I Lost My Best Friend

I'm not sure how to write this. I don't even know if I should write this; because frankly the questions I ask with in this blog may have answers that I'm very afraid of. Maybe I should just start talking.

I had a big, big fight with J. last night and the reason we fought is all my fault. You may remember my blog "Fun with P, J, and J". You may also remember me saying that the only reason I included the female J. in the fun the male J. and I were having together was because I didn't want her to feel left out. What I didn't add to that blog was that I didn't tell her this, basically I told her that I wanted to do it with both of them. I don't know if I've ever talked on here about how much I hate lying. Well I do. I know, I know I lie to my mom and family all the time about what the male J. and I do together, but trust me when I say it breaks my heart more then once over with every lie I tell them. When I'm around the people I have lied to the lie boils up inside me and it's very hard not to tell those people the truth. Because of this fact when ever the female J. called me on my cell phone I would tell her that I was busy. You know how when you tell a lie you keep having to tell additional lies so the person who you lied to won't find out?Well she texted me last night asking how I was. I sent the following message back: "I'm fine but I can't talk b/c it costs money", which is a lie. While text messaging costs money, it does not cost money to talk to another person on my cell phone after nine pm, which it was. The female J. figured that the reason I was avoiding her was because I had gotten what I wanted and I now wanted to just blow her off (which is so far from the truth. The female J. is a wonderful, caring, loving girl who doesn't deserve to be lied to. I wanted to be friends with her from the start but the lie just kept me from talking to her). Well since she figured this was the truth of the whole thing she told the male J. (the male J. and the female J. having such a close relationship they consider each other brother and sister) and he called me and he sounded so angry that I just finally wanted to tell the truth and well...he was pissed.

The male J. has the same rule I do: if you mess with us, we don't really care. But mess with our friends or family, and we will hate you for the rest of your life. And that's exactly what I did. So the male J. yelled at me for awhile, and when we got off the phone I called the female J. (no, not because I'm a glutton for punishment but because even though I knew I would be yelled at I wanted her to know how horrible I felt for making her feel horrible). She yelled at me for a while but then something I didn't expect happen. She told me that I was to call her in two days and tell her if I came up for a good reason for doing what I did. I told her that was impossible, as there really is no good reason for what I did. And as we talked, somehow she was able to me nice to me. I don't know how, because as the male J. said she should have cut me a new one and then left me for the wolves. I'll never know why, but she actually told me she cared about me. And then she told me that I could call her the next day because she knew I was telling myself I don't deserve friends and she said that that's not true! She said that I do deserve friends but I just need to learn how to treat people! I told you this girl is a wonderful person!

I don't know what's going to happen from here on out. The male J. told me that whether or not we remain friends depends on whether or not I "lick (the female) J.'s boots clean", and that whether or not we stayed friends would also depend on how I treat the female J. in the next coming weeks and months. I hope that's the truth because I plan on being more then nice to the female J. I plan on doing, getting, and being anything she asks for. I do not deserve to be given the gift of this woman's friendship but for some reason this girl is giving me a second chance and as the goddess as my witness I will do everything in my power to make that happen.

Why did I do what I did to her? Cuz I'm a selfish, horrible bitch? Other then that reason I can't give you any other reason. I honestly don't know why I did it. Yes I wanted to be with the male J. and finally give him something as he has given me more then I deserve but that is no good reason to do what I did and the female J. asked me for a good reason. I am racking my brain, and really I think I could write in here for an eternity before I found an answer.

How do I always do this? How do I always manage to loose my friends just when we really start to get to know each other and care about each other? I used to tell the male J. that someday I'd screw it up. He never believed me. I guess now he does. God, that's a horrible feeling. I wanted him to be right damn it. For once in my life I wanted to have a long term friend. Everyone has long term friends...at least I think I do...you know those people who you have been friends with your entire life? I never had one of them and just when I thought that I was getting close I screw it up. Figures.

I guess I'll go for now, less this blog get too long. It can never be long enough.

Blessed be.