This Thing Called RSD

So I'm trying to go through the process of accepting my pain and one of the things that the speaker at the conference suggested is to to externalize it, to give it a personality and to describe it. I want to do this, I really really do. I want to make a large painting of my RSD and hang it somewhere that everyone can see it. So there is a worksheet here in some of the paperwork that helps you to externalize your pain. I thought about writing it on the paper but the more I thought about it the more I realized that in a perfect world, not only would I accept my pain, but others would hear about it, really listen, understand it, and then accept that the pain is part of who I am. So here I go, trying to externalize my pain.

The first questions says, "If you could put your pain outside your body, what shape would it have". I guess that's an obvious first question isn't it, if something is externalized it has to have a shape. Umm...I've always thought of the pain in two ways: a burning fire, and the shape of a bolt of lightning. But as I think about it something else comes to mind: a snake, a big, ugly snake that has a deep voice and calls to you and tries to make you be it's slave. But I think I'm getting ahead of myself. Yes, I think my pain would be in the shape of a snake. I also have this idea of the snake taking over this perfectly happy body, this being that without the snake on top of it and inside of it would be very happy, beautiful even. Now there's something I haven't really thought of but I should. It came up a lot at the conference. One of the doctors that gave a speech seemed to be suggesting that chronic pain is there because it is showing a problem somewhere else. Could it be a physical sign of depression? I know I always dismiss that idea as something that is offensive, thinking that the person that was saying that was really saying the RSD is all in my head. But what if that's not it at all. What if the RSD is in fact a signal to depression, an arrow of sorts that says "hey! over here! something is wrong with this body!" In order to really know what it was pointing to at the time I guess I need to look at what was bothering me when I first got RSD, and what is bothering me now. Could the RSD be a symptom of low self esteem, which is something I have struggled with my entire life? But then if that's true then why doesn't everyone with a low self esteem have the same pain? Also if that's true, would someone with a good self esteem see a decrease in their pain? That woman seemed to think so. K. seems to think so as well, though the pain that he still suffers from is obvious. Now I've really gotten off the subject haven't I? Oh well, I think the point is just to get your mind going and asking questions about the pain, to really start talking to it and asking it, hey where did you come from and why are you here? It's not really a "why me?" sort of question but more of a trying to understand this thing in your body. So I guess to understand I should move on to the next question.

If you could put your pain outside your body, how big would it be? Well that would totally depend on the day. I mean, on those days when the pain is unbearable it would be huge, but then on the pain is not so bad it would be small. So then is it like an imaginary friend in that she or he can be as big or as small as you want it to be, but in this case it's not as you want it to be but it can be as big or as small as IT wants to be? More stuff to think about...

What texture would your pain have? I think it would be rough, rough as the rashes that sometimes come with having RSD. Maybe I'll make something about the painting I make sort of 3-D in affect, sort of like feeling the picture instead of just seeing it.

If your pain had a voice, what would it sound like? Now that's something that I've played with the idea over in my head. When I hear the voice of RSD it's always sinister...like "look what I can do to you ha ha ha". Well you can't really hear it from a blog but you know what I mean.

Sigh...all of a sudden I really don't feel good...I'm shaking and feel like I'm going to be sick to my stomach...I hate this illness...but then again I've got to stop hating it...I mean it is something I'm going to have to live with....grrrr....trying to understand this thing called RSD isn't easy...