Everyday Thoughts

I start training for my new job with the IRS on the 16th. How ironic is that? Me, who can't stand the current government, who even considered going anarchist when I was almost eighteen, working for the IRS. Still, as far as I can tell, I will be answering the questions from the little guy. Like when I had questions about my non-profit organization, I didn't really talk to the government. Not at all. I was talking to a ten dollar an hour guy who just wants to make a few dollars so that he can buy his or her family Christmas presents, just like I want to. Maybe they were even disabled and got the job through OVR. Who I to judge when this is the exact same type of job I'm going to work? No one.

I'm so excited about this job. For the first time since I got RSD I might be able to have some real savings. I might be able to start checking things off of my 35 things that I currently want to do with my life. I know that buying my sister's and my parents Christmas parents...especially my parents...presents out of my own money will feel really good. The presents my parents are getting for Christmas aren't going to show up on their credit card bill in January. That's a really good feeling.

And yet...there is a side of me that is very, very scared. I can't sit for very long without my body giving out on me. I know I've said that before but something that's a constant worry on my mind should be something that's constant in my blog shouldn't it? I don't know maybe I got this blog thing all wrong and it really is supposed to be a place where you just shout out to all your friends. But sometimes I need a place to shout out to me. I need a place where I can bitch and be scared that this job is going to take up all my time and I won't be able to study for the GRE's or study my new and much loved religion or practice my art. Ha. I just realized what a nerd I am. When I think about the things I'll be missing for my job, I think about missing studying. No wonder I spend all my time on my blog and no wonder I never shout out to any friends. Still, I've been slowly making friends, and that's something that's really hard for me.

Speaking of friends, maybe I should shout this question out to the universe. How do you know when an acquaintance has become a friend? How do you know when just a friend becomes a best friend? My mom always tells me that I trust people far too fast, and maybe that's sort of true, yet at the same time, I don't like the idea of having to wait a certain amount of time for someone to be your friend. I believe that unless someone that I know is awful to me, I should consider them a friend and not an acquaintance. For example, B. (formally known as Candance for anyone following my blog...ha, not that there is anyone) dropped from best friend to friend to acquaintance faster then I ever thought possible.

And that's another thing, with this job taking so much of my energy (and I have very little of it to spare) is there going to be energy in my life to make what some might consider only acquaintances into friends? Or am I forever going to be stuck at just barely knowing them, seeing them once a month or maybe less. I already skip out on things I don't want to do because I'm tired, will I do that even more?

Maybe that's what K. meant about accepting your disease. I wasn't that tired today and yet inside my head all I did was bitch. And yesterday I was cranky all day. Grrr...alright I need to start making myself doing things again. Making myself get out of my pajamas and on to my feet. Even if all I do is putz around her and paint something, at least it will be more then I did today (which was basically bitch and do a very small amount of studying). And maybe even when I'm working I will get into decent cloths rather then my pajamas. After all, I have to see myself everyday too.

Sigh...these are the things that go through my head everyday. Like it or not, I need this blog to work out the things that I'm thinking about so they aren't all jumbled. Maybe if I did it every day I would actually sleep everyday. Then again, maybe not, but it's worth a try. But now I have gotten out everything in my head as far as I can tell. Yea, when I've caught up what's in my head with what's on paper, it's time to go to bed. At least that's my standard. So goodnight all those out in blog world. And Blessed be