What RSD Is

I'm supposed to be studying for my GRE right now. I've been doing it for a few hours but in my mind a few hours more won't hurt. And I'm trying to push myself to understand and I'm trying to push my hand to write correctly....and it doesn't work. I have to read and reread questions in order to understand them. My mind seems to purposefully skip over words or change the meaning of words in my head. The pain in my arms even as I write this goes on and on, and somehow words that I have known since I was a very little girl are escaping me.

That's what RSD is. It's trying to live a normal life when your entire body is fighting against you. It's like you wanting a car to go left, but despite turning the wheel and pushing on the gas, all the car seems to want to do is go backwards. It' like a river that is supposed to go up stream being suddenly pulled by an unknown force in the other direction. That's what RSD is like.

And I know there are other diseases that function in much the same way. I know that J.'s body would be perfectly happy doing one thing, but his mind, be it because he's in another personality or because he's suddenly sad and he doesn't know why, goes completely the opposite direction. But in the case of RSD, things are completely the opposite. My mind says go one way and my body says "no way mind, not this time, it's my turn." and "you think you control pain? Well let's just see about that" and it turns on this unbearable pain that you have no idea where it came from and you have no idea how to stop it. And then...after a while...it gets worse...

In J.'s case after a while his body says "you know what, I give up, mind, you tell me where to go and I'll do it." And in mine, my mind says "you want to be in pain? Well fine...I can make up pain too." And that's when hell on earth begins. When your body and your mind start working together to make your life a living hell, you know your screwed.

And then they tell you that the way to get out of it is to accept it. They tell you that if you just agreed that it's there, but still went on with your life, you will be better. And the first thing that goes through your mind is that there's no fucking way on earth that you are ever going to be able to accept this. No fucking way.

And that's where I am now. I am still fighting the chance to throw away the paperwork that K. gave me and saying that there's no fucking way I can ever accept this. But then my mind reminds me that K. is not a doctor. Nor is he someone who doesn't understand the pain. He is someone who goes through the same pain you do, day in and day out. This is the side of me that wants to buy the book he was talking about. The side of me that wants to fight with him and say "yes, I can accept this disease". This is the side of me that believes if I start accepting the disease my mind will be able to help me live again.

I'm just so scared. It seems so much easier to go the other way. So much easier to just throw up my hands, lay in bed, and say screw it, it isn't going to get any better. But isn't that the idea I've fought every day of the past ten and a half years? Isn't that the reason I stayed in marching band even though my feet said I just can't take one more step? Yes, I think it's time. It's time to accept this disease and move on with my life, take my job and real get out their and rule the world. It's time. It's no longer time to fight, but time to accept while fighting. It's time.