It's Halloween. My first Halloween as a Pagan. What do I feel? I really don't know what to feel. I'm always had a problem facing death. When my friend J. died I didn't go to her funeral. Having not seen each other for nearly five years, we had reconnected and became friends again, often talking about pain. She was going through the pain of leukemia and I was going through the pain of RSD. When I heard she died, I thought I was going to go to her funeral. I really did. But then when I woke up the day of the funeral I was in pain. A lot of pain. And I could almost hear her voice telling me that if I didn't want to go to the funeral, I didn't have to. When she was alive, J. and I often talked about one of us coming to see the other. And we often talked about the fact that long car rides were bothersome to me. And, because she was in Maryland, any drive to come see her was going to be a long hall, and probably mean pain. She always told me I didn't need to come down and see her, and she told me the same thing the day of her funeral. So, I put on a very long Tori Amos CD (J. first introduced me to her and loved her just as much as I d0) and sat in my family's recline chair and remembered. That was back in April before I decided to become a Pagan. Now that I am one I am learning that they believe any way you worship is good so long as you are honoring the Goddess. I believe the same is true when it comes to funerals. Long story not so short, today being Halloween, the day when the vial between the living and the dead is the thinnest, it is very hard for me to figure out how to celebrate. In addition, one of my Great Aunts on my dad's side just died. She was a neat lady. I didn't go to her funeral either. It's not because I wasn't as close to her as I was to J., the simple fact is that a christian funeral would do nothing for me. And in my opinion one shouldn't have to go to a funeral that they believe is not in their religion or comfort zone. When someone very close to me dies, like my parents, I will obviously want to be in on the planning for the funeral, so that I can go and celebrate the life my parent lived.
A Pagan does not celebrate Halloween like everyone else. First of all, there is a different name for it all together, which is Samhain (your probably wondering why I don't call Halloween Samhain. And frankly, I don't have an answer. The truth is I think that they are the same holiday and how you celebrate it and what you call it shouldn't be that big a deal). Halloween is the celebration of death as a part of the circle of life (and no I don't mean like in a Lion King kind of way. In this circle of life, there is actually regeneration as the body moves into another soul. That is the step after death.) that turns within us and within the world itself.
Frankly when I first heard a long time ago before I was a Pagan that Halloween is a time to celebrate death I was a little freaked out. "What?" I thought, very confused. "How is death a good thing? It's nothing to celebrate." Like I said, this was before I became a pagan. Now that I am one I see that really death is everywhere. Trees, which are alive and therefore have the circle moving through them, go through a process of death every fall. A snake loosing its skin is also an example of death. Plus, I believe we look at death in the wrong way. We put people in jail for helping a terminally ill patient to die, yet really do not let people morn as they should. It is impossible to get off work for a funeral, and costs for them are huge. We should be looking at death as the next step, not as something that is final. And that is what I celebrate when I am celebrating death. I am celebrating it's moving us through the seasons, and I celebrate the wheel that keeps turning within me.
One more thing I have to write about that has to do with this. The other day I went to the mall when there in front of the entrance was a huge "season's greetings" sign with a big Santa Claus connected to it. In my opinion, this is what is wrong in our society. We do not take the time to stop and celebrate each day. And holidays, well, if it doesn't come attached with money on the end that it isn't important to most of the America public. Sigh...Sometimes when I write these things I get so frustrated. Because I know people agree with me, but honestly what can we do to stop it? The people who do agree with me don't want to become heads of corporations so nothing will change. Holidays will keep getting pushed together, till one day Santa comes to the mall in April.
As for me, I'm keeping my holidays separate, and celebrating each day. As my life turns on the great wheel.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
The Non-Rant Rant
As I was reading a new book today (since I finished Tori's book) the fictional character is in the beginnings of a relationship. They went out on a first date and she wanted to have him come in so they could have sex. She wanted the relationship to be a one day thing, and much to her surprise she's seeing him again. ANYWAY they share this small kiss, one that sounds wonderful. And it occurred to me as I was reading this that I haven't thought about physical contact in a while. This is actually really unlike me, despite the fact that haven't really talked about it in here except for the one love rant. I honestly don't know what's going on. I don't know if I've been so busy doing other things like Paganism and 501c3 stuff and blah blah blah that I just haven't thought about it, or if my mind actually doesn't want to think about being physical with anyone.
The song "physical" is running in my mind as I write this. How ironic is that, that while I'm writing an article about being with a member of the opposite sex what happens to pop into my head is a song that I don't consider remotely sexual. Now Tori's "Leather", that is very physical and followed the song physical in popping into my head but did it only do that because I was forcing myself to think about something sexual? Who knows.
I don't think it's that I don't want to be with a man. Far from it; every time I go to a LCPJ meeting I think about the fact that half the guys in my room are my type but unfortunately very taken. So yes, I have thought about men per say, but I haven't really thought about the physical aspect of being with one in a while. Yep there it goes again..."you gotta get physical, physical". Ugh, I don't even know who wrote the song and I already hate them for sticking this revolting song into my head. See! Even when I'm writing a blog about sex my mind veers off on another train of thought.
Then again, maybe this is a good thing. They say that you find someone when you least expect it. I wonder if the hints that Jeff guy was throwing me where actually real. THAT'S IT! THAT'S why I haven't been thinking about the physical side of men and that's exactly why every time I think that Jeff is trying to send a hint I completely ignore it. I am still caught up on the idea that no guy would ever want to be with only me. My eyes flicker to a sign I made one day when I was in a really bad mood. I had let myself go into a sort of trance-like-painting-thing and let my hand paint or write whatever it wanted to. When suddenly, out of no where, my hand was writing "you are beautiful". I stopped and looked at the words in disbelief, wondering if it really said that or if I was just imagining it. But there it was, all three words, right next to the words "stop trying so hard" and "just let it come". Those phrases were ones that I actually wanted on the paper. And so, with out even thinking about the fact that those three words were on the paper I put it on my bulletin board and have been seeing it every time I sit at this desk since. I guess somewhere inside me I do believe I'm beautiful. It's just really really hard to see that side when I'm talking to men or trying to find one. Maybe this is the way I should look at playing the game of relationships, by not really planning each move but letting my mind take me to where ever it seems to want to go. Maybe that's why the idea of asking J. out suddenly popped into my head before. Intellectually it scares me to death, and the more I think about it the more I want to talk myself out of it, but there is that side of me, that side of me that wrote "you are beautiful", that just wants to take life by the horns and go for it. Maybe it was also that side of me that was able to talk so smoothly to the guy who I found out was J. partner. I know that I saw him looking at me and I know that I talked to him, but I don't remember at all feeling nervous or tongue-tied. Maybe it was the mood I was in that night (this was the night of the party when in terms of my goal to get out more and make new friends everything seemed to be going right. Come to think of it, that night everything was going right). Maybe I should stop wishing that M. was single and start allowing myself to look at the guys who I believe is actually single.
I like allowing this part of me to come out and play. I like the idea of being able to easily make friends and frankly write an entry in a blog about something I am scared of so smoothly it's like I'm talking about how to design a room. And see the moment I stop being in that mode, I mess up my words and fumble. Now my mind is totally fix on the idea of J. and his partner, making what I was trying to do before go all to waste. I need to bring physical back into my mind and stop thinking about leather....yea...there it is..."you got to get physical...physical..."
Till next time...Blessed be.
P.S. Wow this was long. But I really didn't think about what I was writing, I just kinda let myself do it. I was once again in the same kind of easy street trance I was in when I went to the party, and when I made that sign. I made mistakes, yes, but I erased them with ease with out a care in the world. I want to stay in this world damn it. But maybe that's the point. If I force it, I won't stay here. Sigh....this is a good feeling. I'm ranting but it's about something good and yet at the same time scary. So is it a rant or not? I don't know anymore, I'm just letting it be...blessed
The song "physical" is running in my mind as I write this. How ironic is that, that while I'm writing an article about being with a member of the opposite sex what happens to pop into my head is a song that I don't consider remotely sexual. Now Tori's "Leather", that is very physical and followed the song physical in popping into my head but did it only do that because I was forcing myself to think about something sexual? Who knows.
I don't think it's that I don't want to be with a man. Far from it; every time I go to a LCPJ meeting I think about the fact that half the guys in my room are my type but unfortunately very taken. So yes, I have thought about men per say, but I haven't really thought about the physical aspect of being with one in a while. Yep there it goes again..."you gotta get physical, physical". Ugh, I don't even know who wrote the song and I already hate them for sticking this revolting song into my head. See! Even when I'm writing a blog about sex my mind veers off on another train of thought.
Then again, maybe this is a good thing. They say that you find someone when you least expect it. I wonder if the hints that Jeff guy was throwing me where actually real. THAT'S IT! THAT'S why I haven't been thinking about the physical side of men and that's exactly why every time I think that Jeff is trying to send a hint I completely ignore it. I am still caught up on the idea that no guy would ever want to be with only me. My eyes flicker to a sign I made one day when I was in a really bad mood. I had let myself go into a sort of trance-like-painting-thing and let my hand paint or write whatever it wanted to. When suddenly, out of no where, my hand was writing "you are beautiful". I stopped and looked at the words in disbelief, wondering if it really said that or if I was just imagining it. But there it was, all three words, right next to the words "stop trying so hard" and "just let it come". Those phrases were ones that I actually wanted on the paper. And so, with out even thinking about the fact that those three words were on the paper I put it on my bulletin board and have been seeing it every time I sit at this desk since. I guess somewhere inside me I do believe I'm beautiful. It's just really really hard to see that side when I'm talking to men or trying to find one. Maybe this is the way I should look at playing the game of relationships, by not really planning each move but letting my mind take me to where ever it seems to want to go. Maybe that's why the idea of asking J. out suddenly popped into my head before. Intellectually it scares me to death, and the more I think about it the more I want to talk myself out of it, but there is that side of me, that side of me that wrote "you are beautiful", that just wants to take life by the horns and go for it. Maybe it was also that side of me that was able to talk so smoothly to the guy who I found out was J. partner. I know that I saw him looking at me and I know that I talked to him, but I don't remember at all feeling nervous or tongue-tied. Maybe it was the mood I was in that night (this was the night of the party when in terms of my goal to get out more and make new friends everything seemed to be going right. Come to think of it, that night everything was going right). Maybe I should stop wishing that M. was single and start allowing myself to look at the guys who I believe is actually single.
I like allowing this part of me to come out and play. I like the idea of being able to easily make friends and frankly write an entry in a blog about something I am scared of so smoothly it's like I'm talking about how to design a room. And see the moment I stop being in that mode, I mess up my words and fumble. Now my mind is totally fix on the idea of J. and his partner, making what I was trying to do before go all to waste. I need to bring physical back into my mind and stop thinking about leather....yea...there it is..."you got to get physical...physical..."
Till next time...Blessed be.
P.S. Wow this was long. But I really didn't think about what I was writing, I just kinda let myself do it. I was once again in the same kind of easy street trance I was in when I went to the party, and when I made that sign. I made mistakes, yes, but I erased them with ease with out a care in the world. I want to stay in this world damn it. But maybe that's the point. If I force it, I won't stay here. Sigh....this is a good feeling. I'm ranting but it's about something good and yet at the same time scary. So is it a rant or not? I don't know anymore, I'm just letting it be...blessed
Sunday, October 29, 2006
On The Word Woman
I have just finished Tori Amos' book "Piece by Piece". In it she describes her life. But she also describes how she handles being a woman and an artist, and gives advice on how to be both. And after reading it I find that i am both inspired and terrified.
I am a liberal. I am a Pagan. I am a daughter, sister, and friend. But at the core of everything, I am a woman. When it comes to being a woman in this world, I thought I had it all figured out. But after reading Tori's book I remember that pretty soon I am going to be considered to be middle aged. This is a very scary thought. The idea that the world will look to me as a human being for advice and guidance is something that terrifies me. I'm not ready to show people how to live. I'm not even ready to teach a baby how to walk. But maybe that is the beauty of it all. Maybe in not believing that I know everything I am getting ready to learn the lessons that I will teach the next generation. Maybe if you think you know it all, you miss all of those lessons. Still, I am terrified.
Many people have said that I have a way with words. That I know how to speak and write well. And it is after reading Tori's book that I feel inspired by this talent. I have always believed that knowing how to write well is an art. For it is through words that we have the power change the world. And I realize that these words do not have to be complicated or long. I do not have to have a great vocabulary in order to tell people what I think. The words I have a dream are only one syllable long each but they are words that still help to inspire and change lives today. So it is with words dear reader that I am going forth, fighting against RSD and for a change in the world that I believe can happen, no matter how naive you think I am. It is my belief that everyone makes small changes to the world every time they open their mouth. They don't even have to open their mouth, they may use their hands to shake anothers, clap in approval, or punch in rage. And it is the human spirit that makes these things happen, and it is the human spirit through words and hands that we can change the world for better or for worse. I'm going to use my words for better. You may choose what you want to do with your hands or your words, but whatever you do, make sure you understand that you are changing the world, one person at a time.
I am a liberal. I am a Pagan. I am a daughter, sister, and friend. But at the core of everything, I am a woman. When it comes to being a woman in this world, I thought I had it all figured out. But after reading Tori's book I remember that pretty soon I am going to be considered to be middle aged. This is a very scary thought. The idea that the world will look to me as a human being for advice and guidance is something that terrifies me. I'm not ready to show people how to live. I'm not even ready to teach a baby how to walk. But maybe that is the beauty of it all. Maybe in not believing that I know everything I am getting ready to learn the lessons that I will teach the next generation. Maybe if you think you know it all, you miss all of those lessons. Still, I am terrified.
Many people have said that I have a way with words. That I know how to speak and write well. And it is after reading Tori's book that I feel inspired by this talent. I have always believed that knowing how to write well is an art. For it is through words that we have the power change the world. And I realize that these words do not have to be complicated or long. I do not have to have a great vocabulary in order to tell people what I think. The words I have a dream are only one syllable long each but they are words that still help to inspire and change lives today. So it is with words dear reader that I am going forth, fighting against RSD and for a change in the world that I believe can happen, no matter how naive you think I am. It is my belief that everyone makes small changes to the world every time they open their mouth. They don't even have to open their mouth, they may use their hands to shake anothers, clap in approval, or punch in rage. And it is the human spirit that makes these things happen, and it is the human spirit through words and hands that we can change the world for better or for worse. I'm going to use my words for better. You may choose what you want to do with your hands or your words, but whatever you do, make sure you understand that you are changing the world, one person at a time.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
The Philosophy of a Life Time
At five thirty this morning I woke up in my bed and haven't slept since. As I sometimes do when this happens, I reached for a book. For a while now I have been reading Tori Amos' "Piece by Piece". I think Tori is a fascinating woman. I believed that before I read her book, but now as I am nearly finished I know that to be fact. The chapter I am reading is called "The Lioness: Surviving the Music Business". In it she describes what was musically the hardest time in her life. She has had other hard times, but when it comes to her music, this was the hardest. When she felt like she was being slowly killed off by the music industry, she went to war. She vowed that she would give up as few as what she calls her "song babies" as possible. You see to her each song that she writes is in itself a woman. She protects them yet at the same time allows them to run free, especially when she is on tour, allowing her song babies to come out and show their might. And so, when it came to write her final record with her then recording label, Atlantic records, her mom had a dream. In it she believes that the ancestors gave her the answer Tori was waiting for: they reminded her that Tori's contract did not specify what the music had to be. And when Tori went to her Lawyers with this question, they found that the song pieces did not have to be original, they simply had to be of the same quality that defined her as Tori Amos. So she came up with the idea for the album Strange Little Girls, which has none of her original songs on it, but instead is a compilation of Tori singing songs written by men. And when the song hit the top ten lists, Tori knew she had won. Then Tori wrote what I believe is the greatest philosophy of all time:
"And I looked out from England across the Atlantic Ocean to the white-collared dragons of the music industry and whispered: 'Checkmate, Motherfuckers'"
For those of you who don't see the philosophy in this, let me explain. Life is a game. it is one that you can choose to play with the help of other people, but it is ultimately one that you have to win on your own. And I am of the opinion that everyone will go through the fight of their life. They may even go through what feels like two fights, and not necessarily at separate times. For example when Tori was fighting the record company, she was also going through her three miscarriages before she finally had her baby girl. Everybody experiences the fight of their life at one point or another. For my sister it is dealing with the harsh realities of Manic Depression. For my mom, it is dealing with a family that on both ends rely on her sometimes far too heavily. And for me it is dealing with the harsh realities of having a chronic pain disorder, and dealing with everything that comes with it.
I believe that everyone has the power inside them to take on the fight of their life. Some people choose to try to say they can't, and turn to drugs, abusive boy friends, and maybe even suicide (ok ok so that's N. but it's a good example isn't it?). And if they get through all of that, I believe they need to wake up and begin to fight, just as we all have to.
I have often turned to other things to try to get away from the RSD. I have tried men, I have tried coning people into being my friend. But in the end, none of it works, as it never does. I believe I have begun to wake up and fight. I believe I have been fighting for a long time, and there have even been times when I have gone with full guns blazing. But far too often I give up that fight, and have to climb out of the excuses again. I want to say that I will never give up again. I want to say that I will win this war, and even give myself an outline of exactly how to do that. But I can't. No one has that outline. They have to learn to listen to the world around them and take lessons from those who know best, both in this world and the far beyond. I am not saying I won't quit again, but at least now I feel I am more aware of the world around me. I am bringing out both guns again, and hanging on to those lessons I have learned for dear life. I will attempt to listen to the lessons given to me as I go on, and perhaps with those lessons I will be able to dig my heels in a little more.
It's time to take on the fight of my life, and fight the RSD and everything that goes with it, including the pain of living alone with everything that I have. I don't know if I'll ever be rid of the physical pain of RSD, and I don't even know if I'll give up again. But I sure as hell would like to try. And maybe someday, somewhere I can finally say the one thing I have been dreaming about saying since the RSD took a hold of me:
You no longer have a hold of me, I have one this horrible game. You may go now, for it's checkmate motherfucker.
"And I looked out from England across the Atlantic Ocean to the white-collared dragons of the music industry and whispered: 'Checkmate, Motherfuckers'"
For those of you who don't see the philosophy in this, let me explain. Life is a game. it is one that you can choose to play with the help of other people, but it is ultimately one that you have to win on your own. And I am of the opinion that everyone will go through the fight of their life. They may even go through what feels like two fights, and not necessarily at separate times. For example when Tori was fighting the record company, she was also going through her three miscarriages before she finally had her baby girl. Everybody experiences the fight of their life at one point or another. For my sister it is dealing with the harsh realities of Manic Depression. For my mom, it is dealing with a family that on both ends rely on her sometimes far too heavily. And for me it is dealing with the harsh realities of having a chronic pain disorder, and dealing with everything that comes with it.
I believe that everyone has the power inside them to take on the fight of their life. Some people choose to try to say they can't, and turn to drugs, abusive boy friends, and maybe even suicide (ok ok so that's N. but it's a good example isn't it?). And if they get through all of that, I believe they need to wake up and begin to fight, just as we all have to.
I have often turned to other things to try to get away from the RSD. I have tried men, I have tried coning people into being my friend. But in the end, none of it works, as it never does. I believe I have begun to wake up and fight. I believe I have been fighting for a long time, and there have even been times when I have gone with full guns blazing. But far too often I give up that fight, and have to climb out of the excuses again. I want to say that I will never give up again. I want to say that I will win this war, and even give myself an outline of exactly how to do that. But I can't. No one has that outline. They have to learn to listen to the world around them and take lessons from those who know best, both in this world and the far beyond. I am not saying I won't quit again, but at least now I feel I am more aware of the world around me. I am bringing out both guns again, and hanging on to those lessons I have learned for dear life. I will attempt to listen to the lessons given to me as I go on, and perhaps with those lessons I will be able to dig my heels in a little more.
It's time to take on the fight of my life, and fight the RSD and everything that goes with it, including the pain of living alone with everything that I have. I don't know if I'll ever be rid of the physical pain of RSD, and I don't even know if I'll give up again. But I sure as hell would like to try. And maybe someday, somewhere I can finally say the one thing I have been dreaming about saying since the RSD took a hold of me:
You no longer have a hold of me, I have one this horrible game. You may go now, for it's checkmate motherfucker.
Another Step Forward
It takes a lot more time then one thinks to do most things. When it comes to trying to be happy or trying to be more confident, it seems to take forever. So then there's those times when you when you make a step, even if it's a very small one. People always think they should celebrate when the end goal is achieved, but I say it is so much more the journey that makes it worth while. I know I sound like a Hallmark card or something, but think about it. Everybody wants to get to and is happen when they graduate right? But then you forget all the good times you had on the way there. All there is after you graduate is work, and there is no end point where you can say "I did it! I'm done!" I think people need to start looking at how far they've come in a journey, even, as is the case with me, they only took a step, and they have many more steps to go.
On 43things (www.43things.com) I have two goals that are extremely hard to work on. They are the goal of being happy and the goal of being more confident. Well, I think today I made a step, and I'm going to celebrate it, so here's the story:
As you may or may not recall, I belong to the Lancaster Coalition for Peace and Justice (LCPJ). They had a giant party today to raise money for people to go and protest the school of the americas. (if you don't know what that is, type "SOA" into a search engine. I don't have the time or energy to explain it). The idea of this party scared me to death. There would be loud music, lots of people, vibrating floors, and masks. Worse still (or so I thought before I went to the party), I couldn't wear a mask as it bothered my RSD. So I decided that I would go to the party early, help set up, and then leave once it got crowded. Well it was started at 8pm. I got there at 7, and guess what! I didn't leave till ELEVEN PM! I'm so proud of myself. I talked and laughed and even gave out the web site address for fighting "4" us. I felt happy and alive, surrounded by people who think like I do. And because I know all these people think like I do and are very cool about my disease, I got more and more confident.
OH! I DIDN'T TELL YOU! When I told them the mask hurt my face they were like "well we'd rather you be here without the mask then not be here with the mask". HOW COOL IS THAT! Talk about a confidence booster!
I felt so good at the party. And part of the reason I felt good may have been because the floor didn't start vibrating till right before I left and because I took a "just in case" heavy duty pill so that I wouldn't start unnecessarily hurting, but that doesn't matter. I was the one talking, I was the one hanging out with them, and the best part is, I was the one they wanted to see. YES, THEY ACTUALLY WANTED ME TO BE THERE! It was a really, really good night. One that I may not remember forever, but at least helped me take another step. It helped with my confidence, my quest to make friends, and most importantly it helped me come closer to being happy. Not bad for being somewhere for four hours...:)
Till next time, blessed be!
On 43things (www.43things.com) I have two goals that are extremely hard to work on. They are the goal of being happy and the goal of being more confident. Well, I think today I made a step, and I'm going to celebrate it, so here's the story:
As you may or may not recall, I belong to the Lancaster Coalition for Peace and Justice (LCPJ). They had a giant party today to raise money for people to go and protest the school of the americas. (if you don't know what that is, type "SOA" into a search engine. I don't have the time or energy to explain it). The idea of this party scared me to death. There would be loud music, lots of people, vibrating floors, and masks. Worse still (or so I thought before I went to the party), I couldn't wear a mask as it bothered my RSD. So I decided that I would go to the party early, help set up, and then leave once it got crowded. Well it was started at 8pm. I got there at 7, and guess what! I didn't leave till ELEVEN PM! I'm so proud of myself. I talked and laughed and even gave out the web site address for fighting "4" us. I felt happy and alive, surrounded by people who think like I do. And because I know all these people think like I do and are very cool about my disease, I got more and more confident.
OH! I DIDN'T TELL YOU! When I told them the mask hurt my face they were like "well we'd rather you be here without the mask then not be here with the mask". HOW COOL IS THAT! Talk about a confidence booster!
I felt so good at the party. And part of the reason I felt good may have been because the floor didn't start vibrating till right before I left and because I took a "just in case" heavy duty pill so that I wouldn't start unnecessarily hurting, but that doesn't matter. I was the one talking, I was the one hanging out with them, and the best part is, I was the one they wanted to see. YES, THEY ACTUALLY WANTED ME TO BE THERE! It was a really, really good night. One that I may not remember forever, but at least helped me take another step. It helped with my confidence, my quest to make friends, and most importantly it helped me come closer to being happy. Not bad for being somewhere for four hours...:)
Till next time, blessed be!
Thursday, October 26, 2006
On Halloween and the Cycle of Life
I know this is my second post in one day. But sometimes you have so much going on that you have to write in your diary twice. And sometimes you have a boring life and you just write for the sake of writing. Well both things happened this time. I was bored the first time I wrote today, and this time, I actually have something to write about.
I got the job! Hallelujah! OK ok so that was spelled really bad, but thanks to spell check, that bad spelling goes away!. I'm really glad I got the job I really really am. But...I'm scared at the same time. What if I can't do he job? This is my last effort at working. I want to make my own money so bad it hurts. I want to be able to buy my family their Christmas presents. Most people buy their family their own Christmas presents, or at least start to, when they are like 15. I think I paid for my families Christmas presents once, the summer I was 15, when I worked at an amusement park, and after that it was down hill from there, as my RSD got worse and worse.
My sister comes home from the hospital tomorrow. Sigh...I hope she's better. Both my parents and her say that she's better. I just don't know how to believe that.
This coming Halloween will be the first Halloween spent as witch. If you don't know already know, Halloween is the highest of what we call high holidays. It is the day when the vial between the living and the dying is the thinnest. This is something I really need, as this year has really been the first year where death has so closely touched me. My Great Aunt Blanch on my dad's side died on Thursday. She wasn't just my great aunt. She was a really neat lady. She worked for my dad's business and the few times when I actual helped with the waitressing, I talked to her often. Also, I saw her at company picnics and stuff. Her funeral was today, and I didn't go. Frankly, a christian funeral doesn't do anything for me. I want to celebrate a person's life, rather then more their death. And, if you know anything about Paganism, we believe that death is not a sad thing, but rather another step in the ever turning wheel. When a person dies they go down to visit the god in the ocean between this life and the next. They ride along that ocean with the god until they are ready to move into the next life. Reincarnation isn't an instant thing like a person's dead then all of a sudden they are a new person. They spend time with their body and after that begin the journey of their own morning of the loss of this life, into the next. So really, I couldn't tell you when a soul goes into a new body. And really this is me telling myself that, because I've always wondered.
So that's where my life is going right now. Till next time, blessed be.
I got the job! Hallelujah! OK ok so that was spelled really bad, but thanks to spell check, that bad spelling goes away!. I'm really glad I got the job I really really am. But...I'm scared at the same time. What if I can't do he job? This is my last effort at working. I want to make my own money so bad it hurts. I want to be able to buy my family their Christmas presents. Most people buy their family their own Christmas presents, or at least start to, when they are like 15. I think I paid for my families Christmas presents once, the summer I was 15, when I worked at an amusement park, and after that it was down hill from there, as my RSD got worse and worse.
My sister comes home from the hospital tomorrow. Sigh...I hope she's better. Both my parents and her say that she's better. I just don't know how to believe that.
This coming Halloween will be the first Halloween spent as witch. If you don't know already know, Halloween is the highest of what we call high holidays. It is the day when the vial between the living and the dying is the thinnest. This is something I really need, as this year has really been the first year where death has so closely touched me. My Great Aunt Blanch on my dad's side died on Thursday. She wasn't just my great aunt. She was a really neat lady. She worked for my dad's business and the few times when I actual helped with the waitressing, I talked to her often. Also, I saw her at company picnics and stuff. Her funeral was today, and I didn't go. Frankly, a christian funeral doesn't do anything for me. I want to celebrate a person's life, rather then more their death. And, if you know anything about Paganism, we believe that death is not a sad thing, but rather another step in the ever turning wheel. When a person dies they go down to visit the god in the ocean between this life and the next. They ride along that ocean with the god until they are ready to move into the next life. Reincarnation isn't an instant thing like a person's dead then all of a sudden they are a new person. They spend time with their body and after that begin the journey of their own morning of the loss of this life, into the next. So really, I couldn't tell you when a soul goes into a new body. And really this is me telling myself that, because I've always wondered.
So that's where my life is going right now. Till next time, blessed be.
The shit didn't stop
Remember when I wrote "this shit has got to stop"? You should, that was the last blog I wrote. Anyway, instead of slowing down, the shit got even worse. N. attempted suicide. And I know that I should be sad for her and should call her and want her to get better, but this has happened far too often. Not that she's attempted suicide often, but she's been in the hospital many times for her problems. And it's not the suicide I'm mad at. Even after that happened she wanted to be with B.! Well that did it, I wasn't silent anymore. If I hadn't talked to a friend online, if he hadn't let me bitch, I don't know what I would have done. Oh, and that should be side note.
If a friend is reading this, pay attention, because this is something that I really really need my friends to understand. If I'm upset, and I say I really need to talk, then that's what I need. I know full well that you don't know how to help me, and the truth is, I don't need you to give me advice unless I ask for it. Most of the time I just want to bitch to someone, and have someone say "sure" "yea" or "i understand". I want you to be there like you would if we were talking face to face. I just want you to listen, because it really does help.
Now there's a long side note! So there's more problems. Remember my plan to do my different projects one day a week each, with some days being personal and some days being heavy? Well if you don't, go back a few blogs, because I don't want to explain it again. Well as it turns out, two of those things, the paganism and studying for the GRE, I have to do everyday! Well that's not true. The studying for the GRE I have to do everyday. The paganism I want to do everyday because if I don't talk to the Goddess everyday, I might go crazy.
Sigh...does it ever end? I'm so tired of all this. I just hope some day I find a reason or find it in my heart to understand why N. went out with B. and did the drugs and went out with all those other guys; but right now, I just don't understand...and right now, I have to do at least some of the work I need to do everyday, or I'm never going to get anything done. Wish me luck!
If a friend is reading this, pay attention, because this is something that I really really need my friends to understand. If I'm upset, and I say I really need to talk, then that's what I need. I know full well that you don't know how to help me, and the truth is, I don't need you to give me advice unless I ask for it. Most of the time I just want to bitch to someone, and have someone say "sure" "yea" or "i understand". I want you to be there like you would if we were talking face to face. I just want you to listen, because it really does help.
Now there's a long side note! So there's more problems. Remember my plan to do my different projects one day a week each, with some days being personal and some days being heavy? Well if you don't, go back a few blogs, because I don't want to explain it again. Well as it turns out, two of those things, the paganism and studying for the GRE, I have to do everyday! Well that's not true. The studying for the GRE I have to do everyday. The paganism I want to do everyday because if I don't talk to the Goddess everyday, I might go crazy.
Sigh...does it ever end? I'm so tired of all this. I just hope some day I find a reason or find it in my heart to understand why N. went out with B. and did the drugs and went out with all those other guys; but right now, I just don't understand...and right now, I have to do at least some of the work I need to do everyday, or I'm never going to get anything done. Wish me luck!
Saturday, October 21, 2006
This Shit Has Got To Stop
Today is a Paganism heavy day (if you don't know what that means, then you weren't paying attention. Frankly, I'm not in the mood to go over it again so you'll have to go back a few blogs and read up on it.) and boy do I need it. Yes, I'm a Pagan every day but I needed to schedule some times when I was really going to study heavy and personal (like I said, if you don't understand what that means, go back a few blogs). And like I said, I really need it.
I don't think I talked about my sisters a lot in here for a few reasons1) They aren't in my life most of the time and 2) Because of this, I consider the crap I'm going through more important and 3) I might not feel this way if they actually called me and talked to me about their problems instead of each other, and frankly they could use doing that because they piss each other off often.
I have two sisters, N. and S. Most of the time, I get along with N. better then S. But every now and then, N. does something that I consider to either be really stupid or something I just don't know why she did (are those two one in the same? Hmmmm...), and S. is a much better person to talk to at those times.
It seems like my family is always going through some kind of shit, and a lot of the times, N. is causing the problem. She's the one who has the drug addiction (as much as she likes to deny that fact, and thinks she can just turn it off and on whenever she wants, I think that's bull shit, but anyway) and she's the one who is constantly dating someone who doesn't deserve to be anywhere near someone as beautiful and cool as my sister. Yes, I did that, but I did it once, and I never went back to him again. Plus, only one time did my parents catch me doing something horrible with him, and actually it was quickly after that that we broke up.
Anyway, now is one of those times when she is dating someone who is worthless. Not only does he run out the door every time my sister becomes any where near remotely depressed (N. has bi polar disorder) but he's also HIT HER (but according to her, this is OK because SHE HIT HIM TOO. Yea, that makes it all better...). So yesterday N. lost her job. We found out (or at least I did, frankly part of me is naive about the situation, and part of me doesn't pay attention because frankly, if I paid attention to it all the time, I would go crazy, just like what's happening to my mom) that this was because she pulls this stunt often. Well apparently my mom was going to take my sister to work or something of that nature (like I said, I don't pay attention) and of course they had a fight. N. called my mom later and apologized. They talked it out, and my mom was actually going to go to be able to sleep (thanks to my RSD, S.'s occasional problems, and N.'s what seems like constant problems, my mom doesn't sleep well all that often...kinda runs in the family) when S. called told her that B. was over there. Well my mom was pissed. She talked to my sister more, with no results, and I guess my mom didn't sleep that night after all. Finally, this morning, we found out that B. SLEPT OVER AT HER APARTMENT (we found this out because S. went over to her apartment to yell at her). Well for my mom, that was the final straw, and my mom decided to turn N.'s phone off. She hasn't done it yet, but I know she will. Well S. went over to N.'s apartment and started yelling at N. again, and apparently that fact slip ed out. So, driving to a poetry reading last night (I was so excited, because as you may or may not remember, I love poetry readings, after doing them every Friday for four years in Frederick) and my parents were going to a party when N. called my mom on the phone. That's when I found out about B. sleeping over and stuff, because I asked why my mom wasn't answering the phone. My mom was trying to go to the party and have a good time, and not listen to N.'s crap. My mom held strong for a while, but N. kept calling, and calling. Finally my mom picked up the phone. Me, being the naive and constantly hopeful one, was hoping she had called to apologize, and knowing that my mom wouldn't pick up the phone, kept calling to tell her that. Well surprise surprise, when my mom picked up the phone all she said was "are you turning my phone off" my mom said yes, N. said why, mom said because I'm not going to feed your addition anymore. N. accused my mom of trying to cut her out of her life. My mom, still calm, told her that N. knows how to get ahold of her, but she wasn't going to talk to her anymore, and to get a new phone. When N. said my mom's number wouldn't be on the phone, my mom said "well that would be you cutting me out of your life then wouldn't it?" which I thought was the perfect thing to say. So N. basically said "fine" and acted like that wasn't the way it always is, like my mom, after getting off the phone with both sisters (she called S. to ask why she told N. she was going to cut off her phone, and S. told her about the fight), said it is.
And truly that is the way it has always been with both sisters. My mom can't go over to their house with out calling first (they call it so they know she's coming, I call it making her ask permission), they hardly ever come to our place (which is where we all grew up, and I will say, S. is less bad about this and comes over more often), but that's not the way it's always been, no, it can't be...
And as usual, after talking about it for a while, I'm sure my mom tucked it inside her like everyone in the family always does, and truly when I went to the party so did I, and acted like nothing was wrong. I'm sure that my mom isn't sleeping a wink tonight, just like me, who only slept the four hours that I have so far because I ate way to much food at the poetry reading.
This shit has got to stop. My family and I have got to stop being sick, me and my dad have got to stop fighting all the time, and my sisters have got to stop screwing up. N. claims that she's always going to be a disappointment to my mom so why bother, but the truth is if she just tried to get help and stay away from these dumb ass (and that's putting it nicely) boy friends, and laid off the drugs and slowed down on the alcohol (I think she should stop all together, as it always gets her into trouble, and my juries still out on whether she's an alcoholic or not) she would no longer be a disappointment to my mom.
This shit has got to stop. My sisters, and really me to, have got to realize that these our our parents were hurting, the people who raise us and who love us unconditionally. I'm just glad I'm a Pagan, and believe in something higher then me and know that they will help me with this somehow, unlike the rest of my family who frankly have nothing to believe in as atheists whose hearts have been crushed so many times.
This shit has got to stop and I don't know how to stop it. I am trying not to fight so much with my dad, and really that's all I think I can do. If there is something else I can do then someone please tell me, I just need to know.
Because this shit has got to stop.
I don't think I talked about my sisters a lot in here for a few reasons1) They aren't in my life most of the time and 2) Because of this, I consider the crap I'm going through more important and 3) I might not feel this way if they actually called me and talked to me about their problems instead of each other, and frankly they could use doing that because they piss each other off often.
I have two sisters, N. and S. Most of the time, I get along with N. better then S. But every now and then, N. does something that I consider to either be really stupid or something I just don't know why she did (are those two one in the same? Hmmmm...), and S. is a much better person to talk to at those times.
It seems like my family is always going through some kind of shit, and a lot of the times, N. is causing the problem. She's the one who has the drug addiction (as much as she likes to deny that fact, and thinks she can just turn it off and on whenever she wants, I think that's bull shit, but anyway) and she's the one who is constantly dating someone who doesn't deserve to be anywhere near someone as beautiful and cool as my sister. Yes, I did that, but I did it once, and I never went back to him again. Plus, only one time did my parents catch me doing something horrible with him, and actually it was quickly after that that we broke up.
Anyway, now is one of those times when she is dating someone who is worthless. Not only does he run out the door every time my sister becomes any where near remotely depressed (N. has bi polar disorder) but he's also HIT HER (but according to her, this is OK because SHE HIT HIM TOO. Yea, that makes it all better...). So yesterday N. lost her job. We found out (or at least I did, frankly part of me is naive about the situation, and part of me doesn't pay attention because frankly, if I paid attention to it all the time, I would go crazy, just like what's happening to my mom) that this was because she pulls this stunt often. Well apparently my mom was going to take my sister to work or something of that nature (like I said, I don't pay attention) and of course they had a fight. N. called my mom later and apologized. They talked it out, and my mom was actually going to go to be able to sleep (thanks to my RSD, S.'s occasional problems, and N.'s what seems like constant problems, my mom doesn't sleep well all that often...kinda runs in the family) when S. called told her that B. was over there. Well my mom was pissed. She talked to my sister more, with no results, and I guess my mom didn't sleep that night after all. Finally, this morning, we found out that B. SLEPT OVER AT HER APARTMENT (we found this out because S. went over to her apartment to yell at her). Well for my mom, that was the final straw, and my mom decided to turn N.'s phone off. She hasn't done it yet, but I know she will. Well S. went over to N.'s apartment and started yelling at N. again, and apparently that fact slip ed out. So, driving to a poetry reading last night (I was so excited, because as you may or may not remember, I love poetry readings, after doing them every Friday for four years in Frederick) and my parents were going to a party when N. called my mom on the phone. That's when I found out about B. sleeping over and stuff, because I asked why my mom wasn't answering the phone. My mom was trying to go to the party and have a good time, and not listen to N.'s crap. My mom held strong for a while, but N. kept calling, and calling. Finally my mom picked up the phone. Me, being the naive and constantly hopeful one, was hoping she had called to apologize, and knowing that my mom wouldn't pick up the phone, kept calling to tell her that. Well surprise surprise, when my mom picked up the phone all she said was "are you turning my phone off" my mom said yes, N. said why, mom said because I'm not going to feed your addition anymore. N. accused my mom of trying to cut her out of her life. My mom, still calm, told her that N. knows how to get ahold of her, but she wasn't going to talk to her anymore, and to get a new phone. When N. said my mom's number wouldn't be on the phone, my mom said "well that would be you cutting me out of your life then wouldn't it?" which I thought was the perfect thing to say. So N. basically said "fine" and acted like that wasn't the way it always is, like my mom, after getting off the phone with both sisters (she called S. to ask why she told N. she was going to cut off her phone, and S. told her about the fight), said it is.
And truly that is the way it has always been with both sisters. My mom can't go over to their house with out calling first (they call it so they know she's coming, I call it making her ask permission), they hardly ever come to our place (which is where we all grew up, and I will say, S. is less bad about this and comes over more often), but that's not the way it's always been, no, it can't be...
And as usual, after talking about it for a while, I'm sure my mom tucked it inside her like everyone in the family always does, and truly when I went to the party so did I, and acted like nothing was wrong. I'm sure that my mom isn't sleeping a wink tonight, just like me, who only slept the four hours that I have so far because I ate way to much food at the poetry reading.
This shit has got to stop. My family and I have got to stop being sick, me and my dad have got to stop fighting all the time, and my sisters have got to stop screwing up. N. claims that she's always going to be a disappointment to my mom so why bother, but the truth is if she just tried to get help and stay away from these dumb ass (and that's putting it nicely) boy friends, and laid off the drugs and slowed down on the alcohol (I think she should stop all together, as it always gets her into trouble, and my juries still out on whether she's an alcoholic or not) she would no longer be a disappointment to my mom.
This shit has got to stop. My sisters, and really me to, have got to realize that these our our parents were hurting, the people who raise us and who love us unconditionally. I'm just glad I'm a Pagan, and believe in something higher then me and know that they will help me with this somehow, unlike the rest of my family who frankly have nothing to believe in as atheists whose hearts have been crushed so many times.
This shit has got to stop and I don't know how to stop it. I am trying not to fight so much with my dad, and really that's all I think I can do. If there is something else I can do then someone please tell me, I just need to know.
Because this shit has got to stop.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
To Write or Not to Write
A while ago you may or may not remember that I posted a letter to all those who don't have RSD. I talk a lot about what I might say to people with RSD, but the truth is, I never wrote a letter to them. The letter I posted on this site a while back is not written by me. I just like it a lot and think that it tells the tale of RSD and how to deal with RSDers really well. Still, people keep telling me that should write a letter of my own.
I've tried to write it, but either one of two things happen: either I copy the sections to have from someone elses letter, or I begin to become sinical and write all sorts of nasty things in the letter that is meant to go on my website as a way to help people understand the disease.
Sigh...I really should write the letter. I just don't know how to do it. I've never been in the shoes of someone who met someone with RSD. Maybe there is someone out there who met a person with RSD and dismissed them and then one day, surprise, they have RSD too. I would like to have that person's perspective on the whole thing. Ha, there are some people that in my meanist moments I do wish they would get it. I mean, after N. told me that it's all in my head, I couldn't stop wishing it, as hard as I tried to say "well, just for one day..." I wasn't telling the truth. The truth is that I have wished endless RSD on that girl many times. Maybe that's how I should write it. I should write it as if I were answering the questions of someone who honestly doesn't believe in the disease, thinks I'm a druggie for taking all these medications, thinks that it's all in my head, etc, etc...
Yea, I have to write this letter. If at least for my own sake.
I've tried to write it, but either one of two things happen: either I copy the sections to have from someone elses letter, or I begin to become sinical and write all sorts of nasty things in the letter that is meant to go on my website as a way to help people understand the disease.
Sigh...I really should write the letter. I just don't know how to do it. I've never been in the shoes of someone who met someone with RSD. Maybe there is someone out there who met a person with RSD and dismissed them and then one day, surprise, they have RSD too. I would like to have that person's perspective on the whole thing. Ha, there are some people that in my meanist moments I do wish they would get it. I mean, after N. told me that it's all in my head, I couldn't stop wishing it, as hard as I tried to say "well, just for one day..." I wasn't telling the truth. The truth is that I have wished endless RSD on that girl many times. Maybe that's how I should write it. I should write it as if I were answering the questions of someone who honestly doesn't believe in the disease, thinks I'm a druggie for taking all these medications, thinks that it's all in my head, etc, etc...
Yea, I have to write this letter. If at least for my own sake.
I have to be strong...
J. told me that "our song" should be "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John. And he's got a point. After ten years of dealing with RSD bullshit, I should be standing on the roof tops telling people that I am better then they are because I dealt with it head first and came out with a college education and friends and I'm actually not in a wheel chair. All of that is pretty damn good.
But then there's the bad side. There's the fact that I'm still living with my parents. And I'm still taking a hundred (almost literally) medications a day. And I'm still sick. But mostly, I'm still swollen.
Today I woke up and both my hands were this huge size that I've never seen them get before. I mean, I'm used to my feet doing that but not my hands, not the two things I count on most to get me through the day in typing and writing and all of the things I need to do to be me. I know that when a runner is put in a wheel chair they join the Special Olympics or something like that but what happens when someone who loves to use their hands to make things that are beautiful and write stories and create non-profit organizations, what happens to them?
Maybe I'm over reacting. I mean that was only the first time that my hands swollen and the RSD has been in my full body what, five years (ugh, that seems like a long time for y our entire body to be sick) and I haven't seen them swell like this ever? And my feet swell on an hourly bases and I'm still using them, and at least one of them has been ill twice the time my hand has...
The point is I need to take the fact that my hands are swelling the same way I took the fact that I was on crutches for six weeks: not lying down. I fought long hard hours at band camp to keep a normal life and I have to keep doing that now. At least now I don't have to deal with an entire section of a huge band telling me I'm a quitter. At least this time I have people that are starting to be my friend.
Sigh...I hope I can do this. I hope that I don't break down in front of any or all of my new found friends. But doesn't breaking down show you who your true friends are? Yes, but it also takes away your acquaintances, and I can't live with this right now. I have to be strong.
But then there's the bad side. There's the fact that I'm still living with my parents. And I'm still taking a hundred (almost literally) medications a day. And I'm still sick. But mostly, I'm still swollen.
Today I woke up and both my hands were this huge size that I've never seen them get before. I mean, I'm used to my feet doing that but not my hands, not the two things I count on most to get me through the day in typing and writing and all of the things I need to do to be me. I know that when a runner is put in a wheel chair they join the Special Olympics or something like that but what happens when someone who loves to use their hands to make things that are beautiful and write stories and create non-profit organizations, what happens to them?
Maybe I'm over reacting. I mean that was only the first time that my hands swollen and the RSD has been in my full body what, five years (ugh, that seems like a long time for y our entire body to be sick) and I haven't seen them swell like this ever? And my feet swell on an hourly bases and I'm still using them, and at least one of them has been ill twice the time my hand has...
The point is I need to take the fact that my hands are swelling the same way I took the fact that I was on crutches for six weeks: not lying down. I fought long hard hours at band camp to keep a normal life and I have to keep doing that now. At least now I don't have to deal with an entire section of a huge band telling me I'm a quitter. At least this time I have people that are starting to be my friend.
Sigh...I hope I can do this. I hope that I don't break down in front of any or all of my new found friends. But doesn't breaking down show you who your true friends are? Yes, but it also takes away your acquaintances, and I can't live with this right now. I have to be strong.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
To do things or not to do things
I hate it when I feel like this. I hate when I feel so crapy and yet I have things that I want to do things at the same time. Part of me wants to curl up in bed, and not do anything for the rest of my days. I mean I can't even go to the bathroom right. Who doesn't even know to go to the bathroom right at my age? God....It's an awful feeling.
At yet at the same time I want nothing more then to go out and forget it all. I want to eat chocolate and peanut butter and all the things that will bind me up because there's nothing I can do about it anymore. Use a supository right? Well I did that and you know what happened...nothing...not a damned thing. So I want to go online, talk to people, and not give a damm about whether or not I could go to the bathroom or not...the thing is...I don't know if that can happen..
At yet at the same time I want nothing more then to go out and forget it all. I want to eat chocolate and peanut butter and all the things that will bind me up because there's nothing I can do about it anymore. Use a supository right? Well I did that and you know what happened...nothing...not a damned thing. So I want to go online, talk to people, and not give a damm about whether or not I could go to the bathroom or not...the thing is...I don't know if that can happen..
Friday, October 13, 2006
Have you ever wondered?
Have you ever wondered if sometimes you are just too hard on your parents? I have. I wonder if my RSD is slowly driving them into a state of constant depression. I wonder if my dad really is just angry at the RSD and not at me whenever he chides me with something like "your doing this just to spite me" or "you need to learn how to take care of yourself". Because there really are other times when he tells me he knows these things aren't true. I wish more then anything my dad and I could talk about our problems and why we constantly fight and get on my moms nerves.
That's another thing I wonder about. I wonder how much of what we say to each other is really bothering her, or if it's just the fact that we are arguing. I wonder if she believes that there is a side who does it more then the other one, or who is less right then the other one or if this depends on the argument or the time of day. Sometimes I maliciously believe that she knows it's all my dad and that he really is just someone who gets angry and because he's someone who likes to control what is happening around the world, he gets even more angry at what is happening to his own daughters. But I think it's also more then that; I wonder if my dad takes all his anger out on us, daughters including his anger at my mother because she is constantly telling him that what he is doing is wrong, his anger at his parents for not calling often. I don't know what it is and sometimes the mere thought of it drives me to tears.
I wonder if my parents know all that I am thinking. I highly doubt that, because they really don't know what's going on between me and J. or why the idea of N. scares me to death (yes, I'm changing to letter of first names, live with it). Every time I even bring N. up, my dad chides me with the fact that "he lives far away" (which he doesn't, I could take a bus right to the front of his house, and vice versa). I wonder if my dad even pays attention enough to notice the fear in my eyes when I even think about N., but the mere fact that he would go into the same grocery line as me and chide me when I don't want to go back there tells me that he doesn't.
I wonder if N. ever really thinks of me or if it's just my own paranoia. You know what they say though, it's not paranoia if your right. Ugh, as I look out my front door I'm reminded that My front door technically makes me closer to him then my back, since I have to go down a supper long driveway and part of a street to get the street my front door faces. And even when I get down the street, I have to go past two houses before I ever reach the point I am where my window is. Thank god my bedroom window faces the driveway of my house. Maybe my dogs barking will give me half a warning if he ever decides to just show up. Wow do you see how strong this fear is? I don't need to wonder if you care, because I know you don't, but even just writing this out makes me feel better
I wonder if shrinks get tired of hearing the same stuff from their patients over and over again, because I know at least with me, I repeat the things I say in therapy over and over and over again, and if you've seen the redone version of Freaky Friday, you'll know that therapists pretty much know what their patient is going to talk about before they even step in the room.
Sigh....maybe all this wondering is what's keeping me up at night. I severely doubt it though, because I wondered a lot of things when I was taking the trazodone and slept like a baby. I'm sure it doesn't help things though. Oh well, it's nearly seven o'clock here and though the sun is rising later and later, it's still going to be light enough to see the cars in just a few minutes. Grrr...I hate not sleeping, don't you?
Till next time, I wonder
That's another thing I wonder about. I wonder how much of what we say to each other is really bothering her, or if it's just the fact that we are arguing. I wonder if she believes that there is a side who does it more then the other one, or who is less right then the other one or if this depends on the argument or the time of day. Sometimes I maliciously believe that she knows it's all my dad and that he really is just someone who gets angry and because he's someone who likes to control what is happening around the world, he gets even more angry at what is happening to his own daughters. But I think it's also more then that; I wonder if my dad takes all his anger out on us, daughters including his anger at my mother because she is constantly telling him that what he is doing is wrong, his anger at his parents for not calling often. I don't know what it is and sometimes the mere thought of it drives me to tears.
I wonder if my parents know all that I am thinking. I highly doubt that, because they really don't know what's going on between me and J. or why the idea of N. scares me to death (yes, I'm changing to letter of first names, live with it). Every time I even bring N. up, my dad chides me with the fact that "he lives far away" (which he doesn't, I could take a bus right to the front of his house, and vice versa). I wonder if my dad even pays attention enough to notice the fear in my eyes when I even think about N., but the mere fact that he would go into the same grocery line as me and chide me when I don't want to go back there tells me that he doesn't.
I wonder if N. ever really thinks of me or if it's just my own paranoia. You know what they say though, it's not paranoia if your right. Ugh, as I look out my front door I'm reminded that My front door technically makes me closer to him then my back, since I have to go down a supper long driveway and part of a street to get the street my front door faces. And even when I get down the street, I have to go past two houses before I ever reach the point I am where my window is. Thank god my bedroom window faces the driveway of my house. Maybe my dogs barking will give me half a warning if he ever decides to just show up. Wow do you see how strong this fear is? I don't need to wonder if you care, because I know you don't, but even just writing this out makes me feel better
I wonder if shrinks get tired of hearing the same stuff from their patients over and over again, because I know at least with me, I repeat the things I say in therapy over and over and over again, and if you've seen the redone version of Freaky Friday, you'll know that therapists pretty much know what their patient is going to talk about before they even step in the room.
Sigh....maybe all this wondering is what's keeping me up at night. I severely doubt it though, because I wondered a lot of things when I was taking the trazodone and slept like a baby. I'm sure it doesn't help things though. Oh well, it's nearly seven o'clock here and though the sun is rising later and later, it's still going to be light enough to see the cars in just a few minutes. Grrr...I hate not sleeping, don't you?
Till next time, I wonder
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Friends, Things to Do, kidnappers, Oh my!
I wanted to talk about something nice happening, partially because lately it seems like there aren't a lot of nice things said on my blog, and though I don't think a lot of people read it, that doesn't mean that I want it to be all gloom and doom. My life isn't all bad. As a matter of fact, some it is getting really good.
Remember my list of things to do that I talked about in the last blog? Well, add one more ladies and gentlemen! I belong to the Lancaster Coalition for Peace and Justice (LCPJ for short. and so what, now you know I live in Lancaster, PA. How are you going to find out who I am? Sure you could join the coalition and find some girl who writes her own blog and then you would have to get to know me because I don't invite guys alone to my house the first night I usually want my parents there and blah blah blah, and that would be way too much work to try to kidnap me or something wouldn't it???). Wow that was a long side comment. ANYWAY the LCPJ needs to get 501c3 certified. What is this? It is when a a non-profit group is tells the government about themselves. In turn, they (if they are accepted) get tax free donations and a bunch of other things. Well, since I know how to do 501c3 (I had to get it for Fighting "4" Us), and because getting it is a really hard and complicated thing (I had to work for five months to get it), the group half asked me and I kinda half volunteered to be basically the person who runs meetings on 501c3. (Come to think of it, it wouldn't be that hard to find me at all...and I really am over trusting...I mean I let A. drive me home the first night and I didn't even know him! Still, I don't think my parents are going to go on anymore three week vacation for awhile, and now that I know some people in the group, including A., I will be able to find a ride more easily. And if I'm being naive, then I'm being naive, and some day I'm going to be kidnapped and the reporters will have to say "it's because she had a blog which mentioned some of the things she did, although she never mentioned her name or exactly where she lived or exactly what street she lived on, she still shouldn't have said that much on a blog that was never really read anyway". And then that would look a little extreme...wouldn't it? Whatever, I should get back to the story).
It's not that trying to be approved by the government for 501c3 status will get much easier, I mean, this is a group that protests when George Bush comes to town so in my opinion it's a long shot (shhh....I'm not telling them this, I like having this job). The fact is that having this status would make the LCPJ seem more legitimate in the eyes of the community. It's something that they can and should work for, and I'm more then happy to help.
More then happy, that is, because I'm learning that this is truly how you make friends. You become the leader of something that you are really good at, and then they have to listen to you talk for an hour. They even took notes on what I was saying! Extra points! LOL No, seriously, talking for an hour isn't going to get you friends, trust me, I've tried it. It's the fact that I am finding things that I have in common with these people, and not just saying I like what they like, but am actually participating in what they like (not that I don't like it either, but like I said, bonus points.). And you know what else I'm finding? If I don't talk about the RSD, more people ask about it! Wow! It's not that all people want to avoid the topic all together, it just sometimes gets a little old (though there are some people who NEVER want to hear the word "RSD" again)! True, when talking about 501c3 today, I had to actually mention my non-profit organization, Fighting "4" Us, all the time, but I don't think I once connected it to how I feel until later when someone said to me "it must be hard running your own non-profit organization sometimes.". Another wow! they actually wanted to know how something affected my RSD! But I was totally cool about it, and instead of going into this long disortation about the pain that I have had for ten years and how much it hurts and anyone who has it for six months knows it hurts to blah blah blah, I simply said "well I wanted to do it, and after having it for ten years I know how to handle it better then someone who has had it for say one year.". And that was it! he shook his head yes and said "that's cool." and the conversation totally ended on a good note.
I have friends! And friends who not only need to see me around but want to! Woohooo!
Speaking of things to do, that is actually going really well. I know it's actually only been what, a day since I blogged last, but the truth is days are really long for me. I have taken my calendar, and literally written down each day what I am going to do. I also made room for times when I feel horrible and don't want to do anything, with adding "personal" to some of the things I have to do (personal and something I have to do on any given day are on the same day); personal days are when I can do what I want for part of the time when it's supposed to be a day for something else. The other days are "heavy", meaning when I want to concentrate on the project very heavily. Speaking of heavy days, I am a little behind on my days, still working on something that was supposed to be done yesterday! Oh well, it's only 3am, and I sort of knew this would happen. The calendar is my own invention, so if I have to spend a little more time on something an extra day, it's no big deal. And if this happens every day, it's still know big deal, especially since I'm trying to fit in three personal days a week.
So that's the happy things in my life right now. They may have caused a kidnapper to be able to find me, or an obsessed person may have more information about me, but this is what's going on today, and I should really worry only about today, and not tomorrow yes? I thought so. So, good bye for now dear blog, and Blessed be!
Remember my list of things to do that I talked about in the last blog? Well, add one more ladies and gentlemen! I belong to the Lancaster Coalition for Peace and Justice (LCPJ for short. and so what, now you know I live in Lancaster, PA. How are you going to find out who I am? Sure you could join the coalition and find some girl who writes her own blog and then you would have to get to know me because I don't invite guys alone to my house the first night I usually want my parents there and blah blah blah, and that would be way too much work to try to kidnap me or something wouldn't it???). Wow that was a long side comment. ANYWAY the LCPJ needs to get 501c3 certified. What is this? It is when a a non-profit group is tells the government about themselves. In turn, they (if they are accepted) get tax free donations and a bunch of other things. Well, since I know how to do 501c3 (I had to get it for Fighting "4" Us), and because getting it is a really hard and complicated thing (I had to work for five months to get it), the group half asked me and I kinda half volunteered to be basically the person who runs meetings on 501c3. (Come to think of it, it wouldn't be that hard to find me at all...and I really am over trusting...I mean I let A. drive me home the first night and I didn't even know him! Still, I don't think my parents are going to go on anymore three week vacation for awhile, and now that I know some people in the group, including A., I will be able to find a ride more easily. And if I'm being naive, then I'm being naive, and some day I'm going to be kidnapped and the reporters will have to say "it's because she had a blog which mentioned some of the things she did, although she never mentioned her name or exactly where she lived or exactly what street she lived on, she still shouldn't have said that much on a blog that was never really read anyway". And then that would look a little extreme...wouldn't it? Whatever, I should get back to the story).
It's not that trying to be approved by the government for 501c3 status will get much easier, I mean, this is a group that protests when George Bush comes to town so in my opinion it's a long shot (shhh....I'm not telling them this, I like having this job). The fact is that having this status would make the LCPJ seem more legitimate in the eyes of the community. It's something that they can and should work for, and I'm more then happy to help.
More then happy, that is, because I'm learning that this is truly how you make friends. You become the leader of something that you are really good at, and then they have to listen to you talk for an hour. They even took notes on what I was saying! Extra points! LOL No, seriously, talking for an hour isn't going to get you friends, trust me, I've tried it. It's the fact that I am finding things that I have in common with these people, and not just saying I like what they like, but am actually participating in what they like (not that I don't like it either, but like I said, bonus points.). And you know what else I'm finding? If I don't talk about the RSD, more people ask about it! Wow! It's not that all people want to avoid the topic all together, it just sometimes gets a little old (though there are some people who NEVER want to hear the word "RSD" again)! True, when talking about 501c3 today, I had to actually mention my non-profit organization, Fighting "4" Us, all the time, but I don't think I once connected it to how I feel until later when someone said to me "it must be hard running your own non-profit organization sometimes.". Another wow! they actually wanted to know how something affected my RSD! But I was totally cool about it, and instead of going into this long disortation about the pain that I have had for ten years and how much it hurts and anyone who has it for six months knows it hurts to blah blah blah, I simply said "well I wanted to do it, and after having it for ten years I know how to handle it better then someone who has had it for say one year.". And that was it! he shook his head yes and said "that's cool." and the conversation totally ended on a good note.
I have friends! And friends who not only need to see me around but want to! Woohooo!
Speaking of things to do, that is actually going really well. I know it's actually only been what, a day since I blogged last, but the truth is days are really long for me. I have taken my calendar, and literally written down each day what I am going to do. I also made room for times when I feel horrible and don't want to do anything, with adding "personal" to some of the things I have to do (personal and something I have to do on any given day are on the same day); personal days are when I can do what I want for part of the time when it's supposed to be a day for something else. The other days are "heavy", meaning when I want to concentrate on the project very heavily. Speaking of heavy days, I am a little behind on my days, still working on something that was supposed to be done yesterday! Oh well, it's only 3am, and I sort of knew this would happen. The calendar is my own invention, so if I have to spend a little more time on something an extra day, it's no big deal. And if this happens every day, it's still know big deal, especially since I'm trying to fit in three personal days a week.
So that's the happy things in my life right now. They may have caused a kidnapper to be able to find me, or an obsessed person may have more information about me, but this is what's going on today, and I should really worry only about today, and not tomorrow yes? I thought so. So, good bye for now dear blog, and Blessed be!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Yet Another Late Night Rant
I've come to notice that all my big rants, especially my rants about my parents, are written deep into the night, when no one else is watching. This may be for the exact reason that no one else is watching. I don't want my parents to know that I am talking and bitching and just plain complaining about them. Then I will have to go through the big talk about why I feel that way and how my problems with my father are supposed to be just between me and him and how my mom "always" has to get in the way and how we are "such a wonderful piece of work". Italics put up for sarcasm.
So that's the topic for today, my relationship with my father. One of the things I didn't mention when I wrote the rant months back about my parents leaving for three weeks was the fact that my dad and I kept fighting. Not that this is a surprise. My dad and I always fight. What was the topic this time? Well remember I said that I was trying to find a way to get a job? And remember that I applied to OVR and all that? Well at the time it was just an idea, something I wanted to do myself. I mention this to my dad and what does he do? Observe the following conversation between him and my mom just after I told him I wanted to do it myself:
Dad: "Leslie, are you on the computer?"
Mom: "Yes, why?"
Dad: "I want to use it when you are done"
Mom: (the understanding was starting to come into her head, as mine) "ummm why?"
Dad: "Because I want to look up OVR on the internet"
AHHHHH!!!!! Does anyone get what was going on here? Once again my dad was attempting to over step boundaries of things I want and should be able to do for myself. Thank god my mom got in the middle before I blew up saying:
"You don't get it do you? That's exactly what Andrea wants to do for her self"
Dad replied with what is a usual statement for him "yea, well, I just wanted to..." and my mom said "let her do it herself!"
Mom doesn't always help in these situations. In fact my mom is so sick of hearing are arguments that she is the one who called us "a piece of work". Consider what happened when I woke up this morning after my dad had moved the computer table into what will be the office so I can hit OVR standards. Keep in mind that as a designer with the potential to design a perfectly empty room that my mom wanted to make into her "Disney room", and that I had ALREADY PUT DOWN ON PAPER SOME OF THE THINGS I WANTED, INCLUDING WHERE I WOULD PUT THE COMPUTER TABLE. I walked in the room to check out where the computer table was and my dad said.
"Now, I need you to decide where you want to put the computer table. You could put it here, but that would over ride the windows (I didn't want it there in the first place). The best place to put it would be on the wall that joins with the windows (I could already feel it coming). I felt a quiver in my stomach when he finally said "But (the knot in my stomach began to grow) since I already told you where I think you should put it you will probably want to put it here (exactly where I wanted it, which was the wall that conjoined with the wall that conjoined with the windows, it has the door on one side of it. My heart was slowly dropping) just to spite me (gulp....my heart hit my ankle. I didn't know what to say. For a second, I froze, not knowing what to do. I don't like hurting my father. I don't' like when he does this and I have to "prove him right" so to speak even though it's completely not true. I didn't try to think "now where would be the best place I could put the computer table that would piss off dad the most" Why would I do that? What pleasure would I get out of that? Since I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes it is obviously there is none...but anyway, back to the story. I had to say something).
Me: "Well Dad I actually wanted it on this corner (I braced myself for the response, but I didn't brace enough)"
Dad: "That's what I thought. Whatever, have it your way. I knew you would do that to me."
I ran down stairs. I didn't know what to do. My mom was standing up at the loft looking down at the family room when I came in. I explained to her what happened and she said. "I'm so tired of you and your dad fighting. The cord is not long enough to put it there, but that's where you want it". That's when my heart fell through the floor boards and into the basement. I had no idea the cords were not long enough. So I did what I thought would make it better. I went upstairs and told my dad that I didn't know the cord wasn't long enough that we could put it where it was. But by that time it was too late. He gave me the "whatever" and told me we could put it where I wanted it with longer cord. My heart landed on the flattening machine. I went downstairs and apparently my mom, who's hearing sux, had apparently heard the whole thing. She told me I shouldn't have gone back upstairs, that my dad already had it in his head I would choose the wrong place, and the best way I could have handled it was to shut my mouth. Now my heart was completely flattened. My mom was going on, telling me she was tired of us fighting and her not saying what she wants (which to me is a total lie, because she always says what she wants). I tried to tell her that I don't mean to get in these types of situations, but her said "I know" didn't help things.
The rest of the day sort of went the same. When I told my mom I was a little bit scared of the GRE, she told me that she didn't want to hear it, and I shouldn't be doing it if it was scaring me. But wouldn't anyone be scared of the GRE's? When I tried to explain to her about all the things I'm trying to do right now (work on paganism, try to take my GRE, work with the LCPJ on getting their 501c3, work on art, and work on fighting 4 us" and that all of those things would frustrate me at any give moment, she sort of seemed to agree but still wouldn't give me any sort of support when it comes to the GRE's.
And finally, when I asked my dad to scope me some ice cream and what I thought was ten minutes later went by and he still hadn't gotten it, I assumed he forgot it and he yelled that I had only asked a minute ago, that's when my mom said that we are such a wonderful piece of work, I felt I didn't have a heart anymore. Or a family who understands me.
I don't know what's going to happen in the next couple days, weeks and months. I will try not to fight with dad so much as my new years resolutions say, but sometimes it seems like no matter what I do, we fight, so I don't know. I just hope my heart can heal. But somehow after all these times of my heart being bashed and broken by so many things, I don't know if that's possible. Let's just hope I can thrive eventually, or at least live, or I'm not going to be able to make it. God this sux. Till next time.
So that's the topic for today, my relationship with my father. One of the things I didn't mention when I wrote the rant months back about my parents leaving for three weeks was the fact that my dad and I kept fighting. Not that this is a surprise. My dad and I always fight. What was the topic this time? Well remember I said that I was trying to find a way to get a job? And remember that I applied to OVR and all that? Well at the time it was just an idea, something I wanted to do myself. I mention this to my dad and what does he do? Observe the following conversation between him and my mom just after I told him I wanted to do it myself:
Dad: "Leslie, are you on the computer?"
Mom: "Yes, why?"
Dad: "I want to use it when you are done"
Mom: (the understanding was starting to come into her head, as mine) "ummm why?"
Dad: "Because I want to look up OVR on the internet"
AHHHHH!!!!! Does anyone get what was going on here? Once again my dad was attempting to over step boundaries of things I want and should be able to do for myself. Thank god my mom got in the middle before I blew up saying:
"You don't get it do you? That's exactly what Andrea wants to do for her self"
Dad replied with what is a usual statement for him "yea, well, I just wanted to..." and my mom said "let her do it herself!"
Mom doesn't always help in these situations. In fact my mom is so sick of hearing are arguments that she is the one who called us "a piece of work". Consider what happened when I woke up this morning after my dad had moved the computer table into what will be the office so I can hit OVR standards. Keep in mind that as a designer with the potential to design a perfectly empty room that my mom wanted to make into her "Disney room", and that I had ALREADY PUT DOWN ON PAPER SOME OF THE THINGS I WANTED, INCLUDING WHERE I WOULD PUT THE COMPUTER TABLE. I walked in the room to check out where the computer table was and my dad said.
"Now, I need you to decide where you want to put the computer table. You could put it here, but that would over ride the windows (I didn't want it there in the first place). The best place to put it would be on the wall that joins with the windows (I could already feel it coming). I felt a quiver in my stomach when he finally said "But (the knot in my stomach began to grow) since I already told you where I think you should put it you will probably want to put it here (exactly where I wanted it, which was the wall that conjoined with the wall that conjoined with the windows, it has the door on one side of it. My heart was slowly dropping) just to spite me (gulp....my heart hit my ankle. I didn't know what to say. For a second, I froze, not knowing what to do. I don't like hurting my father. I don't' like when he does this and I have to "prove him right" so to speak even though it's completely not true. I didn't try to think "now where would be the best place I could put the computer table that would piss off dad the most" Why would I do that? What pleasure would I get out of that? Since I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes it is obviously there is none...but anyway, back to the story. I had to say something).
Me: "Well Dad I actually wanted it on this corner (I braced myself for the response, but I didn't brace enough)"
Dad: "That's what I thought. Whatever, have it your way. I knew you would do that to me."
I ran down stairs. I didn't know what to do. My mom was standing up at the loft looking down at the family room when I came in. I explained to her what happened and she said. "I'm so tired of you and your dad fighting. The cord is not long enough to put it there, but that's where you want it". That's when my heart fell through the floor boards and into the basement. I had no idea the cords were not long enough. So I did what I thought would make it better. I went upstairs and told my dad that I didn't know the cord wasn't long enough that we could put it where it was. But by that time it was too late. He gave me the "whatever" and told me we could put it where I wanted it with longer cord. My heart landed on the flattening machine. I went downstairs and apparently my mom, who's hearing sux, had apparently heard the whole thing. She told me I shouldn't have gone back upstairs, that my dad already had it in his head I would choose the wrong place, and the best way I could have handled it was to shut my mouth. Now my heart was completely flattened. My mom was going on, telling me she was tired of us fighting and her not saying what she wants (which to me is a total lie, because she always says what she wants). I tried to tell her that I don't mean to get in these types of situations, but her said "I know" didn't help things.
The rest of the day sort of went the same. When I told my mom I was a little bit scared of the GRE, she told me that she didn't want to hear it, and I shouldn't be doing it if it was scaring me. But wouldn't anyone be scared of the GRE's? When I tried to explain to her about all the things I'm trying to do right now (work on paganism, try to take my GRE, work with the LCPJ on getting their 501c3, work on art, and work on fighting 4 us" and that all of those things would frustrate me at any give moment, she sort of seemed to agree but still wouldn't give me any sort of support when it comes to the GRE's.
And finally, when I asked my dad to scope me some ice cream and what I thought was ten minutes later went by and he still hadn't gotten it, I assumed he forgot it and he yelled that I had only asked a minute ago, that's when my mom said that we are such a wonderful piece of work, I felt I didn't have a heart anymore. Or a family who understands me.
I don't know what's going to happen in the next couple days, weeks and months. I will try not to fight with dad so much as my new years resolutions say, but sometimes it seems like no matter what I do, we fight, so I don't know. I just hope my heart can heal. But somehow after all these times of my heart being bashed and broken by so many things, I don't know if that's possible. Let's just hope I can thrive eventually, or at least live, or I'm not going to be able to make it. God this sux. Till next time.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
There are so many things going on in my life, I'm not even sure where to begin. First, of all, I have to say that the reason that all of these things are happening is because I'm trying to really figure out what I want to do with my life and make them happen. Second, these things are happening because I like to keep myself busy, and if I don't, I get even more depressed then I already am. So lets get started on what I'm doing.
I think I will go in the order of what is most important in my life. Except that is really hard because all of these things are things that I have thought about doing for most of, if not a large part of my life. Lets start with my working on spirituality. In paganism, a person who does not know a lot but is learning is called an apprentice. usually that person works for a year and a day and then has an initiation. Since to me I am already initiated, I am simply considering my apprenticeship a time when I learn as much as I can. It can last more or less then a year and a day, and it probably will last more, since there are many books, and many, many, things to learn. Right now I am studying the elements, which in Paganism are rather complicated, so I'll try to give a very short tutorial. When a circle ceremony (sort of our kind of church) happens, we call in the spirits of each direction. Each direction is given an offering, which is something that represents and is represented by the directions. These are earth for north, wind for east, fire for south, and water for west. There are also many other things that the elements represent and are represented by. I will not go through all of them, but suffice it to say this is what I'm learning.
I'm also trying to understand the different celebrations as they come around. For example, this October 31st is considered by most of the world to be Halloween. To the Pagan world, this is All Hallows Eve or Samhein, and it is the day when the Vail that separates the living from the dead is the thinnest. This may be why many people play with weegee board. To set the record straight, most Pagans do not use the weegee board. On their altar they set things that the person who died would find pleasure in in hopes that they will come to see, taste, or smell the thing that is laid out of them. I am going to be remembering a friend of mine who just died of leukemia this past April. She was only 24. I will not talk about what I am going to set out for her or what I will say to her, because that is sacred. But trust me when I say she will be a big part of the ceremony.
The second thing I'm working on is a revamping of my organization. I am finding that many people find my web site to be a bore, and to be very much like all the other RSD web sites. What is missing from my site, and what I feel is missing from most RSD web sites, is a more human side to their posts and articles. Most of the time they do not talk about how the rest of the life, not just their pain level, is affected by their RSD. They do not talk about being in relationship and dealing with both the immediate and extended family. These web sites need to talk more about how the RSD affects and effects both the human spirit and human interaction. I need to talk about that in my website, and talk about ways to deal with it.
The next thing I am working on is I am trying to get into a masters degree program. This is one of the goals of mine that I want it so bad it hurts. Having a real working non-profit organization is another one of these goals, and now that that hurt is slowly but steadily subsiding, it is time to work on this goal. I have bought the Princeton review of the GRE, which is the test that you must take in order to get into grad school. The book recommends taking at most only 12 weeks to study but I think even if I worked on it every time I had free time between when my pain got bad and when I needed to sleep, I wouldn't be able to hit that 12 week deadline. The truth is I don't think I want to go by that deadline. I want to work hard on getting a good score on the test, and when I think I know it all and I take the practice test and do well, I will check what parts of the test I need to work on, work on them and take the test again. And after that, I may even do that one more time! The point is that I want this goal very badly, but I want to do it right and I do not want it to get in the way of my other goals. I think if I set a steady schedule, or at least work on one of my goals most of the time, I will be able to do this.
The last goal that I will talk about is one that has only come in to my heart in the last two or three years. I really do want to become a better artist and to have my pictures in a gallery. This isn't a goal that makes my heart hurt, so I think I will work on it less then the other goals, but it still a goal that is really starting to find a place in my heart, even if it is a small one.
Oh! I forgot to tell you that my biggest goal of all, finding a real job is this close to actually coming true. A guy called me and asked me to do a "technical test" (the truth is that anyone who works on a computer once a month will know how to do it). I was already done with another test, and he said so long as by background check goes through, I will have the job! Now, it is kinda a government job so there is the very slight worry that the government will find pictures of me protesting and might not want to hire me...but still I mean WOOHOO! lets celebrate where celebrations are due I mean come on! Tee hee.
Finally, I want to tell you that I know what your thinking. Your thinking that I will never get this all done, that I will retire something and never look at it again, but the truth is if I have to only work on each thing once a week for only five minutes the day that I do it, it will still be five minutes once a week that I have advanced my goal. And that is a lot more then I have done for some of those goals.
Ok, I will let you go now, sorry so long, but I wanted to get all that out their. Till next time, and Blessed Be!
I think I will go in the order of what is most important in my life. Except that is really hard because all of these things are things that I have thought about doing for most of, if not a large part of my life. Lets start with my working on spirituality. In paganism, a person who does not know a lot but is learning is called an apprentice. usually that person works for a year and a day and then has an initiation. Since to me I am already initiated, I am simply considering my apprenticeship a time when I learn as much as I can. It can last more or less then a year and a day, and it probably will last more, since there are many books, and many, many, things to learn. Right now I am studying the elements, which in Paganism are rather complicated, so I'll try to give a very short tutorial. When a circle ceremony (sort of our kind of church) happens, we call in the spirits of each direction. Each direction is given an offering, which is something that represents and is represented by the directions. These are earth for north, wind for east, fire for south, and water for west. There are also many other things that the elements represent and are represented by. I will not go through all of them, but suffice it to say this is what I'm learning.
I'm also trying to understand the different celebrations as they come around. For example, this October 31st is considered by most of the world to be Halloween. To the Pagan world, this is All Hallows Eve or Samhein, and it is the day when the Vail that separates the living from the dead is the thinnest. This may be why many people play with weegee board. To set the record straight, most Pagans do not use the weegee board. On their altar they set things that the person who died would find pleasure in in hopes that they will come to see, taste, or smell the thing that is laid out of them. I am going to be remembering a friend of mine who just died of leukemia this past April. She was only 24. I will not talk about what I am going to set out for her or what I will say to her, because that is sacred. But trust me when I say she will be a big part of the ceremony.
The second thing I'm working on is a revamping of my organization. I am finding that many people find my web site to be a bore, and to be very much like all the other RSD web sites. What is missing from my site, and what I feel is missing from most RSD web sites, is a more human side to their posts and articles. Most of the time they do not talk about how the rest of the life, not just their pain level, is affected by their RSD. They do not talk about being in relationship and dealing with both the immediate and extended family. These web sites need to talk more about how the RSD affects and effects both the human spirit and human interaction. I need to talk about that in my website, and talk about ways to deal with it.
The next thing I am working on is I am trying to get into a masters degree program. This is one of the goals of mine that I want it so bad it hurts. Having a real working non-profit organization is another one of these goals, and now that that hurt is slowly but steadily subsiding, it is time to work on this goal. I have bought the Princeton review of the GRE, which is the test that you must take in order to get into grad school. The book recommends taking at most only 12 weeks to study but I think even if I worked on it every time I had free time between when my pain got bad and when I needed to sleep, I wouldn't be able to hit that 12 week deadline. The truth is I don't think I want to go by that deadline. I want to work hard on getting a good score on the test, and when I think I know it all and I take the practice test and do well, I will check what parts of the test I need to work on, work on them and take the test again. And after that, I may even do that one more time! The point is that I want this goal very badly, but I want to do it right and I do not want it to get in the way of my other goals. I think if I set a steady schedule, or at least work on one of my goals most of the time, I will be able to do this.
The last goal that I will talk about is one that has only come in to my heart in the last two or three years. I really do want to become a better artist and to have my pictures in a gallery. This isn't a goal that makes my heart hurt, so I think I will work on it less then the other goals, but it still a goal that is really starting to find a place in my heart, even if it is a small one.
Oh! I forgot to tell you that my biggest goal of all, finding a real job is this close to actually coming true. A guy called me and asked me to do a "technical test" (the truth is that anyone who works on a computer once a month will know how to do it). I was already done with another test, and he said so long as by background check goes through, I will have the job! Now, it is kinda a government job so there is the very slight worry that the government will find pictures of me protesting and might not want to hire me...but still I mean WOOHOO! lets celebrate where celebrations are due I mean come on! Tee hee.
Finally, I want to tell you that I know what your thinking. Your thinking that I will never get this all done, that I will retire something and never look at it again, but the truth is if I have to only work on each thing once a week for only five minutes the day that I do it, it will still be five minutes once a week that I have advanced my goal. And that is a lot more then I have done for some of those goals.
Ok, I will let you go now, sorry so long, but I wanted to get all that out their. Till next time, and Blessed Be!
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