Have you ever wondered?

Have you ever wondered if sometimes you are just too hard on your parents? I have. I wonder if my RSD is slowly driving them into a state of constant depression. I wonder if my dad really is just angry at the RSD and not at me whenever he chides me with something like "your doing this just to spite me" or "you need to learn how to take care of yourself". Because there really are other times when he tells me he knows these things aren't true. I wish more then anything my dad and I could talk about our problems and why we constantly fight and get on my moms nerves.

That's another thing I wonder about. I wonder how much of what we say to each other is really bothering her, or if it's just the fact that we are arguing. I wonder if she believes that there is a side who does it more then the other one, or who is less right then the other one or if this depends on the argument or the time of day. Sometimes I maliciously believe that she knows it's all my dad and that he really is just someone who gets angry and because he's someone who likes to control what is happening around the world, he gets even more angry at what is happening to his own daughters. But I think it's also more then that; I wonder if my dad takes all his anger out on us, daughters including his anger at my mother because she is constantly telling him that what he is doing is wrong, his anger at his parents for not calling often. I don't know what it is and sometimes the mere thought of it drives me to tears.

I wonder if my parents know all that I am thinking. I highly doubt that, because they really don't know what's going on between me and J. or why the idea of N. scares me to death (yes, I'm changing to letter of first names, live with it). Every time I even bring N. up, my dad chides me with the fact that "he lives far away" (which he doesn't, I could take a bus right to the front of his house, and vice versa). I wonder if my dad even pays attention enough to notice the fear in my eyes when I even think about N., but the mere fact that he would go into the same grocery line as me and chide me when I don't want to go back there tells me that he doesn't.

I wonder if N. ever really thinks of me or if it's just my own paranoia. You know what they say though, it's not paranoia if your right. Ugh, as I look out my front door I'm reminded that My front door technically makes me closer to him then my back, since I have to go down a supper long driveway and part of a street to get the street my front door faces. And even when I get down the street, I have to go past two houses before I ever reach the point I am where my window is. Thank god my bedroom window faces the driveway of my house. Maybe my dogs barking will give me half a warning if he ever decides to just show up. Wow do you see how strong this fear is? I don't need to wonder if you care, because I know you don't, but even just writing this out makes me feel better

I wonder if shrinks get tired of hearing the same stuff from their patients over and over again, because I know at least with me, I repeat the things I say in therapy over and over and over again, and if you've seen the redone version of Freaky Friday, you'll know that therapists pretty much know what their patient is going to talk about before they even step in the room.

Sigh....maybe all this wondering is what's keeping me up at night. I severely doubt it though, because I wondered a lot of things when I was taking the trazodone and slept like a baby. I'm sure it doesn't help things though. Oh well, it's nearly seven o'clock here and though the sun is rising later and later, it's still going to be light enough to see the cars in just a few minutes. Grrr...I hate not sleeping, don't you?

Till next time, I wonder