The Non-Rant Rant

As I was reading a new book today (since I finished Tori's book) the fictional character is in the beginnings of a relationship. They went out on a first date and she wanted to have him come in so they could have sex. She wanted the relationship to be a one day thing, and much to her surprise she's seeing him again. ANYWAY they share this small kiss, one that sounds wonderful. And it occurred to me as I was reading this that I haven't thought about physical contact in a while. This is actually really unlike me, despite the fact that haven't really talked about it in here except for the one love rant. I honestly don't know what's going on. I don't know if I've been so busy doing other things like Paganism and 501c3 stuff and blah blah blah that I just haven't thought about it, or if my mind actually doesn't want to think about being physical with anyone.

The song "physical" is running in my mind as I write this. How ironic is that, that while I'm writing an article about being with a member of the opposite sex what happens to pop into my head is a song that I don't consider remotely sexual. Now Tori's "Leather", that is very physical and followed the song physical in popping into my head but did it only do that because I was forcing myself to think about something sexual? Who knows.

I don't think it's that I don't want to be with a man. Far from it; every time I go to a LCPJ meeting I think about the fact that half the guys in my room are my type but unfortunately very taken. So yes, I have thought about men per say, but I haven't really thought about the physical aspect of being with one in a while. Yep there it goes again..."you gotta get physical, physical". Ugh, I don't even know who wrote the song and I already hate them for sticking this revolting song into my head. See! Even when I'm writing a blog about sex my mind veers off on another train of thought.

Then again, maybe this is a good thing. They say that you find someone when you least expect it. I wonder if the hints that Jeff guy was throwing me where actually real. THAT'S IT! THAT'S why I haven't been thinking about the physical side of men and that's exactly why every time I think that Jeff is trying to send a hint I completely ignore it. I am still caught up on the idea that no guy would ever want to be with only me. My eyes flicker to a sign I made one day when I was in a really bad mood. I had let myself go into a sort of trance-like-painting-thing and let my hand paint or write whatever it wanted to. When suddenly, out of no where, my hand was writing "you are beautiful". I stopped and looked at the words in disbelief, wondering if it really said that or if I was just imagining it. But there it was, all three words, right next to the words "stop trying so hard" and "just let it come". Those phrases were ones that I actually wanted on the paper. And so, with out even thinking about the fact that those three words were on the paper I put it on my bulletin board and have been seeing it every time I sit at this desk since. I guess somewhere inside me I do believe I'm beautiful. It's just really really hard to see that side when I'm talking to men or trying to find one. Maybe this is the way I should look at playing the game of relationships, by not really planning each move but letting my mind take me to where ever it seems to want to go. Maybe that's why the idea of asking J. out suddenly popped into my head before. Intellectually it scares me to death, and the more I think about it the more I want to talk myself out of it, but there is that side of me, that side of me that wrote "you are beautiful", that just wants to take life by the horns and go for it. Maybe it was also that side of me that was able to talk so smoothly to the guy who I found out was J. partner. I know that I saw him looking at me and I know that I talked to him, but I don't remember at all feeling nervous or tongue-tied. Maybe it was the mood I was in that night (this was the night of the party when in terms of my goal to get out more and make new friends everything seemed to be going right. Come to think of it, that night everything was going right). Maybe I should stop wishing that M. was single and start allowing myself to look at the guys who I believe is actually single.

I like allowing this part of me to come out and play. I like the idea of being able to easily make friends and frankly write an entry in a blog about something I am scared of so smoothly it's like I'm talking about how to design a room. And see the moment I stop being in that mode, I mess up my words and fumble. Now my mind is totally fix on the idea of J. and his partner, making what I was trying to do before go all to waste. I need to bring physical back into my mind and stop thinking about leather....yea...there it is..."you got to get physical...physical..."

Till next time...Blessed be.

P.S. Wow this was long. But I really didn't think about what I was writing, I just kinda let myself do it. I was once again in the same kind of easy street trance I was in when I went to the party, and when I made that sign. I made mistakes, yes, but I erased them with ease with out a care in the world. I want to stay in this world damn it. But maybe that's the point. If I force it, I won't stay here. Sigh....this is a good feeling. I'm ranting but it's about something good and yet at the same time scary. So is it a rant or not? I don't know anymore, I'm just letting it be...blessed