My version of Halloween

It's Halloween. My first Halloween as a Pagan. What do I feel? I really don't know what to feel. I'm always had a problem facing death. When my friend J. died I didn't go to her funeral. Having not seen each other for nearly five years, we had reconnected and became friends again, often talking about pain. She was going through the pain of leukemia and I was going through the pain of RSD. When I heard she died, I thought I was going to go to her funeral. I really did. But then when I woke up the day of the funeral I was in pain. A lot of pain. And I could almost hear her voice telling me that if I didn't want to go to the funeral, I didn't have to. When she was alive, J. and I often talked about one of us coming to see the other. And we often talked about the fact that long car rides were bothersome to me. And, because she was in Maryland, any drive to come see her was going to be a long hall, and probably mean pain. She always told me I didn't need to come down and see her, and she told me the same thing the day of her funeral. So, I put on a very long Tori Amos CD (J. first introduced me to her and loved her just as much as I d0) and sat in my family's recline chair and remembered. That was back in April before I decided to become a Pagan. Now that I am one I am learning that they believe any way you worship is good so long as you are honoring the Goddess. I believe the same is true when it comes to funerals. Long story not so short, today being Halloween, the day when the vial between the living and the dead is the thinnest, it is very hard for me to figure out how to celebrate. In addition, one of my Great Aunts on my dad's side just died. She was a neat lady. I didn't go to her funeral either. It's not because I wasn't as close to her as I was to J., the simple fact is that a christian funeral would do nothing for me. And in my opinion one shouldn't have to go to a funeral that they believe is not in their religion or comfort zone. When someone very close to me dies, like my parents, I will obviously want to be in on the planning for the funeral, so that I can go and celebrate the life my parent lived.

A Pagan does not celebrate Halloween like everyone else. First of all, there is a different name for it all together, which is Samhain (your probably wondering why I don't call Halloween Samhain. And frankly, I don't have an answer. The truth is I think that they are the same holiday and how you celebrate it and what you call it shouldn't be that big a deal). Halloween is the celebration of death as a part of the circle of life (and no I don't mean like in a Lion King kind of way. In this circle of life, there is actually regeneration as the body moves into another soul. That is the step after death.) that turns within us and within the world itself.

Frankly when I first heard a long time ago before I was a Pagan that Halloween is a time to celebrate death I was a little freaked out. "What?" I thought, very confused. "How is death a good thing? It's nothing to celebrate." Like I said, this was before I became a pagan. Now that I am one I see that really death is everywhere. Trees, which are alive and therefore have the circle moving through them, go through a process of death every fall. A snake loosing its skin is also an example of death. Plus, I believe we look at death in the wrong way. We put people in jail for helping a terminally ill patient to die, yet really do not let people morn as they should. It is impossible to get off work for a funeral, and costs for them are huge. We should be looking at death as the next step, not as something that is final. And that is what I celebrate when I am celebrating death. I am celebrating it's moving us through the seasons, and I celebrate the wheel that keeps turning within me.

One more thing I have to write about that has to do with this. The other day I went to the mall when there in front of the entrance was a huge "season's greetings" sign with a big Santa Claus connected to it. In my opinion, this is what is wrong in our society. We do not take the time to stop and celebrate each day. And holidays, well, if it doesn't come attached with money on the end that it isn't important to most of the America public. Sigh...Sometimes when I write these things I get so frustrated. Because I know people agree with me, but honestly what can we do to stop it? The people who do agree with me don't want to become heads of corporations so nothing will change. Holidays will keep getting pushed together, till one day Santa comes to the mall in April.

As for me, I'm keeping my holidays separate, and celebrating each day. As my life turns on the great wheel.