What Really Matters

I know. I haven't been writing lately. Boo Hoo. The truth is that whenever I think about writing in here I get too tired from reading the thousands of emails that I get a week (and that may not be an exaggeration) from the liberal groups that I belong to. And I don't blame them, I want to make the world better too. But frankly, you don't have to be online all the time, sending one word emails about how outraged you are that G.W.B. did something stupid AGAIN.

I guess the real reason I'm bitter is because sometimes it seems that these people don't concentrate on the things that are most important. Ok, yes, they are constantly saying how good the friendships are between them, but when something awful happens to one of them,it doesn't seem like they take the time to try to help that person. Like at the last meeting, one of the women was crying because her pet bird was sick. Ok, so that's not the most important thing in the world but it sure is to that woman, and if that's what gets her through the day so be it.

Ok so yes, there is other things on my mind besides liberal issues, but for some reason, I don't want to talk about them. Maybe it's the fact that someone (usually me) is constantly sick in my family. Maybe it's because of the fact that I really don't have a lot of information, but for whatever the reason, I'm avoiding the subject. But for those few people out there that I know read this blog, I will tell you what's wrong:

There is something wrong with my heart. It's called Mitral Stinosis. Apparently the Mitral valve in the heart opens and allows blood to go through and then move to the other artery to get oxygen and the whole thing starts over again. That's roughly how it's supposed to work anyway. Well it seems that my heart is BOTH not letting out enough blood while at the same time letting some back in when it's not supposed to. So far we don't know how to treat it because I need to get more tests done.

Here's the part that makes me really angry though: This was not discovered until I started having really bad chest pains and this hard thumping in my chest. No it wasn't my heart, well, not my heart beating correctly anyway. What it was was an extra beat, followed by a pause while the heart figured out what was going on, followed by a hard beat. We only found the problem with the valve when I had an echo and a stress test done. We don't know how bad it is yet, I have to get another echo followed by a test that involves sticking tubes in my veins and checking how hard the valves are opening and closing, that's the way I understand it anyway. Anyway I was starting to tell you what makes me angry about this and then I got off track, but here, finally, is the reason I'm really angry:

This is not a problem that just cropped up. The Cardiologist actually said that "This didn't happen over night." Now let's think about this; I've been in the hospital how many times? Been in a drug induced coma, and had surgery by the time I was four years old AND NO ONE CAUGHT THIS. This could have been fixed years ago in the younger years of my life that most people never remember (like when I had my first surgery at the age of FOUR!).

So I wish I could just concentrate on liberal issues that in the huge scheme of things don't matter, because really the only thing that matters is being happy and if you let politics get you completely down all the time then you're going to be down for the rest of your life, you know what I mean?

If you go back many entries you will see the story of my families health problems, and why I am tired of someone (usually me) being sick. But for now I'll just say blessed be and play a game till I'm tired enough to sleep, ok?

Blessed be!

The Only Thing We Have To Fear...

Ok, it's truth time.

I am reading this book "How to Be Your Own Therapist: A Step-By-Step Guide to Building a Competent, Confident Life. I truly believe this book was written for me, for it talks about the reasons I am at the point where I am right now, and gives suggestions on how to make that better. I'm not talking about the suggestions here; I'm telling the truth about the reasons I'm here.

First and for most, when you break it down to it's smallest pieces, the reason I am where I am (at least the reason that I can control) is fear. Of all the things I fear, I am most afraid of failing. This has long been ingrained in my head. Whether or not she planned it or not, from the time I was very small my mother has told my sisters and I that we must learn to support ourselves. At the time I think (and she'll tell me this is true, that what she meant was we shouldn't have to have a partner in order to get the things that we want. This does not mean she's against marriage, but instead believes you should be out on your own for a while, and not take the help of anyone else....

But I wonder if she ever thought about support coming the government, rather then a partner. I'm sure that when she told us those words, she truly meant we shouldn't get ANYONE'S help, but I'm also sure that she has now changed her tune. There are times when a person has to lean on other people for help. I'm also sure that my mother does not believe that even though I have RSD that I should go out on my own, that the support I get from both the government and her and my father is necessary.

However.

That does not mean I feel any better about having to use the government and my parents support in order to sustain myself. I truly believe that I should be out there at least supporting myself in part, even if it is a small part. I truly believe I have failed. My dreams have not come true and I am not living on my own.

However.

That doesn't mean I am lying around the house doing nothing. It also doesn't mean that while I do things, I don't get out of the house. The things I do happen both inside and outside the house, and also involve other people. This week alone I have three meetings, and while that does not sound like a lot, when your sympathetic nervous system is constantly running like mine is, three meetings in one week is a lot. That also doesn't count the auction I am going to on Saturday, and then the fact that I have to start all over again The next week.

Ok so I've gone a little off course and haven't really been talking about the things I fear, so here's another:

I am deathly afraid of people seeing me as not good enough. While I'm aware that many people in the groups I run and am apart of TELL me they think I'm capable, that doesn't mean it's the truth. And maybe it is the truth, and maybe I really am good looking, but...

Ah ha! Here's another fear:

I am afraid of being confident. That's right folks, despite all my whining about wanting to be confident, the idea of knowing everything I want to and doing everything I want to makes me very scared, for I fear that once I am up there that I will fail all the people who have come to have faith in me. Someone tell me if that makes sense...because I'm not sure I explained it correctly.

Also I'm afraid that it's a stupid thing to fear, which leads into my fear of being looked at as stupid, ugly, or any number of the things they used to call me back in grammar school...

Sigh...I really should just get over these things and live my life the best way I know how, and to take things minute by minute. That reminds me of one more fear: the fear that I will have insomnia all night long again...

So I'm going to get off of here and play some games and try to make myself tired enough to get to bed. Goodnight all.

Blessed be!