On Yule Traditions and The feeling of Uselessness

Some say the most horrible feeling in the world is hopelessness. I there are two most horrible feelings in the world: loneliness and uselessness. Hopelessness comes when one or both has taken over your life and you feel you have no other choice but to sucome to it. I confess I am not there yet, but trust me when I say that the feeling of uselessness, even in small doses, is not a good feeling.

For something different to do at Yule (the pagan Christmas, although in my opinion Christmas is on the wrong date: SHEPPARDS DO NOT WATCH THEIR SHEEP BY NIGHT IN WINTER! And as we all know the date of Christmas was named so that more Pagans could be converted easily, but anyway) my family and I volunteered at an old folks home. We were to hand out food and talk to the old folks, in order to help the nurses and give the residents a smile. And while my mom is right, none of us did much (the volunteer coordination at that thing was horrible!), I must admit that it would have gone even faster then it already did if I had been able to carry the trays. And while it may seem like a small thing, I very much wanted to put a smile on the resident's faces.

And I wanted to do that not only as a volunteer, but as someone who knows how it feels to not be able to get out of bed; to have someone other then yourself wipe your butt and clean your body. I so wanted to tell them that I understood, but I'm sure of the few that would understand what I was saying, I wouldn't want to make their yule any worse then it may already be. And I'm sure telling the residents of your problems isn't what a volunteer is supposed to do.

Alright, so this wouldn't be a blog of only gloom and doom, I will tell you that I had a really good first Yule. Although my family does not share my new found beliefs, they are very good about helping me do what I need and also letting me have times and places where I may worship freely. I did so last night, and I must say it was very freeing. The morning hours were spent with my family, opening presents and watching other people open theirs. My mom told us that because she does not believe in the Christian story of what Christmas is supposed to be all about (although I told her to think of it as Yule instead) she did not want to give us as many presents this year. I told her that I truly believe that it is not the quantity of the gift but the quality, and it is not how much you spend on a present but what you meant by giving it. And I must say that because my sister's and I now have our own money and are able to give each other presents that it seemed we had just as much presents as before, not that it would have mattered anyway. And to my happiness all of my family members who got home made gifts (although giving homemade gifts may be the more frugal way to go, they were made with love they were also made to last and made for each person to get much joy out of them) were very happy with them. So despite my sadness at our little volunteering adventure, and a small tift with my mom, Yule went very well. And may I please say: Merry Yule to all, and to all a good night!

Blessed be!

Heal Thy Self

Remember a few weeks ago when I told you I thought I lost my best friend? Well celebrate with me, because I haven't! He still wants and is talking to me, and not only that but in the conversations we've had since the fight the only person to bring up the fight is me. And that feels really good. But here's the thing: just because he's friends with me again doesn't mean that he will tolerate me doing the same kind of thing. In fact, and he hasn't said this but I'm pretty sure it's true; frankly if I do something like this again to his friends, I'm sure our friendship will really be over. But am I planning on doing something like this again? AM I STUPID??? HELL NO I'M NOT PLANNING ON DOING ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN. The truth is I didn't plan on hurting female J. I simply wanted to do something for male J. since I think he does more for me....

Which is really the crux of the entire problem in our relationship and all of the relationships I have or have ever had: I put all of my friends on pedestals. At first it may sound like a good thing. But then you have to consider the fact that every time a friend does something nice for me the pedestal gets higher and higher. And if you are paying attention you will realize that that means male J.'s pedestal is so big I'm looking at his shoes rather then looking at him eye to eye like a friend should. I want to bring my friendships down to eye level....

But that raises another problem. I my friendships to come down to my level, but frankly I don't want anyone to be at my level. In my level people get made fun of and they hurt themselves with words and bad thoughts. And if I don't bring my friends down to my level then they are still on a pedestal...

Which makes it boils down to my problem of having a low self esteem. Damn it, why does everything come back down to that? Sigh...guess I really am going to have to fix myself...

You know I don't normally talk about what I talk about in therapy. Most of that is because I already told you all the things I've said in therapy before I told the therapist about it because I write in here usually right after or during what is happening. Part of that is because at every meeting I have had with this (now fairly) new therapist I've cried. I don't know if that's because she's really good, or if it's because I finally want to tell her everything. I had planned on doing this when I lived in my last apartment and had a therapist for quite awhile. It was one of my new years resolutions to tell her everything so that I could get more out of the experience. But then I moved back here and had to find a whole new therapist and new therapists are kinda like new friends: you just don't tell them your life story the first time you meet them. Yes, you do tell your therapist your life story much earlier then you do your friends (usually anyway), but you do need to take sometime to feel each other out. You need to get to know your therapist, I especially always want to check and see if there's anything that surprises me. Or, like what happened with one of my therapists, they might say something like "well if I was your mom I wouldn't want you dating someone that old". I'm sorry but YOUR NOT MY MOM. In my opinion when it comes to relationships and talking about them with your therapist you should try to figure out if the relationships you are in are healthy or not. She could have said something like "well I'm not sure if this much age difference is what qualifies as a healthy relationship" but event that's stretching it. Age has nothing to do with a healthy relationship. I dated someone one year older, and he verbally abused me. I dated someone sixteen and a half years older then me, and he adored me.

Anyway that's the subject we went over today: healthy relationships. And the biggest relationship we talked about was Joe and the fight I had and whether or not that's a sign that it isn't a healthy relationship and that maybe I shouldn't be his friend anymore. But that's not really what she was saying. She told me that if when you talk to him there's a nagging voice in your head telling you something's wrong, you should listen to it. And the fact is that when I talk to Joe, there is a nagging voice. Actually when I talk to a lot of my friends, there is a nagging voice, and this is why:

I put my friends on a pedestal. The more they do for me, the higher their pedestal becomes, and the lower mine becomes. And frankly if I do something for them, my pedestal doesn't go up nearly as high as my friend's pedestal does when she does something good for me, if at all. The point is that I don't just look up to my friends: I worship them. And that isn't a healthy relationship. And yes, I did had to get that pointed out to me by my shrink. So shoot me. There are many things that many people learn from their shrinks that they should have known in the first place. Like those people who believe that a boy friend who abuses will change. It's just not true. And I just thought of something: when I went out with N., I didn't try to change his abusive behavior, because really I didn't see his abusive behavior. He hid the fact that he was feeding my idea that my friends are on pedestals so well, that on the surface no one would be able to see what he was doing, especially me at the time! Here's how he did it: N. basically told me that he's this supreme being (I know, I know, I was stupid to believe him on that factor and I never should have. Trust me when I say I've been over that in my head a thousand times) and that while I'm a supreme being also, he is more supreme then I am. Him and D. both did it. D. says he made the whole thing up and just gave the story to N., but I think the truth is the that it's the other way around. N. actually believes he's evolved now (and no, I don't believe that)!

He's the other relationship we talked about. I talked about how I can't get it out of my mind. My shrink (J.....oh damn that's another J....here we go again!) that the reason I keep thinking about N. is because it reminds me of something I'm going through, and that something is probably J. I tried to say that J. and my relationship is not as bad as N.'s and I was, but, as she pointed out, saying something like "it's not that bad" means there probably is something bad about it. And there is, like I said: I put J. on a pedestal. Anyway when it comes to N. I just want to get the thought of him out of my mind. And she really didn't give me anyways of doing that besides talking to J. (I'll tell you about that in a minute) but the fact is that I have thought about N. almost every day since I broke up with him. But what J. (the shrink) said is that the relationship with N. taught me how to look for the bad signs. It also taught me that in relationships I need to step back and listen to that nagging voice. As I told her, that's frankly the way that I was finally able to break up with N. It goes like this: N. and I had gotten caught doing more then fooling around (but not having intercourse, and no, I'm not going to get into it!) and I was supposed to go to AZ to visit my Uncle the following week. So my parents said (since frankly I felt really bad about doing it) that as punishment I would not see N. until after I came back from my Uncle's house. I agreed (though looking back on it I didn't have any choice) and when to my Uncle's place having not talked to N. since that day. Well it was during that trip that I was able to step back and listen to that nagging voice. Because I didn't have N. around to turn off that voice with kisses and such, I was able to think about what our relationship really was like. And it was with that that I was able to break up with him. And you know what? I remember being almost happy after I did it. Every other relationship I have was sad for days or weeks because I broke up with the person. Like my first boy friend (who I consider my first love) C. When I broke up with him I cried for three days straight! And frankly it was because C. was a mommas boy and "never had the time" (i put the "" around it because I think that's a load of crap) I was able to take the time to listen to the nagging voice again!

Now I know what I have to do: I have to tell J. (my best friend, not my shrink) what I have learned. I have to tell him that in order for our friendship to get better I have to stop putting him on a pedestal. I will tell him that obviously it's not his fault that I did that, but that if he notices me doing it, to try to help me stop it. He's always been good at making me listen to the good voices in my head, and he'll probably be able to the same thing with this. And it is with that statement that I do not have any nagging voices. And J. (the shrink...hey maybe I'll call her J.T.S! J. The Shrink! LOL) says that that's a sign of a good relationship

Sigh...well I was going to tell you about a promise I made to my new friend T. today. I told him that all day today I would try to write down a list of things to do. If I don't like it I won't have to do it again, but he says just doing that will bolster my self esteem. So I'll start it just a little:
1. I can type really fast. 2. I can walk. 3. I can read fairly well. 4. I can write.

I forgot to tell you it's my birthday! LOL oh well. Wish me happy birthday! But I really must get to bed. I am very tired and despite taking oxycodone I am still hurting pretty good (What does that statement mean anyway? There is no such thing as hurting good! Stop rambling Andrea!).

So it is with a smile and a hope for better friendships that I say good bye, wishing you blessed be all day long.

As you may or may not have noticed, I usually like to title my blogs. The reason some didn't get titles is simple: I forgot to put one in. But the last blog's title was left out on purpose. Since I had talked about so many things in the blog, I didn't know what title to give it. I was going to call this one "The subject I won't talk about and my review of House". But that's not going to work because I have a lot on my mind. So unfortunately this might not have a title and you just might have to actually read the blog to find out what it's about. Then again, maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

I'm not sure where to begin on this, so I'll simply go where my mind takes me. That's what I usually do anyway isn't it? And as I've said many times before, this is my blog, so why do I worry about what other people think of it?

Because I'm a worry wart. And because I care far too much what people think about everything I do. And because I barley have a self esteem at all. Maybe that's why I avoid talking about drugs in the first place. I don't like people yelling at me and telling me that medicinal marijuana may actually be a good thing, and that there are reasons why people do drugs. The fact is, I don't care. As you may have read about in this blog, I have dealt with far too many bad things that have to do with drugs and alcohol. Then again, I'm not sure you realize that what happened with my sister N. is not the first time it happened; but I may have told you in those blogs that this most recent episode is the third or forth time my family and I have gone through drama because my sister thinks that she's not an alcoholic and she doesn't have a drug problem. She says she realizes that now, and that she's not drinking, but frankly after so many lies I'm not sure if I believe her anymore.

Maybe that's what my mom means by "waiting for the other shoe to drop". The other reason for thinking that is the fact that right now there isn't any big problems going on in my family's life, and that's a very new thing for all of us. We are so used to someone being close to death, or in way too much pain, or yelling at us, or...well you get the picture. But we are so used to our lives being controlled by those factors that we don't know how to deal with times that are good. It causes our stomach's to tie in nots and our minds to do the proverbial "checking over our shoulders" every five minutes. I know that you are saying that I should just be happy about this and let it alone, that the more you wonder if something bad is going to happen the more likely it is that something bad is going to happen. I know that stuff. I say it to my mother all the time. But the fact is that our family truly does survive best in 911 mode. And yes, I know your wondering if this means my pain is gone, since I'm saying that everything is fine, and no, that's not it at all. Frankly my family considers my being in pain more like a constant. Actually, the weird part is that if I weren't in pain, we would REALLY be wondering what the hells going on. Like I said, we're just used to it.

Another thing that's on my mind is the show "House". I know I know, you're probably thinking that with everything going on in my life, why would I worry about a stupid TV show. But then again if you've ever watched the show you will know what I'm talking about. Everyone, including the show's producers who decide what to make the highlight of the story, thinks that the fact that Dr. House (that's the main character, obviously) is constantly figuring out medical mysteries, that he's a really mean guy, and that he may be going to jail for being a pain killer addict. But the truth is that's not what keeps many of us glued to the TV set. At least not those in the RSD community anyway. That was a hint as to why I watch it, but let me just tell you straight out: Dr. House suffers from chronic pain. Everyone thinks that the pain isn't there, that he's just addicted to pain killers from the first time he had pain problems that supposedly "went away", but trust me, those of us in the pain community know the difference between a user and someone who really is in pain, at least most of the time. I know what your thinking and yes, he's just acting, he's really not in pain, but the fact despite being an ass hole (on the show and in real life. I saw him interviewed on "In Side The Actors Studio) he's also a really good actor. And we in the pain community don't have to look in the eyes of EVERYONE we think has RSD. We know the symptoms well enough. As you may or may not have guessed, we think that the great Dr. House has RSD. Call us crazy (and there really is an "us" if you go into RSD chat rooms and email list serves and ask what they think of the show "House", the first thing many of them will talk about is the fact that while the word "RSD" has never been spoken on the show, House probably has the disease. How do we know? Well first, their is the fact that he's in constant agonizing pain, that none of the pain killers except for the extreme ones work on the pain, and that even when those pills DO work, he has to keep popping one every five minutes just to keep the pain from becoming too unbearable. Ok ok, that could all be signs of an addict. But then there is the clincher: the pain that House is experiencing was taken away when he was in a coma and given Ketamine. I don't know if I told you or not, but the reason I went five months without pain is because I went to Germany and was put in what's called a "K hole", which basically means giving someone enough Ketamine that they go into a coma. Obviously the coma was watched very closely, but that's not the point. The in the episode that shows coming out of the coma (actually he was having a coma dream, but let's not go into details, ok? In shows after that he was still better!) one of the doctors says to him "we gave you Ketamine" and when Dr. House says why the doctor says "some little hospital in Germany has been giving it to patients with chronic pain and they have been waking up pain free" (ok that wasn't her exact words, but she did talk about a hospital in Germany giving Ketamine to patients with pain)! I don't know about you, but when you are part of a group of only a handful of people that experienced something, and then that something gets mentioned on a major TV show, it kinda gives you the chills. Anyway, House's pain did come back, but remember so did mine. And not only that, House took his new pain free freedom to the extreme, and did things no 40 something year old man should do, like ride a skateboard for the first time and other things. So I guess you are wondering why I'm on this kick TODAY and not some other day if I watch the show so religiously. It's because on today's episode the doctors he works with decided they knew what's best for him and took away his Vicadin. First of all, when someone is chewing on major pain killers like their candy, and then someone takes them away, you go through withdrawal, and that ain't pretty. I went through Ketamine withdrawl after I came back from Germany (they couldn't keep me in the hospital giving me major doses of the stuff forever you know) and while that wasn't as extreme, I know what withdrawal feels like. It isn't fun. I didn't mention this before, but that is another reason why I don't like drugs. I have been prescribed many of them. And really it's not the taking them that' s the problem. It's that horrible feeling of not knowing where you are. I'm told that's what people who take drugs are looking for, that I have to take them in a "good" setting and "expect them to make me happy" before I will like the feeling. But if that's the truth then why do people take them in the first place, if they are already in a "good" setting? Anyway sorry, small tangent. Besides going through withdrawal, House's pain also obviously came back with avengance. And he did all of the classic things that those of us who have had horrible pain do. I don't want to go through the list, but trust me when I say that though of us with chronic pain all know what it looks like.

I know what you're thinking: if it's only us in the RSD world that think House has RSD, how do we know we're right? Well the fact is that you would probably consider those handful of people who know what RSD is and can recognize it as part of the RSD community, that you need an outside source to check to see if he has RSD...but the fact is that most "outside sources" don't believe RSD is real anyway. "Then how do you know it's real the unbelievers (we'll just call them that for now) are saying. Ugh. Don't get me started about the misconceptions the people who don't believe RSD is real have. One person actually told me that he read that RSD only spreads in something like 2% of the people who have it. Had I known what the exact number was, I would have laughed in his face. I knew it was higher then that, but I didn't know how much higher. The fact is (and this is backed by doctors who treat it...ugh but then the unbelievers call them "RSD doctors" and want yet ANOTHER outside source...but like I said, an outside source is an unbeliever anyway!) RSD spreads in 70% of cases.

You may be wondering if I'm just one of those people who believes in things that are unreal. Like aliens or whatever. But the fact is that the number of people who understand that RSD exists is growing. And I'm sorry, but I can't "make up" swollen fingers and hands and things like that. And I can't make "fake" color changes in my hands and feet look real. It's kinda like telling a jaundice (yea, I know, spelling again) person that they just took a highlighter and colored in their entire body. It just isn't true.

While as always I could say more, my hands are killing me (or is it "all in my head" that my body is swelling or is that a "power of the mind" trick...ugh...sorry but unbelievers really piss me off) and I should probably at least attempt to sleep. So maybe I will title this like I thought I would. I don't know, I guess I'll have to see what happens. Till next time....

Blessed be

Ok so I know it's been like forever since I've written but I honestly didn't think I had anything to write about. Of course what could happen is exactly what happened in my shrink's office the other day. I went in thinking I had absolutely nothing to say, and ended up crying and talking to her about a whole bunch of things that I didn't even know were on my mind. I can't even remember what I talked about now!

I guess I should first say what happened to the whole J. and J. saga. Well first, I sort of figured out why the whole thing happened. But I didn't tell the female J. the reason for a long time because I thought it sounded like a dumb excuse. But then again, there is no excuse for what I did, there can only be reasons. The male J. told me that. How did he tell me that if we aren't talking? You wonder? Because we started talking again! Woot! I don't deserve his friendship, and after I tell you what the reason was you might really start to wonder about me, or not read my blog or...wait a minute. Didn't I set up this blog for me? So that I could write about my true feelings without having to explain them to the rest of the world? So why am I worrying about whether or not you (if there even is a "you" out there) will stop reading this? I know that ocassionally P. reads this, and P. is one of the few friends I almost believe I will hang out to forever, first because she is extremely forgiving, and secondly because all of my problems with friends that I can remember have been over two things: RSD, or guys. I don't know if P. will ever have half of the experiances I've had, or if she's going to have any of them! At 24, she's never touched, kissed, held hands with, or done anything with a guy. Not a thing! I used to think this was a bad thing and she should really experiance at least one or two of the things that feel good when it comes with being with a guy, but then I realized that with all the drama I've had dealing with relationships, why would I tell such a sweet, innocent girl to mess up her life like that? She's better off the way she is, increadibly smart (this girl is the ultimate sponge) and happy with just being friends with who ever she's friends with (although I don't know if she's even ever been friends with a guy!

Anyway back to the whole J. and J. drama. Wondering why the male J. even started talking to me again? That's exactly what I was wondering when he sent me a text message that said "We've got to talk." So I call him and he asks me the following: "Did you tell (the female) J. that if she didn't help you become friends with me again you would make her life a living hell?" I answered him in exactly what the truth was: "What am I stupid?!?" First, I am well aware that anything bad I say to the female J. is going to get back to the male J. Second, I am even more well aware of the fact that if I would have told her such a thing, not only would it have gone back to the male J., but he would have cut me a knew one again, and she would have done the same thing. Which is interesting. If I actually said that to her (which I didn't) why didn't she tell me where to put those words in the first place? I know she is perfectly capable of doing that, believe you me she yelled at me good enough the last time. What was shocking was the male J.'s reaction. He basically told me that he didn't know who to believe, because on the one hand he had the female J., who has no reason to lie to him, and on the other he had me, someone who had lied to him and would have done (nearly) anything to get back in his good graces. And I told him I understood that, that I really would do nearly anything to get back into his good graces, but the opprative word here is NEARLY. I'm not stupid. If I hurt my best friend by hurting one of his friends, I'm certainly not going to try to become his friend again by rehurting her. So after I got off the phone with him I called her and asked her where she though she heard that, and she told me it was from my mouth. I don't know maybe my RSDuh (forgetting due to RSD, I can't believe I never said that on here before! Or maybe I did, and this is another example of RSDuh) has been working over time or if I have serious amnesia or what, but I swear on whatever you want me to swear on (when the male J. asked me to swear on something I swore on a friend of mine, Jen's ((she's dead so you certainly can't come after her! So now you know when you will hear the real name of my friends: when their gone, so please tell me you are hoping with me that you will never hear the name of any one of my friends again!)) grave, that I didn't do it and I will do it again!) that I did not, will not, do not want to, will never want to, ever harm the female J. again! Hurting anyone (well, maybe my ex N.) just isn't worth it and in this case it definately isn't worth it! Ugh....

So yes, the male J. and I are talking again. I actually sent him a text message yesturday asking him if I could call him and he told me not that day cuz he was sick but to call him yesturday (Saturday) or today, but I'm going to be baking cookies and watching football with my family tomorrow so I might not get the chance to, what I might do is call the male J. first and depending on whether or not we have one of our super long talks again or not, I will call the female J. too. Because I haven't called her in a couple days and the last time I talked to her my chest had been hurting really bad and I just wanted to lay down and after that she was worried that it was my heart so I got to call her and tell her everything is alright, that it's just the RSD like I thought it was.

Oh, I don't know if I told you about that! My chest is killing me! It hurts everyday and has for a while now, which is why I'm not sure if I told you about it or not. My family and everyone else I told about it was worried that it might be my heart so I went to the doctor and she did an EKG and took some blood. The EKG was normal and we haven't heard about the blood yet but I'm sure that's normal too.

I guess I should tell you about everything else in my life (as if that's a lot) on this blog too. I might get in trouble for having a really long blog, but then again who would I get in trouble with?

Remember I told you I'm in the local peace group in my community? I told you the name of it but that has my city name in it so if you don't remember then phhhht (that's supposed to be the sound of a rasberry) to you! Anyway I have joined thier progressive newspaper and became a staff writter. I'm also helping with distribution, which is really in sad shape right now. I am writting three very short articles (150 words) about different pieces of news that have gone on in the last two months (hey, we don't have the money to be monthly, let alone daily people!). The two other articles I'm writing are harder to explain and I might not finish in this blog before I go to bed so you might have to just deal!

When this guy, M. asked if I wanted to join the paper, I told him I had this idea to write a piece, every other issue, about different organizations in our county. Aha but you don't know why I asked to do this. I have been searching for a way to put my non-profit organization, Fighting "4" Us, out in to the media, and when they asked me if I wanted to join this paper I thought "why not just take advantage of it? So the first organization I'm writing about will be Fighting "4" Us! sneaky aren't I? I know you might think that a progressive news paper in a mid-sized town doesn't do a lot of good, but 4,000 copies is 4,000 copies, and that's not something to shake a news paper at.

The other piece was M.'s idea. he wanted people in the group to write different pieces about different types of discrimination. I said I'd write about disabilities discrimination. I figured it would give me a chance to bitch out in the open, plus people would actually read about it. But then I realized just how much information can be put into 350 words. Not a whole lot! It's about three paragraphs! But I'm going to try to do it if it kills me!

There is more to talk about, but having RSD in your lungs means that attempting to stay out of bed, even if you aren't sleeping, isn't easy. So I'm going to say good bye for now, and hope that the male J. reads this sometime and realizes I am telling the truth about not threatening the female J. Anway, till next time...

Blessed be!

I Lost My Best Friend

I'm not sure how to write this. I don't even know if I should write this; because frankly the questions I ask with in this blog may have answers that I'm very afraid of. Maybe I should just start talking.

I had a big, big fight with J. last night and the reason we fought is all my fault. You may remember my blog "Fun with P, J, and J". You may also remember me saying that the only reason I included the female J. in the fun the male J. and I were having together was because I didn't want her to feel left out. What I didn't add to that blog was that I didn't tell her this, basically I told her that I wanted to do it with both of them. I don't know if I've ever talked on here about how much I hate lying. Well I do. I know, I know I lie to my mom and family all the time about what the male J. and I do together, but trust me when I say it breaks my heart more then once over with every lie I tell them. When I'm around the people I have lied to the lie boils up inside me and it's very hard not to tell those people the truth. Because of this fact when ever the female J. called me on my cell phone I would tell her that I was busy. You know how when you tell a lie you keep having to tell additional lies so the person who you lied to won't find out?Well she texted me last night asking how I was. I sent the following message back: "I'm fine but I can't talk b/c it costs money", which is a lie. While text messaging costs money, it does not cost money to talk to another person on my cell phone after nine pm, which it was. The female J. figured that the reason I was avoiding her was because I had gotten what I wanted and I now wanted to just blow her off (which is so far from the truth. The female J. is a wonderful, caring, loving girl who doesn't deserve to be lied to. I wanted to be friends with her from the start but the lie just kept me from talking to her). Well since she figured this was the truth of the whole thing she told the male J. (the male J. and the female J. having such a close relationship they consider each other brother and sister) and he called me and he sounded so angry that I just finally wanted to tell the truth and well...he was pissed.

The male J. has the same rule I do: if you mess with us, we don't really care. But mess with our friends or family, and we will hate you for the rest of your life. And that's exactly what I did. So the male J. yelled at me for awhile, and when we got off the phone I called the female J. (no, not because I'm a glutton for punishment but because even though I knew I would be yelled at I wanted her to know how horrible I felt for making her feel horrible). She yelled at me for a while but then something I didn't expect happen. She told me that I was to call her in two days and tell her if I came up for a good reason for doing what I did. I told her that was impossible, as there really is no good reason for what I did. And as we talked, somehow she was able to me nice to me. I don't know how, because as the male J. said she should have cut me a new one and then left me for the wolves. I'll never know why, but she actually told me she cared about me. And then she told me that I could call her the next day because she knew I was telling myself I don't deserve friends and she said that that's not true! She said that I do deserve friends but I just need to learn how to treat people! I told you this girl is a wonderful person!

I don't know what's going to happen from here on out. The male J. told me that whether or not we remain friends depends on whether or not I "lick (the female) J.'s boots clean", and that whether or not we stayed friends would also depend on how I treat the female J. in the next coming weeks and months. I hope that's the truth because I plan on being more then nice to the female J. I plan on doing, getting, and being anything she asks for. I do not deserve to be given the gift of this woman's friendship but for some reason this girl is giving me a second chance and as the goddess as my witness I will do everything in my power to make that happen.

Why did I do what I did to her? Cuz I'm a selfish, horrible bitch? Other then that reason I can't give you any other reason. I honestly don't know why I did it. Yes I wanted to be with the male J. and finally give him something as he has given me more then I deserve but that is no good reason to do what I did and the female J. asked me for a good reason. I am racking my brain, and really I think I could write in here for an eternity before I found an answer.

How do I always do this? How do I always manage to loose my friends just when we really start to get to know each other and care about each other? I used to tell the male J. that someday I'd screw it up. He never believed me. I guess now he does. God, that's a horrible feeling. I wanted him to be right damn it. For once in my life I wanted to have a long term friend. Everyone has long term friends...at least I think I do...you know those people who you have been friends with your entire life? I never had one of them and just when I thought that I was getting close I screw it up. Figures.

I guess I'll go for now, less this blog get too long. It can never be long enough.

Blessed be.

The Story Of N.

I've put the Dixie Chicks "Taking The Long Way" in my computer. I keep listening to their song "Not Ready To Make Nice", which is the song they wrote after people banned them, wrote death threats, and basically made their life a living hell just because they told the truth about George Bush. The first time I heard it, I knew that it had something to do with my life. But I figured since I'm an activist, and have been told many times I'm going to hell, that that was the reason I feel so connected to the song. But as I play the song over and over, I really listen to the words:

"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could"

and the chorus is:

"I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell
and I don't have time to go round and round and round

still mad as hell can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should"

I know, you aren't getting the connection, and even as I tell you the words that meant the most to me, you still won't get it. I avoided talking about this topic in here because frankly even after all this time I can't handle thinking about it without getting at least a little upset. Now, if you've heard the song, you might know the line that I am talking about, but if you don't, I'll put it here:

"they say, time heals everything, but I'm still waiting..."

I put the song on again so that the memory doesn't leave. Not that it ever will. Somehow this song has a way of drawing out many of the parts that I wish I could forget. Sigh...I guess I should just talk about it...so here goes.

This is the story of N. Not my sister, but my ex. I may have mentioned him a few times here and there, but I haven't really talked about the whole story. That's partially because my mind has blocked out many parts of the relationship. The biggest reason is because I try to forget it as much as possible.

I started dating N. in January of 2001. I had just broken up with C., someone I believe to be my first love, because I felt something with him I didn't feel till J. Somehow I couldn't get over him. It was my senior year of high school, and I sat with a table of guys that all, on one level or another, thought I was hot. N. was obviously one of these people. Still, I couldn't get C. out of my mind. So when N. called me up one night and we started talking and I could hear the nervousness in his voice, I just went for it. We started going out that night.

At first things were actually really good. I guess they usually are in these types of relationships. Then there is the turning point. But I will get to that. For now, the good parts. That point in my life was one of the worst for my RSD. Because of this, everyday, the period before lunch, I slept in the nurses office. I know what your thinking "wow, lucky..." but I wasn't. I was in so much pain and so tired that the daily period with the nurse was only a small reprieve from the pain. N. would "pick me up" from the nurses office everyday, and then he would walk me to lunch where we would part again. N. also was the person who pushed my wheel chair when my school's music department went to Chicago for a competition. Like I said, it started out nice at least.

At some point during that end of the school year I met D. D. and I were best friends for a few years, even after I broke up with N. I didn't realize what an ass he was even with everything that was happening. I honestly thought N. was the one who was holding the reigns. The truth was they both seemed to just like me see me squirm. But I'm getting to that.

One day N. And D. came over to my house. They told me they had to talk (now this is the part where my heart catches in my chest and I'm having a hard time typing. I may even have to stop and wait till another day. No, I must get this out...). They then told me that they had figured out, basically that N. was the son of the devil and that D. was the manifestation of love. I don't remember my exact role, all I know is that I was below both of them. As stupid as it sounds, I believed them.

From their, things got even weirder. At one point when I was at a carnival in my city, I felt, and this happened to me many times after, that I just didn't want to be there. Not in the "I don't like this carnival" sort of way, but in the "I don't want to be on this earth" sort of way. I actually tried to kill myself with my favorite necklace. I since tried to kill myself with many things, including a spoon. Please don't ask me to explain what was going on in my head back then. Many people have accused me of making up the feeling for attention. But as I write this I realize that I wish that were the truth. For some reason I wanted to die, in anyway possible. I want to blame N. for these actions, but it happen long after I broke up with him. Though N. did tell me I was beneath him, he always stopped me from doing what I planned.

You may be thinking "so what was so bad?". That's because I haven't told you about N. and D.'s part in it. You see, along with their story, N. and D. claimed they had all kinds of powers. I don't know how, but somehow N. managed to lord those so called powers over me. On one occasion I even believed the devil had possessed D. I can't explain to you what happened, all I remember is one minute we were happily playing and then the next minute D. got really scary. He literally growled at me! Now J. has growled at me, but he has apologized for it, and is trying to get help. He has multiple personalities, I know that. I don't know what was going on with D. that day. D. tried to tell me that this was a "test" for N. (or was it the other way around? I don't even remember). Somehow we ended up in my parents front lawn, N. had a pair of scissors to his throat. Some days I fantasize that I tell him to go do it. Other times I fantasize I was the hero in this horrible story. But I have to tell the truth. I went to go after N., and all of a sudden he put his hand out and I fell on my butt. I swear to you on all things holy that his hands did not touch my body. How he did it I don't know, but somehow he forced me to the ground.

These antics did not stop when I broke up with N., indeed it only got worse. You see when I was still dating N. I convinced D., who is gay and at that time had dropped out of school, to finish his schooling at my high school, which was somewhat more liberal then the school he had gone to. After I had broken up with N., D. remained my friend, at least, that's what I thought he was. Well one day D. and N. decided to pretend that N. was hurting D. I mean really hurting him beating him up and everything. I begged D. to come over to my place that night, but he said he would be ok. He came over the next day and continued with his story. That was until I came back from somewhere (I don't remember where) and I found him on the floor crying. He said that he was a horrible, that he and N. had made the whole thing up for a laugh. D. then proceeded to run all the way home. At first I tried to stop him telling him that it was ok (I know I know, don't start).

At some point I got the chance to tell N. why I broke up with him. I honestly don't remember the reason I told him. All I know is that I didn't tell him the truth. At least not the whole truth. I want to tell him now that I broke up with him because he made me feel inches tall. I want to tell him now that he haunts me in my dreams. I don't know if you read it in a past blog but when I used to try to go into the pagan store in Frederick MD I saw his face. This is because he claimed the sorted story he told me was how druids believe. As if one day Druids would find him as their leader, I mean that must be it since he claimed to be the son of the devil and rule over everyone.

Today N. works at the grocery store that my dad likes to go to. One day I went to the store with my dad and he went into N.'s line. Like a coward, I had to take my dad's keys and walk around another island and get in the car. I know N. was laughing at me.

From what D. told me some time later, N. now believes he has evolved. I'm sure he believes he was wrong that I am above all people but below him. I'm sure he now believes I'm the lowest person on earth.

And what happened to D.? Well one day D. had his boyfriend and I for a sleepover. But instead of being a good host and catering to both of us, D. had me sleep in an entirely different room then him and his boyfriend. As he put it, his top three things in life are "the three G's: God Guys and Games". When I first met him he said that his girls were very important to him. I guess that changed. The day I went home I went home dirty, and having to go to the bathroom, since somehow I didn't go for like half a day. I haven't seen D. since.

So that's the story of N. Everyone who reads this, including my friends, must now think I'm a moron for actually believing what N. told me. They must think I'm even more a moron for still being afraid of N. But the truth is I really am. The only way I would ever face him is if J. was with me, and N. and J. could stare at each other and I know J. would win. He might not even need to say anything. Still, I have often fantasized about what J. could do to N. I've seen J.'s worst personality, who J. calls the Abise, coming out and really hurting N. The only thing that stops me is that I think J. might go to jail if he did what I (and really J. too, since J. hates what N. has done to me) want him to.

I hope the people out their in blog world will forgive me for following N. I hope someday I can forgive myself. But as the Dixie Chicks put it:

"forgive, sounds good
forget...I'm not sure I could"

amen sister. And blessed be.

Ending On A Good Note

I'm just going to come on here and talk about whatever I talk about, cuz I really don't have a specific thing that I have on my mind!

So what did everyone think of the last two blogs? I wish more people would comment on this site. I know that I say I don't care one way or the other if people are reading this, but I honestly tell people to read my blog all the time and if seems like no one ever does! If certain people that are always online but never out of "away" mode notice that I am online at the same time they are free, if they would come to the computer and tell me what they thought of my blogs and generally say the hi how are you thing that would be really great!

When I used to belong to a UU youth group we used to do this thing called "good thing/bad thing" where we had to tell one good thing and one bad thing that happened during the week. I always wanted to say the bad news first, so that way I ended on a good note. I think I'll do the same here.

Again, for those who don't like hearing gross things, they may want to skip the next paragraph.

As you may or may not have read in a blog a while ago titled "it's going to get a little gross in here" I deal with constipation on a regular basis. I have been trying to deal with this problem by eating the right things and taking something called Miralax, which for most people would give them the runs if they took it every day but I take it everyday. I will say that it has become easier to go. This, however, does not mean that if I don't push as hard as if I'm pushing out a baby something will come out, but at least it's softer and doesn't hurt. This causes nice sized hemorrhoids. Well today I thought I had to go to the bathroom. I thought that what was going to come out would be very soft, as I have been very good about taking my Miralax. So when I pushed and I push and it still felt like it was stuck half way out and half way in, I was surprised, not to mention scared. I really thought it was...well...shit that was coming out, b/c every time I whipped I got a little bit out, but here what I was really pushing out was one of the biggest hemorrhoids I have ever had in my life (How did I find this out? Well my mom, who came up stairs to see if I was alright, after a while had a peek and noticed what it really was. And if you think that at my age mothers should no longer do this. then I'll ask you to push something that felt bigger then a bread basket out your butt, and then ask you if it's ok that your mom checks to see if it's really what's supposed to come out or a hemorrhoid. Or maybe you just want to sit on the toilet waiting for what's really nothing to come out, you go right ahead, but me, I'd rather have my mom look.). At the time I went to the bathroom I had told the people that I was talking to online that I would "brb". Well when I came back and was unable to sit back down, I wasn't about to carry on an entire conversation with them standing up while I waited for it go back inside, so I simply went to bed.

Ok, those who weren't looking may look now, because all I'm going to talk about is my lack of a job. Sigh...I know I shouldn't blame myself for loosing the IRS job but it really does feel partly like my fault. I should have studied the weekend in between the time we had our first two classes and the time we had our third. But, in my defence: 1) After two four hour classes on day one and day two, I was simply too tired to look at anything else IRS. I mean, help me out those who went to college, if the first two days of a class you are taking is really intense, do you really spend the weekend studying just in case there is a pop quiz? NO, I didn't think so. And 2) Help me out college and former college students, do you expect to have a major test the third day of the class after the first two intense ones? I don't think so. And if there were going to be such a major test, don't you think the teacher would tell you about it? I thought so. I really really thought that when the teacher told us to look over the stuff that we would eventually (key word in this sentence: EVENTUALLY and END)be taking at the end of the class was a suggestion, as a way of keeping the stuff you learned fresh in your head. But remember, there was supposed to be another four hour class after the weekend was over. I think that's enough keeping it in our heads don't you? And yes, they do have to test people so they know what they are doing, but that's why there is a test ON THE LAST DAY! There was literally Thanksgiving and another weekend in between the time this test happened and the time of the test on the last day. I honestly was planning on studying the material on said days.

So now on to the good news. I MADE A FRIEND! And when I said that before, I really don't think that I should have said that. Really all that I had met was an acquaintance. Since meeting him, although the times that I have talked to him have been really nice, we really haven't talked about anything serious, and haven't really talked at all more then ten minutes at a time, at most. This guy is someone from the LCPJ named M., who I have known of since I started going to meetings. We had never talked much, but when we emailed he was really really cool to me. So when the RSD in my lungs was flaring up and I couldn't sleep (as you may or may not have read in my blog), M. turned out to be my hero and talked to me for something like four hours straight until both of us were tired. And no, we didn't talk about how bad the pain or the fact that I couldn't sleep was the whole time. I told him what was going on, that all I needed was someone to talk to about anything they wanted (which was the truth) so that I could stop freaking out about how bad I hurt. At one point I did get serious, and I told him about really needing to make friends fast. Basically I told him that the one true friend that I can count on right now is going back to California in something like six days from now and that if things got bad there would be no one there for me (except for my parents, but help me out internet world, it's different right? I thought so) and how awful it may me feel that the reverse was happening with J. He listened the entire time, not asking if there was anything he could do but instead giving me the occasional "wow that sounds bad" or "uh-huh" which if you hadn't noticed was exactly what I asked for in one of my blogs! At the end of the night I said to him "well, I am really tired, but I think now I will call you a friend" and guess what he said? "ME TOO"! How awesome is that?!? I actually made a true friend! He told me during the conversation that if I ever needed to do it again he would be there for me, though I did tell him my worry with all people that say that, that eventually they all leave. I can't remember what he said to that, but I know that he believes that he's not going to leave. OH! And someone else said something to me about that tonight! He was like "well I haven't left yet have I?"! So I guess I really am starting to make friends! This rocks! Screw the hemorrhoids I had a good day!

And I can truly say that because today I actually got to take out my sax and play with people! While the poor old girl did give a few squeaks and swacks (does anyone know how to spell that?) people who were playing with me told me it sounded really good! And all I was doing was improvising! We were practicing to put together the new LCPJ (I don't really know if we are going to be affiliated with the LCPJ or not but all the members so far are with the same group so...well whatever) protest marching band called "Harmonious Discord"! I don't know if I spelled that right, hopefully spell check will take care of it but if not oh well.

I know what your thinking. "How can you march? What about your RSD?" Well M. actually told me that he would find someone who would push a wheelchair for me! And my sister S. said she would do it! So there! *gives raspberry* LOL I told M. how I feel I owe it to my sax to play b/c she's basically (and yes, my sax is a she. Don't know her name yet, but she is a she) kept me walking in high school (tell you that story later) and he was like "well then we have to get you to play!" How much does that rock!

A good day for once! WooHoo! Hope everyone else had a good day and/or is having a good day. And here's to ending on a good note! Blessed be!

Why We Are Loosing, Part 2

Ok, now that you've had a taste of that piece of garbage, let me explain to you why while I agree with the idea that the war needs to be put to a stop NOW instead of three months from now, let me explain to you the part of the controversy that I vehemently disagree with.

John Murphy believes he knows what he is talking about. At sixty something years of age, he has worked with many political campaigns. I have to tell you that they all failed, since they were all third party candidates that were running. This is because, if you couldn't tell from the last blog, John Murphy hates democrat es. He despises them. He believes that in order to have a real conversation about ending the war, democrat es should not be part of the conversation. For those of you who don't know politics all that well, let me explain to you why this is wrong.

While I am very much for better election laws that include third, fourth, and even fifth party candidates, until that happens John Murphy and every other member of third parties need to realize that the Democratic party is huge. You can not take them out of the picture, because if you take them out of the picture, there really is only one group left, and that's republicans. And we wouldn't want that now would we?

While third parties such as greens, libertarians and other such parties have been growing, they are not big enough to compete with republicans on a national level. And, in order to really change the policy on the war in Iraq, someone besides the republicans needs to be in charge of national office. The voting population of the United States understands this, and that is why the democrat es won control of the house and senate in the election. But let's for a moment take politics out of this.

It is not enough to be anti-war. In order to really change things in our society, people need to become pro-peace. People need to at least begin to realize that if we are going to change anything in this country we need to work together, instead of dividing ourselves off into smaller groups. This is exactly what I believe pro-war politicians want us to do. They want us to separate so that there is not enough of one group to win any election, thus not changing a thing in our world. But like I said, we are trying to leave politics out of this.

We need to stop looking at things as political parties, and start looking at them as human beings. It is only as human beings can we begin to really shape a peaceful world. If we as the United States of America begin to rally as human beings, letting go of our political ties, other parts of the world may begin to do so as well, and we may actually begin to see a change in policies all over the world.

Coming full circle, this is why separating a group like the LCPJ, which is supposed to be above politics, would be a step in the wrong direction. Once the LCPJ becomes only those who believe they are "the only true anti-war group" another group will form. Then when someone or some parts of that group does not like something done in that group, another group will form, until pretty soon everyone is left standing by themselves not really sure how to go about letting their beliefs be heard.

This isn't a hard concept to understand. Many people, those of us who are trying to keep the LCPJ and other groups like it alive, understand that we must rise above politics and begin to talk about peace, rather then fight about war.

As John Lenin said, maybe I'm a dreamer. But I really really hope I'm not the only one. I truly believe I'm not. I'm asking everyone to join us, until finally the world can truly be as one, one people, instead of a thousand and one political parties.

I hope everyone who agrees with me reads this, understands it, and tries to make it a policy where they come from. Otherwise I guess we are all doomed, and those who are pro-war, pro-money, and pro-big business will win, and we don't' want that. Do we?

Why We Are Loosing, Part I

I haven't been talking about the drama that is going on in the group that I have been involved in, the Lancaster Coalition for Peace and Justice (LCPJ), because frankly I tried to stay out of it. The truth of the matter is I believed if I ignored it, I thought it would all quietly go away. But guess what, it hasn't, it has only escalated. If you live in Pennsylvania, you may have heard of the third party candidate for Representative to Congress, John Murphy. This is an email he put on the LCPJ list serve. I will explain my disgust in part two of this blog. For now, please just read, and form your own opinions. And for those of you who truly know me, you may think that I agree with Murphy, that is until you read part two. So read on:


Friends,

I'll post a series of articles written by progressives, Greens, leftists and Libertarians which can form the basis for a critical, as opposed to a doctrinaire, examination of the Democratic Party's policies now and over the last 40 years. This can serve as a point of departure for a teach-in type forum to help the anti-war coalition stay focused on being anti-war instead of pro-Democrat. Hopefully we can schedule a forum at the next meeting of the LCPJ.

In Solidarity,

John

Here's the first article:

THE DEMOCRATS AND THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Head for the Exits, Now!
By ALEXANDER COCKBURN
Imagine a steer in the stockyards hollering to his fellows, "We need a phased withdrawal from the slaughterhouse, starting in four to six months. The timetable should not be overly rigid. But there should be no more equivocation." Back and forth among the steers the debate meanders on. Some say, "To withdraw now" would be to "display weakness". Others talk about a carrot and stick approach. Then the men come out with electric prods and shock them up the chute.
The way you end a slaughter is by no longer feeding it. Every general, either American or British, with the guts to speak honestly over the past couple of years has said the same thing: the foreign occupation of Iraq by American and British troops is feeding the violence.
Iraq is not on the "edge of civil war". It is in the midst of it. There is no Iraqi government. There are Sunni militias and Shia militias inflicting savagery on each other in the awful spiral of reprisal killings familiar from Northern Ireland and Lebanon in the 1970s. Iraq has become Chechnya, headed into that abyss from the day the US invaded in 2003. It's been a steep price to inflict on the Iraqi people for the pleasure of seeing Saddam Hussein die abruptly at the end of a rope.
If the US is scheduled for any role, beyond swift withdrawal, it certainly won't be as "honest broker", lecturing fractious sectarians on how to behave properly, like Teacher in some schoolhouse on the prairie. It was always been in the US interest to curb the possibility of the Shia controlling much of Iraq, including most of the oil. By one miscalculation after another, precisely that specter is fast becoming a reality. For months outgoing ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad tried to improve the Sunni position, and it is clear enough that in its covert operations the US has been in touch with the Sunni resistance.
If some Sunni substitute for Saddam stepped up to the plate the US would welcome him and propel him into power, but it is too late for such a course. As Henry Kissinger said earlier this week, the war is lost. This is the man who -- if we are to believe Bob Woodward's latest narrative -- has been advising Bush and Cheney that there could be no more Vietnams, that the war in Iraq could not be lost without humiliating consequences for America's status as the number # 1 bully on the block. When Kissinger says a war is lost, you can reckon that it is.
Democrats, put in charge of Congress next January by voters who turned against the war, are now split on what to do. The 80 or so members of the House who favor swift withdrawal got a swift rebuff when Steny Hoyer won the House Majority leader position at a canter from Jack Murtha, humiliating House majority whip Nancy Pelosi in the process. But there are still maneuvers to have Murtha capture a significant role in brokering the rapid exit strategy he stunned Washington by advocating a year ago.
Next came Senator Barack Obama of Illinois, who never opens his mouth without testing the wind with a supersensitive finger to test the tolerance levels of respectable opinion. In Chicago on Monday he said there are no good options left in Iraq, but that it "remains possible to salvage an acceptable outcome to this long and misguided war."
This time Obama plumped for the "four to six months" option for "phased redeployment", though the schedule should not be "overly rigid", to give--so the senator said -- commanders on the ground flexibility to protect the troops or adapt to changing political arrangements in the Iraqi government. Then there followed the familiar agenda for America as stern, disinterested broker: "economic pressure" should be applied to make Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds sit down and forge a lasting peace. "No more coddling, no more equivocation."It sounds great as a clip on the Evening News, provoking another freshet of talk about Obama as presidential candidate. Substantively it means absolutely nothing. What "economic pressure" is he talking about, what "coddling", in ruined, looted Iraq? It's all the language of fantasy.
The only time reality enters into Obama's and Democrats' foreign policy advisories is when the subject of Israel comes up. Then there's no lofty talk about "No more coddling", but the utterly predictable green light for Israel to do exactly what it wants--which is at present to reduce Gaza to sub-Chechnyian levels and murder families in Beit Hanoun: this is a Darfur America really could stop but instead is sponsoring and cheering on, to its eternal shame.
The Palestinians are effectively defenseless, even as the US Congress cheers Israel on. What political Washington cannot yet quite comprehend is that Iraq is not Palestine; cannot be lectured and given schedules. America is not controlling events in Iraq. If the Shia choose to cut supply lines from Kuwait up to the northern part of the country, the US forces would be in deep, deep trouble. When the Democrats take over Congress in January, they should vote to end funding for anything in Iraq except withdrawing US forces immediately. If they don't, there's nothing but downsides, including without doubt a Third Party peace candidacy that could well cost them the White House in 2008, or--who knows--the return of Al Gore as the peace candidate, now that Russ Feingold has quit the field. Perhaps that's what Obama was trying to head off.

I'm Terrified To Go To Bed

I don't know what I'm doing writing this. I should be in bed. But if I just keep writing in between IM's with a friend maybe I will somehow get up the courage to face going to bed.

That's right, I'm scared to go to bed. This isn't nightmares; I don't think I've ever had a nightmare besides the tripping I did after being pumped full of ketamine (yes, for all the drug-heads out there, I was in a k-hole. I think people that do it outside of a hospital where they do it to get rid of extremely painful pain is stupid. I think using most drugs is stupid. Although my jury is still out on the use of medical Maryjane). The problem is that I believe the RSD has gone into my lungs. It's either that, or one of the medications I am taking is causing me to have shortness of breath. It might be the Lyrica, which if it is it would really suck b/c the lyrica is the one thing that is actually helping.

God this is horrible. And the more I think about it the more scared I am. Think about this: I'm physically scared to go to bed. Not scared like you are kinda nervous going on to a roller coaster but you go on anyway, but the kind of fear that makes you run to your parents and ask them to take it all away.

God this sux. I just hope M. stays awake enough to talk to me until I'm at least a little bit tired. I don't know why I started writing this b/c really there's not much to say. This is about it: I'm terrified to go to bed. Bloody hell, someone help me.

Blessed be.

When I wrote my blog about my family, I at first thought that I was going to talk about the reasons all of my family bothered me. But then the story about N. got to be so long that I wanted to keep the complaining about other parts of my family to another blog. Now as I'm writing this I realize that I'm not going to write an entire blog about what all the members of my family do wrong, because that's not what this blog is about. This blog is supposed to be my own personal diary, where I write the daily things that are going on in my life. Sometimes the things in my life can be good things. I'm not about to turn this blog into a bitch fest. My life isn't all bad, there are some days that are really really good; the days where I love my family and friends and there's nothing to bitch about.

Today isn't one of those days. For most of the day, I thought it was going to be pretty empty of events. I thought I wasn't going to write in this blog. Then, as my dad was putting chicken stock into the stuffing we are having for Thanksgiving, I said:

"Do you have to do that?" (Writers note: I don't know if I have talked about being a vegetarian on here, but there you go, I'm a vegetarian, so that's why I asked my dad if he had to put the stock into the stuffing. I like stuffing, and really do believe you can make good food without meat in it. My dad doesn't always make a meal without meat in it, even though I put up a list of foods I eat that are vegetarian that are also healthy, because he doesn't think I eat healthy enough. So when he made rice that actually tasted really good, I was happy he had made a vegetarian dish). To which my dad replied:

"This is how I always do it, I also put chicken stock in the rice the other day"

I was pissed. "Why would you do something like that?" I said to him "It doesn't matter anyway," he said "you eat cheese and eggs."

Now, I may offend some vegans when I say this, but to me eating chicken and eating eggs are two entirely different thing. I don't like the idea of something living being slaughtered. Maybe if I actually went out in the woods and killed and actually worked for my own meal, I would eat it, but the way cows are horded into the killing machine (I don't know what it's called, so I'm calling it that) to me is wrong. An egg was never living.

I don't remember the exact words my dad said to this, if really anything important, but that's not the point. My mom pointed out that it might have been an honest mistake, that he completely forgot about my being a vegetarian. If that were true, and he just would have said something like "Oh A. I'm sorry I completely forgot" I would have said it was fine and just let it go. But that's not what he said. He basically told me that I need the nutrients anyway and that since I eat eggs it should be ok.

My mom also said that my dad gets so frustrated at things that he sometimes takes it out on me. But it doesn't seem like sometimes. This goes back to the fact that I'm the only sister at home; and the sister that's home gets to deal with all the bad moods from the shit that the other sisters do. It just seems like my dad is constantly taking his frustrations out on me. And my dad seems to get frustrated very easily.

And I understand why my family gets frustrated, especially right now with everything that is going on with N. But with my dad, it's different. When my mom gets frustrated, we just avoid the topic. Every now and then she'll bark out something, but other then that my mom generally keeps the frustrations inside, taking a glass of wine and watching law and order so she calms down. My mom in a bad mood today when I called her but she STILL was able to take the news that my dad and I were fighting again with grace, thinking about it while she was on her way home after I hung up the phone and realizing that I was right.

Why can't my dad do that? And why does he constantly do whatever he wants to do without any regard to other people! He does that sooo often, but he actually does that to my mom more then me.

The thing about my dad and I is that we have almost the same personality. We both can stare off into space and not listen to any body else that's talking, and we both sometimes do what we want to do before anyone else. My mom says that happens in a lot of families, that the parent and child who have the same kind of personalities fight the most. She says this is why her and N. fight so often. If there are other people who read this and agree with what my mom is saying, please either put a comment in here or if you know me email or IM me. If neither of these things are an option, then I'll find out if it's true from other people.

Hopefully the next time I write on here I will have good news. But until we meet again, I hope everyone has a good night, and a Happy Thanksgiving!

"I just want to know why"

My mom always tells people that the first time I tried going to college, I had a nervous breakdown. But that's not the truth. The truth of the matter is that I tried to kill myself in the middle of the college grounds. After I went home, my parents told me that I would have to go to a mental institution near where I live. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life. The reason I got through it was not the doctors or the medication or the sessions I had to go through. Far from it, those god awful sessions did nothing for me. What got me through that week were the people that were there with me. One guy, and I don't remember his name, had tried to commit suicide in front of the woman who was supposed to be his bride. He did it because the bride left him for the photographer. I thought then and I still think that is one of the most horrible things you can ever do to a person. One day when we went to session he told us that his ex-fiance' told him that she and the photographer would pay for the bills he was sure to endure when he came home. Talk about adding insult to injury. At one point I said to him "do you need a hug" and he said "I just want to know why".

Why. We ask this so many times in our lives that to try to count the number would take even the greatest math professor a life time to figure out. We ask our parents why they tell us to do things. We ask god why, we ask our friends why. We even ask complete strangers why.

I lost my job today, and I feel I don't need to ask why. I feel like it is all my fault, and there's nothing more that needs to be said. But my parents and everyone else that I have talked to said that it's the fault of the people who gave me the job. You see I had training for two and a half days (Thursday, Friday, and part of a class today) before they told us that we would be taking a test that would determine if we could stay in the training program. Everyone keeps telling me that it's the fault of the company. I don't know. Seems to me they wouldn't give the test if they thought everyone would fail it. I guess I'll never know. I might be able to call the trainer tomorrow. I could even sit in on a class, I mean I have the phone number. Nah, that wouldn't be worth it. Everyone would just tell me how wonderful it was to be in class with me and that they hoped to see me around. What a crock of shit. The training was in a phone conference, so any chance I might have to "see them around" would be lost anyway as I have no idea what any of these people look like. And when it comes to how wonderful it was to have class with me I barely said three words, and when I did it was to ask a question. We didn't know each other anymore then you know the person who gives you a courtesy call. Like I said, it's a crock of shit.

I just want to know why, you just want to know why on some other things. We are all just standing around wondering why. Maybe someday someone will give us the answer. And then again maybe someone will tell us what I truly believe: it doesn't matter why; it just is. The goddess is just there to help us along in our quest to understand ourselves as we work towards a better tomorrow, if not for other people then at least for ourselves.

I say stop wondering why, and wonder why not.

"I love my family, I love my family, I love my family..." somehow if I don't keep thinking this over and over again I wonder if I will go off the deep end. At 23, you'd think that by now I'd know how to tell my parents to go to hell. Lots of my friends have told me to do that; just tell my parents where they can go and leave.

But it's not that easy. I don't have a cent to my name, I'm disabled, and frankly I'm the type of person who just doesn't do that. I know I love my family. I do. I'm just over tired and lonely and god knows what else. I'm worried about my job and worried about my sisters...

I guess I don't really talk about my sisters on here because if I don't look at it I can almost forget it's happening. I really should talk about it though. I talk about everything else that's in my face, so why not this? Maybe I should start at the beginning.

My mom and my sister have always had a volatile relationship. Every morning when my sister was in Junior High they would get in a fight. My sister would swear that the pony tail she had put in had a bump in it (trust me when I say there never was), and when no one would agree with her would rip (and that's in italics because she didn't just rip it out she ripped it out) the hair thing out of her hair and attempt to do it all over again. This would go on for five or six hair do's till my sister finally left with her pony-tail looking exactly like it did the first time. Trust me when I say this is not a way to wake up every morning.

Then there was high school. My mom and my sister (N.) would constantly fight. It almost seemed like the fight never ended, it was just put on pause while N. was at school or asleep. Almost every time N. would want to go out there was a fight. My only reprieve from this was school, because my bed room and her's are connected by a wall. Then there was the day the noise stopped, and all there was was crying.

N. was supposed to work for my parents, who at that time ran their own catering business. About 7pm or so that night I got a phone call that my sister was coming home, she had freaked out in the bathroom. When she came home, she had what I call the look on her face. I can't describe it, and I don't' know if I want to. It's just an awful combination of sadness and utter hatred for everyone around her. That night when I went to bed I didn't hear N. and my mom fighting. All I heard was N. on the phone telling the person on the other end to "take me away...please please take me away...".

At school the next day I tried to ignore the stomach ache from worry and sadness that was plaguing me. When I got home and my sister wasn't there, I asked my mom where she was she said the phrase that I have come to hate. "Honey N.'s gone" she said.

Gone? What do you mean gone. My voice became shrill. "She went to her boy friends house and she says she doesn't want to come home" My mom said. My dad and my uncle went to go get her. They brought her home, the same look plastered on her face.

As it turned out my sister had tried every drug there is out there. The only thing she hadn't done, and maybe it saved her life I don't know, was needles. N. had always been afraid of needles, whether someone else putting them in her or putting them in herself. I would later find out that her "drug of choice" is cocaine.

N. would end up spending about a week (I'm not exactly sure how long she stayed, it's not a detail I hold on to. Frankly I'd like to forget the whole thing. Wouldn't you?) in the hospitals psychiatric ward. I remember when I went to see her and gave her a present, like she was in to get her tonsils out, I don't know. Maybe back then I was just plain gullible to actually believe that she would get better and stay off the stuff. There are still times when I'm just as gullible. Sigh...I wish I didn't have to be.

For a few years at least, things seemed to be better. N. graduated from high school and was working for my parents. I was so thankful. Maybe that's why I didn't notice when it started happening again. It's almost like N. crying in the bed room was somehow better, like at least then I was able to protect myself. So when I was supposed to go away to Europe with American Music Abroad (look it up if you never heard of it) the summer I was 16 I didn't think I had anything to worry about at home. Still, there were clues.

The night before I was set to go and practice with the group (like I said, if you've never heard of it, search for it!) I got in a fight with my dad. Like she has many times before my mom got in the middle of it. I wouldn't have noticed anything different had my mother not said something like "why are you yelling at her??? she's the only one who seems to care about us around here". And when we were supposed to give our farewell concert (look it up!) and my sister had that same look on my face, I should have put two and two together. It's just that look feels and looks kinda different when N. smiles. Even if the smile is fake.

I didn't think much about it until we got to our fifth country (grrr....for the last time, I said look it up!), and a horrible feeling creeped over me. Right in the middle of a concert I looked up at the sky and knew, something was wrong at home. The friends I had made on the trip kept telling me not to worry about it, that everything was fine, but I told them that they would see, something was wrong. It's not that I wanted something to be wrong, I just knew it was.

My parents tried to put on happy faces when they picked me up, yet I could feel the vibe. On the way home I kept expecting them to turn down the radio and say "we've got to talk" or something. I kept probing them for answers, but they kept insisting that everything was fine. That was until I got home and showed them their anniversary present (I was away on their anniversary). "You're the only one who got us anything" my mom said with tears in her eyes. "What about S.?" I asked, the nervous feeling settling deep in my stomach. "Nope." My mom said. "Well what about N.?" My mom's face turned a gray and I'm sure so did mine, and she said "honey N.'s gone" "What? "Why!" I said, tears streaming down my face. "We found out your sister is doing drugs" my mom said. "And I told her she had to choose between the drugs and her family, that I would help her get better, but she had to throw away the drugs. She choose the drugs." I shouldn't have been mad at my mom, but I was "But she could die out there!" I screamed. I was so angry at her. I would later learn what an awful decision that was for my mom, and I later understood why she did it. But at that point I was pissed. N. ended up getting help from my grandmother on my mom's side, something that made my mom extremely angry, as she felt very much left all by her self with the decision. Like I said, I later understood that anger.

I'm not going to go over every time this has happened, but I will talk about the most recent. About a month ago my sister swallowed a whole bunch of pills. She had been taking drugs again, and claimed that she really did want to die. I'm not sure I believe her. She again stayed in a mental institution, but since leaving has refused to get counseling. Councilors have told her she should to AA meetings, but she won't go, and insists she is not an alcoholic. I used to agree with her. Now I'm not so sure.

For about a week things seemed to be on their first step to be getting better. N. had found a job, and claimed that she liked it. Today I found out she quit that job. She claims the people there were too happy. And this is where I get angry. Every job she has ever had she has left, claiming it was someone else's fault. The people were too happy, too sad, too mean, whatever...she always leaves. The only thing she seems to love to hold on to are boy friends that aren't good for her. I know I told you about that, so I won't go into it.

While N. was working at her new job I told my dad that I wanted to do Thanksgiving. When he told me he wanted to skip it, that he felt there was nothing to be thankful for. I love the holidays and begged my mom to do it anyway. Now, even though I love the holidays just as much, I can't say I don't agree with him.

I was going to talk about the rest of my family, but I had to fill in all this information first. So now you know one of the reasons I'm always depressed, especially lately. Hope I didn't depress you to much in the process of getting my feelings out, though talking about them always seems to help a little bit. Thanks again for listening, even if the only thing that is listening is the computer. I'll talk to everyone soon. Till then, Blessed be.

I've Been Working on the...

Telephone? It sounds dumb, when people work on the railroad they are actually building the machine, their work is the railroad itself, so if your working on the telephone, you must be someone who actually builds the phone. That's until you get into the world of phone conferencing...

No, I don't work for the phone company or actually build phones, but when I say I'm "going to work" all I'm really doing is picking up the phone and dialing a number. I could be stark naked and still get my work done, all I have to do is show up. You'd think it would be easy wouldn't you? But then you add in the work that the actual job entails...

As it turns out, I will be taking phone calls from people who need IRS tax forms. No, this does not mean I will know how to do your taxes. All that it really means is I know how to find what form you need to fill out. The rest is up to you. Again, it might sound easy, but if you go into my actual work place (the internet), and look up all the different types of forms I could be handing out, and think of how many different kinds of people, companies, and families there are in this country, and you got a big job.

Sigh...and I thought the training was going to be fun. I thought it would be filled with people who knew the internet by the back of their hands, and could fly through training. Well that's not the story in the least. These are the stupidest people I have ever met when it comes to computers. We spent half an hour trying to do one thing! Then because we were FORTY FIVE MINUTES behind schedule, we had to do homework.

So I am exhausted. I hate feeling like this, like you could just fall into bed at any given moment. It's nuts. I thought I was going to say more, but it looks like that's all I gotta say! Alright? Alright. I'll talk to everyone later!

Blessed be!

Haning Out With P, J, And J

I have so much to talk about I don't even know if I'm going to finish it all tonight. You thought my blogs were long before? Ha! Just you wait. I don't write long blogs on purpose, but a lot has happened in the past two days. That's what I get for not writing in my blog yesterday or the day before, though Wednesday's blog would have been really long anyway, which attests to how long this blog will be today...

You might remember that I was going to see J. again on Wednesday. I also saw my friend P. She picked me up from hood and the three of us went to Denny's for P.'s "pre-birthday brunch". I knew it was going to be weird putting P. and J (ha! I just need a B. and it would be P. B. and J! LOL), but I didn't know how funny they would be together. I honestly thought (and P., don't hate me for thinking this, but since you know the whole story with J., I wasn't sure how you were going to react) P. wasn't going to talk to him at all. That, or she would be completely uncomfortable by the whole situation and keep looking from J. to me, wondering what kind of sick people would do what we do. But she seemed to genuinely have a good time! Half way through brunch I finally relaxed, and let the three of us be our usual cooky selves. Trust me when I say that hanging out with the three of them was truly an adventure, from getting lost on the way to pick J. up to talking religion to...oh I can't even remember what we talked about but trust me, a good time was had by all.

Speaking of a good time being had by all, after brunch P. took us to J.'s friend J.'s house. Now this is going to be confusing....well, you know who's who by what happened. Talk about being nervous. J. had told me that since J. has Cerebral Palsy, she hates talking about pain and illness of any kind, so not to bring up RSD at all. Well things couldn't be further from the truth. J. is a very sweet girl, who wants nothing more then to be loved and have people understand her. Actually, she sounds a lot like me. Still, going there I was really nervous. I was even more nervous when I saw how dirty her house is. I knew that the dirt had to be caused by the fact that J. can do nothing to help it, and her husband works long hours half the day and sleeps the other half. It can not be easy to be her.

So when things actually started to relax, I couldn't help but be surprised. I hope that didn't register on my face, because I was trying to ignore my feelings as much as possible. Well that really didn't happen at all and instead of trying to ignore the obvious sexual tension in the room, we simply went for it, the three of us kissing, licking, and generally feeling various areas of the human body. J. (girl J.) and I didn't do anything bellow the belt, but J. and I, knowing each other much more then I knew J. (J. and J. know each other then I know either of them), asked J. (wow, this is confusing!) if we could use her shower. J., feeling much more relaxed then when I came in, allowed us the pleasure. And boy, it was a pleasure. For the first time in my life, I was actually able to get J. off; something I have been trying to do for a long time. I must say that it used to be that I thought the site of a man getting off was a very ugly thing. This is even after I had sex for the first time. But getting J. off was completely different. He looked beautiful, like there was nothing in the world that could touch him. We both got wet, wanting to know if it was true what they say, that everyone looks better wet. Trust me when I say it's completely true. Still, all good things must come to an end, and I must confess that my stupid brain showed up at the most inopportune time.

I don't know if I will ever believe I deserve to be loved. I allow my parents to love me because they are my parents, they are supposed to do that and their love is something I don't' have to earn. Everyone keeps telling me that I don't have to earn anyone else's love either, but that doesn't stop my brain from thinking it. The other thing that my brain likes to think is that if a friend has another friend I am automatically somehow lower then the friend. This doesn't mean that I don't want my friends to have friends. Far from it. I want my friends to be as happy as they can be, and find it in whoever or whatever they want. I just have a hard time believing that anyone would want to hang out with me, or make concrete plans with me, which would mean that if another friend would want to hang out with them they would have to say another time. I will never cut into time a friend of mine is having with another friend, but because I believe I don't deserve friends, it seems logical that any friend of my friend could cut into our time at any well...time (talk about confusing!). My stupid mind also thinks that if a friend does some of the exact same thing with me as with another friend, that somehow the time they are doing that thing with me is somehow less enjoyable then it was with their friend.

Take anything sexual for instance. If I am sexual with a friend and they are also sexual with another friend, be it their wife or any other purpose, somehow it seems that having any kind of sex with me isn't enjoyable. In my heart of hearts I know this isn't true, I mean look at how J. reacted to my getting him off! Still, my stupid mind rages on...

Which is why I kept asking J. "do you do this with other friends"? Later he asked if that was because maybe if he didn't do that with me, I would leave. HA! Not even close. If we didn't do that together, if we never touched each other again, I would still love him just as much as I do now. The shere fact that HE wouldn't leave if we never touched each other again makes it an even more wonderful feeling. The fact that he simply enjoys my company and could just talk my ear off makes me experience such a wonderful feeling that sometimes it feels better then sex. HE LIKES ME FOR ME! YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEY! I hope some day he reads this, and gets some comfort from it. He can even print it out and hang it in his room (wait a minute, scratch that, I wouldn't want his wife to read it. Maybe if he kept it in his wallet?) as an affirmation that it's true, so that he'll know I'll be their for ever and ever!

Which is his fear. He believes that if I find another person who I have sex with and love as deeply as I do him, I will forget all about it. I explained it to him like this: Sometimes when I get a boy friend or girl friend (well, that hasn't happened yet, but maybe!) I get so excited at the idea of having someone that is only mine, I forget everything else in life. When I was in school I couldn't pay attention and my grades would go down, and at home I would find myself tripping over things on the floor. Does this mean that the school wasn't something I dearly needed and loved or that I would never pay attention to where I step again? NO! I told him that if this ever happened, all he would have to do is pick up the phone and say"hey? remember me? I'm your best friend? you haven't been calling me and it's scaring me" and I would begin to remember that there are other things that are just as important as that new love. J. would actually, in addition to hearing the sound of my voice again, be improving my life! My grades would go back up, and I would kick the stuffed animal I kept falling over out of the way!

My point is this: I will never, ever stop loving J. or anyone of my other friends. Sometimes the style of the relationship will change. The fact that J. is now living in California means it has to change, means that we must keep in contact by the phone or email or we will loose each other. Now there's a scary thought.

I think I will end their and talk about my job after the second day! YEY! I HAVE A JOB! I want to write about the first day of training at my 43things site!