"I just want to know why"

My mom always tells people that the first time I tried going to college, I had a nervous breakdown. But that's not the truth. The truth of the matter is that I tried to kill myself in the middle of the college grounds. After I went home, my parents told me that I would have to go to a mental institution near where I live. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life. The reason I got through it was not the doctors or the medication or the sessions I had to go through. Far from it, those god awful sessions did nothing for me. What got me through that week were the people that were there with me. One guy, and I don't remember his name, had tried to commit suicide in front of the woman who was supposed to be his bride. He did it because the bride left him for the photographer. I thought then and I still think that is one of the most horrible things you can ever do to a person. One day when we went to session he told us that his ex-fiance' told him that she and the photographer would pay for the bills he was sure to endure when he came home. Talk about adding insult to injury. At one point I said to him "do you need a hug" and he said "I just want to know why".

Why. We ask this so many times in our lives that to try to count the number would take even the greatest math professor a life time to figure out. We ask our parents why they tell us to do things. We ask god why, we ask our friends why. We even ask complete strangers why.

I lost my job today, and I feel I don't need to ask why. I feel like it is all my fault, and there's nothing more that needs to be said. But my parents and everyone else that I have talked to said that it's the fault of the people who gave me the job. You see I had training for two and a half days (Thursday, Friday, and part of a class today) before they told us that we would be taking a test that would determine if we could stay in the training program. Everyone keeps telling me that it's the fault of the company. I don't know. Seems to me they wouldn't give the test if they thought everyone would fail it. I guess I'll never know. I might be able to call the trainer tomorrow. I could even sit in on a class, I mean I have the phone number. Nah, that wouldn't be worth it. Everyone would just tell me how wonderful it was to be in class with me and that they hoped to see me around. What a crock of shit. The training was in a phone conference, so any chance I might have to "see them around" would be lost anyway as I have no idea what any of these people look like. And when it comes to how wonderful it was to have class with me I barely said three words, and when I did it was to ask a question. We didn't know each other anymore then you know the person who gives you a courtesy call. Like I said, it's a crock of shit.

I just want to know why, you just want to know why on some other things. We are all just standing around wondering why. Maybe someday someone will give us the answer. And then again maybe someone will tell us what I truly believe: it doesn't matter why; it just is. The goddess is just there to help us along in our quest to understand ourselves as we work towards a better tomorrow, if not for other people then at least for ourselves.

I say stop wondering why, and wonder why not.