Fun On The Computer

"It's a nice drive down here" My grand father says to me, I guess trying to start a conversation. I always hate it when people say that. It's a nice drive means there's nothing left to talk about so I'll try to talk about the leaves on trees. It's kinda like saying the weather is nice on a date, it gets a bored "yea" and the conversation ends. "Yea it is," I tell him. I don't like to rag on my grandfather. It's really really great that he is bringing me down to Hood, my almumater. Now that feels weird. Saying you have an almamater is like a father trying to convince his son to go to the same school as him, when really, all the son wants to do is go to fashion school and parade his big gay self all over the cat walk...

Sigh...I'm sorry...I'm really really bored and I have a lot to talk about but frankly I need to take up some time while my little sib (it's like a mentor ship program for new students, every Junior at Hood gets one) is at gym. I was going to use my instant messenger, but I don't remember my password. Like an idiot, I always for get those type of things. The save password always looks so tempting doesn't it? Well not anymore bub, not me, I'm at least going to write my password down in a notebook before I push that button again. I have one now, but I hadn't thought of that brilliant plan until after I had my screen name for AIM all picked out. Speaking of screen names, I should tell all of you about last night...

I don't know if I've ever talked about being bi on here before. I know I've talked about it on 43things (by the way, everyone should check out that web site. It is fabulous). Anyway, I'm bi, so deal with it! LOL ANYWAY Last night I was online and a girl who used to go to Hood with me and was in Fighting "4" Us' first college club came online. At first the conversation was innocent enough. That was until we started talking about looks. One of us mentioned to the other that they thought the other was cute, probably the me, but we won't get into why that is will we! Anyway, when I first asked M. what she thought of my looks, she said she loves my fighter's spirit (I have a fighter's spirit? Go figure...) and really like my boobs. Well, besides the fact that I've never in my life been told that by a girl, something ran through my mind. "But what do you think of my face?" I asked. This is a constant worry of mine. Memories of people calling me Butherface want to keep anyone who thinks my face has any bad features away from me (Why does know one know what a Butherface is?? Sigh...it's right there in the spelling...but her face. Means exactly what it sounds like, bodies good, but her face isn't. Get it? good.). So when she told me that she has a hard time telling me if I have a beautiful face because the obvious look of pain in my eyes and my sucked in face always worried her, it didn't feel too good. I told her it was fine, only later telling her that it wasn't fine, that I it really scares me that she thinks of me like that. I don't want anyone to pitty me. I just want people to be friends with me. So I messed up big time and basically accused her of a pity fuck (You'll understand later what I mean) when that is so not what I meant to say. I meant to say that to me, pain equals ugly. Maybe it doesn't for other people, but for me pain is an ugly ugly thing. We talked about this for awhile, and then she said that she didn't want to pursue a physical relationship because she was afraid she would hurt me. Then I told her the one secret that has kept me having boy friends, and when I don't have a boy friend, it has kept my sexual frustrations at bay: when I'm horny, somehow the pain of RSD goes away. I don't know what it is or why it happens, maybe it has something to do with the nerves working faster or something, but stroke me a little bit where it counts, and all the pain goes bye bye. Trust me when I say that this is a very good thing. Well when I told her that, and all cards were on the table, things got heated, and I don't mean in a bad way...

Yes, we had a full-fledged-2.5 hour-cyber sex party. At first it was just the two of us, (online) kissing, touching, and generally enjoying each other company. But then M. says "my lover T. is jealous of us, he wants to join". My mouth hit the floor. But after I carefully put it back into place, I said this:

"she (me) smiles and puts her head on M.'s belly. Already in a daze, and knowing there was nothing bad about what she was doing, she didn't see the problem in adding one more person, so she put her hand out and beckoned to T. with her crooked finger."

T. came in, all shy and things, but trust me, he wasn't shy for long. I hate to brag, but I think I was the person who knew how to describe things the best. I mean look at what I wrote on the last entry? By the end of the night, the three of us shared an orgy that felt so real all three of us came. Well, I'm pretty sure T. came, M. and I got pretty damned close. I know you are wondering why we didn't go all the way, but I was in the office of my parents house and she was in the common room of her college! We didn't get a chance to actually touch ourselves! Well that's not true, I touched my breasts a few times but I didn't have the guts to go all the way right there. That, and my parents and sisters sometimes use that computer.

You're probably wondering where in that whole thing I accused M. of pity sex. Not that I want to relive that whole thing again, but I guess I should put it on here for prosperity's sake. At one point I was (in computer land) sitting with my legs straddling M., and I decided to take my bra off. Out of no where came this sudden awful thought: "Oh my god," I thought, "What all she sees in me is a body???" Though honestly at that point I don't know if I thinking those exact words, but suddenly I got scared. So I IMed the following "she unclips her bra, but suddenly feels self conscious and covers her boobs up with her arms." Well at one point I had told M. that I think she's beautiful, and, when I took off my bra she said "Gorgeous.". Well in my stupid mind, that was it, I was thinking that all she wanted was my body. So I told her so. She got understandably mad until we talked things out and she told me that to her pain isn't ugly, it's just pain. At that point I began to relaxed, but it was then that she basically told me that my never ending determination to live life no matter how much pain I come into is attractive. That what she liked about me was my fighting spirit. I also wondered what would happen if I really was there, until she said; "if you were here I'd be holding you in my arms right now". Of course my stupid mind didn't believe her, so I said "really?" and she something like (please remember that these conversations are taken the best that I can remember them, and that is why even in the conversations I am telling you, they seem to be edited. Believe me, if I could remember exactly what she said at that point, I wouldn't hide it); "yes, I always hold my lovers when they are in pain". So of course I was ok after that, and we continued on, eventually inviting T. in and having our orgy.

And then at the end of the orgy, even after T. left, we (remember, this is all in cyber land [at least for now!]) held each other and talked. And when I needed to leave, she told me that she wanted me to stay so that we could talk and play around in her arms and then she could "fall asleep with you in my arms". Wow. Did I feel great after that! Sigh...but alas, she is in Chicago. Although T. swears he is going to get us together one day so we can do it for real. Yey!

But I must go, I'm haning out at my little sib's dorm finally, after that long car ride. I'm going to be hanging out with a lot of friends (well three) in the next few days. I'll also be hanging with J. He knows how sexually frustrated I am, and he hasn't seen me since April, so he's just as frustrated. I'll tell you about it when I can! Till then, blessed be!