To Accept or Not Accept

So I didn't do what I thought I was going to, which was write in here about the conference the moment it ended. Truth be told I was entirely too tired to write in here. They had us up at 7am! When I run my first RSD conference I'm going to make sure my first session starts at 9am at the earliest. RSDers don't get much sleep, and most barely have started to fall asleep at 7, let alone get up at that time. Still, the conference said a lot of things that I should listen to, and it's kind of what is making me cranky right now.

Keith, who is the head of RSDhope.com, gave a speech about accepting your disease. This doesn't mean you let it rule your life, far from it. His idea was that we should learn to do the things we want to do, and have the confidence on the days when the things we do cause too much pain to be able to lay down.

When he first began his speech my mouth hit the floor. Accept my disease? How could I do that? Wouldn't that mean giving up on ever finding a cure? But that's just the thing. RSD is a very complex disease and many parts of it that I am feeling might still be there when the RSD is gone. I'd still have a low self esteem, and I'd probably still be depressed. The thing that I need to learn is to work with my disease to get done the things that I feel I need to do. Many, many RSDers do this while at the same time going to their doctors when they need to and asking if there is any new treatments. My mom's friend B. is an example of this type of person. She babysits her grandchildren, works at jobs, and when the pain gets really bad she sits down and allows it to be bad.

The other thing he said is about turning up and down the level of acceptance depending on where you are. For example, when I am at a party with people from the LCPJ and I hurt a small amount, the acceptance level should be high. And when I get home and want to bitch, I need to turn the acceptance level back down.

I want to paint a picture of my RSD, yet I have no idea in my head what it would look like. Maybe what I need to draw is myself, and surround myself with a red light or something. I can say to that person: "You don't need to keep reaching for something that isn't going to be there. You have a life right now that is good and wonderful. You are a beautiful person who deserves everything in the world, and we can do that because of the RSD, not inspite of it."

Wow....see what happens when I don't think about what I'm typing? Somehow during those moments I realize that I am beautiful and good and all those things. I think I just need to keep saying that to myself. Not wait till I am completely relaxed or focusing on something else. I am beautiful I am beautiful...

This is such a hard lesson...one that everyone should have learned from the beginning of their life but for some reason one that we loose in the midst of trying to make ourselves fit the worlds cookie-cutter image and trying to fight a disease because that's what everyone tells us to do. I hope I can learn otherwise, or else I'm going to have a big problem.

Keep saying it Andrea...I am beautiful...I am beautiful....

Till next time...

Blessed be