The other day I had this really cool interior design idea and no one to talk to about it. My friend "E" was online but he hates interior design with a passion and hates talking about it even more, so I really didn't have any one to talk to. So he says "why don't you write it down in a diary or something". Then I remember my poor neglected blog and all those people (cough) who read it. And then I just looked at the actual blog and noticed that it's been a month and twenty-seven days since I've written in it. Sorry. But then again the only people who read my blog are the people who I love and therefore know what's going on with me. Then again they don't always know how I feel about those things or why they happen and stuff like that, so I might as well write in it. Then again I'd rather just write in it when I feel like it so that's what I'll do so there!
I will get to my design idea but first I should probably fill "everyone" in on what's happening with all the issues I talked about in the last entry (just because I'm a nice person like that). First, I got the house! I'm not completely moved in but five out of six rooms have been painted and worked on, the grass is mowed, and there's also brand new furniture to brag about in place. I used to think that I was being naive' when I said it would be awesome to live in my house. But you know what I WAS WRONG! I love living here and I never want to stop. And my parents have been the most awesome part about it. Especially my dad. He has touched nearly every wall, floor, and everything in between in this house. There's literally only one room left that he hasn't done something to. That's not true. We haven't done anything to the bathroom b/c we just (well I, I'm not letting my parents pay for everything AND do everything physical) can't afford something like that. He sanded the and repainted floor, put plaster back on the part of the wall we took out to make the place look bigger, painted every wall, helped paint cabinets, I mean you name it he's done it and all while claiming that "all (he) did was paint a few walls". I would agree with him if I had helped him more then I have (gee, I put some paint treatment on two cabinets and made some curtains. woo. hoo.) I have to admit that every now and then I get homesick, but my parents literally live four minutes away (my mom timed it) and my mom will answer her phone any time of the day or night. I now have my own tree, my own breakfast bar....it's wonderful. I also bought a shiny new white leather couch AND a beautiful glass-topped dinning room table (now if we can just get that room painted...) with my own money. My grandfather and uncle teamed up to buy me a bed with mattress and bedspread with a sleigh headboard (I love sleigh headboards). I swear if it gets any better then this someone has to show me, because someone may be able to buy their own house, but they don't get to have someone else do the work on it AND buy you furniture for free unless you're on HGTV or something.
When it comes to my heart, it's now working fine. Actually, because I got a new Mytral valve, it's working better then fine, it's actually ticking so loud people across a table can hear it. Yes, I finally decided to go with the surgery because the last doctor I saw when talk it admitted that eventually, even if you do the catheter a hundred times "everyone still gets the surgery". I was like "then why am I putting myself through this??? And boy, am I glad I made this decision. According to the surgeon, not only would the catheter not have worked, but it would have caused a stroke as well. Now there's a scary thought for you.
The last time I heard someone mention my sister (N) told my Uncle that she was 16 days clean. My uncle claims we need to be a lot more supportive of her which makes me so mad I could spit (I heard that quote on Top Chef once and I thought it was very graphic so I used it here). My parents and sister (not really me because I don't see her much) have bended over backwards try to help her stay clean. Supposedly we're supposed to congratulate her with this big party or something because she was clean for 16 days. Big F*cking deal. That's what I say to that. Besides the fact she has told us she was clean over and over again when she wasn't. I won't believe she's doing anything about it until she sees a shrink (which she refuses to do), stops drinking (which she refuses to do) and goes to NA meetings (which she refuses to do). I'm saying no one is an island and no person can quit cocaine after seven years by themselves. And if she is telling the truth, I want a pee test. And that's all I have to say about that.
My other sister (S) has moved to Philadelphia (I'm not afraid to say that she's in Philly, what are you going to do, look for someone with the first name "S" who happens to have a sister named Andrea who you know only lives in Lancaster...then again...maybe I don't live their any more since I got a new house...then again, I am only four minutes away from my parents, but what ever) and seems to love it. She, like me, gets homesick but like me she wouldn't trade her experience for the world and I say good for her. She has a boy friend who loves her (and I'm so very jealous of that) and she's living in a place and doing what she loves, so I'm very happy for her.
Now for my design idea: You gotta understand that this room in its current state is like every other room was in this house UGLY. It as very small windows, bad sixties-inspired tile, two very tiny windows, and green walls. So here's what I plan to do while I don't have the money I wish I had (I'll tell you what I'd do if I had the money in a second) I'm putting bead board on the bottom half of the walls, and then painting them a light gray color. I'm then putting a ceiling to floor curtain on the wall with the windows, and I'm hoping the curtain has gray and gold in it, though the picture in my head is of a horizontal stripped gray and gold fabric, but I'll adjust as I need to. The accent color is red, which I will use in possibly the rug and definitely the table-wear. If someone steals this idea that's alright because I've got plenty more where that came from :).
Well that's my life for now. I might come back tomorrow, or it could take me two months to write again, or maybe I won't write in here ever again. You'll just have to wait and see where the wind takes me. Till next time America.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
The things I Think About
I'm not sure why I'm writing this or even what I will write about. Just for some reason today my mind is so full of crap to that I deal with, crap that my parents and sisters deal with, crap that my friends deal with, crap that the world deals with and just crap in general that it makes me very tired. I hurt a lot today and I'm not sure why. Lately my pain has been coming back more and more and that scares me. Life in general scares me right now. I realize my age and what it means.
I guess the idea of having to handle things on my own has always scared me. Yes I'm an independent person but at the same time the idea of dealing with my RSD and the rest of my life by myself is such a frightening idea that I try not to think about it too much. I mean what would I have done if my parents weren't around when I found out about N's drug use? Even the smallest things could be harder with out my parents. Especially my mom. Even though she hates the fact that my dad and I fight a lot she still notices cases when it is my dad doing the antagonizing. My dad has this way of not listening to what people say and then he wonders why we get angry at him. For example. I don't know if I told this on here but I'm getting a house; all the details are not set into place yet so there is still the slightest chance that I might not get it. So of course I worry everyday about the chances of this wonderful house not being mine. Yesterday I went outside with my parents and said "did C (our realtor and also a friend of my mom's) call? and my mom says "no honey if she calls you'll be the first one to know. So we changed the subject for a while and then I said (just b/c i wanted to, not b/c i thought my parents were lying) "I worry about not getting the house." My mom started to say "honey you'll get it, it's just a matter of time." when my dad cut in and says "oh by the way C called". I wouldn't have been as angry if he hadn't been sitting right there when I asked if she called. It is also hard because he does this all the time. This house is extremely important to me (my dad and I also had a fight once about who wants this more, me or him. I don't think you can really know but he said "i want this more then you do! and i said "no you don't!" and he says "don't tell me how i feel!" so of course i said "WELL DON'T TELL ME HOW I FEEL!" so obviously when he does things like this it feels like he doesn't care at all.).
Then there's the problem with my heart. After all the tests it basically comes down to me and my decision. On the one hand I could get the catheter and I wouldn't have to have open heart surgery; but there is a chance that won't work, and my belief is that I'd rather go through surgery once and get it over with then keep putting my body through trauma (especially since any trauma might make the pain worse) over and over.
Then there's my sister. She's trying to stay clean but every time we think she is she uses again. I've gotten to the point where I will always believe she's using. She says that even when she sleeps so she doesn't have to think about it she dreams about it. On the one hand I want to pity her but on the other hand I feel she's done this to herself. Yes she had all kinds of emotional problems at a very young age but so have lots of other people (like J, he has more emotional problems then all the people in PA combined and he has never done drugs!) who have emotional problems and have never used. It's just frustrating.
Then on top of everything else I think about the world's problems. I think about the fact that we should have never been in Iraq. I think about the fact that I truly believe George Bush wants to put us at war with Iran. He's truly the scariest man in the world. I don't care who you mention, but most scary people know they are scary. Murderers know they're murderers, rapists know they're rapists. But the scariest people are those who believe they are doing the world a service, and that is what George Bush believes.
I think about far too many things. It seems that a lot of people with RSD worry about the world and worry about making those around them happy. I don't know how those who have had this for 20, 30, or even 40 years do it. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I'm going to go for now, but I just needed to get all of this out there. Till next time America.
Artistinme82
I guess the idea of having to handle things on my own has always scared me. Yes I'm an independent person but at the same time the idea of dealing with my RSD and the rest of my life by myself is such a frightening idea that I try not to think about it too much. I mean what would I have done if my parents weren't around when I found out about N's drug use? Even the smallest things could be harder with out my parents. Especially my mom. Even though she hates the fact that my dad and I fight a lot she still notices cases when it is my dad doing the antagonizing. My dad has this way of not listening to what people say and then he wonders why we get angry at him. For example. I don't know if I told this on here but I'm getting a house; all the details are not set into place yet so there is still the slightest chance that I might not get it. So of course I worry everyday about the chances of this wonderful house not being mine. Yesterday I went outside with my parents and said "did C (our realtor and also a friend of my mom's) call? and my mom says "no honey if she calls you'll be the first one to know. So we changed the subject for a while and then I said (just b/c i wanted to, not b/c i thought my parents were lying) "I worry about not getting the house." My mom started to say "honey you'll get it, it's just a matter of time." when my dad cut in and says "oh by the way C called". I wouldn't have been as angry if he hadn't been sitting right there when I asked if she called. It is also hard because he does this all the time. This house is extremely important to me (my dad and I also had a fight once about who wants this more, me or him. I don't think you can really know but he said "i want this more then you do! and i said "no you don't!" and he says "don't tell me how i feel!" so of course i said "WELL DON'T TELL ME HOW I FEEL!" so obviously when he does things like this it feels like he doesn't care at all.).
Then there's the problem with my heart. After all the tests it basically comes down to me and my decision. On the one hand I could get the catheter and I wouldn't have to have open heart surgery; but there is a chance that won't work, and my belief is that I'd rather go through surgery once and get it over with then keep putting my body through trauma (especially since any trauma might make the pain worse) over and over.
Then there's my sister. She's trying to stay clean but every time we think she is she uses again. I've gotten to the point where I will always believe she's using. She says that even when she sleeps so she doesn't have to think about it she dreams about it. On the one hand I want to pity her but on the other hand I feel she's done this to herself. Yes she had all kinds of emotional problems at a very young age but so have lots of other people (like J, he has more emotional problems then all the people in PA combined and he has never done drugs!) who have emotional problems and have never used. It's just frustrating.
Then on top of everything else I think about the world's problems. I think about the fact that we should have never been in Iraq. I think about the fact that I truly believe George Bush wants to put us at war with Iran. He's truly the scariest man in the world. I don't care who you mention, but most scary people know they are scary. Murderers know they're murderers, rapists know they're rapists. But the scariest people are those who believe they are doing the world a service, and that is what George Bush believes.
I think about far too many things. It seems that a lot of people with RSD worry about the world and worry about making those around them happy. I don't know how those who have had this for 20, 30, or even 40 years do it. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I'm going to go for now, but I just needed to get all of this out there. Till next time America.
Artistinme82
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Sometimes The Only Thing You Can Do is Swear
I've been talking to a friend about writing my own book. She says (we'll call her "M") that I should write a satire self help book on how to get through life with RSD. It would be a satire because basically the only way to get through life with anything is to try; and darn it, that's all I've been doing all my life.
(Tomorrow)One full month and a few days since I found out there is something wrong with my life I'm going to find out what I should do about it. I'm scarred to death. So is my family, they just don't say it out loud. They're scarred about a lot of things though. They're scarred my sister (N) will never beat cocaine. They're scarred that my RSD will never go away. But right now they mostly worry about my heart and my sister. Call me stupid but it took a while for me to realize most hospitals have to cut your rib cage open in order to do anything with your heart. The good thing is that there are major hospitals in places like Philly, Chicago, and Hershey medical center, that are changing the mytral valve by going at it on the side. The recovery will still suck, but at least it won't hurt as much as trying to recover from cutting your rib cage open with RSD.
There is some good news, however. My parents are buying me a house. It's a cute house too, just perfect for me. I've always wanted a rancher but we didn't think that was possible. Then along comes this semi-detached rancher (meaning it has another house connected to it on one side) and wa la! Instant house (well not instant but you know what I mean). There is just two problems:
First, the woman selling it wants to buy her next house without dealing with a Realtor, which means she's going to have to find a house that is being sold by the owner, which isn't easy to do. Second, she has three weeks to find a house and if she doesn't she can take back the sale! If I didn't have my sister's (N) cocaine habit or my RSD or my heart to deal with this might freak me out. But you know what, this is really small on the scale on the things that matter. I can't believe I admitted that but damn it it's true! And when there are so many other things to deal with and it's once again blocking you from being happy and getting what you want out of life well...
Sometimes the only thing you can do is swear!
(Tomorrow)One full month and a few days since I found out there is something wrong with my life I'm going to find out what I should do about it. I'm scarred to death. So is my family, they just don't say it out loud. They're scarred about a lot of things though. They're scarred my sister (N) will never beat cocaine. They're scarred that my RSD will never go away. But right now they mostly worry about my heart and my sister. Call me stupid but it took a while for me to realize most hospitals have to cut your rib cage open in order to do anything with your heart. The good thing is that there are major hospitals in places like Philly, Chicago, and Hershey medical center, that are changing the mytral valve by going at it on the side. The recovery will still suck, but at least it won't hurt as much as trying to recover from cutting your rib cage open with RSD.
There is some good news, however. My parents are buying me a house. It's a cute house too, just perfect for me. I've always wanted a rancher but we didn't think that was possible. Then along comes this semi-detached rancher (meaning it has another house connected to it on one side) and wa la! Instant house (well not instant but you know what I mean). There is just two problems:
First, the woman selling it wants to buy her next house without dealing with a Realtor, which means she's going to have to find a house that is being sold by the owner, which isn't easy to do. Second, she has three weeks to find a house and if she doesn't she can take back the sale! If I didn't have my sister's (N) cocaine habit or my RSD or my heart to deal with this might freak me out. But you know what, this is really small on the scale on the things that matter. I can't believe I admitted that but damn it it's true! And when there are so many other things to deal with and it's once again blocking you from being happy and getting what you want out of life well...
Sometimes the only thing you can do is swear!
Friday, May 25, 2007
What Really Matters
I know. I haven't been writing lately. Boo Hoo. The truth is that whenever I think about writing in here I get too tired from reading the thousands of emails that I get a week (and that may not be an exaggeration) from the liberal groups that I belong to. And I don't blame them, I want to make the world better too. But frankly, you don't have to be online all the time, sending one word emails about how outraged you are that G.W.B. did something stupid AGAIN.
I guess the real reason I'm bitter is because sometimes it seems that these people don't concentrate on the things that are most important. Ok, yes, they are constantly saying how good the friendships are between them, but when something awful happens to one of them,it doesn't seem like they take the time to try to help that person. Like at the last meeting, one of the women was crying because her pet bird was sick. Ok, so that's not the most important thing in the world but it sure is to that woman, and if that's what gets her through the day so be it.
Ok so yes, there is other things on my mind besides liberal issues, but for some reason, I don't want to talk about them. Maybe it's the fact that someone (usually me) is constantly sick in my family. Maybe it's because of the fact that I really don't have a lot of information, but for whatever the reason, I'm avoiding the subject. But for those few people out there that I know read this blog, I will tell you what's wrong:
There is something wrong with my heart. It's called Mitral Stinosis. Apparently the Mitral valve in the heart opens and allows blood to go through and then move to the other artery to get oxygen and the whole thing starts over again. That's roughly how it's supposed to work anyway. Well it seems that my heart is BOTH not letting out enough blood while at the same time letting some back in when it's not supposed to. So far we don't know how to treat it because I need to get more tests done.
Here's the part that makes me really angry though: This was not discovered until I started having really bad chest pains and this hard thumping in my chest. No it wasn't my heart, well, not my heart beating correctly anyway. What it was was an extra beat, followed by a pause while the heart figured out what was going on, followed by a hard beat. We only found the problem with the valve when I had an echo and a stress test done. We don't know how bad it is yet, I have to get another echo followed by a test that involves sticking tubes in my veins and checking how hard the valves are opening and closing, that's the way I understand it anyway. Anyway I was starting to tell you what makes me angry about this and then I got off track, but here, finally, is the reason I'm really angry:
This is not a problem that just cropped up. The Cardiologist actually said that "This didn't happen over night." Now let's think about this; I've been in the hospital how many times? Been in a drug induced coma, and had surgery by the time I was four years old AND NO ONE CAUGHT THIS. This could have been fixed years ago in the younger years of my life that most people never remember (like when I had my first surgery at the age of FOUR!).
So I wish I could just concentrate on liberal issues that in the huge scheme of things don't matter, because really the only thing that matters is being happy and if you let politics get you completely down all the time then you're going to be down for the rest of your life, you know what I mean?
If you go back many entries you will see the story of my families health problems, and why I am tired of someone (usually me) being sick. But for now I'll just say blessed be and play a game till I'm tired enough to sleep, ok?
Blessed be!
I guess the real reason I'm bitter is because sometimes it seems that these people don't concentrate on the things that are most important. Ok, yes, they are constantly saying how good the friendships are between them, but when something awful happens to one of them,it doesn't seem like they take the time to try to help that person. Like at the last meeting, one of the women was crying because her pet bird was sick. Ok, so that's not the most important thing in the world but it sure is to that woman, and if that's what gets her through the day so be it.
Ok so yes, there is other things on my mind besides liberal issues, but for some reason, I don't want to talk about them. Maybe it's the fact that someone (usually me) is constantly sick in my family. Maybe it's because of the fact that I really don't have a lot of information, but for whatever the reason, I'm avoiding the subject. But for those few people out there that I know read this blog, I will tell you what's wrong:
There is something wrong with my heart. It's called Mitral Stinosis. Apparently the Mitral valve in the heart opens and allows blood to go through and then move to the other artery to get oxygen and the whole thing starts over again. That's roughly how it's supposed to work anyway. Well it seems that my heart is BOTH not letting out enough blood while at the same time letting some back in when it's not supposed to. So far we don't know how to treat it because I need to get more tests done.
Here's the part that makes me really angry though: This was not discovered until I started having really bad chest pains and this hard thumping in my chest. No it wasn't my heart, well, not my heart beating correctly anyway. What it was was an extra beat, followed by a pause while the heart figured out what was going on, followed by a hard beat. We only found the problem with the valve when I had an echo and a stress test done. We don't know how bad it is yet, I have to get another echo followed by a test that involves sticking tubes in my veins and checking how hard the valves are opening and closing, that's the way I understand it anyway. Anyway I was starting to tell you what makes me angry about this and then I got off track, but here, finally, is the reason I'm really angry:
This is not a problem that just cropped up. The Cardiologist actually said that "This didn't happen over night." Now let's think about this; I've been in the hospital how many times? Been in a drug induced coma, and had surgery by the time I was four years old AND NO ONE CAUGHT THIS. This could have been fixed years ago in the younger years of my life that most people never remember (like when I had my first surgery at the age of FOUR!).
So I wish I could just concentrate on liberal issues that in the huge scheme of things don't matter, because really the only thing that matters is being happy and if you let politics get you completely down all the time then you're going to be down for the rest of your life, you know what I mean?
If you go back many entries you will see the story of my families health problems, and why I am tired of someone (usually me) being sick. But for now I'll just say blessed be and play a game till I'm tired enough to sleep, ok?
Blessed be!
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