Some say the most horrible feeling in the world is hopelessness. I there are two most horrible feelings in the world: loneliness and uselessness. Hopelessness comes when one or both has taken over your life and you feel you have no other choice but to sucome to it. I confess I am not there yet, but trust me when I say that the feeling of uselessness, even in small doses, is not a good feeling.
For something different to do at Yule (the pagan Christmas, although in my opinion Christmas is on the wrong date: SHEPPARDS DO NOT WATCH THEIR SHEEP BY NIGHT IN WINTER! And as we all know the date of Christmas was named so that more Pagans could be converted easily, but anyway) my family and I volunteered at an old folks home. We were to hand out food and talk to the old folks, in order to help the nurses and give the residents a smile. And while my mom is right, none of us did much (the volunteer coordination at that thing was horrible!), I must admit that it would have gone even faster then it already did if I had been able to carry the trays. And while it may seem like a small thing, I very much wanted to put a smile on the resident's faces.
And I wanted to do that not only as a volunteer, but as someone who knows how it feels to not be able to get out of bed; to have someone other then yourself wipe your butt and clean your body. I so wanted to tell them that I understood, but I'm sure of the few that would understand what I was saying, I wouldn't want to make their yule any worse then it may already be. And I'm sure telling the residents of your problems isn't what a volunteer is supposed to do.
Alright, so this wouldn't be a blog of only gloom and doom, I will tell you that I had a really good first Yule. Although my family does not share my new found beliefs, they are very good about helping me do what I need and also letting me have times and places where I may worship freely. I did so last night, and I must say it was very freeing. The morning hours were spent with my family, opening presents and watching other people open theirs. My mom told us that because she does not believe in the Christian story of what Christmas is supposed to be all about (although I told her to think of it as Yule instead) she did not want to give us as many presents this year. I told her that I truly believe that it is not the quantity of the gift but the quality, and it is not how much you spend on a present but what you meant by giving it. And I must say that because my sister's and I now have our own money and are able to give each other presents that it seemed we had just as much presents as before, not that it would have mattered anyway. And to my happiness all of my family members who got home made gifts (although giving homemade gifts may be the more frugal way to go, they were made with love they were also made to last and made for each person to get much joy out of them) were very happy with them. So despite my sadness at our little volunteering adventure, and a small tift with my mom, Yule went very well. And may I please say: Merry Yule to all, and to all a good night!
Blessed be!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Heal Thy Self
Remember a few weeks ago when I told you I thought I lost my best friend? Well celebrate with me, because I haven't! He still wants and is talking to me, and not only that but in the conversations we've had since the fight the only person to bring up the fight is me. And that feels really good. But here's the thing: just because he's friends with me again doesn't mean that he will tolerate me doing the same kind of thing. In fact, and he hasn't said this but I'm pretty sure it's true; frankly if I do something like this again to his friends, I'm sure our friendship will really be over. But am I planning on doing something like this again? AM I STUPID??? HELL NO I'M NOT PLANNING ON DOING ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN. The truth is I didn't plan on hurting female J. I simply wanted to do something for male J. since I think he does more for me....
Which is really the crux of the entire problem in our relationship and all of the relationships I have or have ever had: I put all of my friends on pedestals. At first it may sound like a good thing. But then you have to consider the fact that every time a friend does something nice for me the pedestal gets higher and higher. And if you are paying attention you will realize that that means male J.'s pedestal is so big I'm looking at his shoes rather then looking at him eye to eye like a friend should. I want to bring my friendships down to eye level....
But that raises another problem. I my friendships to come down to my level, but frankly I don't want anyone to be at my level. In my level people get made fun of and they hurt themselves with words and bad thoughts. And if I don't bring my friends down to my level then they are still on a pedestal...
Which makes it boils down to my problem of having a low self esteem. Damn it, why does everything come back down to that? Sigh...guess I really am going to have to fix myself...
Which is really the crux of the entire problem in our relationship and all of the relationships I have or have ever had: I put all of my friends on pedestals. At first it may sound like a good thing. But then you have to consider the fact that every time a friend does something nice for me the pedestal gets higher and higher. And if you are paying attention you will realize that that means male J.'s pedestal is so big I'm looking at his shoes rather then looking at him eye to eye like a friend should. I want to bring my friendships down to eye level....
But that raises another problem. I my friendships to come down to my level, but frankly I don't want anyone to be at my level. In my level people get made fun of and they hurt themselves with words and bad thoughts. And if I don't bring my friends down to my level then they are still on a pedestal...
Which makes it boils down to my problem of having a low self esteem. Damn it, why does everything come back down to that? Sigh...guess I really am going to have to fix myself...
Friday, December 15, 2006
You know I don't normally talk about what I talk about in therapy. Most of that is because I already told you all the things I've said in therapy before I told the therapist about it because I write in here usually right after or during what is happening. Part of that is because at every meeting I have had with this (now fairly) new therapist I've cried. I don't know if that's because she's really good, or if it's because I finally want to tell her everything. I had planned on doing this when I lived in my last apartment and had a therapist for quite awhile. It was one of my new years resolutions to tell her everything so that I could get more out of the experience. But then I moved back here and had to find a whole new therapist and new therapists are kinda like new friends: you just don't tell them your life story the first time you meet them. Yes, you do tell your therapist your life story much earlier then you do your friends (usually anyway), but you do need to take sometime to feel each other out. You need to get to know your therapist, I especially always want to check and see if there's anything that surprises me. Or, like what happened with one of my therapists, they might say something like "well if I was your mom I wouldn't want you dating someone that old". I'm sorry but YOUR NOT MY MOM. In my opinion when it comes to relationships and talking about them with your therapist you should try to figure out if the relationships you are in are healthy or not. She could have said something like "well I'm not sure if this much age difference is what qualifies as a healthy relationship" but event that's stretching it. Age has nothing to do with a healthy relationship. I dated someone one year older, and he verbally abused me. I dated someone sixteen and a half years older then me, and he adored me.
Anyway that's the subject we went over today: healthy relationships. And the biggest relationship we talked about was Joe and the fight I had and whether or not that's a sign that it isn't a healthy relationship and that maybe I shouldn't be his friend anymore. But that's not really what she was saying. She told me that if when you talk to him there's a nagging voice in your head telling you something's wrong, you should listen to it. And the fact is that when I talk to Joe, there is a nagging voice. Actually when I talk to a lot of my friends, there is a nagging voice, and this is why:
I put my friends on a pedestal. The more they do for me, the higher their pedestal becomes, and the lower mine becomes. And frankly if I do something for them, my pedestal doesn't go up nearly as high as my friend's pedestal does when she does something good for me, if at all. The point is that I don't just look up to my friends: I worship them. And that isn't a healthy relationship. And yes, I did had to get that pointed out to me by my shrink. So shoot me. There are many things that many people learn from their shrinks that they should have known in the first place. Like those people who believe that a boy friend who abuses will change. It's just not true. And I just thought of something: when I went out with N., I didn't try to change his abusive behavior, because really I didn't see his abusive behavior. He hid the fact that he was feeding my idea that my friends are on pedestals so well, that on the surface no one would be able to see what he was doing, especially me at the time! Here's how he did it: N. basically told me that he's this supreme being (I know, I know, I was stupid to believe him on that factor and I never should have. Trust me when I say I've been over that in my head a thousand times) and that while I'm a supreme being also, he is more supreme then I am. Him and D. both did it. D. says he made the whole thing up and just gave the story to N., but I think the truth is the that it's the other way around. N. actually believes he's evolved now (and no, I don't believe that)!
He's the other relationship we talked about. I talked about how I can't get it out of my mind. My shrink (J.....oh damn that's another J....here we go again!) that the reason I keep thinking about N. is because it reminds me of something I'm going through, and that something is probably J. I tried to say that J. and my relationship is not as bad as N.'s and I was, but, as she pointed out, saying something like "it's not that bad" means there probably is something bad about it. And there is, like I said: I put J. on a pedestal. Anyway when it comes to N. I just want to get the thought of him out of my mind. And she really didn't give me anyways of doing that besides talking to J. (I'll tell you about that in a minute) but the fact is that I have thought about N. almost every day since I broke up with him. But what J. (the shrink) said is that the relationship with N. taught me how to look for the bad signs. It also taught me that in relationships I need to step back and listen to that nagging voice. As I told her, that's frankly the way that I was finally able to break up with N. It goes like this: N. and I had gotten caught doing more then fooling around (but not having intercourse, and no, I'm not going to get into it!) and I was supposed to go to AZ to visit my Uncle the following week. So my parents said (since frankly I felt really bad about doing it) that as punishment I would not see N. until after I came back from my Uncle's house. I agreed (though looking back on it I didn't have any choice) and when to my Uncle's place having not talked to N. since that day. Well it was during that trip that I was able to step back and listen to that nagging voice. Because I didn't have N. around to turn off that voice with kisses and such, I was able to think about what our relationship really was like. And it was with that that I was able to break up with him. And you know what? I remember being almost happy after I did it. Every other relationship I have was sad for days or weeks because I broke up with the person. Like my first boy friend (who I consider my first love) C. When I broke up with him I cried for three days straight! And frankly it was because C. was a mommas boy and "never had the time" (i put the "" around it because I think that's a load of crap) I was able to take the time to listen to the nagging voice again!
Now I know what I have to do: I have to tell J. (my best friend, not my shrink) what I have learned. I have to tell him that in order for our friendship to get better I have to stop putting him on a pedestal. I will tell him that obviously it's not his fault that I did that, but that if he notices me doing it, to try to help me stop it. He's always been good at making me listen to the good voices in my head, and he'll probably be able to the same thing with this. And it is with that statement that I do not have any nagging voices. And J. (the shrink...hey maybe I'll call her J.T.S! J. The Shrink! LOL) says that that's a sign of a good relationship
Sigh...well I was going to tell you about a promise I made to my new friend T. today. I told him that all day today I would try to write down a list of things to do. If I don't like it I won't have to do it again, but he says just doing that will bolster my self esteem. So I'll start it just a little:
1. I can type really fast. 2. I can walk. 3. I can read fairly well. 4. I can write.
I forgot to tell you it's my birthday! LOL oh well. Wish me happy birthday! But I really must get to bed. I am very tired and despite taking oxycodone I am still hurting pretty good (What does that statement mean anyway? There is no such thing as hurting good! Stop rambling Andrea!).
So it is with a smile and a hope for better friendships that I say good bye, wishing you blessed be all day long.
Anyway that's the subject we went over today: healthy relationships. And the biggest relationship we talked about was Joe and the fight I had and whether or not that's a sign that it isn't a healthy relationship and that maybe I shouldn't be his friend anymore. But that's not really what she was saying. She told me that if when you talk to him there's a nagging voice in your head telling you something's wrong, you should listen to it. And the fact is that when I talk to Joe, there is a nagging voice. Actually when I talk to a lot of my friends, there is a nagging voice, and this is why:
I put my friends on a pedestal. The more they do for me, the higher their pedestal becomes, and the lower mine becomes. And frankly if I do something for them, my pedestal doesn't go up nearly as high as my friend's pedestal does when she does something good for me, if at all. The point is that I don't just look up to my friends: I worship them. And that isn't a healthy relationship. And yes, I did had to get that pointed out to me by my shrink. So shoot me. There are many things that many people learn from their shrinks that they should have known in the first place. Like those people who believe that a boy friend who abuses will change. It's just not true. And I just thought of something: when I went out with N., I didn't try to change his abusive behavior, because really I didn't see his abusive behavior. He hid the fact that he was feeding my idea that my friends are on pedestals so well, that on the surface no one would be able to see what he was doing, especially me at the time! Here's how he did it: N. basically told me that he's this supreme being (I know, I know, I was stupid to believe him on that factor and I never should have. Trust me when I say I've been over that in my head a thousand times) and that while I'm a supreme being also, he is more supreme then I am. Him and D. both did it. D. says he made the whole thing up and just gave the story to N., but I think the truth is the that it's the other way around. N. actually believes he's evolved now (and no, I don't believe that)!
He's the other relationship we talked about. I talked about how I can't get it out of my mind. My shrink (J.....oh damn that's another J....here we go again!) that the reason I keep thinking about N. is because it reminds me of something I'm going through, and that something is probably J. I tried to say that J. and my relationship is not as bad as N.'s and I was, but, as she pointed out, saying something like "it's not that bad" means there probably is something bad about it. And there is, like I said: I put J. on a pedestal. Anyway when it comes to N. I just want to get the thought of him out of my mind. And she really didn't give me anyways of doing that besides talking to J. (I'll tell you about that in a minute) but the fact is that I have thought about N. almost every day since I broke up with him. But what J. (the shrink) said is that the relationship with N. taught me how to look for the bad signs. It also taught me that in relationships I need to step back and listen to that nagging voice. As I told her, that's frankly the way that I was finally able to break up with N. It goes like this: N. and I had gotten caught doing more then fooling around (but not having intercourse, and no, I'm not going to get into it!) and I was supposed to go to AZ to visit my Uncle the following week. So my parents said (since frankly I felt really bad about doing it) that as punishment I would not see N. until after I came back from my Uncle's house. I agreed (though looking back on it I didn't have any choice) and when to my Uncle's place having not talked to N. since that day. Well it was during that trip that I was able to step back and listen to that nagging voice. Because I didn't have N. around to turn off that voice with kisses and such, I was able to think about what our relationship really was like. And it was with that that I was able to break up with him. And you know what? I remember being almost happy after I did it. Every other relationship I have was sad for days or weeks because I broke up with the person. Like my first boy friend (who I consider my first love) C. When I broke up with him I cried for three days straight! And frankly it was because C. was a mommas boy and "never had the time" (i put the "" around it because I think that's a load of crap) I was able to take the time to listen to the nagging voice again!
Now I know what I have to do: I have to tell J. (my best friend, not my shrink) what I have learned. I have to tell him that in order for our friendship to get better I have to stop putting him on a pedestal. I will tell him that obviously it's not his fault that I did that, but that if he notices me doing it, to try to help me stop it. He's always been good at making me listen to the good voices in my head, and he'll probably be able to the same thing with this. And it is with that statement that I do not have any nagging voices. And J. (the shrink...hey maybe I'll call her J.T.S! J. The Shrink! LOL) says that that's a sign of a good relationship
Sigh...well I was going to tell you about a promise I made to my new friend T. today. I told him that all day today I would try to write down a list of things to do. If I don't like it I won't have to do it again, but he says just doing that will bolster my self esteem. So I'll start it just a little:
1. I can type really fast. 2. I can walk. 3. I can read fairly well. 4. I can write.
I forgot to tell you it's my birthday! LOL oh well. Wish me happy birthday! But I really must get to bed. I am very tired and despite taking oxycodone I am still hurting pretty good (What does that statement mean anyway? There is no such thing as hurting good! Stop rambling Andrea!).
So it is with a smile and a hope for better friendships that I say good bye, wishing you blessed be all day long.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
As you may or may not have noticed, I usually like to title my blogs. The reason some didn't get titles is simple: I forgot to put one in. But the last blog's title was left out on purpose. Since I had talked about so many things in the blog, I didn't know what title to give it. I was going to call this one "The subject I won't talk about and my review of House". But that's not going to work because I have a lot on my mind. So unfortunately this might not have a title and you just might have to actually read the blog to find out what it's about. Then again, maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.
I'm not sure where to begin on this, so I'll simply go where my mind takes me. That's what I usually do anyway isn't it? And as I've said many times before, this is my blog, so why do I worry about what other people think of it?
Because I'm a worry wart. And because I care far too much what people think about everything I do. And because I barley have a self esteem at all. Maybe that's why I avoid talking about drugs in the first place. I don't like people yelling at me and telling me that medicinal marijuana may actually be a good thing, and that there are reasons why people do drugs. The fact is, I don't care. As you may have read about in this blog, I have dealt with far too many bad things that have to do with drugs and alcohol. Then again, I'm not sure you realize that what happened with my sister N. is not the first time it happened; but I may have told you in those blogs that this most recent episode is the third or forth time my family and I have gone through drama because my sister thinks that she's not an alcoholic and she doesn't have a drug problem. She says she realizes that now, and that she's not drinking, but frankly after so many lies I'm not sure if I believe her anymore.
Maybe that's what my mom means by "waiting for the other shoe to drop". The other reason for thinking that is the fact that right now there isn't any big problems going on in my family's life, and that's a very new thing for all of us. We are so used to someone being close to death, or in way too much pain, or yelling at us, or...well you get the picture. But we are so used to our lives being controlled by those factors that we don't know how to deal with times that are good. It causes our stomach's to tie in nots and our minds to do the proverbial "checking over our shoulders" every five minutes. I know that you are saying that I should just be happy about this and let it alone, that the more you wonder if something bad is going to happen the more likely it is that something bad is going to happen. I know that stuff. I say it to my mother all the time. But the fact is that our family truly does survive best in 911 mode. And yes, I know your wondering if this means my pain is gone, since I'm saying that everything is fine, and no, that's not it at all. Frankly my family considers my being in pain more like a constant. Actually, the weird part is that if I weren't in pain, we would REALLY be wondering what the hells going on. Like I said, we're just used to it.
Another thing that's on my mind is the show "House". I know I know, you're probably thinking that with everything going on in my life, why would I worry about a stupid TV show. But then again if you've ever watched the show you will know what I'm talking about. Everyone, including the show's producers who decide what to make the highlight of the story, thinks that the fact that Dr. House (that's the main character, obviously) is constantly figuring out medical mysteries, that he's a really mean guy, and that he may be going to jail for being a pain killer addict. But the truth is that's not what keeps many of us glued to the TV set. At least not those in the RSD community anyway. That was a hint as to why I watch it, but let me just tell you straight out: Dr. House suffers from chronic pain. Everyone thinks that the pain isn't there, that he's just addicted to pain killers from the first time he had pain problems that supposedly "went away", but trust me, those of us in the pain community know the difference between a user and someone who really is in pain, at least most of the time. I know what your thinking and yes, he's just acting, he's really not in pain, but the fact despite being an ass hole (on the show and in real life. I saw him interviewed on "In Side The Actors Studio) he's also a really good actor. And we in the pain community don't have to look in the eyes of EVERYONE we think has RSD. We know the symptoms well enough. As you may or may not have guessed, we think that the great Dr. House has RSD. Call us crazy (and there really is an "us" if you go into RSD chat rooms and email list serves and ask what they think of the show "House", the first thing many of them will talk about is the fact that while the word "RSD" has never been spoken on the show, House probably has the disease. How do we know? Well first, their is the fact that he's in constant agonizing pain, that none of the pain killers except for the extreme ones work on the pain, and that even when those pills DO work, he has to keep popping one every five minutes just to keep the pain from becoming too unbearable. Ok ok, that could all be signs of an addict. But then there is the clincher: the pain that House is experiencing was taken away when he was in a coma and given Ketamine. I don't know if I told you or not, but the reason I went five months without pain is because I went to Germany and was put in what's called a "K hole", which basically means giving someone enough Ketamine that they go into a coma. Obviously the coma was watched very closely, but that's not the point. The in the episode that shows coming out of the coma (actually he was having a coma dream, but let's not go into details, ok? In shows after that he was still better!) one of the doctors says to him "we gave you Ketamine" and when Dr. House says why the doctor says "some little hospital in Germany has been giving it to patients with chronic pain and they have been waking up pain free" (ok that wasn't her exact words, but she did talk about a hospital in Germany giving Ketamine to patients with pain)! I don't know about you, but when you are part of a group of only a handful of people that experienced something, and then that something gets mentioned on a major TV show, it kinda gives you the chills. Anyway, House's pain did come back, but remember so did mine. And not only that, House took his new pain free freedom to the extreme, and did things no 40 something year old man should do, like ride a skateboard for the first time and other things. So I guess you are wondering why I'm on this kick TODAY and not some other day if I watch the show so religiously. It's because on today's episode the doctors he works with decided they knew what's best for him and took away his Vicadin. First of all, when someone is chewing on major pain killers like their candy, and then someone takes them away, you go through withdrawal, and that ain't pretty. I went through Ketamine withdrawl after I came back from Germany (they couldn't keep me in the hospital giving me major doses of the stuff forever you know) and while that wasn't as extreme, I know what withdrawal feels like. It isn't fun. I didn't mention this before, but that is another reason why I don't like drugs. I have been prescribed many of them. And really it's not the taking them that' s the problem. It's that horrible feeling of not knowing where you are. I'm told that's what people who take drugs are looking for, that I have to take them in a "good" setting and "expect them to make me happy" before I will like the feeling. But if that's the truth then why do people take them in the first place, if they are already in a "good" setting? Anyway sorry, small tangent. Besides going through withdrawal, House's pain also obviously came back with avengance. And he did all of the classic things that those of us who have had horrible pain do. I don't want to go through the list, but trust me when I say that though of us with chronic pain all know what it looks like.
I know what you're thinking: if it's only us in the RSD world that think House has RSD, how do we know we're right? Well the fact is that you would probably consider those handful of people who know what RSD is and can recognize it as part of the RSD community, that you need an outside source to check to see if he has RSD...but the fact is that most "outside sources" don't believe RSD is real anyway. "Then how do you know it's real the unbelievers (we'll just call them that for now) are saying. Ugh. Don't get me started about the misconceptions the people who don't believe RSD is real have. One person actually told me that he read that RSD only spreads in something like 2% of the people who have it. Had I known what the exact number was, I would have laughed in his face. I knew it was higher then that, but I didn't know how much higher. The fact is (and this is backed by doctors who treat it...ugh but then the unbelievers call them "RSD doctors" and want yet ANOTHER outside source...but like I said, an outside source is an unbeliever anyway!) RSD spreads in 70% of cases.
You may be wondering if I'm just one of those people who believes in things that are unreal. Like aliens or whatever. But the fact is that the number of people who understand that RSD exists is growing. And I'm sorry, but I can't "make up" swollen fingers and hands and things like that. And I can't make "fake" color changes in my hands and feet look real. It's kinda like telling a jaundice (yea, I know, spelling again) person that they just took a highlighter and colored in their entire body. It just isn't true.
While as always I could say more, my hands are killing me (or is it "all in my head" that my body is swelling or is that a "power of the mind" trick...ugh...sorry but unbelievers really piss me off) and I should probably at least attempt to sleep. So maybe I will title this like I thought I would. I don't know, I guess I'll have to see what happens. Till next time....
Blessed be
I'm not sure where to begin on this, so I'll simply go where my mind takes me. That's what I usually do anyway isn't it? And as I've said many times before, this is my blog, so why do I worry about what other people think of it?
Because I'm a worry wart. And because I care far too much what people think about everything I do. And because I barley have a self esteem at all. Maybe that's why I avoid talking about drugs in the first place. I don't like people yelling at me and telling me that medicinal marijuana may actually be a good thing, and that there are reasons why people do drugs. The fact is, I don't care. As you may have read about in this blog, I have dealt with far too many bad things that have to do with drugs and alcohol. Then again, I'm not sure you realize that what happened with my sister N. is not the first time it happened; but I may have told you in those blogs that this most recent episode is the third or forth time my family and I have gone through drama because my sister thinks that she's not an alcoholic and she doesn't have a drug problem. She says she realizes that now, and that she's not drinking, but frankly after so many lies I'm not sure if I believe her anymore.
Maybe that's what my mom means by "waiting for the other shoe to drop". The other reason for thinking that is the fact that right now there isn't any big problems going on in my family's life, and that's a very new thing for all of us. We are so used to someone being close to death, or in way too much pain, or yelling at us, or...well you get the picture. But we are so used to our lives being controlled by those factors that we don't know how to deal with times that are good. It causes our stomach's to tie in nots and our minds to do the proverbial "checking over our shoulders" every five minutes. I know that you are saying that I should just be happy about this and let it alone, that the more you wonder if something bad is going to happen the more likely it is that something bad is going to happen. I know that stuff. I say it to my mother all the time. But the fact is that our family truly does survive best in 911 mode. And yes, I know your wondering if this means my pain is gone, since I'm saying that everything is fine, and no, that's not it at all. Frankly my family considers my being in pain more like a constant. Actually, the weird part is that if I weren't in pain, we would REALLY be wondering what the hells going on. Like I said, we're just used to it.
Another thing that's on my mind is the show "House". I know I know, you're probably thinking that with everything going on in my life, why would I worry about a stupid TV show. But then again if you've ever watched the show you will know what I'm talking about. Everyone, including the show's producers who decide what to make the highlight of the story, thinks that the fact that Dr. House (that's the main character, obviously) is constantly figuring out medical mysteries, that he's a really mean guy, and that he may be going to jail for being a pain killer addict. But the truth is that's not what keeps many of us glued to the TV set. At least not those in the RSD community anyway. That was a hint as to why I watch it, but let me just tell you straight out: Dr. House suffers from chronic pain. Everyone thinks that the pain isn't there, that he's just addicted to pain killers from the first time he had pain problems that supposedly "went away", but trust me, those of us in the pain community know the difference between a user and someone who really is in pain, at least most of the time. I know what your thinking and yes, he's just acting, he's really not in pain, but the fact despite being an ass hole (on the show and in real life. I saw him interviewed on "In Side The Actors Studio) he's also a really good actor. And we in the pain community don't have to look in the eyes of EVERYONE we think has RSD. We know the symptoms well enough. As you may or may not have guessed, we think that the great Dr. House has RSD. Call us crazy (and there really is an "us" if you go into RSD chat rooms and email list serves and ask what they think of the show "House", the first thing many of them will talk about is the fact that while the word "RSD" has never been spoken on the show, House probably has the disease. How do we know? Well first, their is the fact that he's in constant agonizing pain, that none of the pain killers except for the extreme ones work on the pain, and that even when those pills DO work, he has to keep popping one every five minutes just to keep the pain from becoming too unbearable. Ok ok, that could all be signs of an addict. But then there is the clincher: the pain that House is experiencing was taken away when he was in a coma and given Ketamine. I don't know if I told you or not, but the reason I went five months without pain is because I went to Germany and was put in what's called a "K hole", which basically means giving someone enough Ketamine that they go into a coma. Obviously the coma was watched very closely, but that's not the point. The in the episode that shows coming out of the coma (actually he was having a coma dream, but let's not go into details, ok? In shows after that he was still better!) one of the doctors says to him "we gave you Ketamine" and when Dr. House says why the doctor says "some little hospital in Germany has been giving it to patients with chronic pain and they have been waking up pain free" (ok that wasn't her exact words, but she did talk about a hospital in Germany giving Ketamine to patients with pain)! I don't know about you, but when you are part of a group of only a handful of people that experienced something, and then that something gets mentioned on a major TV show, it kinda gives you the chills. Anyway, House's pain did come back, but remember so did mine. And not only that, House took his new pain free freedom to the extreme, and did things no 40 something year old man should do, like ride a skateboard for the first time and other things. So I guess you are wondering why I'm on this kick TODAY and not some other day if I watch the show so religiously. It's because on today's episode the doctors he works with decided they knew what's best for him and took away his Vicadin. First of all, when someone is chewing on major pain killers like their candy, and then someone takes them away, you go through withdrawal, and that ain't pretty. I went through Ketamine withdrawl after I came back from Germany (they couldn't keep me in the hospital giving me major doses of the stuff forever you know) and while that wasn't as extreme, I know what withdrawal feels like. It isn't fun. I didn't mention this before, but that is another reason why I don't like drugs. I have been prescribed many of them. And really it's not the taking them that' s the problem. It's that horrible feeling of not knowing where you are. I'm told that's what people who take drugs are looking for, that I have to take them in a "good" setting and "expect them to make me happy" before I will like the feeling. But if that's the truth then why do people take them in the first place, if they are already in a "good" setting? Anyway sorry, small tangent. Besides going through withdrawal, House's pain also obviously came back with avengance. And he did all of the classic things that those of us who have had horrible pain do. I don't want to go through the list, but trust me when I say that though of us with chronic pain all know what it looks like.
I know what you're thinking: if it's only us in the RSD world that think House has RSD, how do we know we're right? Well the fact is that you would probably consider those handful of people who know what RSD is and can recognize it as part of the RSD community, that you need an outside source to check to see if he has RSD...but the fact is that most "outside sources" don't believe RSD is real anyway. "Then how do you know it's real the unbelievers (we'll just call them that for now) are saying. Ugh. Don't get me started about the misconceptions the people who don't believe RSD is real have. One person actually told me that he read that RSD only spreads in something like 2% of the people who have it. Had I known what the exact number was, I would have laughed in his face. I knew it was higher then that, but I didn't know how much higher. The fact is (and this is backed by doctors who treat it...ugh but then the unbelievers call them "RSD doctors" and want yet ANOTHER outside source...but like I said, an outside source is an unbeliever anyway!) RSD spreads in 70% of cases.
You may be wondering if I'm just one of those people who believes in things that are unreal. Like aliens or whatever. But the fact is that the number of people who understand that RSD exists is growing. And I'm sorry, but I can't "make up" swollen fingers and hands and things like that. And I can't make "fake" color changes in my hands and feet look real. It's kinda like telling a jaundice (yea, I know, spelling again) person that they just took a highlighter and colored in their entire body. It just isn't true.
While as always I could say more, my hands are killing me (or is it "all in my head" that my body is swelling or is that a "power of the mind" trick...ugh...sorry but unbelievers really piss me off) and I should probably at least attempt to sleep. So maybe I will title this like I thought I would. I don't know, I guess I'll have to see what happens. Till next time....
Blessed be
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Ok so I know it's been like forever since I've written but I honestly didn't think I had anything to write about. Of course what could happen is exactly what happened in my shrink's office the other day. I went in thinking I had absolutely nothing to say, and ended up crying and talking to her about a whole bunch of things that I didn't even know were on my mind. I can't even remember what I talked about now!
I guess I should first say what happened to the whole J. and J. saga. Well first, I sort of figured out why the whole thing happened. But I didn't tell the female J. the reason for a long time because I thought it sounded like a dumb excuse. But then again, there is no excuse for what I did, there can only be reasons. The male J. told me that. How did he tell me that if we aren't talking? You wonder? Because we started talking again! Woot! I don't deserve his friendship, and after I tell you what the reason was you might really start to wonder about me, or not read my blog or...wait a minute. Didn't I set up this blog for me? So that I could write about my true feelings without having to explain them to the rest of the world? So why am I worrying about whether or not you (if there even is a "you" out there) will stop reading this? I know that ocassionally P. reads this, and P. is one of the few friends I almost believe I will hang out to forever, first because she is extremely forgiving, and secondly because all of my problems with friends that I can remember have been over two things: RSD, or guys. I don't know if P. will ever have half of the experiances I've had, or if she's going to have any of them! At 24, she's never touched, kissed, held hands with, or done anything with a guy. Not a thing! I used to think this was a bad thing and she should really experiance at least one or two of the things that feel good when it comes with being with a guy, but then I realized that with all the drama I've had dealing with relationships, why would I tell such a sweet, innocent girl to mess up her life like that? She's better off the way she is, increadibly smart (this girl is the ultimate sponge) and happy with just being friends with who ever she's friends with (although I don't know if she's even ever been friends with a guy!
Anyway back to the whole J. and J. drama. Wondering why the male J. even started talking to me again? That's exactly what I was wondering when he sent me a text message that said "We've got to talk." So I call him and he asks me the following: "Did you tell (the female) J. that if she didn't help you become friends with me again you would make her life a living hell?" I answered him in exactly what the truth was: "What am I stupid?!?" First, I am well aware that anything bad I say to the female J. is going to get back to the male J. Second, I am even more well aware of the fact that if I would have told her such a thing, not only would it have gone back to the male J., but he would have cut me a knew one again, and she would have done the same thing. Which is interesting. If I actually said that to her (which I didn't) why didn't she tell me where to put those words in the first place? I know she is perfectly capable of doing that, believe you me she yelled at me good enough the last time. What was shocking was the male J.'s reaction. He basically told me that he didn't know who to believe, because on the one hand he had the female J., who has no reason to lie to him, and on the other he had me, someone who had lied to him and would have done (nearly) anything to get back in his good graces. And I told him I understood that, that I really would do nearly anything to get back into his good graces, but the opprative word here is NEARLY. I'm not stupid. If I hurt my best friend by hurting one of his friends, I'm certainly not going to try to become his friend again by rehurting her. So after I got off the phone with him I called her and asked her where she though she heard that, and she told me it was from my mouth. I don't know maybe my RSDuh (forgetting due to RSD, I can't believe I never said that on here before! Or maybe I did, and this is another example of RSDuh) has been working over time or if I have serious amnesia or what, but I swear on whatever you want me to swear on (when the male J. asked me to swear on something I swore on a friend of mine, Jen's ((she's dead so you certainly can't come after her! So now you know when you will hear the real name of my friends: when their gone, so please tell me you are hoping with me that you will never hear the name of any one of my friends again!)) grave, that I didn't do it and I will do it again!) that I did not, will not, do not want to, will never want to, ever harm the female J. again! Hurting anyone (well, maybe my ex N.) just isn't worth it and in this case it definately isn't worth it! Ugh....
So yes, the male J. and I are talking again. I actually sent him a text message yesturday asking him if I could call him and he told me not that day cuz he was sick but to call him yesturday (Saturday) or today, but I'm going to be baking cookies and watching football with my family tomorrow so I might not get the chance to, what I might do is call the male J. first and depending on whether or not we have one of our super long talks again or not, I will call the female J. too. Because I haven't called her in a couple days and the last time I talked to her my chest had been hurting really bad and I just wanted to lay down and after that she was worried that it was my heart so I got to call her and tell her everything is alright, that it's just the RSD like I thought it was.
Oh, I don't know if I told you about that! My chest is killing me! It hurts everyday and has for a while now, which is why I'm not sure if I told you about it or not. My family and everyone else I told about it was worried that it might be my heart so I went to the doctor and she did an EKG and took some blood. The EKG was normal and we haven't heard about the blood yet but I'm sure that's normal too.
I guess I should tell you about everything else in my life (as if that's a lot) on this blog too. I might get in trouble for having a really long blog, but then again who would I get in trouble with?
Remember I told you I'm in the local peace group in my community? I told you the name of it but that has my city name in it so if you don't remember then phhhht (that's supposed to be the sound of a rasberry) to you! Anyway I have joined thier progressive newspaper and became a staff writter. I'm also helping with distribution, which is really in sad shape right now. I am writting three very short articles (150 words) about different pieces of news that have gone on in the last two months (hey, we don't have the money to be monthly, let alone daily people!). The two other articles I'm writing are harder to explain and I might not finish in this blog before I go to bed so you might have to just deal!
When this guy, M. asked if I wanted to join the paper, I told him I had this idea to write a piece, every other issue, about different organizations in our county. Aha but you don't know why I asked to do this. I have been searching for a way to put my non-profit organization, Fighting "4" Us, out in to the media, and when they asked me if I wanted to join this paper I thought "why not just take advantage of it? So the first organization I'm writing about will be Fighting "4" Us! sneaky aren't I? I know you might think that a progressive news paper in a mid-sized town doesn't do a lot of good, but 4,000 copies is 4,000 copies, and that's not something to shake a news paper at.
The other piece was M.'s idea. he wanted people in the group to write different pieces about different types of discrimination. I said I'd write about disabilities discrimination. I figured it would give me a chance to bitch out in the open, plus people would actually read about it. But then I realized just how much information can be put into 350 words. Not a whole lot! It's about three paragraphs! But I'm going to try to do it if it kills me!
There is more to talk about, but having RSD in your lungs means that attempting to stay out of bed, even if you aren't sleeping, isn't easy. So I'm going to say good bye for now, and hope that the male J. reads this sometime and realizes I am telling the truth about not threatening the female J. Anway, till next time...
Blessed be!
I guess I should first say what happened to the whole J. and J. saga. Well first, I sort of figured out why the whole thing happened. But I didn't tell the female J. the reason for a long time because I thought it sounded like a dumb excuse. But then again, there is no excuse for what I did, there can only be reasons. The male J. told me that. How did he tell me that if we aren't talking? You wonder? Because we started talking again! Woot! I don't deserve his friendship, and after I tell you what the reason was you might really start to wonder about me, or not read my blog or...wait a minute. Didn't I set up this blog for me? So that I could write about my true feelings without having to explain them to the rest of the world? So why am I worrying about whether or not you (if there even is a "you" out there) will stop reading this? I know that ocassionally P. reads this, and P. is one of the few friends I almost believe I will hang out to forever, first because she is extremely forgiving, and secondly because all of my problems with friends that I can remember have been over two things: RSD, or guys. I don't know if P. will ever have half of the experiances I've had, or if she's going to have any of them! At 24, she's never touched, kissed, held hands with, or done anything with a guy. Not a thing! I used to think this was a bad thing and she should really experiance at least one or two of the things that feel good when it comes with being with a guy, but then I realized that with all the drama I've had dealing with relationships, why would I tell such a sweet, innocent girl to mess up her life like that? She's better off the way she is, increadibly smart (this girl is the ultimate sponge) and happy with just being friends with who ever she's friends with (although I don't know if she's even ever been friends with a guy!
Anyway back to the whole J. and J. drama. Wondering why the male J. even started talking to me again? That's exactly what I was wondering when he sent me a text message that said "We've got to talk." So I call him and he asks me the following: "Did you tell (the female) J. that if she didn't help you become friends with me again you would make her life a living hell?" I answered him in exactly what the truth was: "What am I stupid?!?" First, I am well aware that anything bad I say to the female J. is going to get back to the male J. Second, I am even more well aware of the fact that if I would have told her such a thing, not only would it have gone back to the male J., but he would have cut me a knew one again, and she would have done the same thing. Which is interesting. If I actually said that to her (which I didn't) why didn't she tell me where to put those words in the first place? I know she is perfectly capable of doing that, believe you me she yelled at me good enough the last time. What was shocking was the male J.'s reaction. He basically told me that he didn't know who to believe, because on the one hand he had the female J., who has no reason to lie to him, and on the other he had me, someone who had lied to him and would have done (nearly) anything to get back in his good graces. And I told him I understood that, that I really would do nearly anything to get back into his good graces, but the opprative word here is NEARLY. I'm not stupid. If I hurt my best friend by hurting one of his friends, I'm certainly not going to try to become his friend again by rehurting her. So after I got off the phone with him I called her and asked her where she though she heard that, and she told me it was from my mouth. I don't know maybe my RSDuh (forgetting due to RSD, I can't believe I never said that on here before! Or maybe I did, and this is another example of RSDuh) has been working over time or if I have serious amnesia or what, but I swear on whatever you want me to swear on (when the male J. asked me to swear on something I swore on a friend of mine, Jen's ((she's dead so you certainly can't come after her! So now you know when you will hear the real name of my friends: when their gone, so please tell me you are hoping with me that you will never hear the name of any one of my friends again!)) grave, that I didn't do it and I will do it again!) that I did not, will not, do not want to, will never want to, ever harm the female J. again! Hurting anyone (well, maybe my ex N.) just isn't worth it and in this case it definately isn't worth it! Ugh....
So yes, the male J. and I are talking again. I actually sent him a text message yesturday asking him if I could call him and he told me not that day cuz he was sick but to call him yesturday (Saturday) or today, but I'm going to be baking cookies and watching football with my family tomorrow so I might not get the chance to, what I might do is call the male J. first and depending on whether or not we have one of our super long talks again or not, I will call the female J. too. Because I haven't called her in a couple days and the last time I talked to her my chest had been hurting really bad and I just wanted to lay down and after that she was worried that it was my heart so I got to call her and tell her everything is alright, that it's just the RSD like I thought it was.
Oh, I don't know if I told you about that! My chest is killing me! It hurts everyday and has for a while now, which is why I'm not sure if I told you about it or not. My family and everyone else I told about it was worried that it might be my heart so I went to the doctor and she did an EKG and took some blood. The EKG was normal and we haven't heard about the blood yet but I'm sure that's normal too.
I guess I should tell you about everything else in my life (as if that's a lot) on this blog too. I might get in trouble for having a really long blog, but then again who would I get in trouble with?
Remember I told you I'm in the local peace group in my community? I told you the name of it but that has my city name in it so if you don't remember then phhhht (that's supposed to be the sound of a rasberry) to you! Anyway I have joined thier progressive newspaper and became a staff writter. I'm also helping with distribution, which is really in sad shape right now. I am writting three very short articles (150 words) about different pieces of news that have gone on in the last two months (hey, we don't have the money to be monthly, let alone daily people!). The two other articles I'm writing are harder to explain and I might not finish in this blog before I go to bed so you might have to just deal!
When this guy, M. asked if I wanted to join the paper, I told him I had this idea to write a piece, every other issue, about different organizations in our county. Aha but you don't know why I asked to do this. I have been searching for a way to put my non-profit organization, Fighting "4" Us, out in to the media, and when they asked me if I wanted to join this paper I thought "why not just take advantage of it? So the first organization I'm writing about will be Fighting "4" Us! sneaky aren't I? I know you might think that a progressive news paper in a mid-sized town doesn't do a lot of good, but 4,000 copies is 4,000 copies, and that's not something to shake a news paper at.
The other piece was M.'s idea. he wanted people in the group to write different pieces about different types of discrimination. I said I'd write about disabilities discrimination. I figured it would give me a chance to bitch out in the open, plus people would actually read about it. But then I realized just how much information can be put into 350 words. Not a whole lot! It's about three paragraphs! But I'm going to try to do it if it kills me!
There is more to talk about, but having RSD in your lungs means that attempting to stay out of bed, even if you aren't sleeping, isn't easy. So I'm going to say good bye for now, and hope that the male J. reads this sometime and realizes I am telling the truth about not threatening the female J. Anway, till next time...
Blessed be!
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