Today I went to the doctor well really, she's a nurse practicionor, but it's so much easier just to say "I went to the doctor" then saying "I want to a nurse practitioner" then you have to explain why you aren't going to a doctor and on and on blah blah blah...
Anyway I was trying to get help for two things: First, I haven't sleep right in far too long for me to remember. All of the sleep meds I've tried (tylenol pm, melotonin, trazodone) have not worked. So she put me on ambien. She told me to cut it in half, and then take it about an hour before I went to bed. So I did, and guess what happened. NOTHING! As you can see I did not sleep, and once again I'm up on the computer talking to you people. GRR
The other thing she was trying to help with is this excessive sweating I have going on here. Well here's the thing, everything that she told me it might be she can't help with. It could be early menopause, but there's nothing but hormone replacement for that, and well, I'm much too young. She said that it could be a "shread" of manic depression, but frankly I don't agree with her. I don't know maybe she's right, but the point is you can't do much for that either.
I just think that all of this is the RSD. She might agree but she has to rule out other things first. So she told me to get an ultrasound of my pelvis. This included the nurse having to stick the ultrasound up my (insert answer here). Not very far, but far enough to be uncomfortable. Well it was normal, as I thought it would be.
My point in writing this is this: I need to be ok with the fact that the RSD is going to do things to do me that don't make sense and are going to suck (such as the sweating). Maybe that's a good thing, then at least I know there is nothing wrong with me on top of the RSD. I've got enough to deal with just with the RSD.
Well I think I am finally tired (here at 4:39 in the morning) so I'm going to go to sleep. Thanks for listening!
Friday, July 28, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I'm in a pissy, bitter mood. Why am I in a pissy, bitter mood, you ask? Because, I have to go to the dentist. Now I realize that going to the dentist is not on the top of most people's favorite things to do list. However, what you don't understand is this: obviously, going to the dentist causes pain, any pain that a person already is in will be increased by going to the dentist. I am already in a hell of a lot of pain all of the time. Therefore, I'm going to be even more of a hell of a lot of pain before, during, and after I go to the dentist.
I guess I should be explaining why I would be in more pain before I even go to the dentist. The very idea of going to the dentist causes me anxiety. Any anxiety that I have had since I have had RSD turns into, guess what PAIN, so yes, I'm in more pain at even the thought of going to the dentist.
This sux....it hurts to type and there is nothing else to do but to type on this damned computer or go to bed. And lord knows I'm not going to sleep good anyway!
Grrr...
I guess I should be explaining why I would be in more pain before I even go to the dentist. The very idea of going to the dentist causes me anxiety. Any anxiety that I have had since I have had RSD turns into, guess what PAIN, so yes, I'm in more pain at even the thought of going to the dentist.
This sux....it hurts to type and there is nothing else to do but to type on this damned computer or go to bed. And lord knows I'm not going to sleep good anyway!
Grrr...
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
I miss playing in a band. I miss the sound that a good band can make. Sure, I can go out and listen to other people play, but there is nothing like feeling the vibration of your instrument against your lips and knowing that you were part of something so much bigger then yourself.
That may sound like it's a grandiose idea. But until you have been part of a really good concert band or orchestra you can not understand how it feels to have the powerful brass behind you and the flute joining from far away and the drum beat pounding in your veins.
I took out my saxophone the other day and played it. I was really bad at it, let me tell you, but the sheer feeling of the old girl in my hands was wonderful. Oh, and yes, my saxophone does have a personality. At one point I tried getting a different one but it wasn't the same. I realize that you can't make an impression in metal with human fingers, but I swear that that thing knows me and is conformed to me.
Grr I just wish there was a nice big talented band around where I live...
That may sound like it's a grandiose idea. But until you have been part of a really good concert band or orchestra you can not understand how it feels to have the powerful brass behind you and the flute joining from far away and the drum beat pounding in your veins.
I took out my saxophone the other day and played it. I was really bad at it, let me tell you, but the sheer feeling of the old girl in my hands was wonderful. Oh, and yes, my saxophone does have a personality. At one point I tried getting a different one but it wasn't the same. I realize that you can't make an impression in metal with human fingers, but I swear that that thing knows me and is conformed to me.
Grr I just wish there was a nice big talented band around where I live...
Monday, July 24, 2006
Sleeping Blues
You may or may not have noticed that I write a lot of these at night. Basically, that's because the RSD manages to take sleep away from everyone that has it. And I mean everyone. The fact is, I sleep when my body actually feels like doing it. I don't think that I should have to follow a set schedule, basically because there's really no where I have to be. I get things done on my own terms, and work basically by myself. So who's there to answer to but me?
The problem is, a lot of the times I feel like I'm also answering to the RSD. I would like to get my eight ours or more a night, but for some reason, RSD just doesn't want me to do that. But when I don't get sleep, the pain gets worse. This is because when you are in REM (rapid eye movement for those of you who don't know what it is) your body repairs itself. The RSD doesn't allow you to go into REM, causing more pain, which causes less sleep...you get the idea.
My dad tried to give me the "well, I'll let you sleep for an hour, and then I'll get you up so you can sleep tonight. I want to continue talking about sleep, but I have to veer off to the right for a second. I'm so tired of my dad trying to a) do things for me that I don't need him to do (like when I was going to get ahold of OVR [oh, I finally remembered! That stand for Office of Vocational Rehabilitation!] he asked my mom to use the computer so that he could look it up. It's like, why even bother. Sometimes he does it this way, and other times he acts like I've never lived on my own, and that I have to "learn" to do things like make my own food. I don't know how many times I've had to remind him that I have lived alone before! and b) trying to constantly give me rules like I was still in school. I still his daughter, yes, and I get that he worries about me. But getting me up today when I was exhausted, wasn't going to work, and this wasn't the first time he did it.
Sigh...but there is a down side to not sleeping when everyone else does. You don't get to see a lot of people. Still, I have tried to sleep at night, and laying in bed for hours just to have to sleep later doesn't cut it either.
So I guess I am just going to have to sleep when I can. Grr...sometimes I right these things thinking they are going to help me figure them out. And while sometimes they do help, other times, it either makes it worse, or doesn't help at all and I'm right back where I started at the beginning of this entry. That's where I am now.
I think I'll go and at least attempt to sleep. Then maybe I'll actually see people...
The problem is, a lot of the times I feel like I'm also answering to the RSD. I would like to get my eight ours or more a night, but for some reason, RSD just doesn't want me to do that. But when I don't get sleep, the pain gets worse. This is because when you are in REM (rapid eye movement for those of you who don't know what it is) your body repairs itself. The RSD doesn't allow you to go into REM, causing more pain, which causes less sleep...you get the idea.
My dad tried to give me the "well, I'll let you sleep for an hour, and then I'll get you up so you can sleep tonight. I want to continue talking about sleep, but I have to veer off to the right for a second. I'm so tired of my dad trying to a) do things for me that I don't need him to do (like when I was going to get ahold of OVR [oh, I finally remembered! That stand for Office of Vocational Rehabilitation!] he asked my mom to use the computer so that he could look it up. It's like, why even bother. Sometimes he does it this way, and other times he acts like I've never lived on my own, and that I have to "learn" to do things like make my own food. I don't know how many times I've had to remind him that I have lived alone before! and b) trying to constantly give me rules like I was still in school. I still his daughter, yes, and I get that he worries about me. But getting me up today when I was exhausted, wasn't going to work, and this wasn't the first time he did it.
Sigh...but there is a down side to not sleeping when everyone else does. You don't get to see a lot of people. Still, I have tried to sleep at night, and laying in bed for hours just to have to sleep later doesn't cut it either.
So I guess I am just going to have to sleep when I can. Grr...sometimes I right these things thinking they are going to help me figure them out. And while sometimes they do help, other times, it either makes it worse, or doesn't help at all and I'm right back where I started at the beginning of this entry. That's where I am now.
I think I'll go and at least attempt to sleep. Then maybe I'll actually see people...
Friday, July 21, 2006
Rediscovering the musical side of me
If you have been reading some of my more recent posts, you will remember that I went to a benefit earlier this week. You will also remember that I had a really good time at that benefit. It helped me to get out of the house, hang out with some fairly new people, and meet a new friend.
That night helped me to do another thing. It helped me to rediscover the musical side of me. I realized that more then just listening to music, I like to make music, and be a part of music. That night, I picked up my alto saxophone. I had played it all through grammar school (eight years of it at least) and frankly it was looking lonely.
What I'm realizing right now is that during my senior year in high school, music began to be boring. I was about to graduate and realize one of my major dreams of going off to college and I just didn't want much to do with it. I even almost sold my saxophone in order to help a boyfriend I had in college get some money he desperately needed. My parents had the wisdom to give me the money to give to him, saying that they felt that my saxophone was one of the things that got me through high school when the RSD got so bad. What I realize now is that they were right. I would have missed my sax. She is all mine and I have never changed her in all the years I've had her (I got her in the fourth grade so lets see, eight years in grammar school plus four years in college plus one more year...wow...my sax is thirteen years old!) for a very long time and now I want to be able to give it to my children or at least nieces and nephews when I die.
While I haven't played her in almost four years, much of playing the sax seems to be like "ridding a bike" (I never understood that concept. But maybe that is because I always hated ridding a bike). There is still some things I need to reteach myself, but I remember quite a bit. She's a bit run down and rusty, but she's mine and no one can take that away from me. Maybe I should name her. Y'all might think I'm weird but after all this time and the places she has been with me (including five different European countries) she deserves a name. Hmmmm....I'll have to think about what it could be and get back to you.
So I've added a 32nd goal to my list: play my saxophone more, because we both deserve it. I think I will rediscover how much I love music. And, if I don't, at least I'll have fun along the way!
That night helped me to do another thing. It helped me to rediscover the musical side of me. I realized that more then just listening to music, I like to make music, and be a part of music. That night, I picked up my alto saxophone. I had played it all through grammar school (eight years of it at least) and frankly it was looking lonely.
What I'm realizing right now is that during my senior year in high school, music began to be boring. I was about to graduate and realize one of my major dreams of going off to college and I just didn't want much to do with it. I even almost sold my saxophone in order to help a boyfriend I had in college get some money he desperately needed. My parents had the wisdom to give me the money to give to him, saying that they felt that my saxophone was one of the things that got me through high school when the RSD got so bad. What I realize now is that they were right. I would have missed my sax. She is all mine and I have never changed her in all the years I've had her (I got her in the fourth grade so lets see, eight years in grammar school plus four years in college plus one more year...wow...my sax is thirteen years old!) for a very long time and now I want to be able to give it to my children or at least nieces and nephews when I die.
While I haven't played her in almost four years, much of playing the sax seems to be like "ridding a bike" (I never understood that concept. But maybe that is because I always hated ridding a bike). There is still some things I need to reteach myself, but I remember quite a bit. She's a bit run down and rusty, but she's mine and no one can take that away from me. Maybe I should name her. Y'all might think I'm weird but after all this time and the places she has been with me (including five different European countries) she deserves a name. Hmmmm....I'll have to think about what it could be and get back to you.
So I've added a 32nd goal to my list: play my saxophone more, because we both deserve it. I think I will rediscover how much I love music. And, if I don't, at least I'll have fun along the way!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I made a friend!
This is my second blog in one day, and really, I started the one seconds after the other! I had it in my head to do even as I was writing the first one! WOO I HAVE NO LIFE!
Well actually, that's not completely true. The truth is that I just can't sleep at night so I have to do something to keep my mind occupied. Today I went to a coffee house to benefit locally grown food. I had the best time! I listened to a band that was really alternative in nature (not in terms of alternative the genera (spelling, i know) but more in you never heard of this kind of music before. The artists played the digoreedoo (i know, that's way off, don't tell me that in comment because I don't care! Anyway, they played the drums and sang in aboriginal way (people are just going to have to live with my spelling mistakes aren't they? and that includes my own self esteem yelling at it!) and Jamaican way.
During their break, I met the guy in the band that I did not know. We'll call him Uni. He's one of the coolest people I've met since I've been back in Lancaster so far! Great conversationalist, and he really liked talking to me (or so he says)! Imagine that!
After the coffee house I went home and painted because the beat of the drums was in my head and it made me want to paint, and then I practice some deep breathing that I am going to use before each circle calling.
Oh, and I got done some furniture (I am painting it) and the white looks really cool (even better then what I pictured in my head!)! Maybe I am really good at this design thing!
All in all a really cool day!
Well actually, that's not completely true. The truth is that I just can't sleep at night so I have to do something to keep my mind occupied. Today I went to a coffee house to benefit locally grown food. I had the best time! I listened to a band that was really alternative in nature (not in terms of alternative the genera (spelling, i know) but more in you never heard of this kind of music before. The artists played the digoreedoo (i know, that's way off, don't tell me that in comment because I don't care! Anyway, they played the drums and sang in aboriginal way (people are just going to have to live with my spelling mistakes aren't they? and that includes my own self esteem yelling at it!) and Jamaican way.
During their break, I met the guy in the band that I did not know. We'll call him Uni. He's one of the coolest people I've met since I've been back in Lancaster so far! Great conversationalist, and he really liked talking to me (or so he says)! Imagine that!
After the coffee house I went home and painted because the beat of the drums was in my head and it made me want to paint, and then I practice some deep breathing that I am going to use before each circle calling.
Oh, and I got done some furniture (I am painting it) and the white looks really cool (even better then what I pictured in my head!)! Maybe I am really good at this design thing!
All in all a really cool day!
p.s. I checked my spelling with spell check, so the comments about my misspellings don't make sense, I know, but I write this as I'm thinking about it, so deal with it.
My 31 Goals
If you've never been to www.43things.com, I highly recommend it. It lets you put down in a list all of the things you want to do in your life. Now, all of the things I want to do in my life aren't on there right now, frankly I'm still thinking of some of them, but here are 31 of them so far
1. be happy 2. be more confident 3. learn to relax 4. run a successful non-profit 5. have a real job 6. be financially independent 7. join a coven 8. practice spells 9. practice spirituality more 10. Get my Master's Degree 11. go to interior design school 12. understand lancaster better 13. write more and better poems 14. paint a mural 15. Fall in love 16. see tori amos in concert 17. design a room of someone outside my family 18. write a book 19. renovate a home 20. be on a design show 21. go on a cruise 22. donate a large sum of money to charity 23. have an "extreme home" 24. visit hawii 25. own a house 26. dance like nobodies watching 27. put my paintings in a gallery 28. get over my fear of heights 29. read Harry potter 6 30. Research my genealogy 31. kiss a girl.
So there they are, my 31 goals so far. I know that one of them says join a coven even though i haven't technically decided if I'm going to be a witch, and another says practice spells, but I'm pretty much there (I must apologize to the person who told me to talk to him first. I tried to leave a comment so he would talk to me, but he never responded. Besides, I never felt anything close to spritutually whole when I read the bible and learned about christianity, and isn't that the point?
Anyway if you want to comment on those goals please feel free. Otherwise, let it go!
1. be happy 2. be more confident 3. learn to relax 4. run a successful non-profit 5. have a real job 6. be financially independent 7. join a coven 8. practice spells 9. practice spirituality more 10. Get my Master's Degree 11. go to interior design school 12. understand lancaster better 13. write more and better poems 14. paint a mural 15. Fall in love 16. see tori amos in concert 17. design a room of someone outside my family 18. write a book 19. renovate a home 20. be on a design show 21. go on a cruise 22. donate a large sum of money to charity 23. have an "extreme home" 24. visit hawii 25. own a house 26. dance like nobodies watching 27. put my paintings in a gallery 28. get over my fear of heights 29. read Harry potter 6 30. Research my genealogy 31. kiss a girl.
So there they are, my 31 goals so far. I know that one of them says join a coven even though i haven't technically decided if I'm going to be a witch, and another says practice spells, but I'm pretty much there (I must apologize to the person who told me to talk to him first. I tried to leave a comment so he would talk to me, but he never responded. Besides, I never felt anything close to spritutually whole when I read the bible and learned about christianity, and isn't that the point?
Anyway if you want to comment on those goals please feel free. Otherwise, let it go!
Monday, July 17, 2006
On age difference and taking a crap
Two of my friends, Candance and Kyle (actually, Candance isn't exactly my friend, she's more of an ex-friend. Hopefully I won't ever have to talk about that issue). Candance and Kyle are five years apart in age. Candance likes to tell Kyle that even though they are five years apart, that she has dealt with exactly the same kind of experiences that he has. Oh, do I beg to differ.
Reading Tori Amos' "Piece by Piece" (tori is a famous person, she does not need to hide her name) I am learning about the idea that your definition of yourself can change. And this is true isn't it? I mean really, do you like the same things you do now as you did when you were five? When I was five, I was obsessed with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I certainly am not now (though they will always have a special place in my heart). I was thrilled when I met them in Disney World, and of course watched them every Saturday morning on TV. Like I said, I do not do this any more (besides, they aren't on TV).
When Candance was five, Kyle was ten. Now I certainly know how you define yourself definitely changes between the ages of five and ten, but lets look at a more drastic difference: how about fifteen and twenty? Now I got your attention. All those who at twenty would have hung out and had the same thing in common with a fifteen year old? I thought so.
As tori puts it "listen: when you are an icon on the toilet, from the view of the toilet you are no longer an icon, you are just a butt taking a crap".
The point is this: You have to be willing to change your perspective and definition of yourself. Otherwise, one day you are going to say something stupid to someone bigger then you and wind up with a bloody nose. Definitions of one's self must be more fluid, and work with changing times. That's all!
Don't really know why I wanted to write on this, just having a conversation with a friend about it and decided to write on it. So how's that???
Till next time!
Reading Tori Amos' "Piece by Piece" (tori is a famous person, she does not need to hide her name) I am learning about the idea that your definition of yourself can change. And this is true isn't it? I mean really, do you like the same things you do now as you did when you were five? When I was five, I was obsessed with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I certainly am not now (though they will always have a special place in my heart). I was thrilled when I met them in Disney World, and of course watched them every Saturday morning on TV. Like I said, I do not do this any more (besides, they aren't on TV).
When Candance was five, Kyle was ten. Now I certainly know how you define yourself definitely changes between the ages of five and ten, but lets look at a more drastic difference: how about fifteen and twenty? Now I got your attention. All those who at twenty would have hung out and had the same thing in common with a fifteen year old? I thought so.
As tori puts it "listen: when you are an icon on the toilet, from the view of the toilet you are no longer an icon, you are just a butt taking a crap".
The point is this: You have to be willing to change your perspective and definition of yourself. Otherwise, one day you are going to say something stupid to someone bigger then you and wind up with a bloody nose. Definitions of one's self must be more fluid, and work with changing times. That's all!
Don't really know why I wanted to write on this, just having a conversation with a friend about it and decided to write on it. So how's that???
Till next time!
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Friends: Please read the whole way through...
Well it finally happened. I thought about suicide...I mean really thought about it. I was counting some of my meds to see how soon I would have to order more and something in my head said "just do it. it's not worth it anymore." Sigh...I hate that I had the thought. I'm just glad that I still don't want to do it. I really really don't. I'm just really really depressed right now. I want to work so badly it hurts. Yea, I'm doing things to occupy my mind and yea, I'm sort of doing the kind of work that I want to do with the coalition, but it's not real work. I'm not doing it everyday, and someone isn't really counting on me to get done the things that need to be done.
One of the biggest things that keeps me from doing it is my parents. I know that they would litterally die of sadness. Not because I think I'm better then my other sisters, but because if any one of us did that they wouldn't be able to get out of the depression.
This sux. No one is going to belive me when I tell them I really don't want to do this. That I really want to live and thrive and be happy. Maybe I can see if they will belive me if they read this...
One of the biggest things that keeps me from doing it is my parents. I know that they would litterally die of sadness. Not because I think I'm better then my other sisters, but because if any one of us did that they wouldn't be able to get out of the depression.
This sux. No one is going to belive me when I tell them I really don't want to do this. That I really want to live and thrive and be happy. Maybe I can see if they will belive me if they read this...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
what's going on today?
Remember when I said I was voting for someone that wasn't a democrat that believed everything that I did? Well now that's all gone to hell because of something that was just recently told to me. Apparently this person isn't a nice person at all and truly believes many things that are completely different then what he told me he believed. Sigh...I should have known it was too good to be true. A true and honest politician? That's a laugh.
You know what? I'm really tired of making these things just about one topic. It's my blog site right? and I can do with it what I want. Just, not sure what to do with this one now that I got it started. Hmmm...what's going on in my life...I'm in way too much pain but that's a normal thing for me...
Oh! I'm starting my own buisness! Yes that's right you got it. Well it's not really a huge deal, I'm just telling people in my area that I will do their minor sewing work (such as sew a hem, fix a button, that sort of thing) for a small fee. Some people have told me I shouldn't do it because of the RSD (the sewing might cramp up my hands) and frankly they say I won't get a lot of customers anyway.
But isn't that kind of cancelling each other out? If I don't have a lot of clients then my hand wouldn't hurt so much. Still, I use a sewing machine for most jobs, which doesn't take a lot of hand work, mostly just coordination at keeping the fabric going the right direction.
So that's what's going on in my life....hey, what can I say, I live a boring life.
Blessed be!
You know what? I'm really tired of making these things just about one topic. It's my blog site right? and I can do with it what I want. Just, not sure what to do with this one now that I got it started. Hmmm...what's going on in my life...I'm in way too much pain but that's a normal thing for me...
Oh! I'm starting my own buisness! Yes that's right you got it. Well it's not really a huge deal, I'm just telling people in my area that I will do their minor sewing work (such as sew a hem, fix a button, that sort of thing) for a small fee. Some people have told me I shouldn't do it because of the RSD (the sewing might cramp up my hands) and frankly they say I won't get a lot of customers anyway.
But isn't that kind of cancelling each other out? If I don't have a lot of clients then my hand wouldn't hurt so much. Still, I use a sewing machine for most jobs, which doesn't take a lot of hand work, mostly just coordination at keeping the fabric going the right direction.
So that's what's going on in my life....hey, what can I say, I live a boring life.
Blessed be!
Monday, July 10, 2006
THAT MOTHER FUCKING HURTS
Sigh...I have to write about this...so that if some day a certain person...we'll call her candance...who likes to tell me that she knows exactly how bad RSD hurts (remember that names are changed to protected the innocent and SUPPOSEDLY innocent) I want her to imagine carrying around the knifes she's stuck in every friend she's ever had's back for TEN YEARS and then tell me if she feels the same way.
Can you tell I'm in pain today? Grrr...stupid me had to fall down the steps. Thank god I didn't go head first like I almost did.
Anyway it's been a while since I've wrote, but the thing is that I like to have something good on each page and considering each page has five blogs on it, the page isn't going to be a good one. I'm trying, really really hard, to find people like me to hang out with and to be friends with, but after being at the college where I was for so long and having built up long friendships for four years I really forgot how long it takes to make really good friends. It doesn't help that I constantly need a ride and when someone says "oh, meet me here"...I have no idea where any of those places are!
Still, people do want me around to help them with stuff and that really feels good. And hopefully these new connections will lead me to a job.
Grrr...you know what I should be writing about...how everyone (democrats at least) think that just because I am registered democrat, I can't vote for or support anyone else. I registered democrat because they follow my beliefs close enough. But when I find a canadate who follows my beliefs more then the democrat canidate does, i'm going to vote for them. DUH! Ugh, and if it cost me a job, then obviously I didn't really want that job anyway...
Then again, working for the democratic party would help my career. Still, knowing the people that I do know will help as well....grrr...it's a really confusing idea. It's not confusing to rather be working for a canadate who you feels is like you, but what is confusing is seeing what it will do to your career later down the line. Maybe if I tell activist organizations that I worked for the canadate i truly believed in rather then the one who might be able to give me the most money they will see how committed I am. Here's hoping.
Anyway that's what's going on in my life. Looks like I've used up another thing that I thought I could use to ignore my pain. Not that it really did anyway...
Can you tell I'm in pain today? Grrr...stupid me had to fall down the steps. Thank god I didn't go head first like I almost did.
Anyway it's been a while since I've wrote, but the thing is that I like to have something good on each page and considering each page has five blogs on it, the page isn't going to be a good one. I'm trying, really really hard, to find people like me to hang out with and to be friends with, but after being at the college where I was for so long and having built up long friendships for four years I really forgot how long it takes to make really good friends. It doesn't help that I constantly need a ride and when someone says "oh, meet me here"...I have no idea where any of those places are!
Still, people do want me around to help them with stuff and that really feels good. And hopefully these new connections will lead me to a job.
Grrr...you know what I should be writing about...how everyone (democrats at least) think that just because I am registered democrat, I can't vote for or support anyone else. I registered democrat because they follow my beliefs close enough. But when I find a canadate who follows my beliefs more then the democrat canidate does, i'm going to vote for them. DUH! Ugh, and if it cost me a job, then obviously I didn't really want that job anyway...
Then again, working for the democratic party would help my career. Still, knowing the people that I do know will help as well....grrr...it's a really confusing idea. It's not confusing to rather be working for a canadate who you feels is like you, but what is confusing is seeing what it will do to your career later down the line. Maybe if I tell activist organizations that I worked for the canadate i truly believed in rather then the one who might be able to give me the most money they will see how committed I am. Here's hoping.
Anyway that's what's going on in my life. Looks like I've used up another thing that I thought I could use to ignore my pain. Not that it really did anyway...
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Competing Sides in the Same Person, Part II
Alright so it took a little while, but here it is, the second part of my story about my two sides. Now that you know what names I call them, let me get into specifics about their personalities.
If you know anything about astrology, then you probably have already guess what their personalities are. Still, you don't know how they work in my mind, and why they seem to mess me up so bad that I had to devote two entire blogs to them, and big ones at that.
Lets look at the Gemini, because she's often easier to deal with. Gemini is the quieter of my two sides. She is intelligent, like both sides are, and like both sides, she has her own opinions. Unlike Sagittarius, however, she likes to keep her opinions to herself. This is because Gemini is the part of me that wants everyone to be her friend. She would much rather be a member of the political spectrum, and if being a third party doesn't get her enough friends, then she will readily push the objections she has with the democratic party aside, and agree with everything they say. Hmmm...Come to think of it, maybe there is bad sides to Gemini...Maybe if I was completely a Gemini, I wouldn't be as strong as I am in the fact that I can take a republican telling me I hate America. Anyway, Gemini is the part of me who would rather be an interior designer then a lobbyist. There just isn't the same amount of arguments and lost friends in interior design. To tell you the truth, while I'm very glad to have Gemini around in order to keep me sane and not get me into too much trouble. Still, on to Sagittarius.
Sagittarius is just the opposite of almost everything I just said. Despite being extremely intelligent, she often says things long before thinking about them. Sagittarius is the part of me that if someone doesn't like what I do or say, then tough, we don't need them. She is the part that nearly turned me anarchist. Still, it is also Sagittarius who wants to be a lobbyist, and realizes (with Gemini's prodding) that you at least have to believe in a system somewhat before you are going to fight a system. Sagitarius's nickname, or one that she calls her self, to all of her anarchist friends is the "mole from within" the one who takes away the parts of the system that are corrupt from the inside out. After all, you need both. You may think that there are no good sides to Sagittarius, you may say "why do you need her when you've got a perfectly good person in Gemini?". But the truth is, if I was just Gemini, I wouldn't have a backbone. I already let some people walk all over me, if I was just Gemini I would let everyone walk all over me. Even if my dream as Gemini was to be an interior designer, the moment something bad would happen or someone gave a bad review of my work, the moment she would be out the door, never to design anything or create any piece of art ever again. I'm saying a lot about Gemini here, but it says a lot about Sagittarius. She is my rock. The one that I went to when the bill passed the senate in MSL (don't ask, WAY too long of a story), and the one that picked me up, dusted me off, and called Dan a disgrace.
They do work together! I just realized! That was one of those times that they did! The fact that Dan is an ass in session is where Sagittarius shines, and the fact that Gemini recognized that Dan was being a wonderful friend when he offered to change things when I didn't win party leader is where she soars.
But, and it is very hard to write this, there is a darker side to these two sides. Sagittarius is very head strong, and often wants to be the only one who exists, running everything I do. I have to realize that I can't be that person, for I would loose far too many good friends, and gain more enemies then I can count. Gemini, on the other hand, is the one who did not stand up for herself all those years when people made fun of her. She is the one who allowed people to say the things she should have, things she now comes up with...
I guess we all have different sides of us that we use in different situations. They are the "jury" when we say "the jury's still out" on an issue. The problem is not that I name them, the problem comes when I don't name them, and allow them to become me, and thereby controlling everything who I am.
Wow, this is a very long blog! If anyone actually reads this, and I doubt it, congratulations for getting all of the way through. Come to think of it, I should congratulate myself for writing all of this! Anyway, now that that is all out of me, I think I should go back to work. Till next time!
-Me
If you know anything about astrology, then you probably have already guess what their personalities are. Still, you don't know how they work in my mind, and why they seem to mess me up so bad that I had to devote two entire blogs to them, and big ones at that.
Lets look at the Gemini, because she's often easier to deal with. Gemini is the quieter of my two sides. She is intelligent, like both sides are, and like both sides, she has her own opinions. Unlike Sagittarius, however, she likes to keep her opinions to herself. This is because Gemini is the part of me that wants everyone to be her friend. She would much rather be a member of the political spectrum, and if being a third party doesn't get her enough friends, then she will readily push the objections she has with the democratic party aside, and agree with everything they say. Hmmm...Come to think of it, maybe there is bad sides to Gemini...Maybe if I was completely a Gemini, I wouldn't be as strong as I am in the fact that I can take a republican telling me I hate America. Anyway, Gemini is the part of me who would rather be an interior designer then a lobbyist. There just isn't the same amount of arguments and lost friends in interior design. To tell you the truth, while I'm very glad to have Gemini around in order to keep me sane and not get me into too much trouble. Still, on to Sagittarius.
Sagittarius is just the opposite of almost everything I just said. Despite being extremely intelligent, she often says things long before thinking about them. Sagittarius is the part of me that if someone doesn't like what I do or say, then tough, we don't need them. She is the part that nearly turned me anarchist. Still, it is also Sagittarius who wants to be a lobbyist, and realizes (with Gemini's prodding) that you at least have to believe in a system somewhat before you are going to fight a system. Sagitarius's nickname, or one that she calls her self, to all of her anarchist friends is the "mole from within" the one who takes away the parts of the system that are corrupt from the inside out. After all, you need both. You may think that there are no good sides to Sagittarius, you may say "why do you need her when you've got a perfectly good person in Gemini?". But the truth is, if I was just Gemini, I wouldn't have a backbone. I already let some people walk all over me, if I was just Gemini I would let everyone walk all over me. Even if my dream as Gemini was to be an interior designer, the moment something bad would happen or someone gave a bad review of my work, the moment she would be out the door, never to design anything or create any piece of art ever again. I'm saying a lot about Gemini here, but it says a lot about Sagittarius. She is my rock. The one that I went to when the bill passed the senate in MSL (don't ask, WAY too long of a story), and the one that picked me up, dusted me off, and called Dan a disgrace.
They do work together! I just realized! That was one of those times that they did! The fact that Dan is an ass in session is where Sagittarius shines, and the fact that Gemini recognized that Dan was being a wonderful friend when he offered to change things when I didn't win party leader is where she soars.
But, and it is very hard to write this, there is a darker side to these two sides. Sagittarius is very head strong, and often wants to be the only one who exists, running everything I do. I have to realize that I can't be that person, for I would loose far too many good friends, and gain more enemies then I can count. Gemini, on the other hand, is the one who did not stand up for herself all those years when people made fun of her. She is the one who allowed people to say the things she should have, things she now comes up with...
I guess we all have different sides of us that we use in different situations. They are the "jury" when we say "the jury's still out" on an issue. The problem is not that I name them, the problem comes when I don't name them, and allow them to become me, and thereby controlling everything who I am.
Wow, this is a very long blog! If anyone actually reads this, and I doubt it, congratulations for getting all of the way through. Come to think of it, I should congratulate myself for writing all of this! Anyway, now that that is all out of me, I think I should go back to work. Till next time!
-Me
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Competing Sides in the Same Person
I have no idea how to write this. The truth is, I'm not sure if I even want to talk about it at all, for fear that I will be laughed out of blogger. But is that really possible? I really shouldn't care what other people think, but yet at the same time I do....Ugh...And there in lies the problem
I know what your thinking, and no, this is not a post about whether or not I should care what other people think. This is a post about the two sides of my brain; the left, and the right, the Sagittarius and the Gemini. These two argue now stop with each other, and are the prime reason if not the only reason I can't sleep at night. You may be thinking "now I know she's crazy, I mean, aren't people that hear voices crazy?" And that's not what I'm talking about. I do not have, have never had, nor ever will have, schizophrenia. I know people that have this, and quite literally, I at times believe it is worse then the RSD. The person that has this disagrees with me, and says neither is better or worse, they are just different, but I don't know. Somehow the idea of hearing voices in your head telling you to do horrible things to yourself and others just seems well...horrible. There is enough people in this world who try to destroy people, let alone a person wanting to destroy themselves.
What I'm talking about are the two main types of "hats" that I wear. As I said before, I call the one Sagittarius, and the other, Gemini. This is done for very specific reasons. If you don't know anything about astrology, let me explain.
Many people think that because newspaper and teen magazine horoscopes are so often wrong, that astrology must not be a real or good thing to study. What most people do not understand is that what people are asking when they say "what's your sign" (it's a stupid pick up line in my book, so don't ever try to do ask, because I'll come back to you with "my sun sign is Sagittarius while my rising sign is Gemini) they are talking about your sun sign. This is because the sun only moves into new houses (new signs) once a month on a pretty much set schedule. Your sun sign is an extremely important part of who you are, but not all of who you are. My sun sign, as you read above, is Sagittarius.
Then there is your rising sign. Your rising sign and your sun sign work together to make a basic outline of a person. My rising sign is Gemini. Now, if you don't understand the problem here, let me explain. Gemini and Sagittarius are what's called polar opposites, meaning they are on the opposite end of the sign chart (they are six months apart). This makes any relationship where the two of them must work together extremely difficult.
Well, unfortunately my RSD keeps me up at all hours, and any time I feel I can get any amount of sleep I should do it. Therefore I will finish this idea in another blog, or part two of "competing sides in the same person". See you there!
me
I know what your thinking, and no, this is not a post about whether or not I should care what other people think. This is a post about the two sides of my brain; the left, and the right, the Sagittarius and the Gemini. These two argue now stop with each other, and are the prime reason if not the only reason I can't sleep at night. You may be thinking "now I know she's crazy, I mean, aren't people that hear voices crazy?" And that's not what I'm talking about. I do not have, have never had, nor ever will have, schizophrenia. I know people that have this, and quite literally, I at times believe it is worse then the RSD. The person that has this disagrees with me, and says neither is better or worse, they are just different, but I don't know. Somehow the idea of hearing voices in your head telling you to do horrible things to yourself and others just seems well...horrible. There is enough people in this world who try to destroy people, let alone a person wanting to destroy themselves.
What I'm talking about are the two main types of "hats" that I wear. As I said before, I call the one Sagittarius, and the other, Gemini. This is done for very specific reasons. If you don't know anything about astrology, let me explain.
Many people think that because newspaper and teen magazine horoscopes are so often wrong, that astrology must not be a real or good thing to study. What most people do not understand is that what people are asking when they say "what's your sign" (it's a stupid pick up line in my book, so don't ever try to do ask, because I'll come back to you with "my sun sign is Sagittarius while my rising sign is Gemini) they are talking about your sun sign. This is because the sun only moves into new houses (new signs) once a month on a pretty much set schedule. Your sun sign is an extremely important part of who you are, but not all of who you are. My sun sign, as you read above, is Sagittarius.
Then there is your rising sign. Your rising sign and your sun sign work together to make a basic outline of a person. My rising sign is Gemini. Now, if you don't understand the problem here, let me explain. Gemini and Sagittarius are what's called polar opposites, meaning they are on the opposite end of the sign chart (they are six months apart). This makes any relationship where the two of them must work together extremely difficult.
Well, unfortunately my RSD keeps me up at all hours, and any time I feel I can get any amount of sleep I should do it. Therefore I will finish this idea in another blog, or part two of "competing sides in the same person". See you there!
me
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