There is a voice inside my head that won't go away. Most of the time, especially those times when I am actually busy enough to ignore it, I have even believed it goes away. Then when I am all alone or have pms or hurting or just am tired of dealing with everything it comes back.
This voice wants me to kill myself. This voice is also the one that tells me that everyone who tells me they love me is lying, that I would be better off going through life without any contact with another human being, ever. I call it Sagitarius simply because part of those traits are Sagitarius traits. The idea that I can do things alone, the idea of being firery inside and not caring what other people think. But, if you keep reading this you will also find there is another side, called Gemini. Gemini constantly wants to be around people. She is happiest with friends, and likes to entertain. I believe she is also the one that is keeping me from hurting myself.
I don't want to die. I want to LIVE and THRIVE. You may think that I'm thinking this way because I had a bad day. But the truth is I didn't. I had a meeting where people told me they were very glad to have me around. I talked to a friend who tells me he loves me. I want to be hear for them and so much more. I don't know what to do. HELP!!!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Step number 5 of 564
Boy, I don't think I've ever gone this long with out writing an entry! This isn't because things haven't been going on in my life, or because I haven't had time to write on here...it's just because...well...really I don't have an excuse.
So what's going on in my life? Well first, there's the process of trying to get a job. I titled this entry the way I did because that's the way I am feeling about trying to get this job. I will be working with the IRS, and because that's part of the government, I have to jump through like a million hoops just to be considered for the job. What have I done so far? Well I filled out the application just to be a part of OVR (office of vocational rehabilitation), told the job I was interested, got in contact with them, received the background check, filled it out, told the company I filled it out, went over it with them, and finally sent the package in.
Whew! Seems like after all that, they would be begging me to take the job, but noooo...now I have to wait up to FORTY FIVE DAYS before the government can make sure my background check comes out perfect. Then I have to get all of the necessary equipment (including a headset phone since I will be working with both the computer and the phone at the same time doing customer service), take training, and finally be approved. Then and only then will I be allowed to take the job.
You'd think that after all that, I'd be guaranteed to keep the job. But again, nooo...if I don't work enough hours (15-20) a week the job could still fire me. Or if I make too much money ($860 a month) I won't be able to apply for social security. While at first this might seem like it makes sense, since I'll have a job, I won't need to have social security, but have you ever done the math as to how much money $860 is a year? It's only about $10,000! Who in today's world really lives off that? And I know I won't be able to work more then the required 15-20, if that, so I won't be able to make much more then $860 a month anyway...
God I hope this all works out...it would be really nice to have my own job, to be making my own money so I don't have to ask to borrow it all the time. Mom says if the job doesn't work out her and my dad might pay me a certain amount of money a month that would be mine to keep. It's a good idea, but it's still very close to asking them for money every month, and that's always degrading.
What else is going on? I continue to work at being a better Pagan. There are many things that are still standing in my way of relaxing to the point that I would be able to make good magic happen. The biggest of these things is my lack of self esteem. And talk about steps. Do you know how hard it is to build back up a self esteem if you lost it many many years ago?
One other thing I trying to learn how to do is be a good artist, in all the ways that I am one right now. That includes working with fabric, painting, drawing, and my interest in interior design. I found a web site called Nekobox that will give you a tutorial on how to draw people really well. If you go to www.goodsearch.com and type in "Fighting "4" Us" in the "I'm supporting" box and press verify and then search for Nekobox you will be giving a penny to Fighting "4" Us without opening your wallet! (tee hee, I needed to put in a little plug there lol).
Speaking of Fighting "4" Us, we need money, desperately. Did anyone out there know that a web designer cost so much money? I didn't, and even the person I have now is drastically reducing her price (she's only charging me 50 dollars a month where she and other places usually charge 70 for up keep), I still need a way to pay her! Grrr!
Wow, I think this is the longest blog yet! If you read this, then you really do care about me! That, or you are like me and have nothing else to do at four-twenty in the morning :). I'll sign off for now, so you don't need to read anymore! Blessed be!
So what's going on in my life? Well first, there's the process of trying to get a job. I titled this entry the way I did because that's the way I am feeling about trying to get this job. I will be working with the IRS, and because that's part of the government, I have to jump through like a million hoops just to be considered for the job. What have I done so far? Well I filled out the application just to be a part of OVR (office of vocational rehabilitation), told the job I was interested, got in contact with them, received the background check, filled it out, told the company I filled it out, went over it with them, and finally sent the package in.
Whew! Seems like after all that, they would be begging me to take the job, but noooo...now I have to wait up to FORTY FIVE DAYS before the government can make sure my background check comes out perfect. Then I have to get all of the necessary equipment (including a headset phone since I will be working with both the computer and the phone at the same time doing customer service), take training, and finally be approved. Then and only then will I be allowed to take the job.
You'd think that after all that, I'd be guaranteed to keep the job. But again, nooo...if I don't work enough hours (15-20) a week the job could still fire me. Or if I make too much money ($860 a month) I won't be able to apply for social security. While at first this might seem like it makes sense, since I'll have a job, I won't need to have social security, but have you ever done the math as to how much money $860 is a year? It's only about $10,000! Who in today's world really lives off that? And I know I won't be able to work more then the required 15-20, if that, so I won't be able to make much more then $860 a month anyway...
God I hope this all works out...it would be really nice to have my own job, to be making my own money so I don't have to ask to borrow it all the time. Mom says if the job doesn't work out her and my dad might pay me a certain amount of money a month that would be mine to keep. It's a good idea, but it's still very close to asking them for money every month, and that's always degrading.
What else is going on? I continue to work at being a better Pagan. There are many things that are still standing in my way of relaxing to the point that I would be able to make good magic happen. The biggest of these things is my lack of self esteem. And talk about steps. Do you know how hard it is to build back up a self esteem if you lost it many many years ago?
One other thing I trying to learn how to do is be a good artist, in all the ways that I am one right now. That includes working with fabric, painting, drawing, and my interest in interior design. I found a web site called Nekobox that will give you a tutorial on how to draw people really well. If you go to www.goodsearch.com and type in "Fighting "4" Us" in the "I'm supporting" box and press verify and then search for Nekobox you will be giving a penny to Fighting "4" Us without opening your wallet! (tee hee, I needed to put in a little plug there lol).
Speaking of Fighting "4" Us, we need money, desperately. Did anyone out there know that a web designer cost so much money? I didn't, and even the person I have now is drastically reducing her price (she's only charging me 50 dollars a month where she and other places usually charge 70 for up keep), I still need a way to pay her! Grrr!
Wow, I think this is the longest blog yet! If you read this, then you really do care about me! That, or you are like me and have nothing else to do at four-twenty in the morning :). I'll sign off for now, so you don't need to read anymore! Blessed be!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Someone wants to hold me.
Someone wants to hold me and the world tells me it's wrong. Someone wants to hold me and feel every crevice so that I know for a fact that he believes I'm beautiful. He wants to show me that he loves my body and he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful both inside and out.
I don't know what to do. I thought I had the answer. I thought I was going to tell him no more, but the truth is that I can't the honest truth is that my heart is too fragile not to want to allow him to take me in his arms and show me how he feels. The other thing is, in my heart of hearts, I know that if he were here right now, I would let him do it and feel good afterwards. The sheer fact that he's not her makes me cry.
Why can't I believe that I am a beautiful person. Why am I always telling myself that everything is my fault? Why can't I accept that I am a good person with only the best of intentions? I don't know anymore and it's driving me crazy. Please please please, if anyone knows or understands what this is like I would like to hear from you. Thank you and blessed be.
I don't know what to do. I thought I had the answer. I thought I was going to tell him no more, but the truth is that I can't the honest truth is that my heart is too fragile not to want to allow him to take me in his arms and show me how he feels. The other thing is, in my heart of hearts, I know that if he were here right now, I would let him do it and feel good afterwards. The sheer fact that he's not her makes me cry.
Why can't I believe that I am a beautiful person. Why am I always telling myself that everything is my fault? Why can't I accept that I am a good person with only the best of intentions? I don't know anymore and it's driving me crazy. Please please please, if anyone knows or understands what this is like I would like to hear from you. Thank you and blessed be.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I want to be held
Tomorrow (now that it is officially Sunday I guess I should put it this way) it will be September 11. The day that the whole world seemed to collapse around us. The day that will live on in infamy. But for some people September 11th makes them more sad then other people. These could be the fire fighters and police men who lost friends in the buildings, or perhaps people who lost loved ones. I do not pretend to know what these people are going through, but I to morn September 11th unlike most people.
When that day happened I was in college, very much alone, hurting, and very depressed. When the planes hit, something in my mind broke, and two days later I had a nervous break down. I just couldn't handle the pain anymore. I didn't want to be at college, I didn't want to be at home, I didn't want to be anywhere. I was tired of hurting.
Five years later, I am still hurting, and still very lonely. I don't know how to forgive myself for what I must have done to my parents. I am going to see a shrink soon, but it just can't seem to get here fast enough. Do I want to commit suicide? I think about it everyday, yes; but more then anything I want to live. I want to work and have friends and be in love.
I'm tired of feeling like I am the only one in the world who feels this way. I know there are more people out there with RSD, but right now I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. Or if I do, they are all "out there", in other states. I need to be held and told I'm not a bad person. Grah. I thought writing it out would help but it's not.
Blessed be
When that day happened I was in college, very much alone, hurting, and very depressed. When the planes hit, something in my mind broke, and two days later I had a nervous break down. I just couldn't handle the pain anymore. I didn't want to be at college, I didn't want to be at home, I didn't want to be anywhere. I was tired of hurting.
Five years later, I am still hurting, and still very lonely. I don't know how to forgive myself for what I must have done to my parents. I am going to see a shrink soon, but it just can't seem to get here fast enough. Do I want to commit suicide? I think about it everyday, yes; but more then anything I want to live. I want to work and have friends and be in love.
I'm tired of feeling like I am the only one in the world who feels this way. I know there are more people out there with RSD, but right now I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. Or if I do, they are all "out there", in other states. I need to be held and told I'm not a bad person. Grah. I thought writing it out would help but it's not.
Blessed be
Friday, September 01, 2006
I'M A PAGAN!
Well it finally happened. I finally celebrated that I decided to go Pagan. And while I did take a year to study it, there is so many other things that has led up to this moment, I can not begin to put them all in a blog.
For a long time, I was very scared of Pagans. for about eight months during and immediately following my senior year of high school I dated a boy who claimed to be a druid (a type of Pagan). Trust me when I say that his version of Paganism is a very scary thing. I have since learned that what he truly is is a devil worshiper, something that is definitely not Pagan (stay tooned for a lesson on how to tell the difference in the symbol!).
Still, I have always had a love of things that one would find in a store that sells to Witches, such as long flowing skirts, big beautiful cloth wall hangings, and the like. And when I lived in Frederick there was a store downtown that I fondly refer to as "the little Witch shop" (it was actually called As You Wish) because it was just so cute and tiny that carried all of those things, and just happened to have lots of books on being a Pagan. You may or may not believe me, but before I was strong enough to deal with the memory of Pig (that's what I'm calling him, and trust me, that's being nice...he's not innocent) I could actually feel him in the room. There is something that I believe in where a person can project to somewhere they are not. To this day I still wonder if he tries to find me by projecting. Maybe it's all in my head, but the memory of this man is something that I take lightly.
Then came the summer when I went to a Pagan festival. That was the day that I was able to throw my head back and laugh, realizing that Pig had no idea what he was talking about. That was the day I decided to take a year to study Paganism. I collected book, wrote about it and thought about it pretty much everyday. I am not a person who chooses their religion, as I think many people do. I wanted to choose something that not only made the most sense to me, but also fit into my idea of humanity at large.
While I was studying, I made sure I kept one rule in mind: if I'm going to choose ANY religion, it has to agree to my beliefs in the human spirit. Then I came across something that said that the first rule of Paganism is to harm none. Well that took care of that worry. But would I be able to do it? Even after choosing a religion, I believe you should dedicate yourself to it, trying to know all that you can about it, and really be into it; otherwise you are just telling yourself you are something your not. I then realized that Paganism is very much a "work at your own pace" kind of religion. It is one that believes in much study, and while it does believe in the possibility of making magick happen, it also believes that only with much training will it work completely and the way you want it to.
Paganism works for me. It feels good, and that's really all that should matter. Celebrating that good feeling seemed something that would be an obvious thing to do. A friend of mine joined and we had good food. I went out to lunch with my friend (we'll call him Blaine) and roasted marshmallows over my dad's fire pit. It was a good day, and now I know I made the right move.
A word on types of magick and the difference in a Pagan and a Devil worshipers symbols. First, there are people who claim to be Pagan that practice what is called black magick. Black magick is magick that is done for evil In my opinion people who practice black magic are not real Pagan's because of the first rule of Paganism is to harm none. Magick that is good is known as white magick. It is meant to help, not harm people and the person that performs the magick.
Second, a Pagan and a devil worshipers symbol are very similar. The Pagan symbol is known as a Pentagram. It is a star with a circle around it. What is important in the difference in the symbols between it and Devil worshipers is both the circle (a Devil worshipers symbol does not have a circle) and the fifth point (the one that is pointed up). In a Pentagram, the fifth point is pointing up. In a Devil worshipers symbol (I don't know what they call it, I'm not a Devil worshiper), the fifth point is pointing down.
Thanks for reading all of this and coming along as I tell you how I celebrated becoming a Pagan and why I am a Pagan in the first place. I hoped you learned something, and I'm sorry it's so long!
For a long time, I was very scared of Pagans. for about eight months during and immediately following my senior year of high school I dated a boy who claimed to be a druid (a type of Pagan). Trust me when I say that his version of Paganism is a very scary thing. I have since learned that what he truly is is a devil worshiper, something that is definitely not Pagan (stay tooned for a lesson on how to tell the difference in the symbol!).
Still, I have always had a love of things that one would find in a store that sells to Witches, such as long flowing skirts, big beautiful cloth wall hangings, and the like. And when I lived in Frederick there was a store downtown that I fondly refer to as "the little Witch shop" (it was actually called As You Wish) because it was just so cute and tiny that carried all of those things, and just happened to have lots of books on being a Pagan. You may or may not believe me, but before I was strong enough to deal with the memory of Pig (that's what I'm calling him, and trust me, that's being nice...he's not innocent) I could actually feel him in the room. There is something that I believe in where a person can project to somewhere they are not. To this day I still wonder if he tries to find me by projecting. Maybe it's all in my head, but the memory of this man is something that I take lightly.
Then came the summer when I went to a Pagan festival. That was the day that I was able to throw my head back and laugh, realizing that Pig had no idea what he was talking about. That was the day I decided to take a year to study Paganism. I collected book, wrote about it and thought about it pretty much everyday. I am not a person who chooses their religion, as I think many people do. I wanted to choose something that not only made the most sense to me, but also fit into my idea of humanity at large.
While I was studying, I made sure I kept one rule in mind: if I'm going to choose ANY religion, it has to agree to my beliefs in the human spirit. Then I came across something that said that the first rule of Paganism is to harm none. Well that took care of that worry. But would I be able to do it? Even after choosing a religion, I believe you should dedicate yourself to it, trying to know all that you can about it, and really be into it; otherwise you are just telling yourself you are something your not. I then realized that Paganism is very much a "work at your own pace" kind of religion. It is one that believes in much study, and while it does believe in the possibility of making magick happen, it also believes that only with much training will it work completely and the way you want it to.
Paganism works for me. It feels good, and that's really all that should matter. Celebrating that good feeling seemed something that would be an obvious thing to do. A friend of mine joined and we had good food. I went out to lunch with my friend (we'll call him Blaine) and roasted marshmallows over my dad's fire pit. It was a good day, and now I know I made the right move.
A word on types of magick and the difference in a Pagan and a Devil worshipers symbols. First, there are people who claim to be Pagan that practice what is called black magick. Black magick is magick that is done for evil In my opinion people who practice black magic are not real Pagan's because of the first rule of Paganism is to harm none. Magick that is good is known as white magick. It is meant to help, not harm people and the person that performs the magick.
Second, a Pagan and a devil worshipers symbol are very similar. The Pagan symbol is known as a Pentagram. It is a star with a circle around it. What is important in the difference in the symbols between it and Devil worshipers is both the circle (a Devil worshipers symbol does not have a circle) and the fifth point (the one that is pointed up). In a Pentagram, the fifth point is pointing up. In a Devil worshipers symbol (I don't know what they call it, I'm not a Devil worshiper), the fifth point is pointing down.
Thanks for reading all of this and coming along as I tell you how I celebrated becoming a Pagan and why I am a Pagan in the first place. I hoped you learned something, and I'm sorry it's so long!
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