I want to be held

Tomorrow (now that it is officially Sunday I guess I should put it this way) it will be September 11. The day that the whole world seemed to collapse around us. The day that will live on in infamy. But for some people September 11th makes them more sad then other people. These could be the fire fighters and police men who lost friends in the buildings, or perhaps people who lost loved ones. I do not pretend to know what these people are going through, but I to morn September 11th unlike most people.

When that day happened I was in college, very much alone, hurting, and very depressed. When the planes hit, something in my mind broke, and two days later I had a nervous break down. I just couldn't handle the pain anymore. I didn't want to be at college, I didn't want to be at home, I didn't want to be anywhere. I was tired of hurting.

Five years later, I am still hurting, and still very lonely. I don't know how to forgive myself for what I must have done to my parents. I am going to see a shrink soon, but it just can't seem to get here fast enough. Do I want to commit suicide? I think about it everyday, yes; but more then anything I want to live. I want to work and have friends and be in love.

I'm tired of feeling like I am the only one in the world who feels this way. I know there are more people out there with RSD, but right now I feel like I don't have a friend in the world. Or if I do, they are all "out there", in other states. I need to be held and told I'm not a bad person. Grah. I thought writing it out would help but it's not.

Blessed be