You may or may not have noticed that I don't talk about this on here. That isn't because I don't think about it. Far from it. In fact I think about it so much that like an idiot it keeps me up at night. I used to think that asking whether you are in love or not is like asking whether or not you lost your virginity; if you don't know, you haven't or you aren't. But the truth is that I don't know.
I know what your thinking about...the "do they make you smile every time you see them?" kinds of questions are coming into your head right? Well unfortunately it's not that simple. You see, I don't see these people every day. As a matter of fact, it's been months since I've seen them and it will probably be years till I see them again, if ever again. You may be thinking that I can't be in love with more then one person at the same time. If I ever believed that then I really was stupid, or at least naive. You can be in love with more then one person, as a matter of fact, you can be "in like" with many people. Allow me to explain my current situation by telling you about the men in my life.
First, there's Kyle. Kyle is the most...god I want to say screwed up relationship because that may be what everyone else calls it but the thing is I don't. Yes, I did help him cheat on his wife. Yes, he does have many health problems. However, where the love comes from is in the fact that we understand each other on such an intimate level (and no, this has nothing to do with physically, I'm talking understanding each other on an emotional...almost spiritual level. We've been through so much together...I'm not going to justify this by saying that we didn't actually have intercourse, which we didn't. The truth is that I don't really care what the people reading this think. This is my diary, my place to be me (hence the former title). I guess what I'm saying is that I don't' think I ever want to be with him on a boyfriend/girlfriend husband/wife level. I don't think I could handle it...because of how emotionally fragile we both are. What I love so deeply about him is that I can be one hundred percent myself. I can let him hold me or even make me a little horny and it's ok. There is no one like that where I live and I feel so lost without it some moments it's unbearable. I guess that's why I'm thinking about "talking dirty" with Luke. He's the closest thing I've got to that kind of friend...anyway...I'm talking about Kyle right now. The point is that I'm alone and scared and the RSD and not having a job is just...god...impossible sometimes.....come to think of it...that's what makes the next guy feel even worse. The fact that (as far as I still know) he's single...
Paul has been my friend now for nearly five years. He started out by telling me he felt nothing towards me physically, but that went to hell one day in Maryland. I don't have the finger power right now to get into that story, especially since I want to talk about other things, but the point to that day is not that that was the first time we did anything physical, but that that was the incident that brought us closer together then any other incident. He is now admitting to the fact at he is at least sexually attracted to me but says he doesn't feel as emotionally close to me as I feel to him. I don't know he says that, but the way he looks at me sometimes I almost want to scream "I KNOW YOUR LYING! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF AND TO ME!!!" The sad part is: he's even asked me to have sex with him. The reason I didn't let him was because he wanted to do it with no strings attached, and I just couldn't. That didn't stop us, however, the last time we were together, from fooling around. The eyes he gave me that night are the eyes I keep remembering. The eyes that say "god your beautiful". He even asked if I had lingerie. Unfortunately I didn't. This may sound stupid, but the thing is I may not be able to be with him fully, but that doesn't mean that I don't love remembering those eyes. I don't have the self esteem not to love those eyes. They are what keep me believing that someone thinks I'm beautiful. God...I want to feel special again.
So I know you are on the edge of your seat wondering about Luke right? LOL...like anyone really cares about my love life...anyway Luke is a guy that has RSD just like me. The problem is that I am in Pennsylvania and he's guess where....California. We haven't talked about anything remotely sexual when it comes to the two of us, only talking about other relationships we've had. Plus, we barely know each other. Still, we find ourselves finishing each other sentences. The two of us hardly ever sleep due to our RSD and we relax each other. Just last night we talked for more then an hour and BOTH OF US ended up falling right to sleep. I know I am not in love with Luke yet, but the friendship is going so fast....I'm very scared of feeling this thing I can only call love with him. Yet at the same time, the fact that we talk nearly every night makes it somewhat easier.
I want to say love sux and call the whole thing off...but I can't. I keep remembering the good times I've had with these men. They are amazing people and I've had amazing times with them....I guess for now this is where the rant has to end.
I hope I have good news soon...
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Who I am and What I want to be
This may or may not be extremely long. It depends on how long my fingers will hold out. Still, unless you have a lot of time on your hands and are really interested in hearing what I have to say, I would either read this in pieces or not at all. I'm flattered when anyone does read this, but really...Everyone has their limits.
When ever I write in here I'm not exactly sure what is going to come out. I just let myself talk and type exactly what I'm saying. Well, not exactly, but close enough. Still, this post could be the hardest I've had to write thus far...Simply because I'm not completely sure who I am...And I'm definitely not sure what I want to be. Still, I want to write this...Simply because I'm always thinking about it and it's always on my mind. Maybe it will become something that I write about every now and then, as I think of more things to say or change what I wrote. Actually, what makes sense is that it's kind of a add on to the already two introductions I have written of myself. Whatever it is, I want to write it, so that's what I'm going to do.
I'm a twenty something white women from the east coast of the United States of America. Despite what you may think, that's saying a lot. It has a huge affect on everything I do, say, think, feel, and believe. I guess this is why I say that the idea that "sociology is crap" makes me so sick to my stomach. How can you not look at that sentence and already sort of know what kind of person I am, or at least what kind of person I could be. Simply because I live on the east coast means that I know the seasons very well. Living in America, well, that carries a whole bunch of stereotypes and "because of's" with it now doesn't it? Being white, despite what a whole lot of people (far too many in my opinion) has a huge impact on how easily I can get places, what I can be, and what kind of attitude someone might give me in certain places. God...All this stuff to think about....Dare I go on???
I am bisexual person. Wow, I said that out loud. This is extremely hard for me to write about for two reasons. One, I have never actually experience being with another women. Some may say "then you don't know if you are truly bisexual" and I disagree. For those who know what the "Kinsey scale" is, I say not having been with a women keeps me from knowing exactly what "number" I am. The second reason why it's hard for me to say should not be an issue. Yet it is...Despite the wall that keeps my identity a secret called the internet, I could still receive some harsh criticism. I could be harassed. Still, I believe that we need to face those kinds of people and sayings head on. By keeping it in the closet I am allowing those type of people to get to me, and that's not something I'm prepared to live with.
The next thing I'm going to say needs a little background. I am applying for social security because of my disability and because of that, I am sent to many doctors by the government. These doctors then examine me and make a report that the social security office then uses to decide if I can receive benefits or not. I have found out that by talking to a shrink who was evaluating me, that the shrink who evaluated me wrote down that I "possibly had situational depression due to my illness". There is no doubt in this new shrink's or my mind that I do have depression, whether or not it being due to just the illness is still a matter of debate. I think that the former shrink may have not been sure of whether or not I have depression due to the fact that I told him I am not suicidal; but I think he misinterpreted that. I am not not suicidal because I don't have depression, I am not suicidal because my depression comes from the fact that I so desperately want to live. I want to thrive and show who I am to the world and the fact that the rsd is keeping me from doing that makes me very sad. Yes, for a very long time that made me suicidal. But I have come out of that to realize that I need to fight for my life, and that simply killing myself is letting the rsd win. I also know that there is a purpose for me in this world, and nothing will keep me from that purpose, especially not the rsd.
Now I will go into what I want to be.
From the time I was a very little girl, I have felt out of place. I have always felt like I was born in the wrong generation. My friends have always been older than me and now that I am in my twenties I am finding myself only now feeling like I fit in. This may be taken the wrong way. I never felt that I was smarter then the people my age, far from it. I never felt superior to them. I simply found that I somehow could not carry a conversation with them, that somehow the things and ideas I wanted to talk about were not the same things that the people I went to school with wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about social issues and have long debates and conversations on things going on in the world. What frustrated me more was that I did not have the words to make these conversations. I find myself breathing a sigh of relief that now I do.
Now that I can use these words and ideas, however, I find that simply talking about them in everyday life does not work. This is why I feel I must be meant to help change and shape social policy. You may say that then I should be a politician. My belief in certain issues, however, is so strong that I feel I would not be able to vote the way my constituents would want me to if they had feelings toward a issue or bill that I disagreed with. As I have said many times "even if I was voted into office, I wouldn't be their very long.
This is why I want to work in non-profits and lobbying organizations. Again, this career would have to be very specific for me. I would not, for any amount of money, work in an organization who's cause I did not believe in. I've been told many times that everyone has a price. Trust me when I say that non-profits and lobbying organizations could not pay me that price, they would be immediately out of business. You could say that maybe I could work for them one week or one month or whatever the pay period was and then leave after I was paid that amount of money. I even thought this myself. But even working one day for an organization I did not believe in would be furthering their cause. One phone answered, one paper written would be one less thing that company would not have to do, and I just can't do that to myself. I would go home and throw up every night. I feel that strongly about it.
I can almost hear the "yea right....No one is like this" I am here to tell you that I am and hopefully I always will be. I can't be myself any other way.
I will continue to fight for who and what I am so long as I can consciously move a finger. Yes, things can change, but I do not see them changing so drastically that all of this would be different. One thing that could change is that maybe one day I will be suicidal again. That idea makes me sick to my stomach. Being that way is a horrible way to live. Still, I think we all have a point where we just say enough. I think DNR's exist for just that reason.
This, however, is an issue for another moment and another blog. My point is this: This is who and what I am right now, and concentrating the what if's will get you no where. So take me as I am or don't, but this is who I am and what I want to be.
When ever I write in here I'm not exactly sure what is going to come out. I just let myself talk and type exactly what I'm saying. Well, not exactly, but close enough. Still, this post could be the hardest I've had to write thus far...Simply because I'm not completely sure who I am...And I'm definitely not sure what I want to be. Still, I want to write this...Simply because I'm always thinking about it and it's always on my mind. Maybe it will become something that I write about every now and then, as I think of more things to say or change what I wrote. Actually, what makes sense is that it's kind of a add on to the already two introductions I have written of myself. Whatever it is, I want to write it, so that's what I'm going to do.
I'm a twenty something white women from the east coast of the United States of America. Despite what you may think, that's saying a lot. It has a huge affect on everything I do, say, think, feel, and believe. I guess this is why I say that the idea that "sociology is crap" makes me so sick to my stomach. How can you not look at that sentence and already sort of know what kind of person I am, or at least what kind of person I could be. Simply because I live on the east coast means that I know the seasons very well. Living in America, well, that carries a whole bunch of stereotypes and "because of's" with it now doesn't it? Being white, despite what a whole lot of people (far too many in my opinion) has a huge impact on how easily I can get places, what I can be, and what kind of attitude someone might give me in certain places. God...All this stuff to think about....Dare I go on???
I am bisexual person. Wow, I said that out loud. This is extremely hard for me to write about for two reasons. One, I have never actually experience being with another women. Some may say "then you don't know if you are truly bisexual" and I disagree. For those who know what the "Kinsey scale" is, I say not having been with a women keeps me from knowing exactly what "number" I am. The second reason why it's hard for me to say should not be an issue. Yet it is...Despite the wall that keeps my identity a secret called the internet, I could still receive some harsh criticism. I could be harassed. Still, I believe that we need to face those kinds of people and sayings head on. By keeping it in the closet I am allowing those type of people to get to me, and that's not something I'm prepared to live with.
The next thing I'm going to say needs a little background. I am applying for social security because of my disability and because of that, I am sent to many doctors by the government. These doctors then examine me and make a report that the social security office then uses to decide if I can receive benefits or not. I have found out that by talking to a shrink who was evaluating me, that the shrink who evaluated me wrote down that I "possibly had situational depression due to my illness". There is no doubt in this new shrink's or my mind that I do have depression, whether or not it being due to just the illness is still a matter of debate. I think that the former shrink may have not been sure of whether or not I have depression due to the fact that I told him I am not suicidal; but I think he misinterpreted that. I am not not suicidal because I don't have depression, I am not suicidal because my depression comes from the fact that I so desperately want to live. I want to thrive and show who I am to the world and the fact that the rsd is keeping me from doing that makes me very sad. Yes, for a very long time that made me suicidal. But I have come out of that to realize that I need to fight for my life, and that simply killing myself is letting the rsd win. I also know that there is a purpose for me in this world, and nothing will keep me from that purpose, especially not the rsd.
Now I will go into what I want to be.
From the time I was a very little girl, I have felt out of place. I have always felt like I was born in the wrong generation. My friends have always been older than me and now that I am in my twenties I am finding myself only now feeling like I fit in. This may be taken the wrong way. I never felt that I was smarter then the people my age, far from it. I never felt superior to them. I simply found that I somehow could not carry a conversation with them, that somehow the things and ideas I wanted to talk about were not the same things that the people I went to school with wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about social issues and have long debates and conversations on things going on in the world. What frustrated me more was that I did not have the words to make these conversations. I find myself breathing a sigh of relief that now I do.
Now that I can use these words and ideas, however, I find that simply talking about them in everyday life does not work. This is why I feel I must be meant to help change and shape social policy. You may say that then I should be a politician. My belief in certain issues, however, is so strong that I feel I would not be able to vote the way my constituents would want me to if they had feelings toward a issue or bill that I disagreed with. As I have said many times "even if I was voted into office, I wouldn't be their very long.
This is why I want to work in non-profits and lobbying organizations. Again, this career would have to be very specific for me. I would not, for any amount of money, work in an organization who's cause I did not believe in. I've been told many times that everyone has a price. Trust me when I say that non-profits and lobbying organizations could not pay me that price, they would be immediately out of business. You could say that maybe I could work for them one week or one month or whatever the pay period was and then leave after I was paid that amount of money. I even thought this myself. But even working one day for an organization I did not believe in would be furthering their cause. One phone answered, one paper written would be one less thing that company would not have to do, and I just can't do that to myself. I would go home and throw up every night. I feel that strongly about it.
I can almost hear the "yea right....No one is like this" I am here to tell you that I am and hopefully I always will be. I can't be myself any other way.
I will continue to fight for who and what I am so long as I can consciously move a finger. Yes, things can change, but I do not see them changing so drastically that all of this would be different. One thing that could change is that maybe one day I will be suicidal again. That idea makes me sick to my stomach. Being that way is a horrible way to live. Still, I think we all have a point where we just say enough. I think DNR's exist for just that reason.
This, however, is an issue for another moment and another blog. My point is this: This is who and what I am right now, and concentrating the what if's will get you no where. So take me as I am or don't, but this is who I am and what I want to be.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Another Happy sigh of spiritual relief
I just finished reading "Spiral Dance: A Rebearth of the Ancient Religion of the Great Goddess". I bought it specifically for my year to study paganism. I find that simply reading it gives me a sense of spiritual wholeness that I have never felt before. I have a long way to go, the book is filled with excercises that I will do as I continue on the road to deciding if I want to be a Pagan (though I must say that that decision is almost already made).
I think now I need to begin to think about what I will do when that year is over. I do not remember the exact date that I began this journey, so I have set the day of August 31st. I have thought that aftter that date I would consider myself more of an "aprentice witch" but that's not the right word....I want to say that even though I will be calling myself a witch, I will be in the very beginning stages of practicing. The book calls a person that is learning things they need to know to belong to a coven an apprentice, so I guess it's not only used in the buisness sense. Still, I will be teaching myself, and therefore not initiate myself. Grrr...My own friend who lives with me, we will call her Genny (and this one is innocent!), might be able to help me with this, but she has all these problems of her own....
Anyway, I guess I will talk about what I am going to do with my learning to be a witch/learning about Paganism: I have not done the excercises in the book, I wanted to read the book through before I actually did them. What is nice is they start out really simple: things that anyone can do to become more enlightened. As they go on, they move into breathing techniecs, meditations, and finally actual spells, rituals, and trances.
I'm so excited that I am on this journey and can't wait till tomorow when I do more!
till next time!
I think now I need to begin to think about what I will do when that year is over. I do not remember the exact date that I began this journey, so I have set the day of August 31st. I have thought that aftter that date I would consider myself more of an "aprentice witch" but that's not the right word....I want to say that even though I will be calling myself a witch, I will be in the very beginning stages of practicing. The book calls a person that is learning things they need to know to belong to a coven an apprentice, so I guess it's not only used in the buisness sense. Still, I will be teaching myself, and therefore not initiate myself. Grrr...My own friend who lives with me, we will call her Genny (and this one is innocent!), might be able to help me with this, but she has all these problems of her own....
Anyway, I guess I will talk about what I am going to do with my learning to be a witch/learning about Paganism: I have not done the excercises in the book, I wanted to read the book through before I actually did them. What is nice is they start out really simple: things that anyone can do to become more enlightened. As they go on, they move into breathing techniecs, meditations, and finally actual spells, rituals, and trances.
I'm so excited that I am on this journey and can't wait till tomorow when I do more!
till next time!
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Another Rant Comes Knocking
I'm not sure what's going to happen when I write today, and when I finish I probably won't remember everything I said, but isn't that the point of ranting? I thought so.
Have you ever had a time in your life when you just didn't know how to describe your feelings and you wanted time all by yourself to figure out what is going on in your own body and mind? I've felt like that for a very long time now, and I finally have my chance. On Saturday My parents are going to begin traveling accross country on vacation. They will be gone for three weeks, and the house, plus or minus two dogs and my sisters (who I hardly ever see) will be empty. I want to be thrilled about this...and in many ways I am. Yet at the same time I find myself scared. I am scared of being alone and being able to take care of all the things that my parents take care of in the house, and at the same time I find that I am scared to figure out my own brain. Still, it may be good for me. There are a list of things that I feel must be done:
First, I have to start looking for a doctor that I am comfortable with. Having my parents do that no longer works for me. While I am very greatful to everything they have done for me, allowing them to do all of the work when it comes to my rsd can not be good for me. It leaves with a babyish type feeling, and with them gone I can force myself to do things.
Second, I can spread out more when it comes to my spirituality. While I am creating an "worship area, I want to be able to go out and sit in my back yard and just...be....feel the goddess as the book I am reading says to do. I know that my parents wouldn't mind this...but it's kinda like explaining to them what I will be doing in the worship area I am creating...I don't know how to explain filling that spiritual void that I have felt for so long. Also, I know that trying to explain that to a mother who hates talking religion (or at least thinks everything that isn't related to being an atheist is wrong) what I'm doing will be impossible. So for now they can simply know I'm studying Paganism, and am creating a worship area with sheets. They can think all they want about it, at least with them out of the house, I won't hear their internal snickers.
Third, I want to find more alternative ways of making money. While I know that my parents are all for that, I will also be painting at hours of they day when I should be sleeping, writting long disortations when it comes to the coalition becoming non-profit certified, and generally doing things that I find empowering. The things can tend to leave a lot of "mess" around.
All of these things that I have mentioned will leave a lot of "mess" around. Mostly that mess will be in the form of paperwork and books. I'm all for cleanliness, but the fact that I won't have to put away my pile of books and papers just because I want to watch a favorite show for an hour will be awsome.
The final thing that I want to work on is finding friends near by me and keeping the friends that I have that aren't so near by. This will require a lot of phone time, a lot of time going to meet people that I don't necessarily know all that well, and generally a lot of time not having to explain who I'm going and who I'll be with.
The point is this: I know that my parents are trying to make my life as a 23 year old female as normal as possible. But the fact is that when you live with your parents it's not going to be completely normal. They are going to wonder where you are most of the time. They are going to ask you why the notes you are taking seem off. I'm not going to do anything illegal or stupid, it's just a mater of no more questions. At least for three weeks it is.
My life may become closer to normal...at least closer to the normal that I want and can have considering the rsd and other such stuff. And that my friends, is beautiful....
Wow....I needed to get all that out....
till another rant comes knocking at my door...
blessed be
Have you ever had a time in your life when you just didn't know how to describe your feelings and you wanted time all by yourself to figure out what is going on in your own body and mind? I've felt like that for a very long time now, and I finally have my chance. On Saturday My parents are going to begin traveling accross country on vacation. They will be gone for three weeks, and the house, plus or minus two dogs and my sisters (who I hardly ever see) will be empty. I want to be thrilled about this...and in many ways I am. Yet at the same time I find myself scared. I am scared of being alone and being able to take care of all the things that my parents take care of in the house, and at the same time I find that I am scared to figure out my own brain. Still, it may be good for me. There are a list of things that I feel must be done:
First, I have to start looking for a doctor that I am comfortable with. Having my parents do that no longer works for me. While I am very greatful to everything they have done for me, allowing them to do all of the work when it comes to my rsd can not be good for me. It leaves with a babyish type feeling, and with them gone I can force myself to do things.
Second, I can spread out more when it comes to my spirituality. While I am creating an "worship area, I want to be able to go out and sit in my back yard and just...be....feel the goddess as the book I am reading says to do. I know that my parents wouldn't mind this...but it's kinda like explaining to them what I will be doing in the worship area I am creating...I don't know how to explain filling that spiritual void that I have felt for so long. Also, I know that trying to explain that to a mother who hates talking religion (or at least thinks everything that isn't related to being an atheist is wrong) what I'm doing will be impossible. So for now they can simply know I'm studying Paganism, and am creating a worship area with sheets. They can think all they want about it, at least with them out of the house, I won't hear their internal snickers.
Third, I want to find more alternative ways of making money. While I know that my parents are all for that, I will also be painting at hours of they day when I should be sleeping, writting long disortations when it comes to the coalition becoming non-profit certified, and generally doing things that I find empowering. The things can tend to leave a lot of "mess" around.
All of these things that I have mentioned will leave a lot of "mess" around. Mostly that mess will be in the form of paperwork and books. I'm all for cleanliness, but the fact that I won't have to put away my pile of books and papers just because I want to watch a favorite show for an hour will be awsome.
The final thing that I want to work on is finding friends near by me and keeping the friends that I have that aren't so near by. This will require a lot of phone time, a lot of time going to meet people that I don't necessarily know all that well, and generally a lot of time not having to explain who I'm going and who I'll be with.
The point is this: I know that my parents are trying to make my life as a 23 year old female as normal as possible. But the fact is that when you live with your parents it's not going to be completely normal. They are going to wonder where you are most of the time. They are going to ask you why the notes you are taking seem off. I'm not going to do anything illegal or stupid, it's just a mater of no more questions. At least for three weeks it is.
My life may become closer to normal...at least closer to the normal that I want and can have considering the rsd and other such stuff. And that my friends, is beautiful....
Wow....I needed to get all that out....
till another rant comes knocking at my door...
blessed be
Monday, June 19, 2006
I hate writting on this topic. The truth is, I hate writting, talking, or even hearing anyone discussing what types of pain are better or worse then others. I also hate it when people tell you they know how you feel. I hate both with a burning passion. But I am using this site to be able to vent, so that's what I'm going to do.
Telling people that they should quantify types of pain is the same as quantifying a person's love: It just shouldn't be done. Telling people "well I had this happen so it's worse then what you have/as bad as what you have" is wrong. Telling people who's illnesses you've never had in your entire life that "you know exactly how they feel" is wrong.
Everyone says they agree to this, but get caught doing it redhanded. I'm tired of it. Don't tell me you know how I feel. And the only one's who should ask you to rate your pain is doctors: and your probably not a doctor.
Telling people that they should quantify types of pain is the same as quantifying a person's love: It just shouldn't be done. Telling people "well I had this happen so it's worse then what you have/as bad as what you have" is wrong. Telling people who's illnesses you've never had in your entire life that "you know exactly how they feel" is wrong.
Everyone says they agree to this, but get caught doing it redhanded. I'm tired of it. Don't tell me you know how I feel. And the only one's who should ask you to rate your pain is doctors: and your probably not a doctor.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
That Happy Little Sigh of Spiritual Relief
I don't think that my blog titled "why I am studying paganism" explains what I have been searching for all the years, and why I think Paganism just fits. So I'm explaining it better here. And any way I like when I have something happy to write about.
I've heard many times that religion "can fill a void in your heart and soul". But the truth is that for most of my life, I've only heard that said about Christianity. While it's great that some people find fulfillment in Christianity, that just isn't me....I don't know somehow the idea of Jesus and the idea of him saving our souls just didn't fit...I had too many questions.
For a little while going to the UU made sense. I would just sit there and listen and be fulfilled. But as they say in Dogma "My glass kept getting bigger": I still had questions that needed answered, and wasn't feeling that little sigh of relief.
Right about then is when I started poking into Paganism. I wasn't studying yet, but I was doing was copying aspects of people that I thought looked happy and fulfilled. That's the thing that I've discovered about Pagans: they seem very confident in themselves, and most importantly, happy.
Then one day the picnic happened and even stepping into the environment of being around all those people felt right. It was a warm summer day and the atmosphere was very relaxed so almost all people would feel that way yes, but at the same time I was talking to people. Asking them questions, reading their signs and looking at all the things that made up what they do. Every question I asked, event the ones I did not speak allowed, seemed answered. The world seemed to smile. And that's when I decided to study: I wanted to see if this feeling was a coincidence, or if it happened every timeI looked at aspects of Paganism.
And you know what? It happens every time, sometimes several times in the same instance. I smile when I think about it. I'm more relaxed and happy. There seems to be a reason for everything. When I have a question it is answered, and what I seek out in my own way seems to fall into place.
I believe everyone needs to experience that happy little sigh of spiritual relief that I keep feeling. It's a beautiful, wonderful feeling. I hope you feel it today.
Blessed be,
me
I've heard many times that religion "can fill a void in your heart and soul". But the truth is that for most of my life, I've only heard that said about Christianity. While it's great that some people find fulfillment in Christianity, that just isn't me....I don't know somehow the idea of Jesus and the idea of him saving our souls just didn't fit...I had too many questions.
For a little while going to the UU made sense. I would just sit there and listen and be fulfilled. But as they say in Dogma "My glass kept getting bigger": I still had questions that needed answered, and wasn't feeling that little sigh of relief.
Right about then is when I started poking into Paganism. I wasn't studying yet, but I was doing was copying aspects of people that I thought looked happy and fulfilled. That's the thing that I've discovered about Pagans: they seem very confident in themselves, and most importantly, happy.
Then one day the picnic happened and even stepping into the environment of being around all those people felt right. It was a warm summer day and the atmosphere was very relaxed so almost all people would feel that way yes, but at the same time I was talking to people. Asking them questions, reading their signs and looking at all the things that made up what they do. Every question I asked, event the ones I did not speak allowed, seemed answered. The world seemed to smile. And that's when I decided to study: I wanted to see if this feeling was a coincidence, or if it happened every timeI looked at aspects of Paganism.
And you know what? It happens every time, sometimes several times in the same instance. I smile when I think about it. I'm more relaxed and happy. There seems to be a reason for everything. When I have a question it is answered, and what I seek out in my own way seems to fall into place.
I believe everyone needs to experience that happy little sigh of spiritual relief that I keep feeling. It's a beautiful, wonderful feeling. I hope you feel it today.
Blessed be,
me
Friday, June 09, 2006
When your searching for something to go wrong...
I knew I got blogger for a reason. The truth is, I'm so tired of hearing that I'm a depressing person that I'm going to be sick. It seems that even when I don't want to be depressive, I really am. Oh, and so that everyone knows out there:
I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!!!
Period. Truly people I want to live! I have not been depressed to the point of suicide in a very long time. Furthermore, the fact that I ask how someone else might react to something I said that was depressing, doesn't mean that I am depressed...
AND just because I have a weird feeling about something bad happening politically, doesn't mean that it will screw up my entire life, or that I'm going to go jump off the next bridge.
IT'S JUST POLITICS! and people get so twisted around it and about it that they assume that just because someone talks about it you have to be arguing or complaining. Whatever. maybe what I need is new friends.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Something Doesn't Feel Right
Sigh...I really shouldn't do this to myself. I should just let the good things that are happening just be, and not have this stupid feeling I have. I may have been right before, but that doesn't mean I'll be right this time. Oh, I guess maybe I should explain. Then again, since no one reads my blog site, maybe I shouldn't and I should just let myself write whatever comes to my head. I think I'll start this at the beginning, but but I'll fill in my own quirks as I go on. That is what this blog site is supposed to be about isn't it? Anyway...
I haven't told this to anyone before, but every now and then, somehow I know something bad is about to happen. Either that, or I already know in my heart something bad has happened, and no one has told me about it yet and I'm simply feeling the tension in the air. Maybe it's just that denist appointment.....grrr...
First of all, there's the fact that the U.S. Senate voted to fail the mariage amendment. I should be thrilled, jumping off walls. But again, something doesn't feel right. Something in the political air is off, as if suddenly tomorrow the President is going to be shot. As much as I don't care about George Bush, having to say "President Cheney" just makes me want to run to Canada, rain and all.
Ann Coulter made a comment today about four women who are apparently making sure that if the president knew something about the 9/11 attacks before they happened, he should be held accountable. I know, heaven forbid. In case you don't know who Ann Coulter is, think a blond Jerry palely. The problem is, her words are a lot more global, and literally stay on the stands a lot longer being that she's an author. Now you may be saying: "but do you really know what she says in those books?". All too well. I've read them from cover to cover. Sometimes I feel that I have to do these things. I have to know what my enemy is saying before they say it, that way, I can either be ready for them to say it, or even say it before I do.
In the world of RSD, it is time for me to find a dentist. I know, everyone hates the dentist blah blah blah. Then again, not everyone hurts every time a person touches them. Not everyone hates the feeling of vibrations against their skin. This guy wants me to use Emla (a type of numbing paste) on my teeth and give me klonipin (an anti-anxiety medication) before I go. A friend of my mom's who has RSD has a dentist who does all her cleaning with a laser. My mom says she is going to call him, but makes the appointment with the dentist anyway. And, what I just realized, was that she made it without even really talking to me. Damn it, I hate it. How can I be told that I am in charge of anything that happens to be medically and then my mom makes the appointment when I never heard about this till after my mom talks to the man, and makes the appointment. The appointment is at the end of July, but they'd have to drag me if my mom doesn't make the call to the doctor Betty sees. It may be just for her my ass.
My older sister is supposed to go see a shrink tomorrow. He/she is especially trained for those with drug and alcohol problems. Yes, my sister does have a drug and alcohol problem. She claims that it's just drugs. I, and the rest of my family say, that if you have to go to a bar every single night, it's both. She came down the stairs today crying, slamming the door on her way out. I would bet my life on the fact that it has something to do with her boyfriend. She does that far too quickly too. It's not like this is a new problem. We've been dealing with this off and on since she was in high school. Our high school was only tenth, eleventh, and twelve back then. She was probably doing things before that. Needless to say, this has been going on for a long time. Don't believe me? Put it this way: she graduated in 1998.
Yea, something doesn't feel right, and now that I've lay out all the problems that our world and I'm facing personally, I feel all better. What? Can't you recognize sarcasm when it's typed right in front of you? You can't? Well then.....
Oh and you haven't seen this in a while so we might as well add it:
2480 soldiers have died in Iraq since the war began. It has cost us 286,786,020,578 dollars. I wonder how long it takes to become a Canadian citizen...
I haven't told this to anyone before, but every now and then, somehow I know something bad is about to happen. Either that, or I already know in my heart something bad has happened, and no one has told me about it yet and I'm simply feeling the tension in the air. Maybe it's just that denist appointment.....grrr...
First of all, there's the fact that the U.S. Senate voted to fail the mariage amendment. I should be thrilled, jumping off walls. But again, something doesn't feel right. Something in the political air is off, as if suddenly tomorrow the President is going to be shot. As much as I don't care about George Bush, having to say "President Cheney" just makes me want to run to Canada, rain and all.
Ann Coulter made a comment today about four women who are apparently making sure that if the president knew something about the 9/11 attacks before they happened, he should be held accountable. I know, heaven forbid. In case you don't know who Ann Coulter is, think a blond Jerry palely. The problem is, her words are a lot more global, and literally stay on the stands a lot longer being that she's an author. Now you may be saying: "but do you really know what she says in those books?". All too well. I've read them from cover to cover. Sometimes I feel that I have to do these things. I have to know what my enemy is saying before they say it, that way, I can either be ready for them to say it, or even say it before I do.
In the world of RSD, it is time for me to find a dentist. I know, everyone hates the dentist blah blah blah. Then again, not everyone hurts every time a person touches them. Not everyone hates the feeling of vibrations against their skin. This guy wants me to use Emla (a type of numbing paste) on my teeth and give me klonipin (an anti-anxiety medication) before I go. A friend of my mom's who has RSD has a dentist who does all her cleaning with a laser. My mom says she is going to call him, but makes the appointment with the dentist anyway. And, what I just realized, was that she made it without even really talking to me. Damn it, I hate it. How can I be told that I am in charge of anything that happens to be medically and then my mom makes the appointment when I never heard about this till after my mom talks to the man, and makes the appointment. The appointment is at the end of July, but they'd have to drag me if my mom doesn't make the call to the doctor Betty sees. It may be just for her my ass.
My older sister is supposed to go see a shrink tomorrow. He/she is especially trained for those with drug and alcohol problems. Yes, my sister does have a drug and alcohol problem. She claims that it's just drugs. I, and the rest of my family say, that if you have to go to a bar every single night, it's both. She came down the stairs today crying, slamming the door on her way out. I would bet my life on the fact that it has something to do with her boyfriend. She does that far too quickly too. It's not like this is a new problem. We've been dealing with this off and on since she was in high school. Our high school was only tenth, eleventh, and twelve back then. She was probably doing things before that. Needless to say, this has been going on for a long time. Don't believe me? Put it this way: she graduated in 1998.
Yea, something doesn't feel right, and now that I've lay out all the problems that our world and I'm facing personally, I feel all better. What? Can't you recognize sarcasm when it's typed right in front of you? You can't? Well then.....
Oh and you haven't seen this in a while so we might as well add it:
2480 soldiers have died in Iraq since the war began. It has cost us 286,786,020,578 dollars. I wonder how long it takes to become a Canadian citizen...
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Why I Am Studying Paganism
This is extremely hard for me to write. It's not hard because I find talking about my struggle to find a religion sad; quite the contrary. I'm just not sure how to explain the idea of the feeling that comes with not finding your spiritutal place in the world. It felt like there was a hole in my life. For years people tried to tell me that this whole was because I hadn't "accepted Jesus Christ as my savior". When I was still agnostic, still feeling that hole inside of me, I almost tried to say yes, that is why I have this whole. It really was easier to tell them that the whole didn't exist. I think somehow they knew it did, I just believe that there solution wasn't correct.
I was baptized Christian, and spent thirteen years of my life in Sunday school. Yet I always felt like a trouble maker. I was always the one asking questions. I can remember learning about the pope and how he is selected by a group of people. It wasn't even that he was born into the role like Kings and Queens, each consecutive pope has no relationship to one another. Obviously this is because the pope has to honor the vow of chastity, but somehow it still seemed wrong. After thinking about it for a second, I asked the teacher how the first pope had been chosen. It wasn't that she completely refused to answer the question, she simply said something like "well then we'd have to go back in history and look at the wars that went on". "How can that be???" I thought, "The original pope was chosen out of bloodshed?" "And he's supposed to have a direct connection to God???" It didn't make sense, and my hole, which had brought on the question in the first place, grew bigger.
It was in the beginning of my seventh grade year in school that I began to feel better about my own spirituality. That was when my mom officially told us that we would be going to the Unitarian Universalist church. While I was starting to question my own religion, I was all of eleven or twelve years old, and had friends in the Christian church. But, not wanting to upset my mother, I dutifully went to the Unitarian Sunday school.
And the most amazing thing happened: I was allowed to ask questions! Furthermore, I didn't get a carbon copied answer, nor did I get part of an answer, and then basically told to believe in the religion in blind faith. Actually, what I was told was to explore my own belief system, and see what answers I came up with.
side note: if you were wondering why a "church" would be allowed to do this, I would go to a search engine and type in Unitarian Universalist Association. Otherwise, I don't have time to talk about it here. Just trust me: they are allowed.
For the next five years I spent every Sunday and other times with Unitarian Universalist youth. Part of that the whole that had felt so empty began to be filled. The belief that all people have a light inside of them that is purely good and not threatining helped to fill that hole. Still, something was missing.
I was first introduced to Paganism and witchcraft from a very good friend. She was a Pagan herself and believed whole-heartedly in it. I believe she still does. At high school, however, I quickly came to discover that because I wasn't a Christian, I wasn't welcome by most people. While the Unitarian church helped to give me some light that I could hang on to, that hole started to grow again.
I had just started coming around to the idea that maybe I should look into witchcraft when I met Glen. Glen claimed to be a Druid, one of the many traditions of Paganism. Yet his version was warped. In fact it is this part of the blog that I can feel my body tightening. Glen was and is not a good person. As a matter of fact he is the one person on this Earth I truly hate and do not care what happens to him. I do not hate anyone else. This includes George Bush.
*side note: remember that all names are changed to protect the so called innocent*
I am going to say something here that many will say I belong in a mental institution for believing, but I believe that have been abused in some way by someone will know what I'm talking about. Glen was verbally abusive to me, and even after I broke up with him, I was scared of him. I would go into shops that would sell books on Paganism and become scared and have to leave quickly. Until what happened at the end of my college career years after I broke up with him did I feel completely happy in that shop. Even after I went in and stayed for long periods of time, I fought myself into doing it.
That was until one fateful day in the summer of 2005. My parents had read in the paper that there was going to be a Pagan festival. Knowing that I was interested in that type of thing, my parents suggested that I go. Something inside me told me that this thing called Paganism felt right, and I had to go to the festival.
The Paganism that Glen talked about was dark and gloomy. It was filled with monsters and other such terrible things. When I went to the festival, even the weather itself was beautiful. People were dressed like me, in bright, beautiful colors and long skirts. People were smiling, doing art work, and having fun. When I listened to the talks on paganism, they were filled with love and joy; only when talking about the stereotypes that people have of Pagans were bad things sad.
And, at one point during the festival, I threw back my head and laughed. Glen was wrong. He had been all along. This was paganism. I decided that from then on I would give myself a year to study paganism in all forms: and at the end of that year I would decide once and for all if I wanted to call myself a pagan. I have since decided that the date of the decision will be August 31st.
Now that the deadline is only three months away, I am doing more preparing of my own personal celebration. I am still studying, poking in every corner that I can. This is actually a staple of paganism: one is not to simply sit back and believe in it, but constantly question it. This is what I plan to do.
I hope this more fully explains why I am studying Paganism, and I guess if I do say yes to it, it will also become my "why I am a pagan" I promise to keep this page updated, no matter who is reading it or not.
Blessed be,
me
I was baptized Christian, and spent thirteen years of my life in Sunday school. Yet I always felt like a trouble maker. I was always the one asking questions. I can remember learning about the pope and how he is selected by a group of people. It wasn't even that he was born into the role like Kings and Queens, each consecutive pope has no relationship to one another. Obviously this is because the pope has to honor the vow of chastity, but somehow it still seemed wrong. After thinking about it for a second, I asked the teacher how the first pope had been chosen. It wasn't that she completely refused to answer the question, she simply said something like "well then we'd have to go back in history and look at the wars that went on". "How can that be???" I thought, "The original pope was chosen out of bloodshed?" "And he's supposed to have a direct connection to God???" It didn't make sense, and my hole, which had brought on the question in the first place, grew bigger.
It was in the beginning of my seventh grade year in school that I began to feel better about my own spirituality. That was when my mom officially told us that we would be going to the Unitarian Universalist church. While I was starting to question my own religion, I was all of eleven or twelve years old, and had friends in the Christian church. But, not wanting to upset my mother, I dutifully went to the Unitarian Sunday school.
And the most amazing thing happened: I was allowed to ask questions! Furthermore, I didn't get a carbon copied answer, nor did I get part of an answer, and then basically told to believe in the religion in blind faith. Actually, what I was told was to explore my own belief system, and see what answers I came up with.
side note: if you were wondering why a "church" would be allowed to do this, I would go to a search engine and type in Unitarian Universalist Association. Otherwise, I don't have time to talk about it here. Just trust me: they are allowed.
For the next five years I spent every Sunday and other times with Unitarian Universalist youth. Part of that the whole that had felt so empty began to be filled. The belief that all people have a light inside of them that is purely good and not threatining helped to fill that hole. Still, something was missing.
I was first introduced to Paganism and witchcraft from a very good friend. She was a Pagan herself and believed whole-heartedly in it. I believe she still does. At high school, however, I quickly came to discover that because I wasn't a Christian, I wasn't welcome by most people. While the Unitarian church helped to give me some light that I could hang on to, that hole started to grow again.
I had just started coming around to the idea that maybe I should look into witchcraft when I met Glen. Glen claimed to be a Druid, one of the many traditions of Paganism. Yet his version was warped. In fact it is this part of the blog that I can feel my body tightening. Glen was and is not a good person. As a matter of fact he is the one person on this Earth I truly hate and do not care what happens to him. I do not hate anyone else. This includes George Bush.
*side note: remember that all names are changed to protect the so called innocent*
I am going to say something here that many will say I belong in a mental institution for believing, but I believe that have been abused in some way by someone will know what I'm talking about. Glen was verbally abusive to me, and even after I broke up with him, I was scared of him. I would go into shops that would sell books on Paganism and become scared and have to leave quickly. Until what happened at the end of my college career years after I broke up with him did I feel completely happy in that shop. Even after I went in and stayed for long periods of time, I fought myself into doing it.
That was until one fateful day in the summer of 2005. My parents had read in the paper that there was going to be a Pagan festival. Knowing that I was interested in that type of thing, my parents suggested that I go. Something inside me told me that this thing called Paganism felt right, and I had to go to the festival.
The Paganism that Glen talked about was dark and gloomy. It was filled with monsters and other such terrible things. When I went to the festival, even the weather itself was beautiful. People were dressed like me, in bright, beautiful colors and long skirts. People were smiling, doing art work, and having fun. When I listened to the talks on paganism, they were filled with love and joy; only when talking about the stereotypes that people have of Pagans were bad things sad.
And, at one point during the festival, I threw back my head and laughed. Glen was wrong. He had been all along. This was paganism. I decided that from then on I would give myself a year to study paganism in all forms: and at the end of that year I would decide once and for all if I wanted to call myself a pagan. I have since decided that the date of the decision will be August 31st.
Now that the deadline is only three months away, I am doing more preparing of my own personal celebration. I am still studying, poking in every corner that I can. This is actually a staple of paganism: one is not to simply sit back and believe in it, but constantly question it. This is what I plan to do.
I hope this more fully explains why I am studying Paganism, and I guess if I do say yes to it, it will also become my "why I am a pagan" I promise to keep this page updated, no matter who is reading it or not.
Blessed be,
me
Friday, June 02, 2006
Reflecting
I'm not sure how to write this. It's funny. Whenever I don't know how to write something I just say that. Maybe I should just write how I talk in this thing and if anyone has a problem with that tough. The problem is, I don't know how to say that in the real world. I don't know how to tell people that if they don't like me, they can go screw themselves, so I am constantly trying to conform myself to everyone else's way of looking at the world.
Well not completely, for some reason if someone isn't liberal and someone stands in the way of something changing that I believe is the way it is supposed to be, politically, spirituality, 9 chances out of ten, I will tell them so. There's just certain topics that I'm just not sure about. People have brought up good points that I just concede to their good points. Not doing that is not debating correctly. At least in my opinion.
And when I finally get to meet people who think like me, somehow I don't know what to say to them. At least now, because as it turns out the way I've been handling things has been wrong. It used to be people would say that to me, and I didn't agree. Until today, when I did it "write" and just went with the flow.
Let me tell you, I got more laughs and more people just sat there and actually listened to what I had to say then I have ever have. EVER. I felt wonderful. I felt beautiful I felt...WANTED. Not that if I wasn't there today they would miss me, but that if I wasn't there say the next time, they might say "hey, where's that one girl" and the next time "Andrea would have liked this" and before I know it, I have some quality friends.
Wow. Friends. I have had some in the past, but usually, we don't make real plans. They usually don't do the same things I do. They aren't really...I mean we don't have...what's that word...ah...things in common. And this is happening with a whole group of people. It feels wonderful.
Yes my steps are small, and yes, a lot of my old friends who I still talk a lot of drama to might not notice, but the point is I notice: and it makes me feel good.
Nothing else matters, and that's what I should be learning.
Well not completely, for some reason if someone isn't liberal and someone stands in the way of something changing that I believe is the way it is supposed to be, politically, spirituality, 9 chances out of ten, I will tell them so. There's just certain topics that I'm just not sure about. People have brought up good points that I just concede to their good points. Not doing that is not debating correctly. At least in my opinion.
And when I finally get to meet people who think like me, somehow I don't know what to say to them. At least now, because as it turns out the way I've been handling things has been wrong. It used to be people would say that to me, and I didn't agree. Until today, when I did it "write" and just went with the flow.
Let me tell you, I got more laughs and more people just sat there and actually listened to what I had to say then I have ever have. EVER. I felt wonderful. I felt beautiful I felt...WANTED. Not that if I wasn't there today they would miss me, but that if I wasn't there say the next time, they might say "hey, where's that one girl" and the next time "Andrea would have liked this" and before I know it, I have some quality friends.
Wow. Friends. I have had some in the past, but usually, we don't make real plans. They usually don't do the same things I do. They aren't really...I mean we don't have...what's that word...ah...things in common. And this is happening with a whole group of people. It feels wonderful.
Yes my steps are small, and yes, a lot of my old friends who I still talk a lot of drama to might not notice, but the point is I notice: and it makes me feel good.
Nothing else matters, and that's what I should be learning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
