Who I am and What I want to be

This may or may not be extremely long. It depends on how long my fingers will hold out. Still, unless you have a lot of time on your hands and are really interested in hearing what I have to say, I would either read this in pieces or not at all. I'm flattered when anyone does read this, but really...Everyone has their limits.

When ever I write in here I'm not exactly sure what is going to come out. I just let myself talk and type exactly what I'm saying. Well, not exactly, but close enough. Still, this post could be the hardest I've had to write thus far...Simply because I'm not completely sure who I am...And I'm definitely not sure what I want to be. Still, I want to write this...Simply because I'm always thinking about it and it's always on my mind. Maybe it will become something that I write about every now and then, as I think of more things to say or change what I wrote. Actually, what makes sense is that it's kind of a add on to the already two introductions I have written of myself. Whatever it is, I want to write it, so that's what I'm going to do.

I'm a twenty something white women from the east coast of the United States of America. Despite what you may think, that's saying a lot. It has a huge affect on everything I do, say, think, feel, and believe. I guess this is why I say that the idea that "sociology is crap" makes me so sick to my stomach. How can you not look at that sentence and already sort of know what kind of person I am, or at least what kind of person I could be. Simply because I live on the east coast means that I know the seasons very well. Living in America, well, that carries a whole bunch of stereotypes and "because of's" with it now doesn't it? Being white, despite what a whole lot of people (far too many in my opinion) has a huge impact on how easily I can get places, what I can be, and what kind of attitude someone might give me in certain places. God...All this stuff to think about....Dare I go on???

I am bisexual person. Wow, I said that out loud. This is extremely hard for me to write about for two reasons. One, I have never actually experience being with another women. Some may say "then you don't know if you are truly bisexual" and I disagree. For those who know what the "Kinsey scale" is, I say not having been with a women keeps me from knowing exactly what "number" I am. The second reason why it's hard for me to say should not be an issue. Yet it is...Despite the wall that keeps my identity a secret called the internet, I could still receive some harsh criticism. I could be harassed. Still, I believe that we need to face those kinds of people and sayings head on. By keeping it in the closet I am allowing those type of people to get to me, and that's not something I'm prepared to live with.

The next thing I'm going to say needs a little background. I am applying for social security because of my disability and because of that, I am sent to many doctors by the government. These doctors then examine me and make a report that the social security office then uses to decide if I can receive benefits or not. I have found out that by talking to a shrink who was evaluating me, that the shrink who evaluated me wrote down that I "possibly had situational depression due to my illness". There is no doubt in this new shrink's or my mind that I do have depression, whether or not it being due to just the illness is still a matter of debate. I think that the former shrink may have not been sure of whether or not I have depression due to the fact that I told him I am not suicidal; but I think he misinterpreted that. I am not not suicidal because I don't have depression, I am not suicidal because my depression comes from the fact that I so desperately want to live. I want to thrive and show who I am to the world and the fact that the rsd is keeping me from doing that makes me very sad. Yes, for a very long time that made me suicidal. But I have come out of that to realize that I need to fight for my life, and that simply killing myself is letting the rsd win. I also know that there is a purpose for me in this world, and nothing will keep me from that purpose, especially not the rsd.

Now I will go into what I want to be.

From the time I was a very little girl, I have felt out of place. I have always felt like I was born in the wrong generation. My friends have always been older than me and now that I am in my twenties I am finding myself only now feeling like I fit in. This may be taken the wrong way. I never felt that I was smarter then the people my age, far from it. I never felt superior to them. I simply found that I somehow could not carry a conversation with them, that somehow the things and ideas I wanted to talk about were not the same things that the people I went to school with wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about social issues and have long debates and conversations on things going on in the world. What frustrated me more was that I did not have the words to make these conversations. I find myself breathing a sigh of relief that now I do.

Now that I can use these words and ideas, however, I find that simply talking about them in everyday life does not work. This is why I feel I must be meant to help change and shape social policy. You may say that then I should be a politician. My belief in certain issues, however, is so strong that I feel I would not be able to vote the way my constituents would want me to if they had feelings toward a issue or bill that I disagreed with. As I have said many times "even if I was voted into office, I wouldn't be their very long.

This is why I want to work in non-profits and lobbying organizations. Again, this career would have to be very specific for me. I would not, for any amount of money, work in an organization who's cause I did not believe in. I've been told many times that everyone has a price. Trust me when I say that non-profits and lobbying organizations could not pay me that price, they would be immediately out of business. You could say that maybe I could work for them one week or one month or whatever the pay period was and then leave after I was paid that amount of money. I even thought this myself. But even working one day for an organization I did not believe in would be furthering their cause. One phone answered, one paper written would be one less thing that company would not have to do, and I just can't do that to myself. I would go home and throw up every night. I feel that strongly about it.

I can almost hear the "yea right....No one is like this" I am here to tell you that I am and hopefully I always will be. I can't be myself any other way.

I will continue to fight for who and what I am so long as I can consciously move a finger. Yes, things can change, but I do not see them changing so drastically that all of this would be different. One thing that could change is that maybe one day I will be suicidal again. That idea makes me sick to my stomach. Being that way is a horrible way to live. Still, I think we all have a point where we just say enough. I think DNR's exist for just that reason.

This, however, is an issue for another moment and another blog. My point is this: This is who and what I am right now, and concentrating the what if's will get you no where. So take me as I am or don't, but this is who I am and what I want to be.