Why I Am Studying Paganism

This is extremely hard for me to write. It's not hard because I find talking about my struggle to find a religion sad; quite the contrary. I'm just not sure how to explain the idea of the feeling that comes with not finding your spiritutal place in the world. It felt like there was a hole in my life. For years people tried to tell me that this whole was because I hadn't "accepted Jesus Christ as my savior". When I was still agnostic, still feeling that hole inside of me, I almost tried to say yes, that is why I have this whole. It really was easier to tell them that the whole didn't exist. I think somehow they knew it did, I just believe that there solution wasn't correct.

I was baptized Christian, and spent thirteen years of my life in Sunday school. Yet I always felt like a trouble maker. I was always the one asking questions. I can remember learning about the pope and how he is selected by a group of people. It wasn't even that he was born into the role like Kings and Queens, each consecutive pope has no relationship to one another. Obviously this is because the pope has to honor the vow of chastity, but somehow it still seemed wrong. After thinking about it for a second, I asked the teacher how the first pope had been chosen. It wasn't that she completely refused to answer the question, she simply said something like "well then we'd have to go back in history and look at the wars that went on". "How can that be???" I thought, "The original pope was chosen out of bloodshed?" "And he's supposed to have a direct connection to God???" It didn't make sense, and my hole, which had brought on the question in the first place, grew bigger.

It was in the beginning of my seventh grade year in school that I began to feel better about my own spirituality. That was when my mom officially told us that we would be going to the Unitarian Universalist church. While I was starting to question my own religion, I was all of eleven or twelve years old, and had friends in the Christian church. But, not wanting to upset my mother, I dutifully went to the Unitarian Sunday school.

And the most amazing thing happened: I was allowed to ask questions! Furthermore, I didn't get a carbon copied answer, nor did I get part of an answer, and then basically told to believe in the religion in blind faith. Actually, what I was told was to explore my own belief system, and see what answers I came up with.

side note: if you were wondering why a "church" would be allowed to do this, I would go to a search engine and type in Unitarian Universalist Association. Otherwise, I don't have time to talk about it here. Just trust me: they are allowed.

For the next five years I spent every Sunday and other times with Unitarian Universalist youth. Part of that the whole that had felt so empty began to be filled. The belief that all people have a light inside of them that is purely good and not threatining helped to fill that hole. Still, something was missing.

I was first introduced to Paganism and witchcraft from a very good friend. She was a Pagan herself and believed whole-heartedly in it. I believe she still does. At high school, however, I quickly came to discover that because I wasn't a Christian, I wasn't welcome by most people. While the Unitarian church helped to give me some light that I could hang on to, that hole started to grow again.

I had just started coming around to the idea that maybe I should look into witchcraft when I met Glen. Glen claimed to be a Druid, one of the many traditions of Paganism. Yet his version was warped. In fact it is this part of the blog that I can feel my body tightening. Glen was and is not a good person. As a matter of fact he is the one person on this Earth I truly hate and do not care what happens to him. I do not hate anyone else. This includes George Bush.

*side note: remember that all names are changed to protect the so called innocent*

I am going to say something here that many will say I belong in a mental institution for believing, but I believe that have been abused in some way by someone will know what I'm talking about. Glen was verbally abusive to me, and even after I broke up with him, I was scared of him. I would go into shops that would sell books on Paganism and become scared and have to leave quickly. Until what happened at the end of my college career years after I broke up with him did I feel completely happy in that shop. Even after I went in and stayed for long periods of time, I fought myself into doing it.

That was until one fateful day in the summer of 2005. My parents had read in the paper that there was going to be a Pagan festival. Knowing that I was interested in that type of thing, my parents suggested that I go. Something inside me told me that this thing called Paganism felt right, and I had to go to the festival.

The Paganism that Glen talked about was dark and gloomy. It was filled with monsters and other such terrible things. When I went to the festival, even the weather itself was beautiful. People were dressed like me, in bright, beautiful colors and long skirts. People were smiling, doing art work, and having fun. When I listened to the talks on paganism, they were filled with love and joy; only when talking about the stereotypes that people have of Pagans were bad things sad.

And, at one point during the festival, I threw back my head and laughed. Glen was wrong. He had been all along. This was paganism. I decided that from then on I would give myself a year to study paganism in all forms: and at the end of that year I would decide once and for all if I wanted to call myself a pagan. I have since decided that the date of the decision will be August 31st.

Now that the deadline is only three months away, I am doing more preparing of my own personal celebration. I am still studying, poking in every corner that I can. This is actually a staple of paganism: one is not to simply sit back and believe in it, but constantly question it. This is what I plan to do.

I hope this more fully explains why I am studying Paganism, and I guess if I do say yes to it, it will also become my "why I am a pagan" I promise to keep this page updated, no matter who is reading it or not.

Blessed be,

me