Another Rant Comes Knocking

I'm not sure what's going to happen when I write today, and when I finish I probably won't remember everything I said, but isn't that the point of ranting? I thought so.

Have you ever had a time in your life when you just didn't know how to describe your feelings and you wanted time all by yourself to figure out what is going on in your own body and mind? I've felt like that for a very long time now, and I finally have my chance. On Saturday My parents are going to begin traveling accross country on vacation. They will be gone for three weeks, and the house, plus or minus two dogs and my sisters (who I hardly ever see) will be empty. I want to be thrilled about this...and in many ways I am. Yet at the same time I find myself scared. I am scared of being alone and being able to take care of all the things that my parents take care of in the house, and at the same time I find that I am scared to figure out my own brain. Still, it may be good for me. There are a list of things that I feel must be done:

First, I have to start looking for a doctor that I am comfortable with. Having my parents do that no longer works for me. While I am very greatful to everything they have done for me, allowing them to do all of the work when it comes to my rsd can not be good for me. It leaves with a babyish type feeling, and with them gone I can force myself to do things.

Second, I can spread out more when it comes to my spirituality. While I am creating an "worship area, I want to be able to go out and sit in my back yard and just...be....feel the goddess as the book I am reading says to do. I know that my parents wouldn't mind this...but it's kinda like explaining to them what I will be doing in the worship area I am creating...I don't know how to explain filling that spiritual void that I have felt for so long. Also, I know that trying to explain that to a mother who hates talking religion (or at least thinks everything that isn't related to being an atheist is wrong) what I'm doing will be impossible. So for now they can simply know I'm studying Paganism, and am creating a worship area with sheets. They can think all they want about it, at least with them out of the house, I won't hear their internal snickers.

Third, I want to find more alternative ways of making money. While I know that my parents are all for that, I will also be painting at hours of they day when I should be sleeping, writting long disortations when it comes to the coalition becoming non-profit certified, and generally doing things that I find empowering. The things can tend to leave a lot of "mess" around.

All of these things that I have mentioned will leave a lot of "mess" around. Mostly that mess will be in the form of paperwork and books. I'm all for cleanliness, but the fact that I won't have to put away my pile of books and papers just because I want to watch a favorite show for an hour will be awsome.

The final thing that I want to work on is finding friends near by me and keeping the friends that I have that aren't so near by. This will require a lot of phone time, a lot of time going to meet people that I don't necessarily know all that well, and generally a lot of time not having to explain who I'm going and who I'll be with.

The point is this: I know that my parents are trying to make my life as a 23 year old female as normal as possible. But the fact is that when you live with your parents it's not going to be completely normal. They are going to wonder where you are most of the time. They are going to ask you why the notes you are taking seem off. I'm not going to do anything illegal or stupid, it's just a mater of no more questions. At least for three weeks it is.

My life may become closer to normal...at least closer to the normal that I want and can have considering the rsd and other such stuff. And that my friends, is beautiful....

Wow....I needed to get all that out....

till another rant comes knocking at my door...

blessed be