The other day I had this really cool interior design idea and no one to talk to about it. My friend "E" was online but he hates interior design with a passion and hates talking about it even more, so I really didn't have any one to talk to. So he says "why don't you write it down in a diary or something". Then I remember my poor neglected blog and all those people (cough) who read it. And then I just looked at the actual blog and noticed that it's been a month and twenty-seven days since I've written in it. Sorry. But then again the only people who read my blog are the people who I love and therefore know what's going on with me. Then again they don't always know how I feel about those things or why they happen and stuff like that, so I might as well write in it. Then again I'd rather just write in it when I feel like it so that's what I'll do so there!
I will get to my design idea but first I should probably fill "everyone" in on what's happening with all the issues I talked about in the last entry (just because I'm a nice person like that). First, I got the house! I'm not completely moved in but five out of six rooms have been painted and worked on, the grass is mowed, and there's also brand new furniture to brag about in place. I used to think that I was being naive' when I said it would be awesome to live in my house. But you know what I WAS WRONG! I love living here and I never want to stop. And my parents have been the most awesome part about it. Especially my dad. He has touched nearly every wall, floor, and everything in between in this house. There's literally only one room left that he hasn't done something to. That's not true. We haven't done anything to the bathroom b/c we just (well I, I'm not letting my parents pay for everything AND do everything physical) can't afford something like that. He sanded the and repainted floor, put plaster back on the part of the wall we took out to make the place look bigger, painted every wall, helped paint cabinets, I mean you name it he's done it and all while claiming that "all (he) did was paint a few walls". I would agree with him if I had helped him more then I have (gee, I put some paint treatment on two cabinets and made some curtains. woo. hoo.) I have to admit that every now and then I get homesick, but my parents literally live four minutes away (my mom timed it) and my mom will answer her phone any time of the day or night. I now have my own tree, my own breakfast bar....it's wonderful. I also bought a shiny new white leather couch AND a beautiful glass-topped dinning room table (now if we can just get that room painted...) with my own money. My grandfather and uncle teamed up to buy me a bed with mattress and bedspread with a sleigh headboard (I love sleigh headboards). I swear if it gets any better then this someone has to show me, because someone may be able to buy their own house, but they don't get to have someone else do the work on it AND buy you furniture for free unless you're on HGTV or something.
When it comes to my heart, it's now working fine. Actually, because I got a new Mytral valve, it's working better then fine, it's actually ticking so loud people across a table can hear it. Yes, I finally decided to go with the surgery because the last doctor I saw when talk it admitted that eventually, even if you do the catheter a hundred times "everyone still gets the surgery". I was like "then why am I putting myself through this??? And boy, am I glad I made this decision. According to the surgeon, not only would the catheter not have worked, but it would have caused a stroke as well. Now there's a scary thought for you.
The last time I heard someone mention my sister (N) told my Uncle that she was 16 days clean. My uncle claims we need to be a lot more supportive of her which makes me so mad I could spit (I heard that quote on Top Chef once and I thought it was very graphic so I used it here). My parents and sister (not really me because I don't see her much) have bended over backwards try to help her stay clean. Supposedly we're supposed to congratulate her with this big party or something because she was clean for 16 days. Big F*cking deal. That's what I say to that. Besides the fact she has told us she was clean over and over again when she wasn't. I won't believe she's doing anything about it until she sees a shrink (which she refuses to do), stops drinking (which she refuses to do) and goes to NA meetings (which she refuses to do). I'm saying no one is an island and no person can quit cocaine after seven years by themselves. And if she is telling the truth, I want a pee test. And that's all I have to say about that.
My other sister (S) has moved to Philadelphia (I'm not afraid to say that she's in Philly, what are you going to do, look for someone with the first name "S" who happens to have a sister named Andrea who you know only lives in Lancaster...then again...maybe I don't live their any more since I got a new house...then again, I am only four minutes away from my parents, but what ever) and seems to love it. She, like me, gets homesick but like me she wouldn't trade her experience for the world and I say good for her. She has a boy friend who loves her (and I'm so very jealous of that) and she's living in a place and doing what she loves, so I'm very happy for her.
Now for my design idea: You gotta understand that this room in its current state is like every other room was in this house UGLY. It as very small windows, bad sixties-inspired tile, two very tiny windows, and green walls. So here's what I plan to do while I don't have the money I wish I had (I'll tell you what I'd do if I had the money in a second) I'm putting bead board on the bottom half of the walls, and then painting them a light gray color. I'm then putting a ceiling to floor curtain on the wall with the windows, and I'm hoping the curtain has gray and gold in it, though the picture in my head is of a horizontal stripped gray and gold fabric, but I'll adjust as I need to. The accent color is red, which I will use in possibly the rug and definitely the table-wear. If someone steals this idea that's alright because I've got plenty more where that came from :).
Well that's my life for now. I might come back tomorrow, or it could take me two months to write again, or maybe I won't write in here ever again. You'll just have to wait and see where the wind takes me. Till next time America.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
The things I Think About
I'm not sure why I'm writing this or even what I will write about. Just for some reason today my mind is so full of crap to that I deal with, crap that my parents and sisters deal with, crap that my friends deal with, crap that the world deals with and just crap in general that it makes me very tired. I hurt a lot today and I'm not sure why. Lately my pain has been coming back more and more and that scares me. Life in general scares me right now. I realize my age and what it means.
I guess the idea of having to handle things on my own has always scared me. Yes I'm an independent person but at the same time the idea of dealing with my RSD and the rest of my life by myself is such a frightening idea that I try not to think about it too much. I mean what would I have done if my parents weren't around when I found out about N's drug use? Even the smallest things could be harder with out my parents. Especially my mom. Even though she hates the fact that my dad and I fight a lot she still notices cases when it is my dad doing the antagonizing. My dad has this way of not listening to what people say and then he wonders why we get angry at him. For example. I don't know if I told this on here but I'm getting a house; all the details are not set into place yet so there is still the slightest chance that I might not get it. So of course I worry everyday about the chances of this wonderful house not being mine. Yesterday I went outside with my parents and said "did C (our realtor and also a friend of my mom's) call? and my mom says "no honey if she calls you'll be the first one to know. So we changed the subject for a while and then I said (just b/c i wanted to, not b/c i thought my parents were lying) "I worry about not getting the house." My mom started to say "honey you'll get it, it's just a matter of time." when my dad cut in and says "oh by the way C called". I wouldn't have been as angry if he hadn't been sitting right there when I asked if she called. It is also hard because he does this all the time. This house is extremely important to me (my dad and I also had a fight once about who wants this more, me or him. I don't think you can really know but he said "i want this more then you do! and i said "no you don't!" and he says "don't tell me how i feel!" so of course i said "WELL DON'T TELL ME HOW I FEEL!" so obviously when he does things like this it feels like he doesn't care at all.).
Then there's the problem with my heart. After all the tests it basically comes down to me and my decision. On the one hand I could get the catheter and I wouldn't have to have open heart surgery; but there is a chance that won't work, and my belief is that I'd rather go through surgery once and get it over with then keep putting my body through trauma (especially since any trauma might make the pain worse) over and over.
Then there's my sister. She's trying to stay clean but every time we think she is she uses again. I've gotten to the point where I will always believe she's using. She says that even when she sleeps so she doesn't have to think about it she dreams about it. On the one hand I want to pity her but on the other hand I feel she's done this to herself. Yes she had all kinds of emotional problems at a very young age but so have lots of other people (like J, he has more emotional problems then all the people in PA combined and he has never done drugs!) who have emotional problems and have never used. It's just frustrating.
Then on top of everything else I think about the world's problems. I think about the fact that we should have never been in Iraq. I think about the fact that I truly believe George Bush wants to put us at war with Iran. He's truly the scariest man in the world. I don't care who you mention, but most scary people know they are scary. Murderers know they're murderers, rapists know they're rapists. But the scariest people are those who believe they are doing the world a service, and that is what George Bush believes.
I think about far too many things. It seems that a lot of people with RSD worry about the world and worry about making those around them happy. I don't know how those who have had this for 20, 30, or even 40 years do it. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I'm going to go for now, but I just needed to get all of this out there. Till next time America.
Artistinme82
I guess the idea of having to handle things on my own has always scared me. Yes I'm an independent person but at the same time the idea of dealing with my RSD and the rest of my life by myself is such a frightening idea that I try not to think about it too much. I mean what would I have done if my parents weren't around when I found out about N's drug use? Even the smallest things could be harder with out my parents. Especially my mom. Even though she hates the fact that my dad and I fight a lot she still notices cases when it is my dad doing the antagonizing. My dad has this way of not listening to what people say and then he wonders why we get angry at him. For example. I don't know if I told this on here but I'm getting a house; all the details are not set into place yet so there is still the slightest chance that I might not get it. So of course I worry everyday about the chances of this wonderful house not being mine. Yesterday I went outside with my parents and said "did C (our realtor and also a friend of my mom's) call? and my mom says "no honey if she calls you'll be the first one to know. So we changed the subject for a while and then I said (just b/c i wanted to, not b/c i thought my parents were lying) "I worry about not getting the house." My mom started to say "honey you'll get it, it's just a matter of time." when my dad cut in and says "oh by the way C called". I wouldn't have been as angry if he hadn't been sitting right there when I asked if she called. It is also hard because he does this all the time. This house is extremely important to me (my dad and I also had a fight once about who wants this more, me or him. I don't think you can really know but he said "i want this more then you do! and i said "no you don't!" and he says "don't tell me how i feel!" so of course i said "WELL DON'T TELL ME HOW I FEEL!" so obviously when he does things like this it feels like he doesn't care at all.).
Then there's the problem with my heart. After all the tests it basically comes down to me and my decision. On the one hand I could get the catheter and I wouldn't have to have open heart surgery; but there is a chance that won't work, and my belief is that I'd rather go through surgery once and get it over with then keep putting my body through trauma (especially since any trauma might make the pain worse) over and over.
Then there's my sister. She's trying to stay clean but every time we think she is she uses again. I've gotten to the point where I will always believe she's using. She says that even when she sleeps so she doesn't have to think about it she dreams about it. On the one hand I want to pity her but on the other hand I feel she's done this to herself. Yes she had all kinds of emotional problems at a very young age but so have lots of other people (like J, he has more emotional problems then all the people in PA combined and he has never done drugs!) who have emotional problems and have never used. It's just frustrating.
Then on top of everything else I think about the world's problems. I think about the fact that we should have never been in Iraq. I think about the fact that I truly believe George Bush wants to put us at war with Iran. He's truly the scariest man in the world. I don't care who you mention, but most scary people know they are scary. Murderers know they're murderers, rapists know they're rapists. But the scariest people are those who believe they are doing the world a service, and that is what George Bush believes.
I think about far too many things. It seems that a lot of people with RSD worry about the world and worry about making those around them happy. I don't know how those who have had this for 20, 30, or even 40 years do it. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
I'm going to go for now, but I just needed to get all of this out there. Till next time America.
Artistinme82
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Sometimes The Only Thing You Can Do is Swear
I've been talking to a friend about writing my own book. She says (we'll call her "M") that I should write a satire self help book on how to get through life with RSD. It would be a satire because basically the only way to get through life with anything is to try; and darn it, that's all I've been doing all my life.
(Tomorrow)One full month and a few days since I found out there is something wrong with my life I'm going to find out what I should do about it. I'm scarred to death. So is my family, they just don't say it out loud. They're scarred about a lot of things though. They're scarred my sister (N) will never beat cocaine. They're scarred that my RSD will never go away. But right now they mostly worry about my heart and my sister. Call me stupid but it took a while for me to realize most hospitals have to cut your rib cage open in order to do anything with your heart. The good thing is that there are major hospitals in places like Philly, Chicago, and Hershey medical center, that are changing the mytral valve by going at it on the side. The recovery will still suck, but at least it won't hurt as much as trying to recover from cutting your rib cage open with RSD.
There is some good news, however. My parents are buying me a house. It's a cute house too, just perfect for me. I've always wanted a rancher but we didn't think that was possible. Then along comes this semi-detached rancher (meaning it has another house connected to it on one side) and wa la! Instant house (well not instant but you know what I mean). There is just two problems:
First, the woman selling it wants to buy her next house without dealing with a Realtor, which means she's going to have to find a house that is being sold by the owner, which isn't easy to do. Second, she has three weeks to find a house and if she doesn't she can take back the sale! If I didn't have my sister's (N) cocaine habit or my RSD or my heart to deal with this might freak me out. But you know what, this is really small on the scale on the things that matter. I can't believe I admitted that but damn it it's true! And when there are so many other things to deal with and it's once again blocking you from being happy and getting what you want out of life well...
Sometimes the only thing you can do is swear!
(Tomorrow)One full month and a few days since I found out there is something wrong with my life I'm going to find out what I should do about it. I'm scarred to death. So is my family, they just don't say it out loud. They're scarred about a lot of things though. They're scarred my sister (N) will never beat cocaine. They're scarred that my RSD will never go away. But right now they mostly worry about my heart and my sister. Call me stupid but it took a while for me to realize most hospitals have to cut your rib cage open in order to do anything with your heart. The good thing is that there are major hospitals in places like Philly, Chicago, and Hershey medical center, that are changing the mytral valve by going at it on the side. The recovery will still suck, but at least it won't hurt as much as trying to recover from cutting your rib cage open with RSD.
There is some good news, however. My parents are buying me a house. It's a cute house too, just perfect for me. I've always wanted a rancher but we didn't think that was possible. Then along comes this semi-detached rancher (meaning it has another house connected to it on one side) and wa la! Instant house (well not instant but you know what I mean). There is just two problems:
First, the woman selling it wants to buy her next house without dealing with a Realtor, which means she's going to have to find a house that is being sold by the owner, which isn't easy to do. Second, she has three weeks to find a house and if she doesn't she can take back the sale! If I didn't have my sister's (N) cocaine habit or my RSD or my heart to deal with this might freak me out. But you know what, this is really small on the scale on the things that matter. I can't believe I admitted that but damn it it's true! And when there are so many other things to deal with and it's once again blocking you from being happy and getting what you want out of life well...
Sometimes the only thing you can do is swear!
Friday, May 25, 2007
What Really Matters
I know. I haven't been writing lately. Boo Hoo. The truth is that whenever I think about writing in here I get too tired from reading the thousands of emails that I get a week (and that may not be an exaggeration) from the liberal groups that I belong to. And I don't blame them, I want to make the world better too. But frankly, you don't have to be online all the time, sending one word emails about how outraged you are that G.W.B. did something stupid AGAIN.
I guess the real reason I'm bitter is because sometimes it seems that these people don't concentrate on the things that are most important. Ok, yes, they are constantly saying how good the friendships are between them, but when something awful happens to one of them,it doesn't seem like they take the time to try to help that person. Like at the last meeting, one of the women was crying because her pet bird was sick. Ok, so that's not the most important thing in the world but it sure is to that woman, and if that's what gets her through the day so be it.
Ok so yes, there is other things on my mind besides liberal issues, but for some reason, I don't want to talk about them. Maybe it's the fact that someone (usually me) is constantly sick in my family. Maybe it's because of the fact that I really don't have a lot of information, but for whatever the reason, I'm avoiding the subject. But for those few people out there that I know read this blog, I will tell you what's wrong:
There is something wrong with my heart. It's called Mitral Stinosis. Apparently the Mitral valve in the heart opens and allows blood to go through and then move to the other artery to get oxygen and the whole thing starts over again. That's roughly how it's supposed to work anyway. Well it seems that my heart is BOTH not letting out enough blood while at the same time letting some back in when it's not supposed to. So far we don't know how to treat it because I need to get more tests done.
Here's the part that makes me really angry though: This was not discovered until I started having really bad chest pains and this hard thumping in my chest. No it wasn't my heart, well, not my heart beating correctly anyway. What it was was an extra beat, followed by a pause while the heart figured out what was going on, followed by a hard beat. We only found the problem with the valve when I had an echo and a stress test done. We don't know how bad it is yet, I have to get another echo followed by a test that involves sticking tubes in my veins and checking how hard the valves are opening and closing, that's the way I understand it anyway. Anyway I was starting to tell you what makes me angry about this and then I got off track, but here, finally, is the reason I'm really angry:
This is not a problem that just cropped up. The Cardiologist actually said that "This didn't happen over night." Now let's think about this; I've been in the hospital how many times? Been in a drug induced coma, and had surgery by the time I was four years old AND NO ONE CAUGHT THIS. This could have been fixed years ago in the younger years of my life that most people never remember (like when I had my first surgery at the age of FOUR!).
So I wish I could just concentrate on liberal issues that in the huge scheme of things don't matter, because really the only thing that matters is being happy and if you let politics get you completely down all the time then you're going to be down for the rest of your life, you know what I mean?
If you go back many entries you will see the story of my families health problems, and why I am tired of someone (usually me) being sick. But for now I'll just say blessed be and play a game till I'm tired enough to sleep, ok?
Blessed be!
I guess the real reason I'm bitter is because sometimes it seems that these people don't concentrate on the things that are most important. Ok, yes, they are constantly saying how good the friendships are between them, but when something awful happens to one of them,it doesn't seem like they take the time to try to help that person. Like at the last meeting, one of the women was crying because her pet bird was sick. Ok, so that's not the most important thing in the world but it sure is to that woman, and if that's what gets her through the day so be it.
Ok so yes, there is other things on my mind besides liberal issues, but for some reason, I don't want to talk about them. Maybe it's the fact that someone (usually me) is constantly sick in my family. Maybe it's because of the fact that I really don't have a lot of information, but for whatever the reason, I'm avoiding the subject. But for those few people out there that I know read this blog, I will tell you what's wrong:
There is something wrong with my heart. It's called Mitral Stinosis. Apparently the Mitral valve in the heart opens and allows blood to go through and then move to the other artery to get oxygen and the whole thing starts over again. That's roughly how it's supposed to work anyway. Well it seems that my heart is BOTH not letting out enough blood while at the same time letting some back in when it's not supposed to. So far we don't know how to treat it because I need to get more tests done.
Here's the part that makes me really angry though: This was not discovered until I started having really bad chest pains and this hard thumping in my chest. No it wasn't my heart, well, not my heart beating correctly anyway. What it was was an extra beat, followed by a pause while the heart figured out what was going on, followed by a hard beat. We only found the problem with the valve when I had an echo and a stress test done. We don't know how bad it is yet, I have to get another echo followed by a test that involves sticking tubes in my veins and checking how hard the valves are opening and closing, that's the way I understand it anyway. Anyway I was starting to tell you what makes me angry about this and then I got off track, but here, finally, is the reason I'm really angry:
This is not a problem that just cropped up. The Cardiologist actually said that "This didn't happen over night." Now let's think about this; I've been in the hospital how many times? Been in a drug induced coma, and had surgery by the time I was four years old AND NO ONE CAUGHT THIS. This could have been fixed years ago in the younger years of my life that most people never remember (like when I had my first surgery at the age of FOUR!).
So I wish I could just concentrate on liberal issues that in the huge scheme of things don't matter, because really the only thing that matters is being happy and if you let politics get you completely down all the time then you're going to be down for the rest of your life, you know what I mean?
If you go back many entries you will see the story of my families health problems, and why I am tired of someone (usually me) being sick. But for now I'll just say blessed be and play a game till I'm tired enough to sleep, ok?
Blessed be!
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
The Only Thing We Have To Fear...
Ok, it's truth time.
I am reading this book "How to Be Your Own Therapist: A Step-By-Step Guide to Building a Competent, Confident Life. I truly believe this book was written for me, for it talks about the reasons I am at the point where I am right now, and gives suggestions on how to make that better. I'm not talking about the suggestions here; I'm telling the truth about the reasons I'm here.
First and for most, when you break it down to it's smallest pieces, the reason I am where I am (at least the reason that I can control) is fear. Of all the things I fear, I am most afraid of failing. This has long been ingrained in my head. Whether or not she planned it or not, from the time I was very small my mother has told my sisters and I that we must learn to support ourselves. At the time I think (and she'll tell me this is true, that what she meant was we shouldn't have to have a partner in order to get the things that we want. This does not mean she's against marriage, but instead believes you should be out on your own for a while, and not take the help of anyone else....
But I wonder if she ever thought about support coming the government, rather then a partner. I'm sure that when she told us those words, she truly meant we shouldn't get ANYONE'S help, but I'm also sure that she has now changed her tune. There are times when a person has to lean on other people for help. I'm also sure that my mother does not believe that even though I have RSD that I should go out on my own, that the support I get from both the government and her and my father is necessary.
However.
That does not mean I feel any better about having to use the government and my parents support in order to sustain myself. I truly believe that I should be out there at least supporting myself in part, even if it is a small part. I truly believe I have failed. My dreams have not come true and I am not living on my own.
However.
That doesn't mean I am lying around the house doing nothing. It also doesn't mean that while I do things, I don't get out of the house. The things I do happen both inside and outside the house, and also involve other people. This week alone I have three meetings, and while that does not sound like a lot, when your sympathetic nervous system is constantly running like mine is, three meetings in one week is a lot. That also doesn't count the auction I am going to on Saturday, and then the fact that I have to start all over again The next week.
Ok so I've gone a little off course and haven't really been talking about the things I fear, so here's another:
I am deathly afraid of people seeing me as not good enough. While I'm aware that many people in the groups I run and am apart of TELL me they think I'm capable, that doesn't mean it's the truth. And maybe it is the truth, and maybe I really am good looking, but...
Ah ha! Here's another fear:
I am afraid of being confident. That's right folks, despite all my whining about wanting to be confident, the idea of knowing everything I want to and doing everything I want to makes me very scared, for I fear that once I am up there that I will fail all the people who have come to have faith in me. Someone tell me if that makes sense...because I'm not sure I explained it correctly.
Also I'm afraid that it's a stupid thing to fear, which leads into my fear of being looked at as stupid, ugly, or any number of the things they used to call me back in grammar school...
Sigh...I really should just get over these things and live my life the best way I know how, and to take things minute by minute. That reminds me of one more fear: the fear that I will have insomnia all night long again...
So I'm going to get off of here and play some games and try to make myself tired enough to get to bed. Goodnight all.
Blessed be!
I am reading this book "How to Be Your Own Therapist: A Step-By-Step Guide to Building a Competent, Confident Life. I truly believe this book was written for me, for it talks about the reasons I am at the point where I am right now, and gives suggestions on how to make that better. I'm not talking about the suggestions here; I'm telling the truth about the reasons I'm here.
First and for most, when you break it down to it's smallest pieces, the reason I am where I am (at least the reason that I can control) is fear. Of all the things I fear, I am most afraid of failing. This has long been ingrained in my head. Whether or not she planned it or not, from the time I was very small my mother has told my sisters and I that we must learn to support ourselves. At the time I think (and she'll tell me this is true, that what she meant was we shouldn't have to have a partner in order to get the things that we want. This does not mean she's against marriage, but instead believes you should be out on your own for a while, and not take the help of anyone else....
But I wonder if she ever thought about support coming the government, rather then a partner. I'm sure that when she told us those words, she truly meant we shouldn't get ANYONE'S help, but I'm also sure that she has now changed her tune. There are times when a person has to lean on other people for help. I'm also sure that my mother does not believe that even though I have RSD that I should go out on my own, that the support I get from both the government and her and my father is necessary.
However.
That does not mean I feel any better about having to use the government and my parents support in order to sustain myself. I truly believe that I should be out there at least supporting myself in part, even if it is a small part. I truly believe I have failed. My dreams have not come true and I am not living on my own.
However.
That doesn't mean I am lying around the house doing nothing. It also doesn't mean that while I do things, I don't get out of the house. The things I do happen both inside and outside the house, and also involve other people. This week alone I have three meetings, and while that does not sound like a lot, when your sympathetic nervous system is constantly running like mine is, three meetings in one week is a lot. That also doesn't count the auction I am going to on Saturday, and then the fact that I have to start all over again The next week.
Ok so I've gone a little off course and haven't really been talking about the things I fear, so here's another:
I am deathly afraid of people seeing me as not good enough. While I'm aware that many people in the groups I run and am apart of TELL me they think I'm capable, that doesn't mean it's the truth. And maybe it is the truth, and maybe I really am good looking, but...
Ah ha! Here's another fear:
I am afraid of being confident. That's right folks, despite all my whining about wanting to be confident, the idea of knowing everything I want to and doing everything I want to makes me very scared, for I fear that once I am up there that I will fail all the people who have come to have faith in me. Someone tell me if that makes sense...because I'm not sure I explained it correctly.
Also I'm afraid that it's a stupid thing to fear, which leads into my fear of being looked at as stupid, ugly, or any number of the things they used to call me back in grammar school...
Sigh...I really should just get over these things and live my life the best way I know how, and to take things minute by minute. That reminds me of one more fear: the fear that I will have insomnia all night long again...
So I'm going to get off of here and play some games and try to make myself tired enough to get to bed. Goodnight all.
Blessed be!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
A Month of Updates
*Walks into the room, and comes up to the lone person in the room and shakes her hand* Wow ____! It's been a long time hasn't it! *The person looks at her awkwardly, then reminds me that I'm looking into a mirror*
Ok so it really has been a long time hasn't it? But can you blame me? I'm extraordinarily busy, I've got a great job, spends lots of time with my family, and am making great strides both politically and socially.
Lying to you doesn't work either? Damn, I've got to work on my skills...
Seriously, I know it's been a long time, and you can fault me for that, but this is my blog, and there's no one reading this, so why find any fault in it at all!
I had to look back at past entries to remember where in the story of my life I was. Now, let's quickly update you:
1. Social Security still sucks. My back money will probably equal around ten thousand dollars. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I should be happy with ten thousand dollars, that you will give your left foot just to have a tenth of that. But then you have to remember: I have very little bills, no car to pay for, no kids, no mortgage, not even the tiniest of apartments to pay for. So when you look at all that I don't have you realize that there's not much left for me to spend it on. Ten thousand dollars is not enough for a car, a house, or much of any of the things that I really want in this life. So I'm left with about nine months (they don't let you keep the ten thousand and then put it away for a rainy day. oh no, that would make too much sense) to spend the money on things that while they are cool to have, don't really help me get what I really need. So here are the things I can think of to spend it on:
a) A really nice sewing machine. And if I work on it right, that just might help me get the things I want. I'm looking into trying to sell the stuff I make, as well as offering people to make things for them. At the same time, even if this doesn't result in any kind of a job, I could still make my own clothes and not have to spend money on them...
b) A large easel. This might also help me in my future endeavors. I have enrolled in an art school, and will be working towards getting a certificate in interior design. Can a certificate, which is worth less then an associates degree, help me in the long run? Who knows, but the classes will still give me a chance to get out of the house and learn new things, and who can spit at that?
c) Art school. Already explained that...
d) Supplies needed to help me make things with the sewing machine and large easel, and anything I need for school
And guess what ladies and gentlemen...that's it, that's all I can think of to spend ten thousand dollars on. I bet even if the supplies, easel, and sewing machine are REALLY high quality, I'll still have about seven or eight thousand dollars left to spend on junk, and I don't want junk!
2. The pain is back. Not to the same degree it was when I started the oxygen treatment, most of the time I'm still at a four or five on the one to ten scale, but there are days when it jumps to a ten, and I also have a new pain in my hips that despite what my doctor and nurse practitioner has said, I don't believe that pain is RSD related. Other health related issues includes a swollen stomach. The middle of my stomach has always been raised, but not like this. And the "modeling", or the discoloration that is always on my extremities, is now on my stomach. My mom has talked to the nurse practitioner and she wants me to see a doctor in the same office just in case it's not RSD. That's the thing with RSD; if another health problem arises, you have to make sure it's not something else besides it. And when it comes to things like my stomach swelling, I really do hope it's just RSD. At least I know how to deal with that. At the same time it's really hard to deal with the fact that despite my small frame, I'm wearing a size ten pants. While there are many people much heavier then I am, I have always thought that one of the few things I had going on for me physically was my body, and now I may have lost that...
3. The problem with my sister (N) has been one hill on the great roller coaster of life after another. One week she's clean, the next week she's using. Right now she tells us that while she's trying not to use, she refuses to go to any type of therapy, be it AA, or an individual psychologist or psychiatrist, because "they make her sad". In my opinion if she's ever going to beat this thing she's going to have to confront the reasons why she is the way she is. Maybe I'm wrong and the way she grew up has no bearing on who she is (as I've heard more then once out of the mouth of psychologist majors), but like I've said before, that's a bigger load of crap then I've ever cleaned up from our biggest dog yet.
In completely new news, I have bought my own pet rabbit. Her name is Cookie and she's mostly white with black spots (someone told me she looks like cookies and cream ice cream, which while the reason we named her cookie was b/c we thought she looks like an Oreo, she doesn't have enough black in her so the cookies and cream analogy makes more sense). We don't know how old she is (the pet store told us she is under a year old), but I think she is very much a baby. In the coming weeks, months, and years I will probably tell you all about her antics (like the fact that since baby rabbits aren't quite sure how to hop correctly, every now and then when she's out of her cage she will spring up into the air to feet twice her size, it's really quite a sight, and I think I'll miss it when she gets older), now is not the time to get into them since I have bored you far too long today to go any further.
*She stands back, looks at all the writing on the mirror, walls, ceiling, and floor, and declares that now she has fully updated the cavern of stories of her life, and walks out, leaving the writing on the wall behind her, and whispers a happy* Blessed be
Ok so it really has been a long time hasn't it? But can you blame me? I'm extraordinarily busy, I've got a great job, spends lots of time with my family, and am making great strides both politically and socially.
Lying to you doesn't work either? Damn, I've got to work on my skills...
Seriously, I know it's been a long time, and you can fault me for that, but this is my blog, and there's no one reading this, so why find any fault in it at all!
I had to look back at past entries to remember where in the story of my life I was. Now, let's quickly update you:
1. Social Security still sucks. My back money will probably equal around ten thousand dollars. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I should be happy with ten thousand dollars, that you will give your left foot just to have a tenth of that. But then you have to remember: I have very little bills, no car to pay for, no kids, no mortgage, not even the tiniest of apartments to pay for. So when you look at all that I don't have you realize that there's not much left for me to spend it on. Ten thousand dollars is not enough for a car, a house, or much of any of the things that I really want in this life. So I'm left with about nine months (they don't let you keep the ten thousand and then put it away for a rainy day. oh no, that would make too much sense) to spend the money on things that while they are cool to have, don't really help me get what I really need. So here are the things I can think of to spend it on:
a) A really nice sewing machine. And if I work on it right, that just might help me get the things I want. I'm looking into trying to sell the stuff I make, as well as offering people to make things for them. At the same time, even if this doesn't result in any kind of a job, I could still make my own clothes and not have to spend money on them...
b) A large easel. This might also help me in my future endeavors. I have enrolled in an art school, and will be working towards getting a certificate in interior design. Can a certificate, which is worth less then an associates degree, help me in the long run? Who knows, but the classes will still give me a chance to get out of the house and learn new things, and who can spit at that?
c) Art school. Already explained that...
d) Supplies needed to help me make things with the sewing machine and large easel, and anything I need for school
And guess what ladies and gentlemen...that's it, that's all I can think of to spend ten thousand dollars on. I bet even if the supplies, easel, and sewing machine are REALLY high quality, I'll still have about seven or eight thousand dollars left to spend on junk, and I don't want junk!
2. The pain is back. Not to the same degree it was when I started the oxygen treatment, most of the time I'm still at a four or five on the one to ten scale, but there are days when it jumps to a ten, and I also have a new pain in my hips that despite what my doctor and nurse practitioner has said, I don't believe that pain is RSD related. Other health related issues includes a swollen stomach. The middle of my stomach has always been raised, but not like this. And the "modeling", or the discoloration that is always on my extremities, is now on my stomach. My mom has talked to the nurse practitioner and she wants me to see a doctor in the same office just in case it's not RSD. That's the thing with RSD; if another health problem arises, you have to make sure it's not something else besides it. And when it comes to things like my stomach swelling, I really do hope it's just RSD. At least I know how to deal with that. At the same time it's really hard to deal with the fact that despite my small frame, I'm wearing a size ten pants. While there are many people much heavier then I am, I have always thought that one of the few things I had going on for me physically was my body, and now I may have lost that...
3. The problem with my sister (N) has been one hill on the great roller coaster of life after another. One week she's clean, the next week she's using. Right now she tells us that while she's trying not to use, she refuses to go to any type of therapy, be it AA, or an individual psychologist or psychiatrist, because "they make her sad". In my opinion if she's ever going to beat this thing she's going to have to confront the reasons why she is the way she is. Maybe I'm wrong and the way she grew up has no bearing on who she is (as I've heard more then once out of the mouth of psychologist majors), but like I've said before, that's a bigger load of crap then I've ever cleaned up from our biggest dog yet.
In completely new news, I have bought my own pet rabbit. Her name is Cookie and she's mostly white with black spots (someone told me she looks like cookies and cream ice cream, which while the reason we named her cookie was b/c we thought she looks like an Oreo, she doesn't have enough black in her so the cookies and cream analogy makes more sense). We don't know how old she is (the pet store told us she is under a year old), but I think she is very much a baby. In the coming weeks, months, and years I will probably tell you all about her antics (like the fact that since baby rabbits aren't quite sure how to hop correctly, every now and then when she's out of her cage she will spring up into the air to feet twice her size, it's really quite a sight, and I think I'll miss it when she gets older), now is not the time to get into them since I have bored you far too long today to go any further.
*She stands back, looks at all the writing on the mirror, walls, ceiling, and floor, and declares that now she has fully updated the cavern of stories of her life, and walks out, leaving the writing on the wall behind her, and whispers a happy* Blessed be
Saturday, March 24, 2007
The Truth About Social Security
Ok, so I know it's been a long time since I've said anything and I know you're all dying to know what's going on in my life (ha ha), but for the most part this entry will be nothing but a long ranting spell about the American Social Security System. So if you are waiting for me to tell you exactly what's going on in my life, that might take another month. Or maybe this entry will all include all the things going on in my life, I have decided yet. It's kinda like this blog; a little bit of this, a little bit of that, but in the end it all comes down to the same truth: life sux and then you die, fuck the world, let's go get high...
I heard that saying years ago when I was in High School. Back then I believed that if I could just sign up for social security, then everything would be perfect. Truthfully, I believed that until Tuesday, March 13, at about 1:30 in the afternoon. But let's go back a few steps and see how I got here...
Two years ago my parents and I finally decided that I should probably try to get social security disability because I probably won't be able to get a job any time soon. I applied in PA once, was denied, once in Maryland, and was denied, and finally once again in PA, and was denied. But the good thing is that after you go through the emotional roller coaster that is applying three times you get to actually go before a judge a say "look, just because my disease is not on your list of diseases that will cause me to not be able to work (there aren't many diseases that are on that list) doesn't mean that I'm not disabled." And the judge gets to look at all your work history and doctors reports and decide if you truly are disabled. Then after all that you get to go to about a thousand different meetings and get sent piles of paper work only to learn that the 30,000 some odd dollars that your lawyer said you were going to get in back money (because you believe her right because she's the lawyer and she's done this a thousand times before) is actually going to be somewhere around 3,000, and the house you thought you might be getting goes away where all your other dreams have gone: down the tubes.
By the way, back money is the government's way of saying "we're sorry, we didn't know that you were telling the truth two years ago when you said you were disabled, so now we are going to pay you back the money you should have been getting if you had been accepted like you should have been." And you get all the total amount of money that's each month's pay times the number of months that you didn't get social security when you should have.
That's the way it's supposed to work anyway. But then you find out that they get to take some money away for your lawyer, and because: you lived with your parents, they gave you money, heaven forbid you had more then 2,000 dollars in your bank account at some point during the time the government should have been paying you, but if you did, they don't count that month. That's right ladies and gentleman: a person on disability is not allowed to have more then 2,000 dollars in any bank account at any one time. You are not allowed to save for such things as a car, a house, a wedding.. you get the picture. So you have to cheat the system and get your parents or someone else who has a bank account to put some of your money away for you so that you may be able to save up for some of those things that are all part of the American dream. I guess disabled people aren't allowed to dream.
Sigh...I'm sorry...I'm just very depressed, and very angry. I can't get over this and I'm not sure I will any time fast. So let us be away children so we can contemplate all that we have learned today. And remember: this entry has been sponsored by the letter S, for social, security, and suck it. Until next time!
I heard that saying years ago when I was in High School. Back then I believed that if I could just sign up for social security, then everything would be perfect. Truthfully, I believed that until Tuesday, March 13, at about 1:30 in the afternoon. But let's go back a few steps and see how I got here...
Two years ago my parents and I finally decided that I should probably try to get social security disability because I probably won't be able to get a job any time soon. I applied in PA once, was denied, once in Maryland, and was denied, and finally once again in PA, and was denied. But the good thing is that after you go through the emotional roller coaster that is applying three times you get to actually go before a judge a say "look, just because my disease is not on your list of diseases that will cause me to not be able to work (there aren't many diseases that are on that list) doesn't mean that I'm not disabled." And the judge gets to look at all your work history and doctors reports and decide if you truly are disabled. Then after all that you get to go to about a thousand different meetings and get sent piles of paper work only to learn that the 30,000 some odd dollars that your lawyer said you were going to get in back money (because you believe her right because she's the lawyer and she's done this a thousand times before) is actually going to be somewhere around 3,000, and the house you thought you might be getting goes away where all your other dreams have gone: down the tubes.
By the way, back money is the government's way of saying "we're sorry, we didn't know that you were telling the truth two years ago when you said you were disabled, so now we are going to pay you back the money you should have been getting if you had been accepted like you should have been." And you get all the total amount of money that's each month's pay times the number of months that you didn't get social security when you should have.
That's the way it's supposed to work anyway. But then you find out that they get to take some money away for your lawyer, and because: you lived with your parents, they gave you money, heaven forbid you had more then 2,000 dollars in your bank account at some point during the time the government should have been paying you, but if you did, they don't count that month. That's right ladies and gentleman: a person on disability is not allowed to have more then 2,000 dollars in any bank account at any one time. You are not allowed to save for such things as a car, a house, a wedding.. you get the picture. So you have to cheat the system and get your parents or someone else who has a bank account to put some of your money away for you so that you may be able to save up for some of those things that are all part of the American dream. I guess disabled people aren't allowed to dream.
Sigh...I'm sorry...I'm just very depressed, and very angry. I can't get over this and I'm not sure I will any time fast. So let us be away children so we can contemplate all that we have learned today. And remember: this entry has been sponsored by the letter S, for social, security, and suck it. Until next time!
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
I'M BACK!!!!
Ok so I was told to try MySpace. I was told it's so much better then writing your blog on here because you get to customize it and blah blah blah....
The truth is the only real difference is you get to pick from a giant list of emotions how you are feeling, and then you get to pick from a very tiny list of things you are doing. What's a blog for if not for telling how your feeling and what your doing with your life. So on this blog I will say that I'm feeling excited that I'm back on blogger, tired because stupid insomnia is keeping me up again, excited because the tube is working, and sad for a whole bunch of reasons. Allow me to explain:
I've already talked about my excitement for being back on blogger so I think I'll talk about the bad stuff first, get it out of the way and end on a good note. The truth is that lately I've been thinking a lot about suicide. I haven't really had a good heart to heart conversation with a really good friend in a very long time (that's probably because I only have a few really good friend that I would tell all this stuff to, J, P, and sometimes M, and they have their own lives so we hardly ever talk.) I'm still very slowly developing the new friendships I have, and until those turn into really good friendships or until they read this blog, they aren't going to hear about these types of problems. I mean sure, they are going to hear that I'm tired of not having friends, and maybe they will hear that one time a few days ago I thought about suicide, but they won't hear how tired I am of not having a lot of good friends, or about the fact that suicide is constantly in the back of my mind right now, making it hard to take my medication without thinking about it. Like I've said a thousand times before, when it comes right down to it I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO LIVE! I want a job and friends. I want to make something of my life rather then just volunteering. I want to really work for these groups, make it my full time job. But of course my body can't handle an eight hour work day and no one wants to hire someone who can barely work for three hours straight without taking a nap. Sigh....like they say, same shit different day. Maybe that soldier was right, maybe this isn't something completely different, but just the same crap spilled out of a different mouth. But the truth is it's not. Not many people have heard of RSD and even fewer people realize that people who have debilitating disabilities like mine can get up every morning and at least attempt to make a name for themselves, and some actually do. But the repetitiveness is the reason why I'm not going to talk about the insomnia so if this is your first time here you're just going to have to deal with it.
The treatment that I am getting right now is called a hyperbaric oxygenation chamber, but I fondly refer to it as the tube. This is because all the treatment is is sitting in a tube for an hour and a half while they give you oxygen. THAT'S IT! And guess what? IT'S WORKING! The only side affect of it is that when they are slowly turning up the pressure of the oxygen your ears pop, and when they are slowly turning it down your ears pop again, but while the pressure is level you feel nothing at all. Doesn't that sound incredibly easy? I sure think it is, at least compared to needles and tubes going across my lungs and being put in a coma...
There are other exciting things to talk about, like the fact that I might soon be getting a home. I will talk about that on here, but if I can remember that site that has my list of goals on it (is it 43 things or 39...) I honestly can't remember and will have to go back in my database of blogs and find the site address. This is why you should never delete your old entries people! You never know if you are going to use them to look for a web site address you once used or even to write a book. I've heard about people doing that, taking their blogs and writing a book out of it. Right now I'm writing a fictional story that I may or may not have told you about, I'll have to check (see what I mean about keeping your entries!) But for now it seems that I am finally tired, and I'm going to try to run to bed so I don't loose this feeling and end up having to find something to do at 4am. So till next time dear readers.
Blessed be!
The truth is the only real difference is you get to pick from a giant list of emotions how you are feeling, and then you get to pick from a very tiny list of things you are doing. What's a blog for if not for telling how your feeling and what your doing with your life. So on this blog I will say that I'm feeling excited that I'm back on blogger, tired because stupid insomnia is keeping me up again, excited because the tube is working, and sad for a whole bunch of reasons. Allow me to explain:
I've already talked about my excitement for being back on blogger so I think I'll talk about the bad stuff first, get it out of the way and end on a good note. The truth is that lately I've been thinking a lot about suicide. I haven't really had a good heart to heart conversation with a really good friend in a very long time (that's probably because I only have a few really good friend that I would tell all this stuff to, J, P, and sometimes M, and they have their own lives so we hardly ever talk.) I'm still very slowly developing the new friendships I have, and until those turn into really good friendships or until they read this blog, they aren't going to hear about these types of problems. I mean sure, they are going to hear that I'm tired of not having friends, and maybe they will hear that one time a few days ago I thought about suicide, but they won't hear how tired I am of not having a lot of good friends, or about the fact that suicide is constantly in the back of my mind right now, making it hard to take my medication without thinking about it. Like I've said a thousand times before, when it comes right down to it I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I WANT TO LIVE! I want a job and friends. I want to make something of my life rather then just volunteering. I want to really work for these groups, make it my full time job. But of course my body can't handle an eight hour work day and no one wants to hire someone who can barely work for three hours straight without taking a nap. Sigh....like they say, same shit different day. Maybe that soldier was right, maybe this isn't something completely different, but just the same crap spilled out of a different mouth. But the truth is it's not. Not many people have heard of RSD and even fewer people realize that people who have debilitating disabilities like mine can get up every morning and at least attempt to make a name for themselves, and some actually do. But the repetitiveness is the reason why I'm not going to talk about the insomnia so if this is your first time here you're just going to have to deal with it.
The treatment that I am getting right now is called a hyperbaric oxygenation chamber, but I fondly refer to it as the tube. This is because all the treatment is is sitting in a tube for an hour and a half while they give you oxygen. THAT'S IT! And guess what? IT'S WORKING! The only side affect of it is that when they are slowly turning up the pressure of the oxygen your ears pop, and when they are slowly turning it down your ears pop again, but while the pressure is level you feel nothing at all. Doesn't that sound incredibly easy? I sure think it is, at least compared to needles and tubes going across my lungs and being put in a coma...
There are other exciting things to talk about, like the fact that I might soon be getting a home. I will talk about that on here, but if I can remember that site that has my list of goals on it (is it 43 things or 39...) I honestly can't remember and will have to go back in my database of blogs and find the site address. This is why you should never delete your old entries people! You never know if you are going to use them to look for a web site address you once used or even to write a book. I've heard about people doing that, taking their blogs and writing a book out of it. Right now I'm writing a fictional story that I may or may not have told you about, I'll have to check (see what I mean about keeping your entries!) But for now it seems that I am finally tired, and I'm going to try to run to bed so I don't loose this feeling and end up having to find something to do at 4am. So till next time dear readers.
Blessed be!
Thursday, February 01, 2007
I'VE MOVED!
I've moved! Look for my blog on Myspace (I hate that I have to go there, but since I many of my friends, old and new, use it and love it, I'm going to be there from now until I decide to go to a new blog, come back here, or just never blog again. Look for Andrea (yes now you know my name), artistinme82, or just search Myspace blogs for anyone of the many topics you have seen, or just go to http://blog.myspace.com/artistinme82 lol! Hope all you loyal friends follow me!
Friday, January 19, 2007
I'm Scared of What People Think
Hi, My name is (hi ) and I'm scared of what people think (people clap, and then I take my seat as another person who is scared of what people think gets up. Except there is no other person. At my age I shouldn't care what people think. I shouldn't care that people think that homosexuality is wrong or that if I'm a pagan I'm going straight to hell. At 24 I believe that if the judge at the hearing on Tuesday says no I can't get the social security disability then it will be my fault. Is there anyone else out there like me? I don't know. I don't even have a reason for why I'm scared anymore. Yes, people in school made fun of me. Even in college, when people are supposed to have grown out of their nasty habits, they made fun of me. But that doesn't mean anything. I know lots of kids that were made fun of in school and didn't give two shits about it. I have always cared. If it's because I think it's my life's duty to help people...wait a minute that excuse doesn't work either. I shouldn't care what people think if I think I'm supposed to help them. I should help them regardless of whether they think I'm a geek or a nerd or whatever for doing it.
Or is it a good excuse? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I stop myself from reading spell books because if I do people might think that what I'm doing is wrong. I stop myself from flirting from what is probably a great person just because society says it's wrong. And why? I really don't know anymore. I want not to care. I want to say fuck you to whoever makes fun of me and go on flirting and read the books and do the spells no matter what they say.
Except my brain doesn't work that way. My brain is constantly telling me that I have to care what people and if they think bad things about me then they're right. But wait a minute...what about the people that do like me? Why don't I listen to what they say? Now there's something that doesn't make sense. But then my brain says "it's because the people who like you are wrong" and I want to say NO THEY'RE NOT! AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OUT OF MY HEAD! But you know what...I've said all those things. Been there, said that, have many many t-shirts. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Someone please tell me that there's a way to deal with it so I can fall further in like with J. and so I can become a better pagan. I want to be happy and the only way I'm going to do that is to listen and believe the people who tell me that I'm a good person and tell the people who think I'm going straight to hell or that what I do isn't natural that I hope for their sake the goddess isn't listening. Because if she is they're going to get a hell of a lot of karma on their ass.
Well, I was right when I told my mother that writing the things you are feeling out in a blog or in a diary really does make you feel better about them. Tomorrow I'm going to finish cleaning up my worship area and I'm going to do my concentrating and then I'm going to read about some spells. And if someone out there doesn't like it or thinks I should have talked to Jesus before I decided to become a Pagan, you'd better watch your karma, because it could bite you in the ass.
Till next time America!
Or is it a good excuse? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I stop myself from reading spell books because if I do people might think that what I'm doing is wrong. I stop myself from flirting from what is probably a great person just because society says it's wrong. And why? I really don't know anymore. I want not to care. I want to say fuck you to whoever makes fun of me and go on flirting and read the books and do the spells no matter what they say.
Except my brain doesn't work that way. My brain is constantly telling me that I have to care what people and if they think bad things about me then they're right. But wait a minute...what about the people that do like me? Why don't I listen to what they say? Now there's something that doesn't make sense. But then my brain says "it's because the people who like you are wrong" and I want to say NO THEY'RE NOT! AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OUT OF MY HEAD! But you know what...I've said all those things. Been there, said that, have many many t-shirts. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Someone please tell me that there's a way to deal with it so I can fall further in like with J. and so I can become a better pagan. I want to be happy and the only way I'm going to do that is to listen and believe the people who tell me that I'm a good person and tell the people who think I'm going straight to hell or that what I do isn't natural that I hope for their sake the goddess isn't listening. Because if she is they're going to get a hell of a lot of karma on their ass.
Well, I was right when I told my mother that writing the things you are feeling out in a blog or in a diary really does make you feel better about them. Tomorrow I'm going to finish cleaning up my worship area and I'm going to do my concentrating and then I'm going to read about some spells. And if someone out there doesn't like it or thinks I should have talked to Jesus before I decided to become a Pagan, you'd better watch your karma, because it could bite you in the ass.
Till next time America!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
I'm falling in like with a beautiful person. This person likes sociology, likes to write and sing. This person is falling in like with me as well. This person is also female. I first sent a message to J. a few weeks ago. She sent a message back but because I do not actually have a subscription to the personals site I was unable to reply to her. I really wanted to reply so my friend M. showed me how you can find anyone online by searching for them. Lucky for me I was able to find her and we have been talking ever since.
You are probably wondering why I didn't tell you she is a she in the first place. The thing is, I'm scared of that fact. Not because the idea of being with a woman is scary to me, but the idea of what people will say because of the fact that I am falling in like with a woman. I was made fun of in High School even before I came out. My family is great about the fact that I'm bi, but the rest of the world isn't. These thoughts came more to the forefront when I watched an episode of True Life on MTV called "I'm Coming Out" or something of that nature. In the story each of the people that were coming out were dating someone that had come out years before, and there was trouble because everytime some one in the out side world said something the person who had newly come out would either get all mad and yell back, or would hide their face and want to cry. Which one am I? Well honestly I'm both, it all depends on the mood I'm in. If I'm feeling brave and tough and think that the person won't come after me for saying something, I'll say something back. But if I'm feeling self conscious about myself and the person and/or the person says something REALLY mean then I'll want to run away and hide. Still, if I love someone, no matter if they are girl or guy, I will not stop loving them just because someone tells me that it's wrong. Trust me, I've stayed with the person even when the people saying this were my friends and I should have listened to them.
There are other things going on in my life right now that aren't so good. My sister is still in rehab (did I talk about that the last time I wrote a blog? I don't remember) and next Tuesday I'm going to have to go before a judge and explain to them why I think I need social security benefits. They are telling me that the two things going against me are my age and my education level. So basically if I was 45 and had sat on my ass all my life and done nothing, I would have gotten the money. What a world.
I shouldn't say that. That's what my mom says all the time, because a lot of the things in her life have not been easy. But frankly I think she needs to look at the good side of things. Yes, N. is in rehab but she went in by herself and she really wants to get better. Yes I have to go before the judge but we pulled a really good judge and if we win I could be able to pay off my school loans and get an apartment...
I'm just tired of hearing her say things like if only she didn't have children or if only this or if only that....why not things like because i have kids i have more love...or something...I don't know! But the point is that if you are constantly looking at the bad side of life eventually things will just get too bad for you to live! Now since it's my mother that's a really scary thought...
Sigh...and she's against me exploring the thing with J.....which really sux but I'm going to explore it anyway and see what happens. Because...well because I haven't been in like for a very long time that's why. But now my hand is once again starting to hurt from typing and I'm getting a little tired so I will sign off from here and hope that more good things happen tomorrow. Till next time world!
You are probably wondering why I didn't tell you she is a she in the first place. The thing is, I'm scared of that fact. Not because the idea of being with a woman is scary to me, but the idea of what people will say because of the fact that I am falling in like with a woman. I was made fun of in High School even before I came out. My family is great about the fact that I'm bi, but the rest of the world isn't. These thoughts came more to the forefront when I watched an episode of True Life on MTV called "I'm Coming Out" or something of that nature. In the story each of the people that were coming out were dating someone that had come out years before, and there was trouble because everytime some one in the out side world said something the person who had newly come out would either get all mad and yell back, or would hide their face and want to cry. Which one am I? Well honestly I'm both, it all depends on the mood I'm in. If I'm feeling brave and tough and think that the person won't come after me for saying something, I'll say something back. But if I'm feeling self conscious about myself and the person and/or the person says something REALLY mean then I'll want to run away and hide. Still, if I love someone, no matter if they are girl or guy, I will not stop loving them just because someone tells me that it's wrong. Trust me, I've stayed with the person even when the people saying this were my friends and I should have listened to them.
There are other things going on in my life right now that aren't so good. My sister is still in rehab (did I talk about that the last time I wrote a blog? I don't remember) and next Tuesday I'm going to have to go before a judge and explain to them why I think I need social security benefits. They are telling me that the two things going against me are my age and my education level. So basically if I was 45 and had sat on my ass all my life and done nothing, I would have gotten the money. What a world.
I shouldn't say that. That's what my mom says all the time, because a lot of the things in her life have not been easy. But frankly I think she needs to look at the good side of things. Yes, N. is in rehab but she went in by herself and she really wants to get better. Yes I have to go before the judge but we pulled a really good judge and if we win I could be able to pay off my school loans and get an apartment...
I'm just tired of hearing her say things like if only she didn't have children or if only this or if only that....why not things like because i have kids i have more love...or something...I don't know! But the point is that if you are constantly looking at the bad side of life eventually things will just get too bad for you to live! Now since it's my mother that's a really scary thought...
Sigh...and she's against me exploring the thing with J.....which really sux but I'm going to explore it anyway and see what happens. Because...well because I haven't been in like for a very long time that's why. But now my hand is once again starting to hurt from typing and I'm getting a little tired so I will sign off from here and hope that more good things happen tomorrow. Till next time world!
Sunday, January 14, 2007
The Difference Between Want And Need
I really need to do this more often. I forgot that when there is no one to bitch at, putting it out on paper really helps.
I tried to call J. again today. He told me when he went back CA that he wouldn't have a lot of time to talk. Still a good voice that I know understands my voice and will talk to me about anything but the pain just to keep my mind off is something I really really need.
But I guess it's just a want. Just like my sister constantly wants drugs, I constantly want someone to be there for me to talk to. She's in a rehab center right now (this is N., not S.), one that is for people who are addicted to drugs that are also bi-polar. I really hope this one works because I can't handle one more cycle of yey she's better, she's bad, she's worse, she's awful, yey she's better. I just can't handle it anymore. But you know it isn't the rehab center's fault. Even if some of them really don't know what they are doing, if my sister found a shrink that she liked and stayed with him or her for a while instead of saying they don't like me, and stayed with a job instead of insisting she had to leave because "everyone's just too happy".
Oh, and I do have to make this note. I do not, nor have I ever believed, that it is wrong to drink on occasion. My grandmother saw her father abuse every single one of his children except her. She saw how her brothers and sisters grew up into alcoholics themselves that again abused everyone in the family. Yes, alcohol can cause horrible things to happen. But if I want to have one drink every week while my family and I watch football there is nothing wrong with that, and, if you are over age, there is nothing wrong with you do it either dear reader.
And, dear reader, if you are involved in any kind of grass roots organization, be it one that is part of our government or tries to put in a new government, and no one is doing any of the work, trust me, I know what you are going through. But that is enough for this time. I don't feel like going into a long dissertation. Till next time. Blessed be!
I tried to call J. again today. He told me when he went back CA that he wouldn't have a lot of time to talk. Still a good voice that I know understands my voice and will talk to me about anything but the pain just to keep my mind off is something I really really need.
But I guess it's just a want. Just like my sister constantly wants drugs, I constantly want someone to be there for me to talk to. She's in a rehab center right now (this is N., not S.), one that is for people who are addicted to drugs that are also bi-polar. I really hope this one works because I can't handle one more cycle of yey she's better, she's bad, she's worse, she's awful, yey she's better. I just can't handle it anymore. But you know it isn't the rehab center's fault. Even if some of them really don't know what they are doing, if my sister found a shrink that she liked and stayed with him or her for a while instead of saying they don't like me, and stayed with a job instead of insisting she had to leave because "everyone's just too happy".
Oh, and I do have to make this note. I do not, nor have I ever believed, that it is wrong to drink on occasion. My grandmother saw her father abuse every single one of his children except her. She saw how her brothers and sisters grew up into alcoholics themselves that again abused everyone in the family. Yes, alcohol can cause horrible things to happen. But if I want to have one drink every week while my family and I watch football there is nothing wrong with that, and, if you are over age, there is nothing wrong with you do it either dear reader.
And, dear reader, if you are involved in any kind of grass roots organization, be it one that is part of our government or tries to put in a new government, and no one is doing any of the work, trust me, I know what you are going through. But that is enough for this time. I don't feel like going into a long dissertation. Till next time. Blessed be!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
On things that annoy me and learning to love my self
I know I haven't written in here in a long time but for a long time I was like "what's the point?". But then I remembered the reason why I do it: actually I realized again that no one really wants to know how I'm doing, even when they ask, they would just like me to say "I'm fine" and talk about stupid things like online games and things such as this. I really shouldn't say that. There is this girl that I talk to online that her only escape from life is her online games. She has depression. At first I tried to help her but then I realized that a major part of of the reason she is depressed is because EVERYTHING makes her sick to her stomach. The idea of what Hitler did to the Jews makes her sick to her stomach, the idea of what happened during the McCarthy era makes her sick to her stomach, and on and on and on! And I know these are horrible things but after a while it's like GET OVER IT LADY! But I feel bad for her. She doesn't have a job and she spends most of her day online and you can tell that she is not happy where she is. The trouble is that she really doesn't do anything about it. she tries to help everyone else with their problems but does nothing to help herself. UGH!
Maybe I should just spend this blog session talking about the things that annoy me. Like myspace. Does everyone and their mom have to insist that myspace is the greatest thing since sliced bread? And yes, I do realize that you should listen to what people say about the good stuff that can be found on that site and not just what the media says, but the basic argument to go on it is always the same: you can connect with old friends their, and you can make new ones. BIG DEAL! I can go to a bar three blocks from my house and do that (ok so I'm exaggerating, it's a little more then three blocks but you know what I mean).
Ok so that's the things that annoy me that don't really affect me on a daily basis. Now let's talk about one of the things that does: drugs. My sister N. is using again. I'm tired of believing that she is better and then learning that the day she came out of the rehab center she started using again. My mom is now trying to find her a long term drug rehab center. My sister says she wants to do it, says she wants to get better, but at the same time continues to do the same things over and over again. I know that's because she's addicted to it, so maybe I'm stupid or something but I don't get addiction. For example lets say hitting your big toe with a hammer was addicting. Lets say I get some sort of thrill out of it, but that thrill (just like with drugs) only lasted for a few minutes, and after words I would have to deal with the excruciating pain of a broken toe. Then, and EVEN WHILE I'M STILL FEELING THAT PAIN I decide to do it again. Like I said, even if it was addicting, the fact that the pain of the broken toe lasts much longer then the high should keep a person who was addicted from doing it again right? WRONG! They do it again and again and AGAIN! I don't fucking get it!
I should also tell you about my new years resolutions. There are many of them, so I'll just tell you about the most important one. I am trying to teach myself to love myself. This seems like an impossible feet. yet at the same time I have a lot of people who are acting like coaches and cheerleaders (sometimes both at the same time) and helping me along the way. One of the things I am trying to do is us positive reinforcement statements. This is when I say things like "I love myself" out loud, over and over and over again, until it finally comes true. Don't worry, I'm also doing other things but that's just one of the major ones that seems to be working.
I was going to try to say a lot more today but as it turns out I hardly slept a wink last night so I am very tired so I am going to try to do the impossible and fall asleep before one am. Pray for me, send positive vibes, whatever you think will help, because I'm going to need it. Until next time...
Blessed be!
Maybe I should just spend this blog session talking about the things that annoy me. Like myspace. Does everyone and their mom have to insist that myspace is the greatest thing since sliced bread? And yes, I do realize that you should listen to what people say about the good stuff that can be found on that site and not just what the media says, but the basic argument to go on it is always the same: you can connect with old friends their, and you can make new ones. BIG DEAL! I can go to a bar three blocks from my house and do that (ok so I'm exaggerating, it's a little more then three blocks but you know what I mean).
Ok so that's the things that annoy me that don't really affect me on a daily basis. Now let's talk about one of the things that does: drugs. My sister N. is using again. I'm tired of believing that she is better and then learning that the day she came out of the rehab center she started using again. My mom is now trying to find her a long term drug rehab center. My sister says she wants to do it, says she wants to get better, but at the same time continues to do the same things over and over again. I know that's because she's addicted to it, so maybe I'm stupid or something but I don't get addiction. For example lets say hitting your big toe with a hammer was addicting. Lets say I get some sort of thrill out of it, but that thrill (just like with drugs) only lasted for a few minutes, and after words I would have to deal with the excruciating pain of a broken toe. Then, and EVEN WHILE I'M STILL FEELING THAT PAIN I decide to do it again. Like I said, even if it was addicting, the fact that the pain of the broken toe lasts much longer then the high should keep a person who was addicted from doing it again right? WRONG! They do it again and again and AGAIN! I don't fucking get it!
I should also tell you about my new years resolutions. There are many of them, so I'll just tell you about the most important one. I am trying to teach myself to love myself. This seems like an impossible feet. yet at the same time I have a lot of people who are acting like coaches and cheerleaders (sometimes both at the same time) and helping me along the way. One of the things I am trying to do is us positive reinforcement statements. This is when I say things like "I love myself" out loud, over and over and over again, until it finally comes true. Don't worry, I'm also doing other things but that's just one of the major ones that seems to be working.
I was going to try to say a lot more today but as it turns out I hardly slept a wink last night so I am very tired so I am going to try to do the impossible and fall asleep before one am. Pray for me, send positive vibes, whatever you think will help, because I'm going to need it. Until next time...
Blessed be!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
