On things that annoy me and learning to love my self

I know I haven't written in here in a long time but for a long time I was like "what's the point?". But then I remembered the reason why I do it: actually I realized again that no one really wants to know how I'm doing, even when they ask, they would just like me to say "I'm fine" and talk about stupid things like online games and things such as this. I really shouldn't say that. There is this girl that I talk to online that her only escape from life is her online games. She has depression. At first I tried to help her but then I realized that a major part of of the reason she is depressed is because EVERYTHING makes her sick to her stomach. The idea of what Hitler did to the Jews makes her sick to her stomach, the idea of what happened during the McCarthy era makes her sick to her stomach, and on and on and on! And I know these are horrible things but after a while it's like GET OVER IT LADY! But I feel bad for her. She doesn't have a job and she spends most of her day online and you can tell that she is not happy where she is. The trouble is that she really doesn't do anything about it. she tries to help everyone else with their problems but does nothing to help herself. UGH!

Maybe I should just spend this blog session talking about the things that annoy me. Like myspace. Does everyone and their mom have to insist that myspace is the greatest thing since sliced bread? And yes, I do realize that you should listen to what people say about the good stuff that can be found on that site and not just what the media says, but the basic argument to go on it is always the same: you can connect with old friends their, and you can make new ones. BIG DEAL! I can go to a bar three blocks from my house and do that (ok so I'm exaggerating, it's a little more then three blocks but you know what I mean).

Ok so that's the things that annoy me that don't really affect me on a daily basis. Now let's talk about one of the things that does: drugs. My sister N. is using again. I'm tired of believing that she is better and then learning that the day she came out of the rehab center she started using again. My mom is now trying to find her a long term drug rehab center. My sister says she wants to do it, says she wants to get better, but at the same time continues to do the same things over and over again. I know that's because she's addicted to it, so maybe I'm stupid or something but I don't get addiction. For example lets say hitting your big toe with a hammer was addicting. Lets say I get some sort of thrill out of it, but that thrill (just like with drugs) only lasted for a few minutes, and after words I would have to deal with the excruciating pain of a broken toe. Then, and EVEN WHILE I'M STILL FEELING THAT PAIN I decide to do it again. Like I said, even if it was addicting, the fact that the pain of the broken toe lasts much longer then the high should keep a person who was addicted from doing it again right? WRONG! They do it again and again and AGAIN! I don't fucking get it!

I should also tell you about my new years resolutions. There are many of them, so I'll just tell you about the most important one. I am trying to teach myself to love myself. This seems like an impossible feet. yet at the same time I have a lot of people who are acting like coaches and cheerleaders (sometimes both at the same time) and helping me along the way. One of the things I am trying to do is us positive reinforcement statements. This is when I say things like "I love myself" out loud, over and over and over again, until it finally comes true. Don't worry, I'm also doing other things but that's just one of the major ones that seems to be working.

I was going to try to say a lot more today but as it turns out I hardly slept a wink last night so I am very tired so I am going to try to do the impossible and fall asleep before one am. Pray for me, send positive vibes, whatever you think will help, because I'm going to need it. Until next time...

Blessed be!