The Only Thing We Have To Fear...

Ok, it's truth time.

I am reading this book "How to Be Your Own Therapist: A Step-By-Step Guide to Building a Competent, Confident Life. I truly believe this book was written for me, for it talks about the reasons I am at the point where I am right now, and gives suggestions on how to make that better. I'm not talking about the suggestions here; I'm telling the truth about the reasons I'm here.

First and for most, when you break it down to it's smallest pieces, the reason I am where I am (at least the reason that I can control) is fear. Of all the things I fear, I am most afraid of failing. This has long been ingrained in my head. Whether or not she planned it or not, from the time I was very small my mother has told my sisters and I that we must learn to support ourselves. At the time I think (and she'll tell me this is true, that what she meant was we shouldn't have to have a partner in order to get the things that we want. This does not mean she's against marriage, but instead believes you should be out on your own for a while, and not take the help of anyone else....

But I wonder if she ever thought about support coming the government, rather then a partner. I'm sure that when she told us those words, she truly meant we shouldn't get ANYONE'S help, but I'm also sure that she has now changed her tune. There are times when a person has to lean on other people for help. I'm also sure that my mother does not believe that even though I have RSD that I should go out on my own, that the support I get from both the government and her and my father is necessary.

However.

That does not mean I feel any better about having to use the government and my parents support in order to sustain myself. I truly believe that I should be out there at least supporting myself in part, even if it is a small part. I truly believe I have failed. My dreams have not come true and I am not living on my own.

However.

That doesn't mean I am lying around the house doing nothing. It also doesn't mean that while I do things, I don't get out of the house. The things I do happen both inside and outside the house, and also involve other people. This week alone I have three meetings, and while that does not sound like a lot, when your sympathetic nervous system is constantly running like mine is, three meetings in one week is a lot. That also doesn't count the auction I am going to on Saturday, and then the fact that I have to start all over again The next week.

Ok so I've gone a little off course and haven't really been talking about the things I fear, so here's another:

I am deathly afraid of people seeing me as not good enough. While I'm aware that many people in the groups I run and am apart of TELL me they think I'm capable, that doesn't mean it's the truth. And maybe it is the truth, and maybe I really am good looking, but...

Ah ha! Here's another fear:

I am afraid of being confident. That's right folks, despite all my whining about wanting to be confident, the idea of knowing everything I want to and doing everything I want to makes me very scared, for I fear that once I am up there that I will fail all the people who have come to have faith in me. Someone tell me if that makes sense...because I'm not sure I explained it correctly.

Also I'm afraid that it's a stupid thing to fear, which leads into my fear of being looked at as stupid, ugly, or any number of the things they used to call me back in grammar school...

Sigh...I really should just get over these things and live my life the best way I know how, and to take things minute by minute. That reminds me of one more fear: the fear that I will have insomnia all night long again...

So I'm going to get off of here and play some games and try to make myself tired enough to get to bed. Goodnight all.

Blessed be!