I'm Scared of What People Think

Hi, My name is (hi ) and I'm scared of what people think (people clap, and then I take my seat as another person who is scared of what people think gets up. Except there is no other person. At my age I shouldn't care what people think. I shouldn't care that people think that homosexuality is wrong or that if I'm a pagan I'm going straight to hell. At 24 I believe that if the judge at the hearing on Tuesday says no I can't get the social security disability then it will be my fault. Is there anyone else out there like me? I don't know. I don't even have a reason for why I'm scared anymore. Yes, people in school made fun of me. Even in college, when people are supposed to have grown out of their nasty habits, they made fun of me. But that doesn't mean anything. I know lots of kids that were made fun of in school and didn't give two shits about it. I have always cared. If it's because I think it's my life's duty to help people...wait a minute that excuse doesn't work either. I shouldn't care what people think if I think I'm supposed to help them. I should help them regardless of whether they think I'm a geek or a nerd or whatever for doing it.

Or is it a good excuse? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I stop myself from reading spell books because if I do people might think that what I'm doing is wrong. I stop myself from flirting from what is probably a great person just because society says it's wrong. And why? I really don't know anymore. I want not to care. I want to say fuck you to whoever makes fun of me and go on flirting and read the books and do the spells no matter what they say.

Except my brain doesn't work that way. My brain is constantly telling me that I have to care what people and if they think bad things about me then they're right. But wait a minute...what about the people that do like me? Why don't I listen to what they say? Now there's something that doesn't make sense. But then my brain says "it's because the people who like you are wrong" and I want to say NO THEY'RE NOT! AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OUT OF MY HEAD! But you know what...I've said all those things. Been there, said that, have many many t-shirts. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Someone please tell me that there's a way to deal with it so I can fall further in like with J. and so I can become a better pagan. I want to be happy and the only way I'm going to do that is to listen and believe the people who tell me that I'm a good person and tell the people who think I'm going straight to hell or that what I do isn't natural that I hope for their sake the goddess isn't listening. Because if she is they're going to get a hell of a lot of karma on their ass.

Well, I was right when I told my mother that writing the things you are feeling out in a blog or in a diary really does make you feel better about them. Tomorrow I'm going to finish cleaning up my worship area and I'm going to do my concentrating and then I'm going to read about some spells. And if someone out there doesn't like it or thinks I should have talked to Jesus before I decided to become a Pagan, you'd better watch your karma, because it could bite you in the ass.

Till next time America!

I'm falling in like with a beautiful person. This person likes sociology, likes to write and sing. This person is falling in like with me as well. This person is also female. I first sent a message to J. a few weeks ago. She sent a message back but because I do not actually have a subscription to the personals site I was unable to reply to her. I really wanted to reply so my friend M. showed me how you can find anyone online by searching for them. Lucky for me I was able to find her and we have been talking ever since.

You are probably wondering why I didn't tell you she is a she in the first place. The thing is, I'm scared of that fact. Not because the idea of being with a woman is scary to me, but the idea of what people will say because of the fact that I am falling in like with a woman. I was made fun of in High School even before I came out. My family is great about the fact that I'm bi, but the rest of the world isn't. These thoughts came more to the forefront when I watched an episode of True Life on MTV called "I'm Coming Out" or something of that nature. In the story each of the people that were coming out were dating someone that had come out years before, and there was trouble because everytime some one in the out side world said something the person who had newly come out would either get all mad and yell back, or would hide their face and want to cry. Which one am I? Well honestly I'm both, it all depends on the mood I'm in. If I'm feeling brave and tough and think that the person won't come after me for saying something, I'll say something back. But if I'm feeling self conscious about myself and the person and/or the person says something REALLY mean then I'll want to run away and hide. Still, if I love someone, no matter if they are girl or guy, I will not stop loving them just because someone tells me that it's wrong. Trust me, I've stayed with the person even when the people saying this were my friends and I should have listened to them.

There are other things going on in my life right now that aren't so good. My sister is still in rehab (did I talk about that the last time I wrote a blog? I don't remember) and next Tuesday I'm going to have to go before a judge and explain to them why I think I need social security benefits. They are telling me that the two things going against me are my age and my education level. So basically if I was 45 and had sat on my ass all my life and done nothing, I would have gotten the money. What a world.

I shouldn't say that. That's what my mom says all the time, because a lot of the things in her life have not been easy. But frankly I think she needs to look at the good side of things. Yes, N. is in rehab but she went in by herself and she really wants to get better. Yes I have to go before the judge but we pulled a really good judge and if we win I could be able to pay off my school loans and get an apartment...

I'm just tired of hearing her say things like if only she didn't have children or if only this or if only that....why not things like because i have kids i have more love...or something...I don't know! But the point is that if you are constantly looking at the bad side of life eventually things will just get too bad for you to live! Now since it's my mother that's a really scary thought...

Sigh...and she's against me exploring the thing with J.....which really sux but I'm going to explore it anyway and see what happens. Because...well because I haven't been in like for a very long time that's why. But now my hand is once again starting to hurt from typing and I'm getting a little tired so I will sign off from here and hope that more good things happen tomorrow. Till next time world!

The Difference Between Want And Need

I really need to do this more often. I forgot that when there is no one to bitch at, putting it out on paper really helps.

I tried to call J. again today. He told me when he went back CA that he wouldn't have a lot of time to talk. Still a good voice that I know understands my voice and will talk to me about anything but the pain just to keep my mind off is something I really really need.

But I guess it's just a want. Just like my sister constantly wants drugs, I constantly want someone to be there for me to talk to. She's in a rehab center right now (this is N., not S.), one that is for people who are addicted to drugs that are also bi-polar. I really hope this one works because I can't handle one more cycle of yey she's better, she's bad, she's worse, she's awful, yey she's better. I just can't handle it anymore. But you know it isn't the rehab center's fault. Even if some of them really don't know what they are doing, if my sister found a shrink that she liked and stayed with him or her for a while instead of saying they don't like me, and stayed with a job instead of insisting she had to leave because "everyone's just too happy".

Oh, and I do have to make this note. I do not, nor have I ever believed, that it is wrong to drink on occasion. My grandmother saw her father abuse every single one of his children except her. She saw how her brothers and sisters grew up into alcoholics themselves that again abused everyone in the family. Yes, alcohol can cause horrible things to happen. But if I want to have one drink every week while my family and I watch football there is nothing wrong with that, and, if you are over age, there is nothing wrong with you do it either dear reader.

And, dear reader, if you are involved in any kind of grass roots organization, be it one that is part of our government or tries to put in a new government, and no one is doing any of the work, trust me, I know what you are going through. But that is enough for this time. I don't feel like going into a long dissertation. Till next time. Blessed be!

On things that annoy me and learning to love my self

I know I haven't written in here in a long time but for a long time I was like "what's the point?". But then I remembered the reason why I do it: actually I realized again that no one really wants to know how I'm doing, even when they ask, they would just like me to say "I'm fine" and talk about stupid things like online games and things such as this. I really shouldn't say that. There is this girl that I talk to online that her only escape from life is her online games. She has depression. At first I tried to help her but then I realized that a major part of of the reason she is depressed is because EVERYTHING makes her sick to her stomach. The idea of what Hitler did to the Jews makes her sick to her stomach, the idea of what happened during the McCarthy era makes her sick to her stomach, and on and on and on! And I know these are horrible things but after a while it's like GET OVER IT LADY! But I feel bad for her. She doesn't have a job and she spends most of her day online and you can tell that she is not happy where she is. The trouble is that she really doesn't do anything about it. she tries to help everyone else with their problems but does nothing to help herself. UGH!

Maybe I should just spend this blog session talking about the things that annoy me. Like myspace. Does everyone and their mom have to insist that myspace is the greatest thing since sliced bread? And yes, I do realize that you should listen to what people say about the good stuff that can be found on that site and not just what the media says, but the basic argument to go on it is always the same: you can connect with old friends their, and you can make new ones. BIG DEAL! I can go to a bar three blocks from my house and do that (ok so I'm exaggerating, it's a little more then three blocks but you know what I mean).

Ok so that's the things that annoy me that don't really affect me on a daily basis. Now let's talk about one of the things that does: drugs. My sister N. is using again. I'm tired of believing that she is better and then learning that the day she came out of the rehab center she started using again. My mom is now trying to find her a long term drug rehab center. My sister says she wants to do it, says she wants to get better, but at the same time continues to do the same things over and over again. I know that's because she's addicted to it, so maybe I'm stupid or something but I don't get addiction. For example lets say hitting your big toe with a hammer was addicting. Lets say I get some sort of thrill out of it, but that thrill (just like with drugs) only lasted for a few minutes, and after words I would have to deal with the excruciating pain of a broken toe. Then, and EVEN WHILE I'M STILL FEELING THAT PAIN I decide to do it again. Like I said, even if it was addicting, the fact that the pain of the broken toe lasts much longer then the high should keep a person who was addicted from doing it again right? WRONG! They do it again and again and AGAIN! I don't fucking get it!

I should also tell you about my new years resolutions. There are many of them, so I'll just tell you about the most important one. I am trying to teach myself to love myself. This seems like an impossible feet. yet at the same time I have a lot of people who are acting like coaches and cheerleaders (sometimes both at the same time) and helping me along the way. One of the things I am trying to do is us positive reinforcement statements. This is when I say things like "I love myself" out loud, over and over and over again, until it finally comes true. Don't worry, I'm also doing other things but that's just one of the major ones that seems to be working.

I was going to try to say a lot more today but as it turns out I hardly slept a wink last night so I am very tired so I am going to try to do the impossible and fall asleep before one am. Pray for me, send positive vibes, whatever you think will help, because I'm going to need it. Until next time...

Blessed be!