I'm falling in like with a beautiful person. This person likes sociology, likes to write and sing. This person is falling in like with me as well. This person is also female. I first sent a message to J. a few weeks ago. She sent a message back but because I do not actually have a subscription to the personals site I was unable to reply to her. I really wanted to reply so my friend M. showed me how you can find anyone online by searching for them. Lucky for me I was able to find her and we have been talking ever since.

You are probably wondering why I didn't tell you she is a she in the first place. The thing is, I'm scared of that fact. Not because the idea of being with a woman is scary to me, but the idea of what people will say because of the fact that I am falling in like with a woman. I was made fun of in High School even before I came out. My family is great about the fact that I'm bi, but the rest of the world isn't. These thoughts came more to the forefront when I watched an episode of True Life on MTV called "I'm Coming Out" or something of that nature. In the story each of the people that were coming out were dating someone that had come out years before, and there was trouble because everytime some one in the out side world said something the person who had newly come out would either get all mad and yell back, or would hide their face and want to cry. Which one am I? Well honestly I'm both, it all depends on the mood I'm in. If I'm feeling brave and tough and think that the person won't come after me for saying something, I'll say something back. But if I'm feeling self conscious about myself and the person and/or the person says something REALLY mean then I'll want to run away and hide. Still, if I love someone, no matter if they are girl or guy, I will not stop loving them just because someone tells me that it's wrong. Trust me, I've stayed with the person even when the people saying this were my friends and I should have listened to them.

There are other things going on in my life right now that aren't so good. My sister is still in rehab (did I talk about that the last time I wrote a blog? I don't remember) and next Tuesday I'm going to have to go before a judge and explain to them why I think I need social security benefits. They are telling me that the two things going against me are my age and my education level. So basically if I was 45 and had sat on my ass all my life and done nothing, I would have gotten the money. What a world.

I shouldn't say that. That's what my mom says all the time, because a lot of the things in her life have not been easy. But frankly I think she needs to look at the good side of things. Yes, N. is in rehab but she went in by herself and she really wants to get better. Yes I have to go before the judge but we pulled a really good judge and if we win I could be able to pay off my school loans and get an apartment...

I'm just tired of hearing her say things like if only she didn't have children or if only this or if only that....why not things like because i have kids i have more love...or something...I don't know! But the point is that if you are constantly looking at the bad side of life eventually things will just get too bad for you to live! Now since it's my mother that's a really scary thought...

Sigh...and she's against me exploring the thing with J.....which really sux but I'm going to explore it anyway and see what happens. Because...well because I haven't been in like for a very long time that's why. But now my hand is once again starting to hurt from typing and I'm getting a little tired so I will sign off from here and hope that more good things happen tomorrow. Till next time world!