I'm Scared of What People Think

Hi, My name is (hi ) and I'm scared of what people think (people clap, and then I take my seat as another person who is scared of what people think gets up. Except there is no other person. At my age I shouldn't care what people think. I shouldn't care that people think that homosexuality is wrong or that if I'm a pagan I'm going straight to hell. At 24 I believe that if the judge at the hearing on Tuesday says no I can't get the social security disability then it will be my fault. Is there anyone else out there like me? I don't know. I don't even have a reason for why I'm scared anymore. Yes, people in school made fun of me. Even in college, when people are supposed to have grown out of their nasty habits, they made fun of me. But that doesn't mean anything. I know lots of kids that were made fun of in school and didn't give two shits about it. I have always cared. If it's because I think it's my life's duty to help people...wait a minute that excuse doesn't work either. I shouldn't care what people think if I think I'm supposed to help them. I should help them regardless of whether they think I'm a geek or a nerd or whatever for doing it.

Or is it a good excuse? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I stop myself from reading spell books because if I do people might think that what I'm doing is wrong. I stop myself from flirting from what is probably a great person just because society says it's wrong. And why? I really don't know anymore. I want not to care. I want to say fuck you to whoever makes fun of me and go on flirting and read the books and do the spells no matter what they say.

Except my brain doesn't work that way. My brain is constantly telling me that I have to care what people and if they think bad things about me then they're right. But wait a minute...what about the people that do like me? Why don't I listen to what they say? Now there's something that doesn't make sense. But then my brain says "it's because the people who like you are wrong" and I want to say NO THEY'RE NOT! AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OUT OF MY HEAD! But you know what...I've said all those things. Been there, said that, have many many t-shirts. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Someone please tell me that there's a way to deal with it so I can fall further in like with J. and so I can become a better pagan. I want to be happy and the only way I'm going to do that is to listen and believe the people who tell me that I'm a good person and tell the people who think I'm going straight to hell or that what I do isn't natural that I hope for their sake the goddess isn't listening. Because if she is they're going to get a hell of a lot of karma on their ass.

Well, I was right when I told my mother that writing the things you are feeling out in a blog or in a diary really does make you feel better about them. Tomorrow I'm going to finish cleaning up my worship area and I'm going to do my concentrating and then I'm going to read about some spells. And if someone out there doesn't like it or thinks I should have talked to Jesus before I decided to become a Pagan, you'd better watch your karma, because it could bite you in the ass.

Till next time America!