The things I Think About

I'm not sure why I'm writing this or even what I will write about. Just for some reason today my mind is so full of crap to that I deal with, crap that my parents and sisters deal with, crap that my friends deal with, crap that the world deals with and just crap in general that it makes me very tired. I hurt a lot today and I'm not sure why. Lately my pain has been coming back more and more and that scares me. Life in general scares me right now. I realize my age and what it means.

I guess the idea of having to handle things on my own has always scared me. Yes I'm an independent person but at the same time the idea of dealing with my RSD and the rest of my life by myself is such a frightening idea that I try not to think about it too much. I mean what would I have done if my parents weren't around when I found out about N's drug use? Even the smallest things could be harder with out my parents. Especially my mom. Even though she hates the fact that my dad and I fight a lot she still notices cases when it is my dad doing the antagonizing. My dad has this way of not listening to what people say and then he wonders why we get angry at him. For example. I don't know if I told this on here but I'm getting a house; all the details are not set into place yet so there is still the slightest chance that I might not get it. So of course I worry everyday about the chances of this wonderful house not being mine. Yesterday I went outside with my parents and said "did C (our realtor and also a friend of my mom's) call? and my mom says "no honey if she calls you'll be the first one to know. So we changed the subject for a while and then I said (just b/c i wanted to, not b/c i thought my parents were lying) "I worry about not getting the house." My mom started to say "honey you'll get it, it's just a matter of time." when my dad cut in and says "oh by the way C called". I wouldn't have been as angry if he hadn't been sitting right there when I asked if she called. It is also hard because he does this all the time. This house is extremely important to me (my dad and I also had a fight once about who wants this more, me or him. I don't think you can really know but he said "i want this more then you do! and i said "no you don't!" and he says "don't tell me how i feel!" so of course i said "WELL DON'T TELL ME HOW I FEEL!" so obviously when he does things like this it feels like he doesn't care at all.).

Then there's the problem with my heart. After all the tests it basically comes down to me and my decision. On the one hand I could get the catheter and I wouldn't have to have open heart surgery; but there is a chance that won't work, and my belief is that I'd rather go through surgery once and get it over with then keep putting my body through trauma (especially since any trauma might make the pain worse) over and over.

Then there's my sister. She's trying to stay clean but every time we think she is she uses again. I've gotten to the point where I will always believe she's using. She says that even when she sleeps so she doesn't have to think about it she dreams about it. On the one hand I want to pity her but on the other hand I feel she's done this to herself. Yes she had all kinds of emotional problems at a very young age but so have lots of other people (like J, he has more emotional problems then all the people in PA combined and he has never done drugs!) who have emotional problems and have never used. It's just frustrating.

Then on top of everything else I think about the world's problems. I think about the fact that we should have never been in Iraq. I think about the fact that I truly believe George Bush wants to put us at war with Iran. He's truly the scariest man in the world. I don't care who you mention, but most scary people know they are scary. Murderers know they're murderers, rapists know they're rapists. But the scariest people are those who believe they are doing the world a service, and that is what George Bush believes.

I think about far too many things. It seems that a lot of people with RSD worry about the world and worry about making those around them happy. I don't know how those who have had this for 20, 30, or even 40 years do it. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I'm going to go for now, but I just needed to get all of this out there. Till next time America.

Artistinme82