The Love Rant

You may or may not have noticed that I don't talk about this on here. That isn't because I don't think about it. Far from it. In fact I think about it so much that like an idiot it keeps me up at night. I used to think that asking whether you are in love or not is like asking whether or not you lost your virginity; if you don't know, you haven't or you aren't. But the truth is that I don't know.

I know what your thinking about...the "do they make you smile every time you see them?" kinds of questions are coming into your head right? Well unfortunately it's not that simple. You see, I don't see these people every day. As a matter of fact, it's been months since I've seen them and it will probably be years till I see them again, if ever again. You may be thinking that I can't be in love with more then one person at the same time. If I ever believed that then I really was stupid, or at least naive. You can be in love with more then one person, as a matter of fact, you can be "in like" with many people. Allow me to explain my current situation by telling you about the men in my life.

First, there's Kyle. Kyle is the most...god I want to say screwed up relationship because that may be what everyone else calls it but the thing is I don't. Yes, I did help him cheat on his wife. Yes, he does have many health problems. However, where the love comes from is in the fact that we understand each other on such an intimate level (and no, this has nothing to do with physically, I'm talking understanding each other on an emotional...almost spiritual level. We've been through so much together...I'm not going to justify this by saying that we didn't actually have intercourse, which we didn't. The truth is that I don't really care what the people reading this think. This is my diary, my place to be me (hence the former title). I guess what I'm saying is that I don't' think I ever want to be with him on a boyfriend/girlfriend husband/wife level. I don't think I could handle it...because of how emotionally fragile we both are. What I love so deeply about him is that I can be one hundred percent myself. I can let him hold me or even make me a little horny and it's ok. There is no one like that where I live and I feel so lost without it some moments it's unbearable. I guess that's why I'm thinking about "talking dirty" with Luke. He's the closest thing I've got to that kind of friend...anyway...I'm talking about Kyle right now. The point is that I'm alone and scared and the RSD and not having a job is just...god...impossible sometimes.....come to think of it...that's what makes the next guy feel even worse. The fact that (as far as I still know) he's single...

Paul has been my friend now for nearly five years. He started out by telling me he felt nothing towards me physically, but that went to hell one day in Maryland. I don't have the finger power right now to get into that story, especially since I want to talk about other things, but the point to that day is not that that was the first time we did anything physical, but that that was the incident that brought us closer together then any other incident. He is now admitting to the fact at he is at least sexually attracted to me but says he doesn't feel as emotionally close to me as I feel to him. I don't know he says that, but the way he looks at me sometimes I almost want to scream "I KNOW YOUR LYING! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF AND TO ME!!!" The sad part is: he's even asked me to have sex with him. The reason I didn't let him was because he wanted to do it with no strings attached, and I just couldn't. That didn't stop us, however, the last time we were together, from fooling around. The eyes he gave me that night are the eyes I keep remembering. The eyes that say "god your beautiful". He even asked if I had lingerie. Unfortunately I didn't. This may sound stupid, but the thing is I may not be able to be with him fully, but that doesn't mean that I don't love remembering those eyes. I don't have the self esteem not to love those eyes. They are what keep me believing that someone thinks I'm beautiful. God...I want to feel special again.

So I know you are on the edge of your seat wondering about Luke right? LOL...like anyone really cares about my love life...anyway Luke is a guy that has RSD just like me. The problem is that I am in Pennsylvania and he's guess where....California. We haven't talked about anything remotely sexual when it comes to the two of us, only talking about other relationships we've had. Plus, we barely know each other. Still, we find ourselves finishing each other sentences. The two of us hardly ever sleep due to our RSD and we relax each other. Just last night we talked for more then an hour and BOTH OF US ended up falling right to sleep. I know I am not in love with Luke yet, but the friendship is going so fast....I'm very scared of feeling this thing I can only call love with him. Yet at the same time, the fact that we talk nearly every night makes it somewhat easier.

I want to say love sux and call the whole thing off...but I can't. I keep remembering the good times I've had with these men. They are amazing people and I've had amazing times with them....I guess for now this is where the rant has to end.

I hope I have good news soon...