Well it finally happened. I thought about suicide...I mean really thought about it. I was counting some of my meds to see how soon I would have to order more and something in my head said "just do it. it's not worth it anymore." Sigh...I hate that I had the thought. I'm just glad that I still don't want to do it. I really really don't. I'm just really really depressed right now. I want to work so badly it hurts. Yea, I'm doing things to occupy my mind and yea, I'm sort of doing the kind of work that I want to do with the coalition, but it's not real work. I'm not doing it everyday, and someone isn't really counting on me to get done the things that need to be done.
One of the biggest things that keeps me from doing it is my parents. I know that they would litterally die of sadness. Not because I think I'm better then my other sisters, but because if any one of us did that they wouldn't be able to get out of the depression.
This sux. No one is going to belive me when I tell them I really don't want to do this. That I really want to live and thrive and be happy. Maybe I can see if they will belive me if they read this...
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