Ok so I know it's been like forever since I've written but I honestly didn't think I had anything to write about. Of course what could happen is exactly what happened in my shrink's office the other day. I went in thinking I had absolutely nothing to say, and ended up crying and talking to her about a whole bunch of things that I didn't even know were on my mind. I can't even remember what I talked about now!

I guess I should first say what happened to the whole J. and J. saga. Well first, I sort of figured out why the whole thing happened. But I didn't tell the female J. the reason for a long time because I thought it sounded like a dumb excuse. But then again, there is no excuse for what I did, there can only be reasons. The male J. told me that. How did he tell me that if we aren't talking? You wonder? Because we started talking again! Woot! I don't deserve his friendship, and after I tell you what the reason was you might really start to wonder about me, or not read my blog or...wait a minute. Didn't I set up this blog for me? So that I could write about my true feelings without having to explain them to the rest of the world? So why am I worrying about whether or not you (if there even is a "you" out there) will stop reading this? I know that ocassionally P. reads this, and P. is one of the few friends I almost believe I will hang out to forever, first because she is extremely forgiving, and secondly because all of my problems with friends that I can remember have been over two things: RSD, or guys. I don't know if P. will ever have half of the experiances I've had, or if she's going to have any of them! At 24, she's never touched, kissed, held hands with, or done anything with a guy. Not a thing! I used to think this was a bad thing and she should really experiance at least one or two of the things that feel good when it comes with being with a guy, but then I realized that with all the drama I've had dealing with relationships, why would I tell such a sweet, innocent girl to mess up her life like that? She's better off the way she is, increadibly smart (this girl is the ultimate sponge) and happy with just being friends with who ever she's friends with (although I don't know if she's even ever been friends with a guy!

Anyway back to the whole J. and J. drama. Wondering why the male J. even started talking to me again? That's exactly what I was wondering when he sent me a text message that said "We've got to talk." So I call him and he asks me the following: "Did you tell (the female) J. that if she didn't help you become friends with me again you would make her life a living hell?" I answered him in exactly what the truth was: "What am I stupid?!?" First, I am well aware that anything bad I say to the female J. is going to get back to the male J. Second, I am even more well aware of the fact that if I would have told her such a thing, not only would it have gone back to the male J., but he would have cut me a knew one again, and she would have done the same thing. Which is interesting. If I actually said that to her (which I didn't) why didn't she tell me where to put those words in the first place? I know she is perfectly capable of doing that, believe you me she yelled at me good enough the last time. What was shocking was the male J.'s reaction. He basically told me that he didn't know who to believe, because on the one hand he had the female J., who has no reason to lie to him, and on the other he had me, someone who had lied to him and would have done (nearly) anything to get back in his good graces. And I told him I understood that, that I really would do nearly anything to get back into his good graces, but the opprative word here is NEARLY. I'm not stupid. If I hurt my best friend by hurting one of his friends, I'm certainly not going to try to become his friend again by rehurting her. So after I got off the phone with him I called her and asked her where she though she heard that, and she told me it was from my mouth. I don't know maybe my RSDuh (forgetting due to RSD, I can't believe I never said that on here before! Or maybe I did, and this is another example of RSDuh) has been working over time or if I have serious amnesia or what, but I swear on whatever you want me to swear on (when the male J. asked me to swear on something I swore on a friend of mine, Jen's ((she's dead so you certainly can't come after her! So now you know when you will hear the real name of my friends: when their gone, so please tell me you are hoping with me that you will never hear the name of any one of my friends again!)) grave, that I didn't do it and I will do it again!) that I did not, will not, do not want to, will never want to, ever harm the female J. again! Hurting anyone (well, maybe my ex N.) just isn't worth it and in this case it definately isn't worth it! Ugh....

So yes, the male J. and I are talking again. I actually sent him a text message yesturday asking him if I could call him and he told me not that day cuz he was sick but to call him yesturday (Saturday) or today, but I'm going to be baking cookies and watching football with my family tomorrow so I might not get the chance to, what I might do is call the male J. first and depending on whether or not we have one of our super long talks again or not, I will call the female J. too. Because I haven't called her in a couple days and the last time I talked to her my chest had been hurting really bad and I just wanted to lay down and after that she was worried that it was my heart so I got to call her and tell her everything is alright, that it's just the RSD like I thought it was.

Oh, I don't know if I told you about that! My chest is killing me! It hurts everyday and has for a while now, which is why I'm not sure if I told you about it or not. My family and everyone else I told about it was worried that it might be my heart so I went to the doctor and she did an EKG and took some blood. The EKG was normal and we haven't heard about the blood yet but I'm sure that's normal too.

I guess I should tell you about everything else in my life (as if that's a lot) on this blog too. I might get in trouble for having a really long blog, but then again who would I get in trouble with?

Remember I told you I'm in the local peace group in my community? I told you the name of it but that has my city name in it so if you don't remember then phhhht (that's supposed to be the sound of a rasberry) to you! Anyway I have joined thier progressive newspaper and became a staff writter. I'm also helping with distribution, which is really in sad shape right now. I am writting three very short articles (150 words) about different pieces of news that have gone on in the last two months (hey, we don't have the money to be monthly, let alone daily people!). The two other articles I'm writing are harder to explain and I might not finish in this blog before I go to bed so you might have to just deal!

When this guy, M. asked if I wanted to join the paper, I told him I had this idea to write a piece, every other issue, about different organizations in our county. Aha but you don't know why I asked to do this. I have been searching for a way to put my non-profit organization, Fighting "4" Us, out in to the media, and when they asked me if I wanted to join this paper I thought "why not just take advantage of it? So the first organization I'm writing about will be Fighting "4" Us! sneaky aren't I? I know you might think that a progressive news paper in a mid-sized town doesn't do a lot of good, but 4,000 copies is 4,000 copies, and that's not something to shake a news paper at.

The other piece was M.'s idea. he wanted people in the group to write different pieces about different types of discrimination. I said I'd write about disabilities discrimination. I figured it would give me a chance to bitch out in the open, plus people would actually read about it. But then I realized just how much information can be put into 350 words. Not a whole lot! It's about three paragraphs! But I'm going to try to do it if it kills me!

There is more to talk about, but having RSD in your lungs means that attempting to stay out of bed, even if you aren't sleeping, isn't easy. So I'm going to say good bye for now, and hope that the male J. reads this sometime and realizes I am telling the truth about not threatening the female J. Anway, till next time...

Blessed be!