As you may or may not have noticed, I usually like to title my blogs. The reason some didn't get titles is simple: I forgot to put one in. But the last blog's title was left out on purpose. Since I had talked about so many things in the blog, I didn't know what title to give it. I was going to call this one "The subject I won't talk about and my review of House". But that's not going to work because I have a lot on my mind. So unfortunately this might not have a title and you just might have to actually read the blog to find out what it's about. Then again, maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

I'm not sure where to begin on this, so I'll simply go where my mind takes me. That's what I usually do anyway isn't it? And as I've said many times before, this is my blog, so why do I worry about what other people think of it?

Because I'm a worry wart. And because I care far too much what people think about everything I do. And because I barley have a self esteem at all. Maybe that's why I avoid talking about drugs in the first place. I don't like people yelling at me and telling me that medicinal marijuana may actually be a good thing, and that there are reasons why people do drugs. The fact is, I don't care. As you may have read about in this blog, I have dealt with far too many bad things that have to do with drugs and alcohol. Then again, I'm not sure you realize that what happened with my sister N. is not the first time it happened; but I may have told you in those blogs that this most recent episode is the third or forth time my family and I have gone through drama because my sister thinks that she's not an alcoholic and she doesn't have a drug problem. She says she realizes that now, and that she's not drinking, but frankly after so many lies I'm not sure if I believe her anymore.

Maybe that's what my mom means by "waiting for the other shoe to drop". The other reason for thinking that is the fact that right now there isn't any big problems going on in my family's life, and that's a very new thing for all of us. We are so used to someone being close to death, or in way too much pain, or yelling at us, or...well you get the picture. But we are so used to our lives being controlled by those factors that we don't know how to deal with times that are good. It causes our stomach's to tie in nots and our minds to do the proverbial "checking over our shoulders" every five minutes. I know that you are saying that I should just be happy about this and let it alone, that the more you wonder if something bad is going to happen the more likely it is that something bad is going to happen. I know that stuff. I say it to my mother all the time. But the fact is that our family truly does survive best in 911 mode. And yes, I know your wondering if this means my pain is gone, since I'm saying that everything is fine, and no, that's not it at all. Frankly my family considers my being in pain more like a constant. Actually, the weird part is that if I weren't in pain, we would REALLY be wondering what the hells going on. Like I said, we're just used to it.

Another thing that's on my mind is the show "House". I know I know, you're probably thinking that with everything going on in my life, why would I worry about a stupid TV show. But then again if you've ever watched the show you will know what I'm talking about. Everyone, including the show's producers who decide what to make the highlight of the story, thinks that the fact that Dr. House (that's the main character, obviously) is constantly figuring out medical mysteries, that he's a really mean guy, and that he may be going to jail for being a pain killer addict. But the truth is that's not what keeps many of us glued to the TV set. At least not those in the RSD community anyway. That was a hint as to why I watch it, but let me just tell you straight out: Dr. House suffers from chronic pain. Everyone thinks that the pain isn't there, that he's just addicted to pain killers from the first time he had pain problems that supposedly "went away", but trust me, those of us in the pain community know the difference between a user and someone who really is in pain, at least most of the time. I know what your thinking and yes, he's just acting, he's really not in pain, but the fact despite being an ass hole (on the show and in real life. I saw him interviewed on "In Side The Actors Studio) he's also a really good actor. And we in the pain community don't have to look in the eyes of EVERYONE we think has RSD. We know the symptoms well enough. As you may or may not have guessed, we think that the great Dr. House has RSD. Call us crazy (and there really is an "us" if you go into RSD chat rooms and email list serves and ask what they think of the show "House", the first thing many of them will talk about is the fact that while the word "RSD" has never been spoken on the show, House probably has the disease. How do we know? Well first, their is the fact that he's in constant agonizing pain, that none of the pain killers except for the extreme ones work on the pain, and that even when those pills DO work, he has to keep popping one every five minutes just to keep the pain from becoming too unbearable. Ok ok, that could all be signs of an addict. But then there is the clincher: the pain that House is experiencing was taken away when he was in a coma and given Ketamine. I don't know if I told you or not, but the reason I went five months without pain is because I went to Germany and was put in what's called a "K hole", which basically means giving someone enough Ketamine that they go into a coma. Obviously the coma was watched very closely, but that's not the point. The in the episode that shows coming out of the coma (actually he was having a coma dream, but let's not go into details, ok? In shows after that he was still better!) one of the doctors says to him "we gave you Ketamine" and when Dr. House says why the doctor says "some little hospital in Germany has been giving it to patients with chronic pain and they have been waking up pain free" (ok that wasn't her exact words, but she did talk about a hospital in Germany giving Ketamine to patients with pain)! I don't know about you, but when you are part of a group of only a handful of people that experienced something, and then that something gets mentioned on a major TV show, it kinda gives you the chills. Anyway, House's pain did come back, but remember so did mine. And not only that, House took his new pain free freedom to the extreme, and did things no 40 something year old man should do, like ride a skateboard for the first time and other things. So I guess you are wondering why I'm on this kick TODAY and not some other day if I watch the show so religiously. It's because on today's episode the doctors he works with decided they knew what's best for him and took away his Vicadin. First of all, when someone is chewing on major pain killers like their candy, and then someone takes them away, you go through withdrawal, and that ain't pretty. I went through Ketamine withdrawl after I came back from Germany (they couldn't keep me in the hospital giving me major doses of the stuff forever you know) and while that wasn't as extreme, I know what withdrawal feels like. It isn't fun. I didn't mention this before, but that is another reason why I don't like drugs. I have been prescribed many of them. And really it's not the taking them that' s the problem. It's that horrible feeling of not knowing where you are. I'm told that's what people who take drugs are looking for, that I have to take them in a "good" setting and "expect them to make me happy" before I will like the feeling. But if that's the truth then why do people take them in the first place, if they are already in a "good" setting? Anyway sorry, small tangent. Besides going through withdrawal, House's pain also obviously came back with avengance. And he did all of the classic things that those of us who have had horrible pain do. I don't want to go through the list, but trust me when I say that though of us with chronic pain all know what it looks like.

I know what you're thinking: if it's only us in the RSD world that think House has RSD, how do we know we're right? Well the fact is that you would probably consider those handful of people who know what RSD is and can recognize it as part of the RSD community, that you need an outside source to check to see if he has RSD...but the fact is that most "outside sources" don't believe RSD is real anyway. "Then how do you know it's real the unbelievers (we'll just call them that for now) are saying. Ugh. Don't get me started about the misconceptions the people who don't believe RSD is real have. One person actually told me that he read that RSD only spreads in something like 2% of the people who have it. Had I known what the exact number was, I would have laughed in his face. I knew it was higher then that, but I didn't know how much higher. The fact is (and this is backed by doctors who treat it...ugh but then the unbelievers call them "RSD doctors" and want yet ANOTHER outside source...but like I said, an outside source is an unbeliever anyway!) RSD spreads in 70% of cases.

You may be wondering if I'm just one of those people who believes in things that are unreal. Like aliens or whatever. But the fact is that the number of people who understand that RSD exists is growing. And I'm sorry, but I can't "make up" swollen fingers and hands and things like that. And I can't make "fake" color changes in my hands and feet look real. It's kinda like telling a jaundice (yea, I know, spelling again) person that they just took a highlighter and colored in their entire body. It just isn't true.

While as always I could say more, my hands are killing me (or is it "all in my head" that my body is swelling or is that a "power of the mind" trick...ugh...sorry but unbelievers really piss me off) and I should probably at least attempt to sleep. So maybe I will title this like I thought I would. I don't know, I guess I'll have to see what happens. Till next time....

Blessed be