Heal Thy Self

Remember a few weeks ago when I told you I thought I lost my best friend? Well celebrate with me, because I haven't! He still wants and is talking to me, and not only that but in the conversations we've had since the fight the only person to bring up the fight is me. And that feels really good. But here's the thing: just because he's friends with me again doesn't mean that he will tolerate me doing the same kind of thing. In fact, and he hasn't said this but I'm pretty sure it's true; frankly if I do something like this again to his friends, I'm sure our friendship will really be over. But am I planning on doing something like this again? AM I STUPID??? HELL NO I'M NOT PLANNING ON DOING ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN. The truth is I didn't plan on hurting female J. I simply wanted to do something for male J. since I think he does more for me....

Which is really the crux of the entire problem in our relationship and all of the relationships I have or have ever had: I put all of my friends on pedestals. At first it may sound like a good thing. But then you have to consider the fact that every time a friend does something nice for me the pedestal gets higher and higher. And if you are paying attention you will realize that that means male J.'s pedestal is so big I'm looking at his shoes rather then looking at him eye to eye like a friend should. I want to bring my friendships down to eye level....

But that raises another problem. I my friendships to come down to my level, but frankly I don't want anyone to be at my level. In my level people get made fun of and they hurt themselves with words and bad thoughts. And if I don't bring my friends down to my level then they are still on a pedestal...

Which makes it boils down to my problem of having a low self esteem. Damn it, why does everything come back down to that? Sigh...guess I really am going to have to fix myself...