You know I don't normally talk about what I talk about in therapy. Most of that is because I already told you all the things I've said in therapy before I told the therapist about it because I write in here usually right after or during what is happening. Part of that is because at every meeting I have had with this (now fairly) new therapist I've cried. I don't know if that's because she's really good, or if it's because I finally want to tell her everything. I had planned on doing this when I lived in my last apartment and had a therapist for quite awhile. It was one of my new years resolutions to tell her everything so that I could get more out of the experience. But then I moved back here and had to find a whole new therapist and new therapists are kinda like new friends: you just don't tell them your life story the first time you meet them. Yes, you do tell your therapist your life story much earlier then you do your friends (usually anyway), but you do need to take sometime to feel each other out. You need to get to know your therapist, I especially always want to check and see if there's anything that surprises me. Or, like what happened with one of my therapists, they might say something like "well if I was your mom I wouldn't want you dating someone that old". I'm sorry but YOUR NOT MY MOM. In my opinion when it comes to relationships and talking about them with your therapist you should try to figure out if the relationships you are in are healthy or not. She could have said something like "well I'm not sure if this much age difference is what qualifies as a healthy relationship" but event that's stretching it. Age has nothing to do with a healthy relationship. I dated someone one year older, and he verbally abused me. I dated someone sixteen and a half years older then me, and he adored me.

Anyway that's the subject we went over today: healthy relationships. And the biggest relationship we talked about was Joe and the fight I had and whether or not that's a sign that it isn't a healthy relationship and that maybe I shouldn't be his friend anymore. But that's not really what she was saying. She told me that if when you talk to him there's a nagging voice in your head telling you something's wrong, you should listen to it. And the fact is that when I talk to Joe, there is a nagging voice. Actually when I talk to a lot of my friends, there is a nagging voice, and this is why:

I put my friends on a pedestal. The more they do for me, the higher their pedestal becomes, and the lower mine becomes. And frankly if I do something for them, my pedestal doesn't go up nearly as high as my friend's pedestal does when she does something good for me, if at all. The point is that I don't just look up to my friends: I worship them. And that isn't a healthy relationship. And yes, I did had to get that pointed out to me by my shrink. So shoot me. There are many things that many people learn from their shrinks that they should have known in the first place. Like those people who believe that a boy friend who abuses will change. It's just not true. And I just thought of something: when I went out with N., I didn't try to change his abusive behavior, because really I didn't see his abusive behavior. He hid the fact that he was feeding my idea that my friends are on pedestals so well, that on the surface no one would be able to see what he was doing, especially me at the time! Here's how he did it: N. basically told me that he's this supreme being (I know, I know, I was stupid to believe him on that factor and I never should have. Trust me when I say I've been over that in my head a thousand times) and that while I'm a supreme being also, he is more supreme then I am. Him and D. both did it. D. says he made the whole thing up and just gave the story to N., but I think the truth is the that it's the other way around. N. actually believes he's evolved now (and no, I don't believe that)!

He's the other relationship we talked about. I talked about how I can't get it out of my mind. My shrink (J.....oh damn that's another J....here we go again!) that the reason I keep thinking about N. is because it reminds me of something I'm going through, and that something is probably J. I tried to say that J. and my relationship is not as bad as N.'s and I was, but, as she pointed out, saying something like "it's not that bad" means there probably is something bad about it. And there is, like I said: I put J. on a pedestal. Anyway when it comes to N. I just want to get the thought of him out of my mind. And she really didn't give me anyways of doing that besides talking to J. (I'll tell you about that in a minute) but the fact is that I have thought about N. almost every day since I broke up with him. But what J. (the shrink) said is that the relationship with N. taught me how to look for the bad signs. It also taught me that in relationships I need to step back and listen to that nagging voice. As I told her, that's frankly the way that I was finally able to break up with N. It goes like this: N. and I had gotten caught doing more then fooling around (but not having intercourse, and no, I'm not going to get into it!) and I was supposed to go to AZ to visit my Uncle the following week. So my parents said (since frankly I felt really bad about doing it) that as punishment I would not see N. until after I came back from my Uncle's house. I agreed (though looking back on it I didn't have any choice) and when to my Uncle's place having not talked to N. since that day. Well it was during that trip that I was able to step back and listen to that nagging voice. Because I didn't have N. around to turn off that voice with kisses and such, I was able to think about what our relationship really was like. And it was with that that I was able to break up with him. And you know what? I remember being almost happy after I did it. Every other relationship I have was sad for days or weeks because I broke up with the person. Like my first boy friend (who I consider my first love) C. When I broke up with him I cried for three days straight! And frankly it was because C. was a mommas boy and "never had the time" (i put the "" around it because I think that's a load of crap) I was able to take the time to listen to the nagging voice again!

Now I know what I have to do: I have to tell J. (my best friend, not my shrink) what I have learned. I have to tell him that in order for our friendship to get better I have to stop putting him on a pedestal. I will tell him that obviously it's not his fault that I did that, but that if he notices me doing it, to try to help me stop it. He's always been good at making me listen to the good voices in my head, and he'll probably be able to the same thing with this. And it is with that statement that I do not have any nagging voices. And J. (the shrink...hey maybe I'll call her J.T.S! J. The Shrink! LOL) says that that's a sign of a good relationship

Sigh...well I was going to tell you about a promise I made to my new friend T. today. I told him that all day today I would try to write down a list of things to do. If I don't like it I won't have to do it again, but he says just doing that will bolster my self esteem. So I'll start it just a little:
1. I can type really fast. 2. I can walk. 3. I can read fairly well. 4. I can write.

I forgot to tell you it's my birthday! LOL oh well. Wish me happy birthday! But I really must get to bed. I am very tired and despite taking oxycodone I am still hurting pretty good (What does that statement mean anyway? There is no such thing as hurting good! Stop rambling Andrea!).

So it is with a smile and a hope for better friendships that I say good bye, wishing you blessed be all day long.