The Story Of N.

I've put the Dixie Chicks "Taking The Long Way" in my computer. I keep listening to their song "Not Ready To Make Nice", which is the song they wrote after people banned them, wrote death threats, and basically made their life a living hell just because they told the truth about George Bush. The first time I heard it, I knew that it had something to do with my life. But I figured since I'm an activist, and have been told many times I'm going to hell, that that was the reason I feel so connected to the song. But as I play the song over and over, I really listen to the words:

"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could"

and the chorus is:

"I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell
and I don't have time to go round and round and round

still mad as hell can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should"

I know, you aren't getting the connection, and even as I tell you the words that meant the most to me, you still won't get it. I avoided talking about this topic in here because frankly even after all this time I can't handle thinking about it without getting at least a little upset. Now, if you've heard the song, you might know the line that I am talking about, but if you don't, I'll put it here:

"they say, time heals everything, but I'm still waiting..."

I put the song on again so that the memory doesn't leave. Not that it ever will. Somehow this song has a way of drawing out many of the parts that I wish I could forget. Sigh...I guess I should just talk about it...so here goes.

This is the story of N. Not my sister, but my ex. I may have mentioned him a few times here and there, but I haven't really talked about the whole story. That's partially because my mind has blocked out many parts of the relationship. The biggest reason is because I try to forget it as much as possible.

I started dating N. in January of 2001. I had just broken up with C., someone I believe to be my first love, because I felt something with him I didn't feel till J. Somehow I couldn't get over him. It was my senior year of high school, and I sat with a table of guys that all, on one level or another, thought I was hot. N. was obviously one of these people. Still, I couldn't get C. out of my mind. So when N. called me up one night and we started talking and I could hear the nervousness in his voice, I just went for it. We started going out that night.

At first things were actually really good. I guess they usually are in these types of relationships. Then there is the turning point. But I will get to that. For now, the good parts. That point in my life was one of the worst for my RSD. Because of this, everyday, the period before lunch, I slept in the nurses office. I know what your thinking "wow, lucky..." but I wasn't. I was in so much pain and so tired that the daily period with the nurse was only a small reprieve from the pain. N. would "pick me up" from the nurses office everyday, and then he would walk me to lunch where we would part again. N. also was the person who pushed my wheel chair when my school's music department went to Chicago for a competition. Like I said, it started out nice at least.

At some point during that end of the school year I met D. D. and I were best friends for a few years, even after I broke up with N. I didn't realize what an ass he was even with everything that was happening. I honestly thought N. was the one who was holding the reigns. The truth was they both seemed to just like me see me squirm. But I'm getting to that.

One day N. And D. came over to my house. They told me they had to talk (now this is the part where my heart catches in my chest and I'm having a hard time typing. I may even have to stop and wait till another day. No, I must get this out...). They then told me that they had figured out, basically that N. was the son of the devil and that D. was the manifestation of love. I don't remember my exact role, all I know is that I was below both of them. As stupid as it sounds, I believed them.

From their, things got even weirder. At one point when I was at a carnival in my city, I felt, and this happened to me many times after, that I just didn't want to be there. Not in the "I don't like this carnival" sort of way, but in the "I don't want to be on this earth" sort of way. I actually tried to kill myself with my favorite necklace. I since tried to kill myself with many things, including a spoon. Please don't ask me to explain what was going on in my head back then. Many people have accused me of making up the feeling for attention. But as I write this I realize that I wish that were the truth. For some reason I wanted to die, in anyway possible. I want to blame N. for these actions, but it happen long after I broke up with him. Though N. did tell me I was beneath him, he always stopped me from doing what I planned.

You may be thinking "so what was so bad?". That's because I haven't told you about N. and D.'s part in it. You see, along with their story, N. and D. claimed they had all kinds of powers. I don't know how, but somehow N. managed to lord those so called powers over me. On one occasion I even believed the devil had possessed D. I can't explain to you what happened, all I remember is one minute we were happily playing and then the next minute D. got really scary. He literally growled at me! Now J. has growled at me, but he has apologized for it, and is trying to get help. He has multiple personalities, I know that. I don't know what was going on with D. that day. D. tried to tell me that this was a "test" for N. (or was it the other way around? I don't even remember). Somehow we ended up in my parents front lawn, N. had a pair of scissors to his throat. Some days I fantasize that I tell him to go do it. Other times I fantasize I was the hero in this horrible story. But I have to tell the truth. I went to go after N., and all of a sudden he put his hand out and I fell on my butt. I swear to you on all things holy that his hands did not touch my body. How he did it I don't know, but somehow he forced me to the ground.

These antics did not stop when I broke up with N., indeed it only got worse. You see when I was still dating N. I convinced D., who is gay and at that time had dropped out of school, to finish his schooling at my high school, which was somewhat more liberal then the school he had gone to. After I had broken up with N., D. remained my friend, at least, that's what I thought he was. Well one day D. and N. decided to pretend that N. was hurting D. I mean really hurting him beating him up and everything. I begged D. to come over to my place that night, but he said he would be ok. He came over the next day and continued with his story. That was until I came back from somewhere (I don't remember where) and I found him on the floor crying. He said that he was a horrible, that he and N. had made the whole thing up for a laugh. D. then proceeded to run all the way home. At first I tried to stop him telling him that it was ok (I know I know, don't start).

At some point I got the chance to tell N. why I broke up with him. I honestly don't remember the reason I told him. All I know is that I didn't tell him the truth. At least not the whole truth. I want to tell him now that I broke up with him because he made me feel inches tall. I want to tell him now that he haunts me in my dreams. I don't know if you read it in a past blog but when I used to try to go into the pagan store in Frederick MD I saw his face. This is because he claimed the sorted story he told me was how druids believe. As if one day Druids would find him as their leader, I mean that must be it since he claimed to be the son of the devil and rule over everyone.

Today N. works at the grocery store that my dad likes to go to. One day I went to the store with my dad and he went into N.'s line. Like a coward, I had to take my dad's keys and walk around another island and get in the car. I know N. was laughing at me.

From what D. told me some time later, N. now believes he has evolved. I'm sure he believes he was wrong that I am above all people but below him. I'm sure he now believes I'm the lowest person on earth.

And what happened to D.? Well one day D. had his boyfriend and I for a sleepover. But instead of being a good host and catering to both of us, D. had me sleep in an entirely different room then him and his boyfriend. As he put it, his top three things in life are "the three G's: God Guys and Games". When I first met him he said that his girls were very important to him. I guess that changed. The day I went home I went home dirty, and having to go to the bathroom, since somehow I didn't go for like half a day. I haven't seen D. since.

So that's the story of N. Everyone who reads this, including my friends, must now think I'm a moron for actually believing what N. told me. They must think I'm even more a moron for still being afraid of N. But the truth is I really am. The only way I would ever face him is if J. was with me, and N. and J. could stare at each other and I know J. would win. He might not even need to say anything. Still, I have often fantasized about what J. could do to N. I've seen J.'s worst personality, who J. calls the Abise, coming out and really hurting N. The only thing that stops me is that I think J. might go to jail if he did what I (and really J. too, since J. hates what N. has done to me) want him to.

I hope the people out their in blog world will forgive me for following N. I hope someday I can forgive myself. But as the Dixie Chicks put it:

"forgive, sounds good
forget...I'm not sure I could"

amen sister. And blessed be.