STUPID! That's what my head is. Stupid, stupid, stupid. The greatest friendship in the world and I question it. Why does my brain do this to me? I don't question most of my other friendships, but it seems the more a person knows me, the less I believe I deserve to know them. The more that my mind says to run, run away fast, and don't stop till you can't feel the love anymore. Except that isn't possible. It is impossible to forget that you love someone, unless you really do fall out of love. But I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about running away from someone I love because the depth of our love feels too deep. I'm never going to get married, because I always say that to the people I am with, and they always leave. J. says he'll never leave, and the proof that I love him is because even at our worst times, when I have told him I wanted to die or when he turned into his alternate being, W., I stayed with him. I told him that's what friends are for, and he says exactly, and he won't leave because of the same reason.

We have a very physical relationship but he claims that even if he could never touch me again he would still be with me. The problem is, a lot of people have done that. A lot of people have stayed around the first one or two or three times when I pulled this crap, but after a while, they all leave. I don't know how to convince him of that. LOL, I guess he won't believe it until he leaves, which he claims he's never going to, so he'll never believe it. I wonder if the other people who told me they'd never leave, that told me they were different then everyone else who ever told me that and they would stay for ever and ever. I wish I could ask them that. I wish I could say "you know, you promised you'd never leave me. You said you were the one guy in the world who wouldn't, and yet you did, so do you believe that everyone eventually leaves now?". Sigh...but you know what, J. has lived it (that's J.'s saying for he's walked the talk, he tells people that they shouldn't sing their promises, they should live it). He has friends who have dumped him, stepped on his heart and left it for the wolves. And did he leave? Nope, because he lives it.

Sigh...he makes me feel so good too. We made out in a janitor's closet at Hood, one that could latch on the inside, and lets just say we hit second base and nearly kept on running. He says he hasn't gone their with many girls. I have a hard time believing that too. J. is a very sexual person just like I am, could he really be with someone and not do anymore or see anymore then some boob grabs? Still, like he says, he's never given me a reason not to believe him, and that's really how I test things.

Stupid brain won't shut up, and I need it to. J. says the only reason I can't get it to shut up is because I believe that I can't....sigh....that's because I really believe that most, if not all, of the problems I have can not be fixed. They may get a little better, the pain of RSD or the pain of thinking I'm no good may subside, but I don't believe they will ever go away for good. There, I said it, so people should stop asking me if I "still" have RSD, or why I hurt, it's because IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY! I've gotten it through my head, now get it through yours. Till next time, me and mys stupid brain are going to go. Hope someone reads this and understands. I know that some people will read it and tell me it's not true, but I've heard that all before, I don't want to hear it again. No more pie crust promises (Don't tell me you don't know where that's from. HELLO! MARY POPPINS! little boy who I can't remember his name: "Mary Poppins, will you promise to stay with us forever" Poppins: That's a pie crust promise, easily made easily broken. I'll stay until the wind changes). So till next time dear blog, have a good night, and blessed be.