I have so much to talk about I don't even know if I'm going to finish it all tonight. You thought my blogs were long before? Ha! Just you wait. I don't write long blogs on purpose, but a lot has happened in the past two days. That's what I get for not writing in my blog yesterday or the day before, though Wednesday's blog would have been really long anyway, which attests to how long this blog will be today...
You might remember that I was going to see J. again on Wednesday. I also saw my friend P. She picked me up from hood and the three of us went to Denny's for P.'s "pre-birthday brunch". I knew it was going to be weird putting P. and J (ha! I just need a B. and it would be P. B. and J! LOL), but I didn't know how funny they would be together. I honestly thought (and P., don't hate me for thinking this, but since you know the whole story with J., I wasn't sure how you were going to react) P. wasn't going to talk to him at all. That, or she would be completely uncomfortable by the whole situation and keep looking from J. to me, wondering what kind of sick people would do what we do. But she seemed to genuinely have a good time! Half way through brunch I finally relaxed, and let the three of us be our usual cooky selves. Trust me when I say that hanging out with the three of them was truly an adventure, from getting lost on the way to pick J. up to talking religion to...oh I can't even remember what we talked about but trust me, a good time was had by all.
Speaking of a good time being had by all, after brunch P. took us to J.'s friend J.'s house. Now this is going to be confusing....well, you know who's who by what happened. Talk about being nervous. J. had told me that since J. has Cerebral Palsy, she hates talking about pain and illness of any kind, so not to bring up RSD at all. Well things couldn't be further from the truth. J. is a very sweet girl, who wants nothing more then to be loved and have people understand her. Actually, she sounds a lot like me. Still, going there I was really nervous. I was even more nervous when I saw how dirty her house is. I knew that the dirt had to be caused by the fact that J. can do nothing to help it, and her husband works long hours half the day and sleeps the other half. It can not be easy to be her.
So when things actually started to relax, I couldn't help but be surprised. I hope that didn't register on my face, because I was trying to ignore my feelings as much as possible. Well that really didn't happen at all and instead of trying to ignore the obvious sexual tension in the room, we simply went for it, the three of us kissing, licking, and generally feeling various areas of the human body. J. (girl J.) and I didn't do anything bellow the belt, but J. and I, knowing each other much more then I knew J. (J. and J. know each other then I know either of them), asked J. (wow, this is confusing!) if we could use her shower. J., feeling much more relaxed then when I came in, allowed us the pleasure. And boy, it was a pleasure. For the first time in my life, I was actually able to get J. off; something I have been trying to do for a long time. I must say that it used to be that I thought the site of a man getting off was a very ugly thing. This is even after I had sex for the first time. But getting J. off was completely different. He looked beautiful, like there was nothing in the world that could touch him. We both got wet, wanting to know if it was true what they say, that everyone looks better wet. Trust me when I say it's completely true. Still, all good things must come to an end, and I must confess that my stupid brain showed up at the most inopportune time.
I don't know if I will ever believe I deserve to be loved. I allow my parents to love me because they are my parents, they are supposed to do that and their love is something I don't' have to earn. Everyone keeps telling me that I don't have to earn anyone else's love either, but that doesn't stop my brain from thinking it. The other thing that my brain likes to think is that if a friend has another friend I am automatically somehow lower then the friend. This doesn't mean that I don't want my friends to have friends. Far from it. I want my friends to be as happy as they can be, and find it in whoever or whatever they want. I just have a hard time believing that anyone would want to hang out with me, or make concrete plans with me, which would mean that if another friend would want to hang out with them they would have to say another time. I will never cut into time a friend of mine is having with another friend, but because I believe I don't deserve friends, it seems logical that any friend of my friend could cut into our time at any well...time (talk about confusing!). My stupid mind also thinks that if a friend does some of the exact same thing with me as with another friend, that somehow the time they are doing that thing with me is somehow less enjoyable then it was with their friend.
Take anything sexual for instance. If I am sexual with a friend and they are also sexual with another friend, be it their wife or any other purpose, somehow it seems that having any kind of sex with me isn't enjoyable. In my heart of hearts I know this isn't true, I mean look at how J. reacted to my getting him off! Still, my stupid mind rages on...
Which is why I kept asking J. "do you do this with other friends"? Later he asked if that was because maybe if he didn't do that with me, I would leave. HA! Not even close. If we didn't do that together, if we never touched each other again, I would still love him just as much as I do now. The shere fact that HE wouldn't leave if we never touched each other again makes it an even more wonderful feeling. The fact that he simply enjoys my company and could just talk my ear off makes me experience such a wonderful feeling that sometimes it feels better then sex. HE LIKES ME FOR ME! YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEY! I hope some day he reads this, and gets some comfort from it. He can even print it out and hang it in his room (wait a minute, scratch that, I wouldn't want his wife to read it. Maybe if he kept it in his wallet?) as an affirmation that it's true, so that he'll know I'll be their for ever and ever!
Which is his fear. He believes that if I find another person who I have sex with and love as deeply as I do him, I will forget all about it. I explained it to him like this: Sometimes when I get a boy friend or girl friend (well, that hasn't happened yet, but maybe!) I get so excited at the idea of having someone that is only mine, I forget everything else in life. When I was in school I couldn't pay attention and my grades would go down, and at home I would find myself tripping over things on the floor. Does this mean that the school wasn't something I dearly needed and loved or that I would never pay attention to where I step again? NO! I told him that if this ever happened, all he would have to do is pick up the phone and say"hey? remember me? I'm your best friend? you haven't been calling me and it's scaring me" and I would begin to remember that there are other things that are just as important as that new love. J. would actually, in addition to hearing the sound of my voice again, be improving my life! My grades would go back up, and I would kick the stuffed animal I kept falling over out of the way!
My point is this: I will never, ever stop loving J. or anyone of my other friends. Sometimes the style of the relationship will change. The fact that J. is now living in California means it has to change, means that we must keep in contact by the phone or email or we will loose each other. Now there's a scary thought.
I think I will end their and talk about my job after the second day! YEY! I HAVE A JOB! I want to write about the first day of training at my 43things site!
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