I have to be strong...

J. told me that "our song" should be "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John. And he's got a point. After ten years of dealing with RSD bullshit, I should be standing on the roof tops telling people that I am better then they are because I dealt with it head first and came out with a college education and friends and I'm actually not in a wheel chair. All of that is pretty damn good.

But then there's the bad side. There's the fact that I'm still living with my parents. And I'm still taking a hundred (almost literally) medications a day. And I'm still sick. But mostly, I'm still swollen.

Today I woke up and both my hands were this huge size that I've never seen them get before. I mean, I'm used to my feet doing that but not my hands, not the two things I count on most to get me through the day in typing and writing and all of the things I need to do to be me. I know that when a runner is put in a wheel chair they join the Special Olympics or something like that but what happens when someone who loves to use their hands to make things that are beautiful and write stories and create non-profit organizations, what happens to them?

Maybe I'm over reacting. I mean that was only the first time that my hands swollen and the RSD has been in my full body what, five years (ugh, that seems like a long time for y our entire body to be sick) and I haven't seen them swell like this ever? And my feet swell on an hourly bases and I'm still using them, and at least one of them has been ill twice the time my hand has...

The point is I need to take the fact that my hands are swelling the same way I took the fact that I was on crutches for six weeks: not lying down. I fought long hard hours at band camp to keep a normal life and I have to keep doing that now. At least now I don't have to deal with an entire section of a huge band telling me I'm a quitter. At least this time I have people that are starting to be my friend.

Sigh...I hope I can do this. I hope that I don't break down in front of any or all of my new found friends. But doesn't breaking down show you who your true friends are? Yes, but it also takes away your acquaintances, and I can't live with this right now. I have to be strong.