The Philosophy of a Life Time

At five thirty this morning I woke up in my bed and haven't slept since. As I sometimes do when this happens, I reached for a book. For a while now I have been reading Tori Amos' "Piece by Piece". I think Tori is a fascinating woman. I believed that before I read her book, but now as I am nearly finished I know that to be fact. The chapter I am reading is called "The Lioness: Surviving the Music Business". In it she describes what was musically the hardest time in her life. She has had other hard times, but when it comes to her music, this was the hardest. When she felt like she was being slowly killed off by the music industry, she went to war. She vowed that she would give up as few as what she calls her "song babies" as possible. You see to her each song that she writes is in itself a woman. She protects them yet at the same time allows them to run free, especially when she is on tour, allowing her song babies to come out and show their might. And so, when it came to write her final record with her then recording label, Atlantic records, her mom had a dream. In it she believes that the ancestors gave her the answer Tori was waiting for: they reminded her that Tori's contract did not specify what the music had to be. And when Tori went to her Lawyers with this question, they found that the song pieces did not have to be original, they simply had to be of the same quality that defined her as Tori Amos. So she came up with the idea for the album Strange Little Girls, which has none of her original songs on it, but instead is a compilation of Tori singing songs written by men. And when the song hit the top ten lists, Tori knew she had won. Then Tori wrote what I believe is the greatest philosophy of all time:

"And I looked out from England across the Atlantic Ocean to the white-collared dragons of the music industry and whispered: 'Checkmate, Motherfuckers'"

For those of you who don't see the philosophy in this, let me explain. Life is a game. it is one that you can choose to play with the help of other people, but it is ultimately one that you have to win on your own. And I am of the opinion that everyone will go through the fight of their life. They may even go through what feels like two fights, and not necessarily at separate times. For example when Tori was fighting the record company, she was also going through her three miscarriages before she finally had her baby girl. Everybody experiences the fight of their life at one point or another. For my sister it is dealing with the harsh realities of Manic Depression. For my mom, it is dealing with a family that on both ends rely on her sometimes far too heavily. And for me it is dealing with the harsh realities of having a chronic pain disorder, and dealing with everything that comes with it.

I believe that everyone has the power inside them to take on the fight of their life. Some people choose to try to say they can't, and turn to drugs, abusive boy friends, and maybe even suicide (ok ok so that's N. but it's a good example isn't it?). And if they get through all of that, I believe they need to wake up and begin to fight, just as we all have to.

I have often turned to other things to try to get away from the RSD. I have tried men, I have tried coning people into being my friend. But in the end, none of it works, as it never does. I believe I have begun to wake up and fight. I believe I have been fighting for a long time, and there have even been times when I have gone with full guns blazing. But far too often I give up that fight, and have to climb out of the excuses again. I want to say that I will never give up again. I want to say that I will win this war, and even give myself an outline of exactly how to do that. But I can't. No one has that outline. They have to learn to listen to the world around them and take lessons from those who know best, both in this world and the far beyond. I am not saying I won't quit again, but at least now I feel I am more aware of the world around me. I am bringing out both guns again, and hanging on to those lessons I have learned for dear life. I will attempt to listen to the lessons given to me as I go on, and perhaps with those lessons I will be able to dig my heels in a little more.

It's time to take on the fight of my life, and fight the RSD and everything that goes with it, including the pain of living alone with everything that I have. I don't know if I'll ever be rid of the physical pain of RSD, and I don't even know if I'll give up again. But I sure as hell would like to try. And maybe someday, somewhere I can finally say the one thing I have been dreaming about saying since the RSD took a hold of me:

You no longer have a hold of me, I have one this horrible game. You may go now, for it's checkmate motherfucker.