Yet Another Late Night Rant

I've come to notice that all my big rants, especially my rants about my parents, are written deep into the night, when no one else is watching. This may be for the exact reason that no one else is watching. I don't want my parents to know that I am talking and bitching and just plain complaining about them. Then I will have to go through the big talk about why I feel that way and how my problems with my father are supposed to be just between me and him and how my mom "always" has to get in the way and how we are "such a wonderful piece of work". Italics put up for sarcasm.

So that's the topic for today, my relationship with my father. One of the things I didn't mention when I wrote the rant months back about my parents leaving for three weeks was the fact that my dad and I kept fighting. Not that this is a surprise. My dad and I always fight. What was the topic this time? Well remember I said that I was trying to find a way to get a job? And remember that I applied to OVR and all that? Well at the time it was just an idea, something I wanted to do myself. I mention this to my dad and what does he do? Observe the following conversation between him and my mom just after I told him I wanted to do it myself:

Dad: "Leslie, are you on the computer?"
Mom: "Yes, why?"
Dad: "I want to use it when you are done"
Mom: (the understanding was starting to come into her head, as mine) "ummm why?"
Dad: "Because I want to look up OVR on the internet"

AHHHHH!!!!! Does anyone get what was going on here? Once again my dad was attempting to over step boundaries of things I want and should be able to do for myself. Thank god my mom got in the middle before I blew up saying:

"You don't get it do you? That's exactly what Andrea wants to do for her self"

Dad replied with what is a usual statement for him "yea, well, I just wanted to..." and my mom said "let her do it herself!"

Mom doesn't always help in these situations. In fact my mom is so sick of hearing are arguments that she is the one who called us "a piece of work". Consider what happened when I woke up this morning after my dad had moved the computer table into what will be the office so I can hit OVR standards. Keep in mind that as a designer with the potential to design a perfectly empty room that my mom wanted to make into her "Disney room", and that I had ALREADY PUT DOWN ON PAPER SOME OF THE THINGS I WANTED, INCLUDING WHERE I WOULD PUT THE COMPUTER TABLE. I walked in the room to check out where the computer table was and my dad said.

"Now, I need you to decide where you want to put the computer table. You could put it here, but that would over ride the windows (I didn't want it there in the first place). The best place to put it would be on the wall that joins with the windows (I could already feel it coming). I felt a quiver in my stomach when he finally said "But (the knot in my stomach began to grow) since I already told you where I think you should put it you will probably want to put it here (exactly where I wanted it, which was the wall that conjoined with the wall that conjoined with the windows, it has the door on one side of it. My heart was slowly dropping) just to spite me (gulp....my heart hit my ankle. I didn't know what to say. For a second, I froze, not knowing what to do. I don't like hurting my father. I don't' like when he does this and I have to "prove him right" so to speak even though it's completely not true. I didn't try to think "now where would be the best place I could put the computer table that would piss off dad the most" Why would I do that? What pleasure would I get out of that? Since I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes it is obviously there is none...but anyway, back to the story. I had to say something).

Me: "Well Dad I actually wanted it on this corner (I braced myself for the response, but I didn't brace enough)"
Dad: "That's what I thought. Whatever, have it your way. I knew you would do that to me."

I ran down stairs. I didn't know what to do. My mom was standing up at the loft looking down at the family room when I came in. I explained to her what happened and she said. "I'm so tired of you and your dad fighting. The cord is not long enough to put it there, but that's where you want it". That's when my heart fell through the floor boards and into the basement. I had no idea the cords were not long enough. So I did what I thought would make it better. I went upstairs and told my dad that I didn't know the cord wasn't long enough that we could put it where it was. But by that time it was too late. He gave me the "whatever" and told me we could put it where I wanted it with longer cord. My heart landed on the flattening machine. I went downstairs and apparently my mom, who's hearing sux, had apparently heard the whole thing. She told me I shouldn't have gone back upstairs, that my dad already had it in his head I would choose the wrong place, and the best way I could have handled it was to shut my mouth. Now my heart was completely flattened. My mom was going on, telling me she was tired of us fighting and her not saying what she wants (which to me is a total lie, because she always says what she wants). I tried to tell her that I don't mean to get in these types of situations, but her said "I know" didn't help things.

The rest of the day sort of went the same. When I told my mom I was a little bit scared of the GRE, she told me that she didn't want to hear it, and I shouldn't be doing it if it was scaring me. But wouldn't anyone be scared of the GRE's? When I tried to explain to her about all the things I'm trying to do right now (work on paganism, try to take my GRE, work with the LCPJ on getting their 501c3, work on art, and work on fighting 4 us" and that all of those things would frustrate me at any give moment, she sort of seemed to agree but still wouldn't give me any sort of support when it comes to the GRE's.

And finally, when I asked my dad to scope me some ice cream and what I thought was ten minutes later went by and he still hadn't gotten it, I assumed he forgot it and he yelled that I had only asked a minute ago, that's when my mom said that we are such a wonderful piece of work, I felt I didn't have a heart anymore. Or a family who understands me.

I don't know what's going to happen in the next couple days, weeks and months. I will try not to fight with dad so much as my new years resolutions say, but sometimes it seems like no matter what I do, we fight, so I don't know. I just hope my heart can heal. But somehow after all these times of my heart being bashed and broken by so many things, I don't know if that's possible. Let's just hope I can thrive eventually, or at least live, or I'm not going to be able to make it. God this sux. Till next time.