This Shit Has Got To Stop

Today is a Paganism heavy day (if you don't know what that means, then you weren't paying attention. Frankly, I'm not in the mood to go over it again so you'll have to go back a few blogs and read up on it.) and boy do I need it. Yes, I'm a Pagan every day but I needed to schedule some times when I was really going to study heavy and personal (like I said, if you don't understand what that means, go back a few blogs). And like I said, I really need it.

I don't think I talked about my sisters a lot in here for a few reasons1) They aren't in my life most of the time and 2) Because of this, I consider the crap I'm going through more important and 3) I might not feel this way if they actually called me and talked to me about their problems instead of each other, and frankly they could use doing that because they piss each other off often.

I have two sisters, N. and S. Most of the time, I get along with N. better then S. But every now and then, N. does something that I consider to either be really stupid or something I just don't know why she did (are those two one in the same? Hmmmm...), and S. is a much better person to talk to at those times.

It seems like my family is always going through some kind of shit, and a lot of the times, N. is causing the problem. She's the one who has the drug addiction (as much as she likes to deny that fact, and thinks she can just turn it off and on whenever she wants, I think that's bull shit, but anyway) and she's the one who is constantly dating someone who doesn't deserve to be anywhere near someone as beautiful and cool as my sister. Yes, I did that, but I did it once, and I never went back to him again. Plus, only one time did my parents catch me doing something horrible with him, and actually it was quickly after that that we broke up.

Anyway, now is one of those times when she is dating someone who is worthless. Not only does he run out the door every time my sister becomes any where near remotely depressed (N. has bi polar disorder) but he's also HIT HER (but according to her, this is OK because SHE HIT HIM TOO. Yea, that makes it all better...). So yesterday N. lost her job. We found out (or at least I did, frankly part of me is naive about the situation, and part of me doesn't pay attention because frankly, if I paid attention to it all the time, I would go crazy, just like what's happening to my mom) that this was because she pulls this stunt often. Well apparently my mom was going to take my sister to work or something of that nature (like I said, I don't pay attention) and of course they had a fight. N. called my mom later and apologized. They talked it out, and my mom was actually going to go to be able to sleep (thanks to my RSD, S.'s occasional problems, and N.'s what seems like constant problems, my mom doesn't sleep well all that often...kinda runs in the family) when S. called told her that B. was over there. Well my mom was pissed. She talked to my sister more, with no results, and I guess my mom didn't sleep that night after all. Finally, this morning, we found out that B. SLEPT OVER AT HER APARTMENT (we found this out because S. went over to her apartment to yell at her). Well for my mom, that was the final straw, and my mom decided to turn N.'s phone off. She hasn't done it yet, but I know she will. Well S. went over to N.'s apartment and started yelling at N. again, and apparently that fact slip ed out. So, driving to a poetry reading last night (I was so excited, because as you may or may not remember, I love poetry readings, after doing them every Friday for four years in Frederick) and my parents were going to a party when N. called my mom on the phone. That's when I found out about B. sleeping over and stuff, because I asked why my mom wasn't answering the phone. My mom was trying to go to the party and have a good time, and not listen to N.'s crap. My mom held strong for a while, but N. kept calling, and calling. Finally my mom picked up the phone. Me, being the naive and constantly hopeful one, was hoping she had called to apologize, and knowing that my mom wouldn't pick up the phone, kept calling to tell her that. Well surprise surprise, when my mom picked up the phone all she said was "are you turning my phone off" my mom said yes, N. said why, mom said because I'm not going to feed your addition anymore. N. accused my mom of trying to cut her out of her life. My mom, still calm, told her that N. knows how to get ahold of her, but she wasn't going to talk to her anymore, and to get a new phone. When N. said my mom's number wouldn't be on the phone, my mom said "well that would be you cutting me out of your life then wouldn't it?" which I thought was the perfect thing to say. So N. basically said "fine" and acted like that wasn't the way it always is, like my mom, after getting off the phone with both sisters (she called S. to ask why she told N. she was going to cut off her phone, and S. told her about the fight), said it is.

And truly that is the way it has always been with both sisters. My mom can't go over to their house with out calling first (they call it so they know she's coming, I call it making her ask permission), they hardly ever come to our place (which is where we all grew up, and I will say, S. is less bad about this and comes over more often), but that's not the way it's always been, no, it can't be...

And as usual, after talking about it for a while, I'm sure my mom tucked it inside her like everyone in the family always does, and truly when I went to the party so did I, and acted like nothing was wrong. I'm sure that my mom isn't sleeping a wink tonight, just like me, who only slept the four hours that I have so far because I ate way to much food at the poetry reading.

This shit has got to stop. My family and I have got to stop being sick, me and my dad have got to stop fighting all the time, and my sisters have got to stop screwing up. N. claims that she's always going to be a disappointment to my mom so why bother, but the truth is if she just tried to get help and stay away from these dumb ass (and that's putting it nicely) boy friends, and laid off the drugs and slowed down on the alcohol (I think she should stop all together, as it always gets her into trouble, and my juries still out on whether she's an alcoholic or not) she would no longer be a disappointment to my mom.

This shit has got to stop. My sisters, and really me to, have got to realize that these our our parents were hurting, the people who raise us and who love us unconditionally. I'm just glad I'm a Pagan, and believe in something higher then me and know that they will help me with this somehow, unlike the rest of my family who frankly have nothing to believe in as atheists whose hearts have been crushed so many times.

This shit has got to stop and I don't know how to stop it. I am trying not to fight so much with my dad, and really that's all I think I can do. If there is something else I can do then someone please tell me, I just need to know.

Because this shit has got to stop.