Yesterday I was extremely depressed. I mean, crying in the living room with absolutely no reason behind it depressed. Yes, social security turned me down AGAIN and that makes me very, very sad, but that wasn't it...at least it wasn't all of it. And yes, I had PMS yesterday, but that isn't it either. I'm just depressed. I don't know, and I hate that feeling, with a burning passion.
People need me. People actually need me to do things for them. Not to mention the fact that there are two people who can't wait to start the Fighting "4" Us meetings (that's the name of my non-profit, in case I never said so before). But for some reason I find myself hesitating. I find that I no longer can deal with the idea that my body is rejecting me. I want to over work my body, I want to get that job and when I can't work it any more say to everyone who said that I could do it:
THERE! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW???? I JUST SCREWED OVER MORE OF MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU SAID I COULD DO THIS
Wow. Now, typing that didn't make me feel any better, but I'm sure yelling it to someone, even if they were to just pretend to be the people that tell me I can do more then I know I can would be great. Instead I have to keep it inside, and not say it too loudly, but instead joke about it. And I'm sure most of the people who notice I don't use a car won't be mean about it if I tell them why, but the staring still bothers me. I get stared at for so many reasons, and I can't explain everything to every single one of them. Like the guy who stares at me when I walk out of a car with a handicap sticker. Or those same types of people who use it for their own benefit even though they don't have an illness. I want to scream:
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TAKING AWAY FROM ANOTHER HUMAN BEING???
But, I can't. Instead I'm stuck with a blog site and a list on 43 things. Not that anyone reads the "run a successful non-profit" goal because I'm the only one who wants it......God...How bad I want to explain all this to people...and how badly I don't at the same damn time.
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